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Chalice of Life: Chapter 6

by yizhongt


The Enchanted Forest was found east of Cambroxzen. It was large, beautiful and motherly; home to countless magical creatures, from fairies, to majestic unicorns and playful wisps. The land itself was a reserve. A sort of heaven to mystical plants and bugs - those, mainly harvested and used by final years and the school's potion masters. The forest was a breathtaking view of giant trees. trees said to be as old as Cambroxzen itself.

Sherlock took a deep breath of the forest air. "You smell that?" he smiled.

"Yup!" Shauna exclaimed. "Fresh!" she said, taking in lungfuls of the crisp air, and beaming with delight.

"You can’t get air this clean and fresh anywhere else," Sherlock continued.

"I know. That's why it's called the enchanted forest," Shauna whispered wide eyed, slipping him an obvious stare.

The two took a moment to enjoy the relaxing atmosphere before continuing on their journey. As they advanced into the forest, they passed a small colony of fairies. Their home was an ancient towering oak tree. A number of them shied away, startled by the unexpected company. Others, high up a mighty bough simply waved at the duo as they passed. In the distance, a lone majestic unicorn wandered. It was fair, hair, linen, white as snow.Shauna smiled at the remarkable creature. But the rustling made by them, sent the creature's ear pricking. It galloped away, at the sight of them.

"Just look at that. Beautiful!" Shauna breathed as she pointed to the unicorn that was galloping away. "You know," she cried, switching into her lecturing tone without noticing. "Unicorns are pretty shy creatures, they usually move in herds.Sherlock nodded, agreeing with her."I'm just wondering why that one was alone", she said, concerned. "It's very unusual," 

"Indeed it is," replied Sherlock, agreeing with Shauna as he stroked his chin slowly."Come on, we better get a move on." Shauna stared at the area in which the unicorn galloped away to, hoping to catch a glimpse of it before moving off, but alas, it was no where to be found. 

They had been discussing what they saw when a number of wisps joined them, floating about them playfully, as if they were dancing. They were amusing, and since they didn't pose trouble, Sherlock didn't mind. They continued, slowly increasing pace until something brought their hurried legs to a startling halt.Halfway through the forest, Sherlock and Shauna bumped into an unexpected group. Students.

There were five students standing in front of them, three boys and two girls. Like Sherlock and Shauna, they were also surprised to see the duo standing in front of them. By their looks, Sherlock deduced that they were probably either in their second year or third year.

“What are you kids doing here?” asked Sherlock to the group of young students. No one answered him. The look of guilt was etched on three of the five student’s faces.

“You know you all are not supposed to be here unattended, right?” added Shauna as she folded her hands.

Finally one of the girls decided to speak up. She had dark brown hair that was tied into two short pigtail which hung by the side of her head. “We were following up on a story lead that our friend Andrew was following,” said the girl to Sherlock as she pointed to a boy with round framed glasses, her hazel eyes reflected guilt. Sherlock who was trying to remember the names of kids standing before him finally remembered their names. The girl who had just answered his question was named Allana who was a member of house Owllaria.

Sherlock raised his eyebrow. “What sort of story?” he asked curiously as he tapped his finger on his chin.

There was a brief silence before the boy with the round framed glasses answered. “I have a source living in the forest who told me that they saw mysterious figures loitering around the forest during the night.” Andrew was a reporter for Cambroxzen’s student paper, the Cambroxzen Times, and although young, he was good at it. One of the most well-known stories he had written was an expose on an assignment cheating ring that was going on in the Academy.

“Based on Andrew’s source, we decided to check out to see whether it was true,” added a boy whose brown eyes reflected adventure. Sherlock recognised the boy. His name was Melville, and if memory served him right, he used to fall asleep in his class and was a bit of a trouble maker.

“Who is your source, Andrew?” asked Shauna to the Owllarian boy, wanting to know more.

“I’m sorry Miss Li, but you know as a reporter I cannot reveal his or her sources to anyone,” replied Andrew flatly, adjusting his glasses. Andrew was young, but he definitely knew the ethics involved in journalism, and it seriously impressed Sherlock.

“Well can you at least tell us how these ‘figures’ look like?” asked Shauna in response to Andrew’s refusal to answer her earlier question.

