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Young Writers Society


12+

Starlight: Chapter 3 (Part II)

by yizhongt


Paladin Koreiger and Zholl began calling out the names of the gathered initiates one by one. The initiates that had been called up made their way in an orderly fashion to one of the two Paladins. High Master Timms just observed and smiled at the initiates as they received their respective datapad. Kiaan was next to be called up. Not too long after that, Marthan and Shayla were called.

Marthan thanked Zholl as he took the datapad meant for him from the Zhoidil Paladin’s three fingered hand. Marthan began reading the datapad as soon as he got his hand on it. His eyes widened as he read the name of the master that was assigned to him. He could not believe what he had just read. At the corner of his eye he could see that Shayla was grinning from ear to ear. The young Paladin initiate immediately knew why his friend was grinning the way she was. He had to admit that he liked Shayla’s smile. There was something about her smile that was so calming.

“So, who did you guys get as your masters?” whispered Kiaan to the two as soon as they got back. Marthan was about to answer, but stopped from doing so when he heard Master Timms clearing his throat, meaning that the High Master was about to speak.

“Initiates, you have all received your assigned masters. The first step to you becoming a fully trained Paladin is now complete.” announced High Master Timms to the gathered crowd who listened intently. “Initiates, remember that what makes good Paladin is not how powerful or strong, or how knowledgeable he or she or it is, but on how willing he, she, or it is wiling to learn from others and be humble. Etch those words to your hearts, and you all will become great Paladins.” And with that, Timms dismissed the group of Paladins to seek out their masters that were waiting for them. Marthan took a moment to reflect and take in High Master Timm’s words of wisdom.

“So who did you guys get as your masters?” Kiaan asked again as he, Marthan and Shayla left the hall along with other initiates.

“I know that Shayla got the master she was hoping to get,” said Marthan with a knowing smile, answering for Shayla who was still grinning eagerly.

“Oh, and who might that be?” Kiaan asked curiously.

“Master Lianna Sunrunner,” answered Shayla this time. She was still smiling and was obviously giddy with excitement. She turned to face Marthan, “Who did you get as your master?”

“High Master Zhon-xing.”

“That name sounds familiar,” commented Kiaan as he stroked his chin with his webbed hands, trying to remember where he had heard that name from.

“Isn’t he the Paladin that single-handedly defeated the Blue Moon crime syndicate?” asked Shayla.

“The very same,” Marthan said. He was still in shock at who was assigned to be his master. He could not believe that he was the apprentice to such a renowned Paladin who also happened to be a permanent member of the Paladin High Council.

“So who did you get as your master?” asked Shayla to Kiaan.

“A Master Gatts Nemos,” answered Kiaan. “I’m not familiar with the name, do the both of you know?”

Both Marthan and Shayla shook their heads. “I’m sorry Kiaan, I’m not familiar with it,” Marthan said.

“Neither am I,” added Shayla.

“Well then I guess I’ll just have to meet him then,” said Kiaan with a smile plastered on his face.

“I think we should all be going to meet our masters. We shouldn’t keep them waiting,” Marthan opined to his two friends. Shayla and Kiaan nodded in agreement. The trio promised to meet each other after their meeting with their respective masters before heading off in different directions. 


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Sat May 21, 2016 11:32 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi yizhongt! Mage here to do the promised review! :D

Once again, I loved this chapter! I'm really excited to see what happens next, so I'll go review Chapter 3 Part I after this!

He had to admit that he liked Shayla’s smile. There was something about her smile that was so calming.


Hm...Something tells me Marthan likes someone! It could also be that Shayla just has a nice smile, but following the rules of fiction, it's probably my first guess. But who knows? Maybe I'll be surprised!

“Initiates, you have all received your assigned masters. The first step to you becoming a fully trained Paladin is now complete.” announced High Master Timms to the gathered crowd who listened intently.


There should be a comma after "complete". Also, I would suggest changing "announced High Master Timms to the gathered crowd who listened intently" to "announced High Master Timms to the gathered crowd, who were listening intently," to make it easier to read.

“Isn’t he the Paladin that single-handedly defeated the Blue Moon crime syndicate?” asked Shayla.


Great world building here!

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




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Sun May 15, 2016 3:30 pm
ChieTheWriter wrote a review...



Hiya there! First of all, Sci-Fi Stuff is awesome. Second, I'll get mean. (not really...mwahaha)

Not too many grammar errors that I could see. But there were a couple.

High Master Timms just observed and smiled at the initiates as they received their respective datapad.


Since each of the "initiates" had a datapad, there would be more than one making the word "datapad" at the end of the sentence "datapads

Marthan thanked Zholl as he took the datapad meant for him from the Zhoidil Paladin’s three fingered hand.


It's already obvious that "the datapad was meant for him" so you can cut that from the sentence to make it sound a little better. Example-

"Marthan thanked Zholl as he took his datapad Zhoidil Paladin’s three fingered hand."

“Oh, and who might that be?” Kiaan asked curiously.


I would put a comma after "curiously" just because "Kiaan asked curiously" is not a complete sentence and therefore doesn't need a period. It's not that big a deal (like you said in one of my reviews) but I don't know if it's correct grammar or not. I'll Google it.

I like the way you present all the characters even though I haven't the faintest idea what a "Paladin" is. I DO however understand the Master-Apprentice thing because I'm a die-hard Star Wars freak. Keep writing.




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the review @AnnGrace. Do let me know when the next chapters of A New Ally or A Lost Hope comes out.





Those both are a working progress. A Lost Hope is mainly the one I'm working on now. Almost done with chapter 2.



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Sat May 14, 2016 5:23 am
MicrohieraxFT wrote a review...



Part 2? I guess I can still catch up. :D While not being a big fan of science fiction, I enjoyed reading this and hoped to keep up. Whatever ever kind of thing goes on here, I'd like to see them unfold. It's interesting enough to keep my attention (I get bored easily, tbh). There is this one little thing though. I'm no expert, so don't expect anything big.

Marthan thanked Zholl as he took the datapad meant for him from the Zhoidil Paladin’s three fingered hand. Marthan began reading the datapad as soon as he got his hand on it.  


The word datapad seems redundant. I'm not too sure how to rewrite it though.





I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)