Chapter 6
Marthan, Shayla, Kiaan, and Jinn woke up at first light to have breakfast in one of the Bastion’s dining halls. Throughout breakfast, the four of them were talking about their favoured melee combat form and about the upcoming martial arts portion of the tournament. Marthan, like the rest of his friends, was nervous about the upcoming tournament. Their nervousness was compounded by the fact that this would be their first time using a chiblade and not an ordinary training blade. After breakfast, the group immediately made their way to the main training hall.
When the group reached the training hall, some of their fellow initiates were already present. Some of them were sparring with one another using their chiblades, while others were sparring with each other in hand to hand combat. Marthan had entertained the thought of training in the use his chiblade with one of the Bastion’s many combat robots after they were dismissed yesterday, but thought against it as he didn’t want to exhaust himself for today’s tournament.
“Those two are good,” commented Shayla in admiration as she pointed towards two fellow initiates who were sparring with their chiblades. He understood why Shayla thought they were good. Their bladework was fluid and they did not waste any of their chances to attack or counter-attack. Marthan noticed that one of them was the same person who was paired up against Shayla during the first half of the tournament. She wielded a red weapon hilt while her opponent wielded a magenta coloured one.
“I guess what your opponent didn’t have in mastery of her chi, she makes up for it in her proficiency for combat,” remarked Marthan as he continued to follow their every move.
“If everyone can fight as good as those two can, we’re not going to stand a chance,” said
Shayla as she continued to watch the sparring match.
“You can say that again,” agreed Kiaan who was also observing the sparring match.
“I wouldn’t worry too much about other initiates being as good as them,” said Jinn.
“Why do you say that?” Marthan asked as to why his friend would say something like that.
“Because not everyone is a Jaylrian like those two are.” answered Jinn.
“Care to elaborate on that a bit Jinn?” asked Shayla.
“Jaylrians are trained to fight the moment they can walk. So those two being able to fight like the way they are now is not due to any basic Paladin training, but rigorous training they received from their own community. Of course I’m assuming that they did not enter the Corps as infants.”
As more initiates entered the training hall, the number of people watching the sparring match that was taking place increased. The sparring match between the two had intensified, with both opponents moving faster, raining more blows onto one another, trying to break the other’s defence.
“Alright that’s enough!” barked a familiar voice that came from the training hall’s entrance. It was quartermaster K’Vorg, and with him were all the initiates’ respective masters. The two initiates who were sparing stopped and deactivated their respective weapon hilts. “Looks like some of you are all ready. Very good! But you two could have gotten yourself killed by not using an inhibited weapon hilt!” K’Vorg lifted his giant three fingered arms and pulled the weapon hilts of the two Jaylrians that were sparring only moments earlier. A look of utter surprise was carved on their faces as they felt their weapon hilts being pulled out from their hands. He levitated the hilts in front of him, a green chi surrounded the two. K’Vorg with his free hand reached into one the pouches that were on his belt. He pulled out two small circular like devices, and proceeded to place it on the weapon hilts that were levitating in front of him.
Marthan was curious as to what was the nature of the device that K’Vorg had placed on the two Jaylrian’s weapon hilt. He had never seen something like that before.
“Those two devices which I just placed on the two weapon hilts in front of me are chi inhibitors! They will inhibit the flow of energy released by your chi crystal, blunting it. So that you won’t kill each other!” K’Vorg then motioned his arm forward, sending the two weapon hilts back to their respective owners.
After installing chi inhibitors on all of the participant’s weapon hilts, K’Vorg wasted no time in calling up the first pair of initiates. After calling out the first two initiates, K’Vorg laid down the ground rules for the friendly match. Firstly, initiates were not allowed to harness their their chi to aid them in their fight. Secondly, the match will end when one opponent disarms the other, or when one opponent manages to touch the other with their spiritblade. K’Vorg made sure the all the initiates understood the ground rules, and that the chi inhibitor was properly installed before they began.
The first match of the day ended rather quickly. Very few blows were exchanged between the two opponents. It ended when one of the initiates had managed to find an opening and kick out his opponent’s weapon hilt from his hand. Marthan made note that the match barely lasted a minute. The second match unlike the first, lasted a bit longer than the first.
Alright, time for the next match-up!” announced K’Vorg to the initiates who had yet to be called up. Marthan wondered whether he or any of his friends would be next. Excluding himself, Shayla, Kiaan, and Jinn, there were twelve others that K’Vorg could call up for the third match. Marthan tweedled his thumbs rhythmically as he waited to hear who K’Vorg will call up.
“Jinn Ken-Wan! Step forward!” barked K’Vorg. The group wished Jinn all the best in his match. Marthan was interested to see the extent of Jinn’s martial abilities. Jinn stepped forward with his weapon hilt in his hand. “Liaryn Bree! Step forward!” A lithe human female with curly shoulder length red hair stepped forward. She also had her weapon hilt in her hand like Jinn did. K’Vorg inspected their weapon hilts and was satisfied that the inhibitors were properly installed. “You may begin when ready.” Jinn and Liaryn bowed to each other in respect before they ignited their respective weapon hilt.
Interesting, her chiblade appears to be shorter than the average blade,” mused Marthan as he saw Liaryn’s purple blade. For a brief moment, neither Jinn nor his opponent made their move. They just circled one another, the other waiting for the other to act. The stand still was broken when Jinn lunged forward towards Liaryn with his blue bladed spiritblade. Liaryn managed to block Jinn’s blade with her own, if only barely. Jinn proceeded to unleash a flurry of strikes against his opponent in light of the failure of his initial attack. Despite the aggressiveness and speed of Jinn’s attacks, Liaryn managed to evade and even block most of them.
Marthan was impressed by Jinn’s performance. His bladework was precise and quick, though not as amazing as the two Jaylrians who were sparring earlier on. Marthan conceded that his friend’s skill was superior to that of his own. However, he did notice that Jinn was leaving himself open to a potential counter-attack.
Jinn leaped into the air and somersaulted, hoping to catch Liaryn off-guard with a jumping slash. She however, was not caught off-guard as Jinn had hoped for and she managed to successfully block his attack, much to his chagrin. Jinn’s acrobatic move had left him open to a counter-attack, and Liaryn made full use of the opening. She delivered a low sweeping kick to Jinn which caused him to fall down. She then went it for the decisive blow to end the match, but Jinn recovered fast enough to block the blow.
Jinn leaped back on to his feet and engaged Liaryn, unleashing another flurry of attacks. This time however, it was not as quick as the last. He was now more cautious, not wanting to give her an opening which she could exploit again. Jinn and Liaryn traded blow for blow, neither giving the other the advantage. The match came to an unexpected conclusion however, when both Jinn and Liaryn grazed each other with their respective spiritblade, eliminating them both. Marthan did not expect such an unexpected end, but thought it was the best as it was hard to determine who was better between the two. He noticed that two healers ushered both Jinn and Liaryn aside to treat the wound that they had received
Kiaan was the next member of the group to be called up. Marthan and Shayla wished the Kift Paladin initiate good luck before he stepped forward. Kiaan thanked both Marthan and Shayla with his trademark smile. His opponent was from a species that Marthan has not seen before. Kiaan’s opponent had an elongated cone-like head, two large and ( is his opponent a squid) prominent eyes at the side of its head, and below those prominent eyes was what Marthan could only describe as eye bags. Kiaan bowed to his opponent before activating his weapon hilt which he held in his webbed hand. The hilt produced a shimmering emerald blade. Kiaan’s opponent had also ignited his spiritblade, which was orange in colour.
Kiaan’s opponent did not waste any time and charged at the Kift. Kiaan’s opponent attacked him with an over head slash, which Kiaan managed defend himself against with his spiritblade. Marthan noticed that Kiaan’s opponent’s attacks were slow, and that Kiaan was dodging and sidestepping most of them. Occasionally he had to block his opponent’s attack, but it was rare. Marthan could see that Kiaan’s opponent was getting frustrated. He began to attack Kiaan with more fervour, but because his attacks were rather slow, Kiaan managed to easily dodge them. Taking advantage of his opponent’s lack of speed, Kiaan dashed forward and pass his opponent. He delivered a low slash aimed at his opponents lower leg. His opponent failed to block his attack and he fell to his knee. K’Vorg declared Kiaan the winner of the match as a pair of healer ushered his opponent to the sidelines to be treated for his recently sustained injury.
“You were good out there Kiaan,” congratulated Marthan to the Kift who had returned.
“He was more than good, he was excellent! Didn’t you see how easily he dodged his opponent’s attacks?” Shayla gushed excitedly.
Kiann smiled. “Thanks guys. Ah! Jinn, welcome back. How’s the injury?”
“Its nothing, just a minor flesh wound.” replied Jinn as he pointed to his upper hand that was bandaged. “I saw your match Kiaan, you were impressive.” Kiaan thanked his friend for the compliment with another one of his signature smiles.
“Marthan T’an! Step forward!” called out K’Vorg, his voice echoing throughout the training hall. As soon as Marthan heard his name being called out, he wondered who he will be paired up against for the friendly duel. “Justorr Voldrago! Step forward!” Marthan arched his eyebrow upon hearing the name of the person who had scoffed him and defeated Jinn the day before. Marthan could not believe the coincidence. Out of all the other initiates that could have been called forth, it was him.Perhaps its just the universe playing a really bad joke on me, thought Marthan to himself. Marthan shook his head. No, I don’t think the universe has such a sense of humour.
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Hi, yizhongt! Mage here to review this chapter! So let's get to it, shall we?