“W-well according to A-Andrew’s source, they wear l-long black robes that touch the g-ground and a s-scary looking m-mask that obscure t-their face,” answered a boy by the name of Elliot who had fear in his voice.

Long black robes and a scary looking mask, sounds ominous and dangerous. I don’t think these kids should be going looking for these people, remarked Sherlock to himself. If Shauna and I ordered them back to the castle without the answers they seek, they’ll probably sneak out on another time and put them self in danger yet again.

“Alright kids, I think you should be heading back the castle,” said Shauna firmly to the students in front of her, pointing to the direction of Cambroxzen castle. Melville began to protest Shauna’s instruction, in a rather rude manner. Shauna frowned, there was a flash of displeasure in her dark brown eyes, her thin lips curled upwards. She’s going to blow her top, said Sherlock to himself. “Minus 20 points from Staggeron! And the rest of you better get going before I minus any points from your houses,” said Shauna rather loudly. Elliot and a girl named Karen started to move, and so did Andrew. Allana was pulling Melville to go, who stubbornly stood his ground

“Kids, just stay put for a while. I need a word with Miss Li,” said Sherlock calmly to the students as he pulled his good friend aside.

“What is it?” asked Shauna, with the sound of displeasure still in her voice.

“I think we should bring them with us,” Sherlock whispered flatly to his friend, not wanting the students to hear what they were saying.

Shauna’s eyes widened. “Have you been drinking too much tea?” whispered Shauna in response. “You actually want to bring them along with us.”

“Yes,” Sherlock nodded.

Shauna placed her hand on her forehead, in total disbelief. “We should be sending them back to the castle,” argued Shauna who tried not to raise her voice. “I have a good mind to throw that Melville boy into detention. He had this a long time coming.”

“Look, I have a strong feeling these kids will come back to the forest to try and find out who these mysterious figures are,” explained Sherlock softly, “And with mysterious figures prowling the forest, it is better that they stay with us while they try to get answers. Less something bad happens to them if they try to sneak back into the forest on a later date.”

Shauna sighed, “What about the spot we were going to check out?” she asked, still keeping her voice low.

“It looks like they’re heading in the general direction of where we are going, so I don’t see a problem. We’re not making a detour,” answered Sherlock softly.

“What if we reach the spot and there is indeed something of interest there? Like a cave or something, what do we do with them?” asked Shauna in a hushed tone. The kids were still standing where Sherlock and Shauna had left them. I bet they’re wondering what we’re talking about, remarked Sherlock to himself.

“We can bring them in with us,” answered Sherlock, “I bet Andrew would not mind writing a story of a new discovery on Cambroxzen, especially one with such potential.”

“What if the place has traps?” asked Shauna, who let her concerned side show.

“I’ll go on first then. And have you forgotten, I’m a second order curse breaker,” replied Sherlock confidently with a smile. His confidence was not misplaced as he had worked as a curse-breaker for a year in Egypt and China before taking up the teaching job at Cambroxzen.

Shauna sighed, “Alright then, they can come with us. If it prevents them from sneaking back into the forest, but I still want to throw Melville into detention.”

Sherlock smiled at his friend and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Well you have every right to do so if you still want to when we get back to the castle, but right now, let’s get back to the kids.” He and Shauna then made their way back to the kids who were waiting for them.

“Miss Li and I have decided to allow you to remain in the forest,” said Sherlock to the group of kids. Melville smirked upon hearing Sherlock’s statement. “However, you will all have to follow Miss Li and me.” Melville was about to say something in protest, but he was stopped by Andrew who shook his head. I can see why Shauna wants to throw him into detention, thought Sherlock to himself.

“Thank you for allowing us to stay Mister Tan,” thanked Andrew who had a smile on his face, “and to you too Miss Li.” Shauna nodded with a small grin on her face, accepting his thanks.

Sherlock clasped his hands. “Alright then, let’s get going,” he said to Shauna and the groups of student that were now under his and Shauna’s care.

Once again, playful wisps danced around the group as they made their way deeper into the forest. The two girls, Alana and Carina were paying more attention to the wisps that danced around them than looking for the mysterious figures. On the other hand, Melville and Andrew were like hawks, keeping their eyes open for what they were looking for. Elliot was following closely behind Sherlock and Shauna, not saying a word. And Sherlock and Shauna were having a discussion about the famous story teller Waltern Diznay and his most recent work as the wisps continued to dance around them.

All of a sudden, the wisps that danced around them disappeared as quickly as they had appeared. The group stopped in their tracks when the wisps disappeared, curious as to why it happened.

“Why did all the wisps go away?” asked Karina curiously as she twirled her shoulder length red hair.

“No idea,” replied Arthur as he adjusted his glasses.

“Well if I remember correctly, wisps normally go away or disappear in the presence of a dark aura,” explained Allana to Karina. “Of course wisps can also decide to disappear if they feel like it, but that’s if only you chase them away.”

“Very good, very good,” expressed Shauna who was impressed by Allana’s knowledge on wisps and their behaviour. “Ten points to Owllaria.” Allana smiled widely upon hearing that she had gotten ten points for her house.

A dark aura, that does not sound good, thought Sherlock to himself. There shouldn’t be any dark or malicious auras in the forest. Unless, those figures Andrew and his friends are tracking down are the ones producing it. I don’t like this. Sherlock, ever cautious, reached into his hiking jacket’s pocket and produced his chestnut wand as a precaution. Shauna upon seeing what he did, proceeded to do the same. Melville followed suit and produced his own wand from his back pocket. The thought did cross Sherlock’s mind to head back to the castle for the safety of the kids, but he knew full well that if they headed back to the castle now, the kids would sneak out and put themselves in danger at another time. He made the difficult decision to push on, as it was safer for them to look for the answers they seek with him and Shauna with them, then without.

“Let’s keep moving,” said Sherlock to the rest of the group, signalling them to follow him. He and Shauna had taken point. Melville had tried to join them in front, but Sherlock had sent him back to cover the rear instead, saying to him that it was an important job. The group continued their journey into the forest. Sherlock and Shauna scanned the path in front of them vigilantly, looking for anything out of the ordinary; their wands at the ready. Andrew, on the other hand was busy jotting down notes on recent development in his notebook. The two girls and Elliot were quietly following behind Andrew. Melville like Sherlock and Shauna, scanned the area, ever vigilant.

All of a sudden and without warning, two figures burst out from the ground in front of Sherlock and Shauna, as they reached a clearing in the forest. The two Cambroxzen teachers, instinctively and immediately pointed their wands towards the two, ready for anything. The two figures standing in front of them emitted a dark and malicious aura that made the hairs on the back of Sherlock’s neck stand up. They both wore long black robes and had a mask that hid their identity, just like Andrew’s source had said. Like Sherlock and Shauna, they too had their wands drawn, and they were pointed at the group.


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Thu Dec 10, 2015 8:47 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Heyo~
Sherlock's finally doing something of interest! How exciting!

I almost wish I had known about these kids sooner. Like, introduced one or two in the previous chapters. Maybe mention how someone had to wake Melville up while he was leaving Sherlock's class in Chapter 1. Andrew could have been flitting around the duel hall interviewing people in Chapter 4. That way you don't have to dump all of this characterization on us at once.

I also want to warn against having character just because you feel like you need a few more characters. Of course, not every character you have has to be of the utmost importance. But you have three characters here that feel superfluous: Elliot, Allana, and Kira. Allana and Kira are barely made different within the narrative, referred to as "the girls." We already have fair amount of characters here, we don't need extra ones to remember too.

To be honest, I couldn't find much else that wasn't covered by the other reviewers. As always, you need to work on the relevance of your description and add in what the characters think about their surroundings.

I think this is my favorite chapter so far.
Onto Chapter 7,
Megs~




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Mon Nov 23, 2015 4:21 pm
elysian wrote a review...



Hello *waves* back again ;-)

Just to Review:

Spoiler! :
cutting out extra information
repetition
sentence flow
your writing was plain
being more clear on what's happening.
setting.
adding more history/background/development
REPETITION
more character complexity
boring descriptions
being more clear what character you are writing as
not making this a remake of Harry Potter
pronouns
pRONOUNS
PRONOUNS
make scenes more clear
make it obvious where we are (setting) was in the story
Silenus and Sherlock = how are they related?
your story is too Harry Potter - find originality!
make the magic more magical and interesting
be more concise, too wordy in some places
show not tell


Alright, let's get into it ;-)

Disclaimer: I'm going to try not to repeat myself on lecturing, just make sure you take the comments above and on other chapters and apply the general ideas to future chapters!

The Enchanted Forest was found east of Cambroxzen. It was large, beautiful and motherly; home to countless magical creatures, from fairies, to majestic unicorns and playful wisps. The land itself was a reserve. A sort of heaven to mystical plants and bugs - those, mainly harvested and used by final years and the school's potion masters. The forest was a breathtaking view of giant trees. trees said to be as old as Cambroxzen itself.


I like this entrance, and I like the descriptions, but some comments:

sentence flow is weird. let me try:

-

The Enchanted Forest east of Cambroxzen was large, beautiful, and motherly; home to countless magical creatures. From fairies, to majestic unicorns, to playful wisps, the land itself was a reserve. It had a breathtaking view of giant trees, trees said to be as old as Cambroxzen itself. The Forest was a sort of haven to the mystical plants and bugs - those mainly harvested and used by final years and the school's potion masters.

-

Just an idea.

why was she giving him an obvious stare? and how did sherlock feel? nervous? uncomfortable?

how big/small are the fairies? like are they human size? bigger? smaller like birds?

describe wisps, most people might not know what they are. color, shape, size!

Shauna’s eyes widened. “Have you been drinking too much tea?” whispered Shauna in response. “You actually want to bring them along with us.”


tea?

“However, you will all have to follow Miss Li and me.”


*Miss Li and I."

Once again, playful wisps danced around the group as they made their way deeper into the forest. The two girls, Alana and Carina were paying more attention to the wisps that danced around them than looking for the mysterious figures. On the other hand, Melville and Andrew were like hawks, keeping their eyes open for what they were looking for. Elliot was following closely behind Sherlock and Shauna, not saying a word. And Sherlock and Shauna were having a discussion about the famous story teller Waltern Diznay and his most recent work as the wisps continued to dance around them.


you said the same thing twice ;-)

Owllaria


I like this house name, it's different than harry potter ;-)


OHHHHH. Okay, this is one of my favorite chapters yet, interesting ending! I'm guessing that it's Silenus and his gang :p but yeah! This is definitley one of the better written chapters. Although short, it was good :-)

think of the things I have said, and I'll review the next chapter soon!

-Del




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Mon Oct 26, 2015 5:11 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



Hi, I have another short review, heheheh.

“W-well according to A-Andrew’s source, they wear l-long black robes that touch the g-ground and a s-scary looking m-mask that obscure t-their face,” answered a boy by the name of Elliot who had fear in his voice.


Maybe you could describe what he looks like instead, since we can already tell that he has fear in his voice.

“Very good, very good,” expressed Shauna who was impressed by Allana’s knowledge on wisps and their behaviour. “Ten points to Owllaria.” Allana smiled widely upon hearing that she had gotten ten points for her house.


Her house? I don't know what you mean by that x_x

Ah, I love that ending. The contrast between the greatly vivid beginning to the ending is fantastically well written. This is a huge step up from the last chapter :p




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Mon Oct 12, 2015 4:15 pm
LordofLit101 wrote a review...



Hey Yizhongt!

LordofLit here for a review!

Starting off with a slow pace of story telling, then BOOM! I was not expecting that! The final part was fast paced, I was literally on the edge of my seat.

There's just a few mistakes you need to correct:

'enchanted forest' as this is the name of a place, both 'enchanted' and 'forest' should both have a capital letter at the start.

' "And' again, like the last chapter, a connective word should never be capitalized.

'that obscure their face' this should be rewritten so it then says 'that obscures their faces' because you are describing numerous quantities of these ominous figures, the phrase should be in plural form.

Other than that, a well described piece! Just try to add a few more fast paced moments in there to really hook your reader.

Carry on writing!

LordofLit101




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Sun Aug 02, 2015 3:04 pm
hunith wrote a review...



Hey, Hunith here at last.

This chapter was long and dry - matter of fact. You must never, let those two happen.
If your work is long, it must possess the ability to keep the reader. If not, he or she would
be in a hurry to finish for the sake of finishing.

There were many, issues with this chapter especially with grammar and petty mistakes.
I'll try to bring some to light.
Let's begin:

This is a rephrase of the first paragraph. I want you to compare and see the difference.

Rephrase:

The Enchanted Forest was found east of Cambroxzen. It was large, beautiful and motherly; home to countless magical creatures, from fairies, to unicorns to wisps. The land itself was a reserve. A sort of heaven to mystical plants and bugs - those, mainly harvested and used by final years and the school's potion masters. The forest was a breathtaking view of giant trees. trees said to be as old as Cambroxzen itself.


Sherlock took a deep breath of the forest’s clean and crisp air. “Smell that fresh air Shauna?” he asked, contented
Shauna took a deep breath as well, inhaling the forest’s clean air. “Yup,” she replied with a smile on her face. “You can’t get air this clean and fresh anywhere else.”


Rephrase:
Sherlock took a deep breath of the forest air. "you smell that?" he smiled.
"Yup!" Shauna exclaimed. "Fresh!" she said, taking in lungfuls of the crisp air, and beaming with delight.
"You can’t get air this clean and fresh anywhere else" Sherlock continued.
"I know. That's why it's called the enchanted forest" Shauna whispered wide eyed, slipping him an obvious stare.


in my rephrase, i avoided telling the reader the condition of the forest air. I let the characters
say it themselves. That way, the reader can picture and feel the state of the characters without you having to tell them directly.

one last rephrase:

Sherlock and Shauna took a moment to enjoy the relaxing and calming environment before continuing on their journey. As they made their way into the forest and to their objective, they passed a small colony of fairies which had made their home in one of Cambroxzen’s many ancient tress. The fairies greeted the duo as they passed their humble home. Not long after that Sherlock and Shauna passed a lone majestic unicorn whose hair was as white as the fresh fallen snow. Shauna made the passing remark to Sherlock that it was unusual to see a unicorn not be the rest of its herd. Soon wisps started to join the duo on their journey and danced around them playfully. Neither Sherlock nor Shauna were bothered about the wisps dancing around them. In fact they were both quite amused. The forest was definitely teeming with life. Halfway through the forest both Sherlock and Shauna bumped into something unexpected, a group of students, who seem to be heading in the same direction as them.


first off, this paragraph is too long. you should break it down, for easy reading.

now to rephrase.

The two took a moment to enjoy the relaxing atmosphere before continuing on their journey. As they advanced into the forest, they passed a small colony of fairies. Their home was an ancient towering oak. A number of them shied away, startled by the unexpected company. Others, high up a mighty bough simply waved at the duo as they passed. In the distance, a lone majestic unicorn wandered. It was fair, hair, linen, white as snow.

Shauna smiled at the remarkable creature. But the rustling made by them, sent the creature's ear pricking. It galloped away, at the sight of them.
"Beautiful!" Shauna breathed. "You know," she cried, switching into her lecturing tone without noticing. "Unicorns are pretty shy creatures, they usually move in herds."
"uhuh!" Sherlock agreed.
"I'm just wondering why that one was alone", she said concernedly. "It's very unusual"
She looked at Sherlock, expecting a word. He just shrugged his shoulders and moved slightly ahead to avoid her questioning gaze.

They had been arguing when a number of wisps joined them, prancing about them playfully. They were amusing, and since they didn't pose trouble, Sherlock didn't mind. They continued, slowly increasing pace until something brought their hurried legs to a startling halt.
Halfway through the forest, Sherlock and Shauna bumped into an unexpected group. students.



Well i'm not saying what i've done is the best, however you can compare to the original and learn something.

You should learn more about descriptions and how to give life to your writing.
I didn't focus on grammar and stuff like that because i believe those are small issues.

By the way, i like the cliffhanger. I'll be expecting great action and tension in the next episode.

so with that said, i'll say if you have any problem, let me know.

-----signing out-----

~Hunith~




yizhongt says...


Hey Hunith, thanks for the much needed feedback. I'll make the needed changes. Is it alright with you if I took the examples you have given above ?


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hunith says...


sure buddy. go ahead



yizhongt says...


Hey hunith, chapter 7 has been published. It would be nice to get some feedback from you.


Random avatar
hunith says...


ayt



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Sat Aug 01, 2015 3:53 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, it's me to review as requested! As per usual, I would check your grammar first. :)

The Enchanted Forest was a large beautiful forest located east of Cambroxzen Castle and the island in general.


"Located at the".

It was home to many different magical creatures, from friendly fairies, to majestic unicorns to playful wisps.


I'm not a fan with the repetition of "to" in the second half part. "To majestic unicorns and playful wisps" sounds better. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "fairies".

“Smell that fresh air Shauna?” he asked, contented.


Comma after "air". Another example: "Are you handsome, Labrador?" If the questioner says, "Are you handsome Labrador?", it means that he's asking me if I'm the handsome Labrador, not if I'm handsome or not (which I am ;).

As they made their way into the forest and to their objective, they passed a small colony of fairies which had made their home in one of Cambroxzen’s many ancient tress.


"Into the forest and their objective..." Also, it's trees, not "tress".

Shauna made the passing remark to Sherlock that it was unusual to see a unicorn not be the rest of its herd.


"Not being".

Neither Sherlock nor Shauna were bothered about the wisps dancing around them.


"Neither Sherlock nor Shauna was..." This is the case with "or". We're including two objects together, we're deciding one of the two, which means singular.

She had dark brown hair that was tied into two short pig tail which hung by the side of her head.


"Two short pigtails..." Pig tail is a tail of the animal named pig.

His name was Melville, and if memory served him right, he was use to fall asleep in his class and was a bit of a trouble maker.


"He used..." instead of "he was used". The latter is a passive voice, which means there needs a subject to accompany "used". "He was used with Labrador's awesomeness," for example.

“Who is your source Andrew?” asked Shauna to the Owllarian boy, wanting to know more.

“I’m sorry Miss Li, but you know as a reporter I cannot reveal his or her sources to anyone,” replied Andrew flatly who adjusted his glasses.


Comma before Andrew. You're asking who is Andrew's source, so having Andrew answering "his or her sources" is confusing. "I cannot reveal my source" is the right phrase here. Instead of using "who", just change it to this: "Andrew flatly, adjusting his..."

I don’t think these kids should going looking for these people, remarked Sherlock to himself.


"Should be going..."

Shauna placed her hand on her forehead, in total disbelief.


No need for comma.

“However, you will all have to follow Miss Li and I.”


You don't say "follow I", do you? You say "follow me".

“Alright then, let’s get a get going,” he said to Shauna and the groups of student that were now under his and Shauna’s care.


"Let's get going..."

Andrew on the other hand was busy jotting down notes on recent development in his notebook.


"Andrew, on the other hand, was..."

Overall, your story has a good lead so far. I would suggest to trim it down by cutting unnecessary parts like the majestic unicorn or the fairies. Anything that doesn't contribute to the plot or doesn't make a setting suitable for it. I like the idea of houses and what not, I also like the character Shauna for now. I think you have to do more on the character development area.

Another thing I like is the cliffhanger. It promises actions and mystery since we don't know who's the masked figures. We would also see how the two teachers handle this matter by getting in action. I hope you can fix the grammatical errors I've mentioned above - which aren't much, though they are repetitive - so that readers could read this story smoothly. That is all! Keep up the good job! :D




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the review Labrador ! Will make the needed changes.



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Sat Aug 01, 2015 3:20 pm
Lael wrote a review...



Hi yizhongt, although I have never read any of your previous chapters and don't really get how the characters got here or what's exactly going on in the plot, I'll do my best to help. ;)

"replied Andrew flatly who adjusted his glasses." It would be better to rearrange or change some of the words here, like "Andrew replied flatly, and adjusted his glasses."

"The two girls, Alana and Carina were paying more attention to the wisps that danced around them than looking for the mysterious figures." You left out an L in "Allana."

"A dark aura, that does not sound good, thought Sherlock to himself. There shouldn’t be any dark or malicious auras in the forest. Unless, those figures Andrew and his friends are tracking down are the ones producing it. I don’t like this." I think some of these sentences are worded a little awkwardly. Maybe you could change them like, "A dark aura? That doesn't sound good, thought Sherlock. There shouldn't be any dark or malicious auras in the forest, unless those figures Andrew and his friends are tracking down are the ones producing it. I don't like this."

"Melville like Sherlock and Shauna, scanned the area, ever vigilant." I think that you could put a comma after "Melville."

"All of a sudden and without warning, two figures burst out from the ground in front of Sherlock and Shauna, as they reached a clearing in the forest." I think that you don't have to say both "All of a sudden" AND "without warning." Just one would be find. Also, there is no need for the comma after "Shauna."

Good job! Keep up the good work! Hope this review helped. :)




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the much needed feedback. I'll make the changes




I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman