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Young Writers Society


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Starlight: Chapter 4 (Part II)

by yizhongt


“As you are now an initiate of the Corps, you can now craft your own weapon hilt,” announced Master Zhong-xin as he floated over the colourless crystal to Marthan with the use of his chi. The crystal landed gently in front of Marthan.

“What am I to do, master?” queried Marthan as he picked up the crystal to inspect it.

“Meditate, gather your chi. And when it is time, fuse your chi with the crystal. The crystal with your fused chi, will be the power source of your sabre.”

“When will I know when it is time to fuse my chi with the crystal?” asked Marthan as he continued to inspect the flawless crystal.

“You will know when the time comes my young apprentice.”

Marthan placed the crystal back on the ground gently. He closed his eyes and began to centre himself. He could feel his chi slowly gather around him, but he felt that it was not enough. He continued gathering more. Marthan could sense that Master Zhong-xin had joined him in his meditation. After a few hours of deep meditation, Marthan had gathered enough of his chi that a green aura started to form around his body. He lifted his arms and instinctively hovered his right hand over his left. He gently pushed his hand forward, and a stream of energy flowed from the space between his hands. The green stream of energy fused together with the colourless crystal. After some time, the crystal turned green, the colour of Marthan’s chi. He opened his eyes slowly and was amazed by what he saw.

“Excellent, you have completed the first step in the creation of your weapon hilt,” commented Master Zhong-xin.

“What do I have to do next?” asked Marthan eagerly.

Master Zhong-xin placed a weapon hilt that was silver in colour in front of Marthan. The hilt had intricately carved patterns that went around it. “Meditate again, and install the crystal into the hilt. The crystal will serve as your weapon hilt’s source of energy.”

“Understood, master,” said Marthan as he closed his eyes and began to meditate yet again. Marthan levitated both the crystal and the weapon hilt in front of him. The weapon hilt was slowly disassembled by Marthan who used his chi to do so. As soon as it was disassembled, Marthan placed the pulsating green crystal at the centre of it. He then carefully reassembled it. After a few moments Marthan had successfully reassembled the weapon hilt. He levitated the weapon hilt towards him, and reached out to it with his right arm. The hilt felt solid, but not heavy as Marthan expected it to be. He studied the intricate carvings on it carefully before pressing the button which activated it. The hilt produced an emerald blade made out of pure chi energy.

“Excellent work, my young apprentice,” congratulated Master Zhong-xing upon seeing Marthan successfully igniting his spiritblade. “Now Marthan, that weapon hilt you now hold in your possession can do much more than produce a blade made out of your chi.”

Marthan was intrigued by what his master was telling him and was curious to know more. “Could you elaborate master?”

“Observe,” stated Zhong-xin as he drew his own weapon hilt. Master Zhong-xin’s weapon hilt was simple, yet elegant. It was coloured black and gold, the colours of a fully trained Paladin. Master Zhong-xin activated his spiritblade, which produced a dark blue coloured blade, but soon the straight blade morphed to became the blade of sickle sword.

“How did you do that master?” Marthan asked, curious, and at the same time amazed upon seeing his master’s demonstration.

“Your spiritblade is an extension of your chi and your willpower. Therefore it is possible to change the form and shape of your weapon, but you must first have the willpower and mastery of your chi to change it,” explained Master Zhong-xin before changing the sickle sword into a mace.

Marthan looked at his emerald blade and tried change the shape of it to that of a sickle sword like how his master had just demonstrated, but nothing happened. Perhaps I don’t have the willpower or the mastery needed, Marthan thought dejectedly to himself upon failing.

“Do not worry Marthan, in time you will learn,” said Master Zhong-xin, offering words of encouragement to his young apprentice before deactivating his spiritblade. Marthan followed his master’s lead and deactivated his spiritblade.

“What do we do next master?”

“That’s all for today,” replied Zhong-xin, “we shall continue your training tomorrow. Meet me at the main training hall at 1030 hours. For now, go back to your quarters and get some rest.”

“Yes master, and thank you.” With that, Marthan made his way to the exit of the meditation chamber.

“By the way, you did excellent work today,” praised Zhong-xin to Marthan just before the young apprentice exited the room. He smiled to himself as he left the chamber. He wondered whether Shayla and Kiaan had the same wonderful experience he did.

Marthan met with Shayla and Kiaan in the common room of their dormitory for tea. The skyline of Corethdel against the setting sun could be seen from the large window of the common room. Light from the setting sun crept into the room, turning the room orange.The room had the same polished marble that was used for the rest of the Bastion. A sofa set that initiates could sit on, as well as beautiful potted plants were to be found in the room. The room also had a drink refectory where initiates could get a drinks from.

Like Marthan, both Shayla and Kiaan had acquired their respective weapon hilts which hanged on their belts. Marthan took a moment to savour the sweet aroma his tea gave out before taking a sip of it. “So how was it meeting your masters?” asked Marthan as he placed his cup of tea on the table in front of him.

“It was great!” exclaimed Shayla with a huge grin on her face. “She was everything I hoped she would be. I can’t wait for my next training session with her.”

Marthan smiled as he heard Shayla express her joy.

“How was your meeting with your master, Kiaan?” queried Marthan as he picked up his cup of tea to take another sip.

“It was good. My master and I share one thing in common,” answered Kiaan before taking a sip out of his cup of tea.