I will never cease to be amazed by your world building skills. I loved the concepts you introduced this chapter, along with the battles you described.
I've never heard anyone use the word "compounded" before. Nice use of vocabulary there!
This is repetitive. I would suggest changing the first "some of their fellow initiates" to "several of their fellow initiates" to make it flow better.
I just wanted to alert you to the weird formatting at this part.
There should be a comma after "are".
There should be a comma after "course". Also, amazing world building here!
Once again, I love the world building you have. Chi inhibitors are a really cool concept. One last comment on this part: the last period isn't needed. You can change it to a comma so the next sentence isn't a sentence fragment.
This is repetitive. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of: "The second match, unlike the first, was long."
There should be a quotation mark before "Interesting".
There should be an apostrophe in between "it" and "s" in "its", and there should be a period after "wound".
Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Salutations!
I think I've reviewed one of your previous chapter parts, but even if I have, I can't remember what this story is about. As that is the case, I'm afraid I can't review this based off of plot.
From one paragraph to another, the flow is quite smooth. From sentence to sentence, however, there are places where it's less smooth and more articulated. At paragraph five, where Shayla is speaking, there is an accidental line break, but I only saw something like that once. What I mean is how your dialogue tags are sometimes longer than necessary, such as when Marthan asks Jinn why he says none of the other initiates will be like the two who were sparring - you say "Marthan asked as to why his friend would say something like that". The entire part after "Marthan asked" can be cut away, seeing as how it doesn't contribute anything.
As for content, I enjoyed how you described the battles. The rules by which the initiates had to engage each other were also clearly explained and therefore easy to understand. Just remember to check for missing punctuation marks, since I had to stop and consider what I was reading at several times because inverted commas or regular commas were missing. And also look at word pairs, like "each ... the other", and not "the other ... the other".
Finally, you repeat certain words or phrases unnecessarily. One such example is when Kiaan and his cephalopod-like opponent engage each other. You continuously refer to the squid as "Kiaan's opponent", but would it not be easier to call him what Marthan would call him, such as squid-man? It may not be politically correct in-universe, but it's Marthan's thoughts, so whatever works for him, right?
I enjoyed this part. The combat was interesting, the links between the different sections were adequate, and I got an overall sense of who the characters were and what made them unique, which isn't always easy to do in such a small space of time. Well done, and good luck!
Hello, Desdemona here to drop a review.

While you have an extra solid plot, I have a few bones to pick with this. Sorry about that, it's just how I work.
There are several different forms of the past tense one can use. Once you start using one, it is highly suggested that you do not switch to another one. In this case, you started with "had" and continues with "were talking". While this isn't exactly grammatically incorrect, it is still a dangerous tool to use because it reads really badly and looks unprofessional.
You do not have to keep referring to them as "the group" It is repetitive after the first sentence of mentioning. Just use they. It is more professional and concise.
You did not need to seperate those though I'm sure it was an accident :p
Redundant once more. You literally said the same thing twice. You could have used something like "... wondering why he would think like that" or something instead of useing very similar wording.
Well, other than that, you have a very interesting plot. Though I have to say that you need to work harder on describing things rather than having someone narrate the things that need to be said. You need to do this by carefully planning events rather than just writing whatever you think of. You could also expand your vocabulary a little.
Anyways, good job and keep writing!
~Mona
Good evening, Yizhongt. AnarchyWolf here to review this first part of the sixth chapter.
First of all, just like last chapter, this has a very strong and clear structure. It's paced well, and it keeps the reader from getting bored.
Now, a few of the minor nitpicks I had:
Spoiler
"Care to elaborate on that a bit, Jinn?"
The stand was broken still
In the really big paragraph halfway through, the one beginning with “Alright that’s enough!”, you need to have a new paragraph when you write a look of utter surprise to break up the paragraph and make it read easier.
The beginning of this was quite weak. While it's quite a way into the story, it's still important to have a hook to make the readers think it's worth reading - which it definitely is, but the readers need to know that. The first paragraph can be compacted a lot to make it easier to read and comprehend. I'd also suggest exchanging the first paragraph for a stronger hook.
You use indirect dialogue a lot in this chapter. Although this isn't grammatically incorrect, it is a little irritating to read, and we can get a lot more information from hearing the dialogue of the characters. You go and list the rules of the tournament, but you do it through indirect dialogue. It'd be a lot easier to list them with normal dialogue, both for you and the reader. And in the beginning paragraph, it'd also be good if you could give examples of the dialogue there.
You also need to add a little more detail, and show instead of tell. Even a little bit more description to phrases like the same person that had paired up with Shayla would add so much to the story and give us a lot more information about the characters and the initiates. More detail on the setting wouldn't go amiss, either.
Aside from these few issues, this is as strong a chapter as the last one I reviewed, and it does move the plot along nicely.
-AnarchyWolf