“Come back here! Don’t try to run Marthan T’an!” shouted an angry voice.
Marthan ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran through one of Aldrila’s many beautiful and pristine parks in the hopes of evading his pursuers. He turned back to see that they were closing in on him, fast. Like him, they were human. Its no good, they’re going to catch up to me. Fighting off his pursuers wasn’t an option as well as they were much larger in size compared to him. Much larger.
The lead pursuer leaped towards Marthan and tackled him down to the ground. “Got you, you snitch!” He signalled the two other pursuers to hold down Marthan’s arms so he could not defend himself. He punched Marthan in the face. “That’s for turning me in to the school’s disciplinary board for cheating!” He punched Marthan again. Harder, this time. “That’s for getting me expelled!” Marthan’s lip was already bleeding due to the two punches he took.
“I had to turn you in, Tyrral. It was the right thing to do,” Marthan said as he writhed in pain. “There is no honour in cheating.”
“You dare insult my honour?” Tyrral said before punching Marthan again. The two other pursuers, Tyrral’s friends, just stood there and laughed. Tyrral prepared to hit Marthan again, but he stopped when a faint emerald aura began to envelop Marthan’s body.
“T-T-Tyrral, what’s happening to him?” said one of Tyrral’s friends..
“I-I-I think it’s something bad,” his other friend whispered.
“Silence! The both of you,” barked Tyrral. He got ready to hit Marthan again, but before he could lay a finger on Marthan, he and his accomplices was thrown back a few metres by a burst of emerald energy.
Tyrall and his two accomplices staggered to their feet. Neither of them knew what had happened. Standing in front of them was Marthan who had managed to get back on his feet. He was different. The faint emerald aura that surrounded him was no longer faint. It was bright, immensely bright. His eyes had an emerald glow. His injuries were also healing.
“I’m getting out of here!” screamed one of Tyrral’s accomplices before bolting off.
“T-Tyrral, we have to go,” said the other accomplice that remained, fear was present in his voice.
Tyrral stared at Marthan, making eye contact with the young man’s glowing emerald eyes. Tyrral swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat before running away. He clenched his fist tightly to try and stop it from trembling.
“T-Tyrral, let’s just go!” shrieked his remaining accomplice. Taking his friend’s advice, for the first time, Tyrral, ran. His accomplice followed suit.
Marthan was now alone. Free from danger. He touched his lip and found that the swelling was receding, and that the bleeding had stopped. He examined the rest of his body and found it to be surrounded by a pulsating emerald aura. “I didn’t think it’ll happen this soon,” muttered Marthan to himself.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello there, I know I am not so active but I will try to help you with this part at least. I will check it part by part to not miss a thing and give my first real reaction to it. Thank you for offering me to do the job.
So, I don't know a thing about the story in general so yet but I understand here that we are talking about a male running from an unknown group of people who try to catch him for some kind of a reason. I think that there is a lot of repeatment going on here and there because you have one male and you use the pronoun 'he' too many times to describe him. We are not talking about the 'show not tell' story but it could be insteresting to talk about him by using things that describe the character in some kind of a way. That is all I could say about this paragraph.
This is a parts from the paragraph from above that I took because it needs editing there.
In the first one, you need to remove the word 'the'.
In the second, you need to change ome thing also.
( Its ➡ It's)
Also, I want to talk about the second sentence. You used the word 'me'. In this work you are all in third prespective, and this sentence is in first. This just doesn't match. You may make it as a thought and it will work out fine.
leaped ➡ leapt
Tyrall ➡ Tyrral
The first sentence is formed wrong.
Tyrral, taking his friends'/friend's advice for the first time, ran.
I don't think you need the comma there because it is used when the narrator is going to talk again, this is not happening here.
I can say I am quite interested in this but who knows. There is some mystery that is my cup of tea. I hope I am able to check more of this sooner or later if oyu still wish me to do that. Have a good day from me.
I made an account just to comment lol. Just want to say you have a nice plot going on despite some grammar errors that some guys below have highlighted. I don't think I have anything more to add lol, nice reviews from them. Looking forward for mooooarrrr!
Hiya! Desdemona here to drop a review
What an interesting chapter! Foreign names, extra terrestrial places... Combined with your skills, this work is promising and has potential!
All we need to do is clear up a little grammar and itty bitty mistakes.
"Marthan ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran through one of Aldrila’s many beautiful and pristine parks in the hopes of evading his pursuers."
See this sentence. It could easily be joined together with a comma, which would help you avoid the repetition of the pronoun "he" in your prose. This occurs in several more paragraphs with the pronoun "he" and several other names through your story. You must take care not to repeat these errors, and join sentences where you can. The sentence above, for example would become;
"Marthan ran through one of Aldrila's many beautiful and pristine parks as fast as his legs could carry him, in hopes of evading his pursuers" (not in THE hopes of)
Anyways, moving on.
"....Its no good, they’re going to catch up to me"
I also noticed a thought in your prose. If there are thoughts, they should be written differently, perhaps in italic. This prevents readers from being confused. I say you should make it a habit to use text formatting in your work. Italic for thoughts, bold for emphasis and so on. Makes the reading smoother and makes understanding much easier for your readers.
Moving on.
The past tense of "leap" is "leapt" not "leaped". You should pay attention to that.
When there is direct speech, aka speech mark talks, in your prose, you should pay attention to placing it separately, on it's own line apart from the rest of the paragraph. It makes the reading much. much easier. While you did that for some parts of this prose, you didn't do it for all, which has indeed lowered the quality of your work.
'“T-Tyrral, let’s just go!” shrieked his remaining accomplice. Taking his friend’s advice, for the first time, Tyrral, ran. His accomplice followed suit.'
The second sentence is grammatically incorrect, try writing it as such;
Tyrral, taking his friends (not friend's. Friend's means friend is. It is the same with its and it's) advice for the first time, ran.
See, there are waaaay less commas and the reading isn't as awkward as it was.
In any case, the length of your work was superb; not too long, not too short. You revealed just enough to pique my interest and you can certainly bet that I'll keep coming (and reviewing) your works over the summer. You have a solid plot, judging from your prologue. I only hope time doesn't prove me wrong.
So good job, and keep writing! I'll be back pretty soon
Love,
Des,
Hello! Im Mari, and I will make a review on the plot and dialog of this polog ^^ (since I'm bad at grammar myself)
The prolog till now sound very interesting, yet for some reason this reminds me a lot of Steven universe, but that's just because there is glowing and emerald xD I'm so sorry ^^
But let's put that aside.
Yet I love it so far, the dialog is natural, thier actions and reactions are actually natural (like thank God they actually behave like normal people!)
And that's by itself is a great achievement
Also I love the ending were their abuse trigger his magical powers, I'm a huge fan of magical powers
And that it heals too is a common yet fitting idea.
Great work in the prolog my dear
Keep writing and good luck!
-Mari
Also you might want to add some appearance description for the main character next time
I'll leave a review. This is rather short, but I feel it works this way. Your writing is very strong. Your dialogue conveys a good sense of the personality, and the story is interesting. I like how the three don't run away when they see the light, like most people would. Finally, after Tyrall is healed from it, they run away. The story leaves a sense of intrigue as to what this magical power that belongs to Marthan is.
Just some minor nitpicks and grammar stuff:
“T-Tyrral, we have to go,” said the other accomplice that remained, fear was present in his voice.
It should be, 'fear present in his voice.' Also, I think just showing him stuttering is good enough to show that. Sometimes, it's better to just let the dialogue itself convey the emotions. Maybe have him stuttering even more. The readers will understand what he is feeling, so you don't have to tell them.
'Fighting off his pursuers wasn’t an option as well as they were much larger in size compared to him. Much larger.'
Once again, this is just the show and tell thing. Instead of telling us they were much larger in size, say their shadows loomed over him, or they towered over him. Or, maybe, he has to look up really high to see their angry faces. Show that he's scared of their size in this too, instead of just saying they were larger.
Of course, other than these two instances of places where you could show instead of telling(of course, you can keep these, the story is very well written. Some writers say it's better to tell than show, (these are just two of my own personal nitpicks), but the story is good either way. I especially like the dialogue and the descriptions of their actions, like, 'He clenched his fist tightly to try and stop it from trembling'. It conveys emotions. I noticed that you only just made this prologue, but some more of the story is already around, so I think I might review it too.
I hope I was helpful! This is only my second review, so I'm still new to this.