“What do you share in common?” asked Shayla curiously.

“We’re both amphibious,” Kiaan replied, grinning.

“So how was Master Zhong-xin?” asked Shayla before taking sip out of her cup of tea.

“It was less intimidating then I thought it would be. In fact, Master Zhong-xin was very encouraging.”

“That’s good to hear,” remarked Shayla. “So I guess today was a good day for us then. Wouldn’t you two agree?”

Both Marthan and Kiaan nodded in agreement with Shayla’s statement.

“So, when are you two going to begin training?” Kiaan asked to the group.

“I have to meet Master Zhong-xin at the main training hall at 1030 hours,”answered Marthan.

“That’s strange, I have to meet Master Sunrunner at the main training hall at that time as well,” said Shayla with the look of bewilderment on her face.

“You know what’s even stranger? I have to meet my master at the same place and time as well,” added Kiaan.

This is strange. Why do we all have to gather at the main training hall at the same exact time? thought Marthan to himself.

“Do you think our masters have something planned for us?” asked Shayla as she ran her hand through her hair.

“Perhaps,” remarked Kiaan as he stroked his chin with his webbed hands. “Marthan, do you have any thoughts on this?”

“I think it would be pointless to speculate anything since we don’t have any more information to go on but the mere coincidence ,” replied Marthan. Shayla and Kiaan nodded in agreement with his statement.


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1085 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:06 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this lovely review day. I apologize for not having read previous parts. Let's get to it!

In general, something I noticed that you might want to watch is your grammar, specifically your comma usage. You tend to either not use commas where they should be, or use commas where they don't belong. If you aren't quite sure of the rules regarding commas, there are plenty of articles on the Internet that can explain it to you, including some in the Knowledge Base right here on YWS!

The crystal with your fused chi, will be the power source of your sabre.”

Don't need the comma there.

You will know when the time comes my young apprentice.

You need a comma between "comes" and "my."

I'm not going to point out the rest of them - you can find them for yourself with a close proofread.

I thought Marthan's dialogue in general was a bit overly stiff and formal, to the point where it tended to just read kind of weirdly. Maybe that's something you were intending for his character, but I think it would be better if you tried to make his dialogue sound more natural. Right now, even the parts where he's wondering why they all have to gather in the hall just feel quite stiff and emotionless. (Also, for character thoughts, you generally want to put them in italics to distinguish them from the narration.)

I really liked all the training stuff, and the information about the chi swords and the powers they have. I also like that it ties into a spiritual sort of thing. It all seems very interesting, and you actually explain it really well and clearly, which is hard to do.

I'm afraid I don't have much else to say! Aside from the dialogue, it was all very solid, if a bit short, and I'm interested to know more. Good luck with this, and keep writing!




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Wed Jun 01, 2016 6:18 am
ChieTheWriter says...



I need to know more about this. is this fanfic, or no?

I mean... a blade of pure energy ignited by their power? Master and apprentice... I love this kind of thing.




yizhongt says...


It's not a fan fiction, but I drew inspiration from sources lkme Star Wars, the green lantern corps%uFF0C mass effect and Harry Potter.





That is so cool....



yizhongt says...


Hey, just letting you know that I've uploaded Chapter 5 (part I). Feel free to check it out and leave a comment if you have the time.



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Sun May 29, 2016 10:20 am
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi yizhongt! Mage here to finally do the promised review! :D

Like usual, I love the world building. And Master Zhong-xin seems like a pretty nice guy. I can't wait to read the next chapter and find out what their masters have planned for them.

Let's dive straight into the grammatical stuff, shall we?

“As you are now an initiate of the Corps, you can now craft your own weapon hilt,”


At the moment, this sentence is repetitive. If you take out one of the "nows" it will be a lot better.

The crystal with your fused chi, will be the power source of your sabre.”


There should be a comma before "with".

He could feel his chi slowly gather around him, but he felt that it was not enough.


"That" isn't needed in this sentence.

The weapon hilt was slowly disassembled by Marthan who used his chi to do so.


This is a run-on sentence. Since we already know Marthan is using his chi, you don't need any of the words after his name.

Marthan was intrigued by what his master was telling him and was curious to know more.


This is a repetitive sentence. I would suggest to get rid of everything after "him".

Perhaps I don’t have the willpower or the mastery needed, Marthan thought dejectedly to himself upon failing.


There's two problems with this. The first is when a character thinks, it's best to put their thoughts in italics or in quotation marks. There are certain genres, such as noir, and flashfics where that isn't necessary, but it helps readers a lot. The second problem is when a character thinks, you don't need to put "to himself" afterwards. You do this at other times as well. We all know he's thinking to himself. If he had a split personality or something along those lines, the "to himself" bit works.

“Do not worry Marthan, in time you will learn,”


The comma after "Marthan" should be a period.

“So how was it meeting your masters?”


There should be a comma after "so".

One last piece of advice: Try to vary your sentences. Try to make some long, and some short. You tend to lean to the first option, so try throwing in shorter sentences.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the review! Much appreciated. Will be updating the story soon.



yizhongt says...


Hey, I just updated the story with Chapter 5 (Part I). Would be really nice if you could give it a review and find all my errors. Thanks in advance!



Mageheart says...


I'm busy for the next two weeks, but I'll try to review as soon as possible! :D



yizhongt says...


Don't worry about it. Take your time.




It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain