“Now remember, I want you to hand in your research on the famous wizard or witch you have chosen by next class,” instructed Sherlock Tan, the young Chinese History of Magic teacher. He was standing in front of his first year students, mostly made up of children only ten years of age.The young History of Magic teacher at Cambroxzen Academy of Magic was of medium built and quite tall. He had a kind and gentle look on his face and his short jet black hair was neatly combed and parted on the left. The class was brightly lit by the morning light that penetrated through the many large windows of the classroom, which was in a massive neo- gothic styled castle which was designed and built by a German wizard and his team of builders on the request of Cambroxzen's four founders.
“But that’s next week!” complained one of his young students, a Chinese girl named Sasha, “that’s not enough time. We already have so much homework to do.” Soon other students started to complain as well, joining Sasha. The noise level in the classroom increased. Besides humans, Sherlock’s class also had a few dwarves, goblins, a half-giant and merpeople in it. Sherlock also had a single elf in his class, which was rare as many elves rarely venture beyond their homes in the forest unless it was deemed absolutely necessary.
Students these days complain too much, back in my day Professor Barinn would have given a research project and a two page worksheet, minimum, thought Sherlock to himself as he drew his finely crafted Chestnut wand and pointed it upwards. This should get their attention, mused Sherlock before casting a fireworks producing spell to get the attention of his class. As the first firework burst in the air producing a beautiful array of colours, the classroom grew quiet, not out of fear, but out of awe. Sherlock smiled victoriously, knowing he had gotten the attention of his students.
“Now I’m not asking you to write a five page report on the wizard or witch you have chosen,” explained Sherlock to his students. “I’m just asking you to do a research on what that wizard or witch was well known for, what were his or her accomplishment. It should not even be a page long.” Sherlock looked around the classroom, the students who were complaining before were no longer doing so, instead they now had a look of relief on their faces. Maybe I should give a little incentive to these kids, pondered Sherlock for a moment before reaching a decision. “Now whoever does an excellent job on their research, will get ten points for their respective clan.” The eyes of some of Sherlock’s students, the more academically inclined one anyways, widened with excitement as soon as they heard his announcement.
The school bell rang, causing the classroom to erupt into chaos as the students hurried to get their things packed for their next class. Students began packing their books and placing them into their bags before making their way to the classroom’s exit. A trio of girls, all from Owllaria clan thanked Sherlock as they passed him on their way out before continuing the conversation they were having, a conversation that was full of giggles and laughs. Another girl, a bit of a loner from clan Battaroz thanked Sherlock before walking out of the class. A group of five boys who were talking loudly amongst each other were next to exit the class, without thanking Sherlock. As soon as the last student left the classroom, Sherlock began packing up before erasing the notes he had written on the blackboard.
“Mister Tan?” came a serious and professional voice with a British accent from the entrance of Sherlock’s classroom.
Sherlock turned around to see a man perhaps in his early fifties standing at the entrance to his classroom. He was dressed in a finely tailored black suit with thick framed black glasses and his brown coloured hair was combed neatly. His slightly wrinkled face had a rather serious look on it, yet it was not intimidating. “Yes? Can I help you?” asked Sherlock curiously to the gentleman from his elevated teaching position.
The gentleman stepped inside the classroom closing the oak door behind him before walking over towards Sherlock. “My name is Christopher Hart,” greeted the gentleman, “and I work with the Ministry of Artefact Recovery, and we need your assistance.”
“My assistance?” said Sherlock who was surprised, “why me?”
Hart adjusted his glasses before replying Sherlock. “To be honest Mister Tan, you are not our first choice,” answered Hart frankly, “our first choice was Professor Barrinn, but apparently he is currently occupied with an important matter and cannot entertain anyone. So instead of wasting my trip, I thought I would seek out the help from the second most knowledgeable individual of ancient magical artefacts on Cambroxzen’s ground.”
“I see, so how can I help you?” asked Sherlock
“What do you know about the chalice of life?” queried Hart before taking out a finely crafted maple wand and conjuring a bar stool he could sit on.
“Nothing concrete I’m afraid,” answered Sherlock as he folded his arms, “most of the knowledge the academic community has a on the chalice comes from obscure text and myths.”
“So what do those obscure text and myth have to say about the chalice?” asked Hart as he adjusted his glasses again.
“Well it says that the chalice has the power to heal any sort of physical injury, ailment or illness,” answered Sherlock, “regardless how bad it is.” Hart just nodded as he took in the information that Sherlock just told him. “If you don’t mind me by asking, why do you need information about the chalice?
Hart looked at Sherlock for a moment before answering him “Mister Tan, do you remember the robbery at Eragash Bank’s main branch in London a week ago?”
“Yes I remember that,” replied Sherlock, “I read about it in the papers.”
“Well, one of the many items that were stolen from the bank, besides money, was the chalice, which was stolen out of the deepest vault in the bank” informed Hart.
Sherlock’s eyes widened in disbelief, “The chalice is real?”
“Very much so,” acknowledged Hart.
“Do you know who owns the vault?” asked an extremely curious Sherlock who wanted to know more.
Hart shook his head, “No we don’t,” answered Hart, “and the bank has lost the record on who actually owns the vault, but we at the ministry and our colleagues at the ministry of law enforcement belief that the person that robbed the bank was specifically after the chalice and nothing else,” Hart paused for a moment, “the thief stole other items to try and distract us from their real target.”
“Who could do something like that?” questioned Sherlock as he rubbed the back of his head slowly. He was still in shock, shocked that the chalice of life was actually real and was in the possession of someone.
Before Hart could answer Sherlock, someone knocked on the door of the classroom. “Come in,” said Sherlock. The door opened slowly to reveal a young lady who was probably in her early twenties standing at the entrance to the classroom. The young lady had a thin but healthy figure, her long brown hair was braided nicely and neatly and her dark brown eyes reflected adventure.
“Shauna, what can I do for you?” asked Sherlock warmly with a smile on his sharp face. Shauna Li was one of Sherlock’s close friends, someone that Sherlock had known for most of his life. She was also the Beastkeeping for Beginners teacher, teaching younger students how to care for harmless magical creatures.
“We’re supposed to meet for lunch,” replied Shauna with a hint of annoyance in her voice, who was now leaning by the classroom’s entrance.
“I’m so sorry Shauna,” apologised Sherlock. “I just got caught up with helping Mister Hart over here with some information he needed,” said Sherlock as he pointed to Hart, who then curtly nodded to Shauna.
Shauna sighed, “Well I guess I’ll be eating lunch alone today then.”
“Actually Mister Tan and I are finished,” said Hart to Shauna as got off the stool he was sitting on before hovering his right hand over the bar stool he was sitting on. After a brief moment, a blue runic circle formed around Hart's hand before the chair vanished in a flash.
Ancient Magic, most impressive. And what's more impressive is that he didn't even need to chant an incantation.Not many people can do that, remarked Sherlock to himself as he witnessed the masterful display of magic in front of him. Hart looked to Sherlock with his arm extended, “Thank you for your help Mister Tan.”
“The pleasure has been mine,” said Sherlock as he shook Hart’s hand. “I hope you catch whoever stole the chalice.”
“As do I,” Hart said as he made his way out of the classroom.
Hart was almost out of the classroom when Sherlock called out to him, “Mister Hart, I just remembered something else about the chalice.” Hart stopped in his tracks.
“What is it?” queried Hart, interested to know more about the artefact he was assigned to recover.
“The chalice has a twin,” informed Sherlock, “the Gem of Immortality.”
“The Gem of Immortality?” said Hart as he adjusted his glasses. “What does it do?”
“According to myth and legend, when combined with the chalice it grants whoever drinks out of the chalice immortal life as well as an increase in their connection with the magical energies of this world,” answered Sherlock. “I’m also assuming the Ministry does not have the gem in possession since you do not know about its existence.”
“Quite right Mister Tan,” acknowledged Hart. “And if the person who stole the chalice plans to reunite the chalice with the gem and use it for nefarious purposes, we have to know where this gem might be found and recover it before the person with the chalice finds it.”
“Well there are a couple of places where academics believe the gem to be located,” informed Sherlock to Hart who was still standing by the entrance to the class, next to Shauna who was still patently waiting, “the first is somewhere in France, the second is somewhere in Cambodia, and finally, some academics think the gem is here, in Cambroxzen itself, but all of these are myth and it might not be even true.”
“I see,” said Hart as he took in the information, “thank you for the additional information, I have kept you long enough Mister Tan.” With that, Hart left the classroom, but not before apologising to Shauna.
Shauna stepped into the classroom. “Who was that?” asked Shauna curiously to Sherlock.
“I’ll tell you on the way to lunch,” replied Sherlock, “because at the moment, I’m starving. And I need to eat something, badly”
Shauna smiled, “Alright then, let’s go.” Shauna made her way out of the classroom, with Sherlock following closely behind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Heyo~
Read through the reviews. Sorry if I repeat things~
I wouldn't worry about being very similar to HP. You can't deny the similarities, even with the edits. The fact that you have a point reward system, a castle school of magic, and students separated into groups immediately associates your story with HP, and you'd have to make serious changes to your world building to make it otherwise. I have a novel that's really similar to Star Trek. I have alien humanoids with pointed ears xD The fact is, as an amateur writer, the most important thing is to write. Acknowledge that your story is incredibly similar to HP. Lying to yourself never accomplished anything, but keep writing it anyways. The majority of writing is practice, and while this, as is, is too similar to HP to ever get published, you get experience out of writing it, and that's what matters. Your story is a HP/King Arthur mash up. That's okay.
So ends the gushy segment of this review.
I said I would give an opinion on whether or not the prologue was necessary. I'm not entirely for or against it, but Rosey is right. A lot of people skip prologues which, in this case, is a shame. Your prologue gets the reader pumped, and this is... really flat. If I wasn't reviewing this, I wouldn't continue.
As others have said, your dialogue is so wooden. No one would actually say most of the things that come out of Christopher's mouth.
There are also a few things about the story itself that force me to raise an eyebrow
- How does a bank not know who owns a vault?
- If we don't know who owned the vault, how do we know what was in it?
- Sherlock and Christopher couldn't have been done with their conversation. Sherlock had given Christopher literally no information that Christopher didn't already know. Is Sherlock just some ferry for the backstory of the chalice?
- How did Sherlock remember that piece of information just as Christopher was leaving? Something like that isn't remembered on a whim. He's studied the chalice and the gem. That's not realisitic.
So, this chapter felt like a lot of explanation because it's the beginning, and we need to know what's going on, so it was boring. You weren't afraid to drop us in the middle of your world during the prologue, I would encourage similar treatment here. The best way to learn about a place is to experience it. Let us experience your world. Don't lull us to sleep with descriptions of it on the plane ride there.
Chapter 2 here I come~
Any questions, lemme know,
Megs~
Hi again!! I read up to chapter five today, so it won't be long until I review the chapter you actually wanted reviewed, heheheh. Just a quick couple of things I have on my mind, so this will be a short review.
First, the story is really compelling and easy to follow. I've enjoyed reading it so far. Mostly, your ability to describe a new area to the reader is very commendable. It's something I struggle with, so seeing your vivid descriptions of new locations is really just admirable to see.
I also love your character na,es. I know he wasn't introduced yet in this chapter, but Silendus is just an awesome name for a villain. It's so dark, like you know that's one bad guy, yet it's catchy and easy to remember. Sherlock Tan is unique, memorable and yet easy to remember - which is absolutely perfect for a main character. Christopher Hart is a cool name too, but I don't think he has appeared yet again after this chapter, from what I've gotten to at least. heheh.
Some quick things about this chapter in particular:
So, before I told you "artefact" was a misspelling. Turns out I was wrong, it's just the British spelling lol. American English spells it "artifact". Part of why I don't go into much grammar and spelling in reviews x_x
After I read this part, I actually Googled whether or not Cambroxzen was a real country, and the only result was your story x_x So now the references to real world countries makes more sense, as it's a fictional country in the real world. The far out prologue and wizard powers threw me off.
It must be a pain remembering what everyone's unique wand is, heheh. For me, it's like eye colors, I always just struggle remembering what I said someone's color eyes are.
There are some typos and grammatical errors here and there, but I think you're good to find them yourself when you want to fix them. The writing and dialogue keeps getting so much better, it's really neat to keep reading and seeing just how much you improve over a quick period of time. Keep it up, I'll be reading x_x
Hey! I'm the Chirave Canicthus and I'm here to review your work. You requested this in my Wrff thread. In that case, I'm really sorry I'm late. So yeah. Onwards to the belated review.
This Really smells like a Harry Potter thing. I mean, it was mentioned in the review below, but everytime I heard wizard, I kept thinking it. I mean, you have houses, the house names are very related to animals. (Owllaria, Battaroz.) It seems very suspicious.
I'd seriously warn against this too. This isn't listed under fanfiction, and it means someone could think that this is an original work. I mean, every idea has originality in its own right, but it's very easy to mistake this kind of thing. It just smells like Harry Potter stuff, and maybe you didn't think: Imma just write a HP au. Just change a few things around. I mean, the author of Mortal Instruments did it and got published. Heck, MI was a fanfic from the same fandom! I can get published too!!11!
But it might be taken like that. Things might get hairy if some kind of credit isn't even given. Even if you simply acknowledge it's much like HP, then it'll be okay. Just saying this because it could really get you in a bad situation, even with other YWS-ers.
Next, these names seem so weird. Why would a nation be called Cambroxzen, and even if it's somewhere in the real world, why would you waste such opportunity on names like Sasha or Shauna? (On that note, there are a lot of S names here.) There are merpeople and elves in this school! You can have such opportunity here! Maybe merpeople could have really cool names like Keilpa. They could even be thinly veiled versions of a sea-related word, and they wouldn't be generic people names. It could add something that would differentiate it from a Harry Potter au.
So in that case, I think I'll just close up. The grammar is great, and the dialogue feels smooth but kinda expositiony. This chapter is pretty solid as I can see a clear plot coming through, but something about this just kinda bugs me. So yeah. See you!
Keep Writing!
*Chiravian flies away*
Thanks for the reviews, I realise that it smells like HP. Do you have any suggestions on how to rectify it? Or acknowledge the fact that it is somewhat like HP like you said. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Also if you could review Chapter 2, that would be great. If you have the time. Thanks in advance !
For rectification, if you really feel the need to keep the students in groups, then do more than rename the houses to similarly themed names, but even go far enough to rename the houses something like "Clans," "Dorms," or even "Wings." Maybe you can have a different number of houses, like 6 or 3.
Simply acknowledging it would be putting something along the lines of "I realize it draws a bunch of simliarites to Harry Potter but I didn't intend for that," or something of the like. 
So yeah. Those are my best ideas on rectifying it. I'll check ch2 out.
Hello!
being more clear on what's happening.
I'm here because you have requested a review from me in my WRFF thread!
Since you didn't specify something that you wanted me to specifically review on, I'm going to just write down anything I think needs edited or that you should work on!
As I've seem that many people have already reviewed this, I will try and make this mostly an overview, not very specific review. I don't read the other reviews, so if I repeat something that someone else has said, that means that you might want to edit that specific part
I'm honestly scared to review after Rose, since she's got a really long post. Mine might not be as high quality, sorry about that :p
Just to refresh:
In your prologue, you needed to work on:
Spoiler
setting.
adding more history/background/development
sentence flow
Okay, let's get into Chapter One ~
I think it would flow better like this: "instructed Sherlock Tan, the young Chinese History of Magic teacher. He was standing in front of his first year students, mostly made up of children only ten years of age."
It'll just flow a lot better.
Here, I see you tend to write things way differently than you would say them out loud. I always try to make sure I read my pieces out loud to a person, and then I listen to some one read it out loud to me. Just to make sure nothing is oddly phrased or something that would make a person hesitate while reading. It's just a good way to double check that stuff :p
this is such a boring sentence, almost annoying. Why use the EXACT same description twice, and then add a little more onto it? Take out the first part of it, and just make the new information into a sentence that makes sense. No need for describing the exact same thing the exact same way twice, it's boring and unnecessary. Use his actual name, or just "he" because it's implied that the teacher is who we are talking about.
okay. You repeated information again. I haven't been able to get through your first few paragraphs yet because of this, if that's a sign to you that you need to work on this.
let me walk step through step on what you did wrong, to make sure you understand.
"Besides humans, Sherlock’s class also had a few dwarves, goblins, a half-giant and merpeople in it. Sherlock also had a single elf in his class, which was rare as many elves rarely venture beyond their homes in the forest unless it was deemed absolutely necessary. Like Sherlock's class, the larger student body of Cambroxzen not only consisted of humans, but of dwarves, goblins, merpeople, half-giants, centaurs and a few elves."
You repeated the information in bold twice. You could've just said that the student body consisted of the same sorts of creatures in this guy's class, you didn't have to rewrite the same names. Readers are lazy, we don't want tor read the same thing five times in a row, we want you to get straight to the point, only using detail when necessary. So just make sure you're not repeating the same thing over and over, it's just more work that you don't necessarily need to do.
Another thing, your writing is so...basic. So plain. It's something that's almost too simple. It doesn't catch my eye and keep me actively reading. Use some spicy words. Of course, don't go to over the top using words that someone in the age range would have a really tough time trying to figure out what it means from context clues. And it's okay to put a few words in there that you have to look up to understand. Just don't make them fifty letters long or something. But I need more than "this happened, and then that happened, and I felt like this, and then I did this," etc. It's boring and It's hard for me to keep reading without being totally bored.
Also, what happened to your main character? I'm very confused by that. I guess I should probably read further than the second paragraph before I ask those kind of questions :p
woah...Harry Potter much?
I'm am praying that this doesn't resemble Harry Potter, because if it does...where's the originality in that? Unless it's a fan fiction, which I don't believe is what this is listed under, you should stay away from having things in common with other books, especially something as well known as the HP series! That's a HUGE no!
ugh. repetition again. this is one of your major problems. Please make sure you try to refrain from doing it from now on. (obviously, it'll probably be in your further chapters. I will try not to comment on it as much, but still show you where you have done it so you can edit it.)
a lil "captain obvious" on this one. Don't add information just to add a lil something there as a filler, just to add it. Just say "the school bell rang, causing the classroom to erupt in chaos as the students hurried to get their things packed for their next class."
See how that makes it much more interesting, but still provides the same message?
work on that
this should be: "Do you know who owns the vault?" Sherlock asked, his curiosity too intense to conceal."
that sounds a lot better, and it flows better.
Okay. I will say that your dialogue was DEFINITELY more interesting than the rest of this. I have some questions and things for you to fix.
I would love to see more things about describing the behavior of these two men while they're talking. I got a little bit of it when you told us that the teacher was scratching his head because he was in shock. I would just feel a little closer to the character if I knew habits of that character.
Questions:
Why would the girl be able to hear this stuff? Wouldn't this kind of thing be, like, top secret? That was very confusing to me.
well, that's really all I got for this chapter. I have to go for a few, but I'll be back soon to review your second chapter!
Hope this helps in some way ~
- Delonie
Hello.
I so happened to come across the fact you'd edited this, and I'd like to point out you completely missed a very large part of my point:
The character's voice is still non-existent and your descriptions are still doing nothing more than describing for the sake of it.
All those pretty details mean nothing unless the character's voice is coming through. If you're not going to put descriptions in the character's voice, those descriptions should be cut. Descriptions should never merely describe, and they should most certainly not be in such a huge lump like you have them now.
Have some more articles:
Breathing emotion into scenes
Description
Unneeded Information
Scenery Descriptions
Get away from describing things for the sake of description and make those descriptions have a point. Fantasy does not need large blocks of information about every single little thing that the place looks like. You should be limiting your descriptions to what your character would realistically notice, even in third person, because then we have a reason to care about the descriptions. You should also be spreading your descriptions out so we don't have large blocks of them that stop the story dead in its tracks, especially at the beginning, because that is excruciatingly boring to read.
Forget about the setting. Focus on the character, what he would notice, and what he is feeling. The last part is important, because readers pick up stories to feel what the character is feeling.
And right now I'm feeling nothing.
~Rosey
Hello.
So a few things with this.
First off. It's very boring. Beginnings should answer the question "why should I care?" and by starting with a teacher explaining a homework assignment, you have me putting the story back down because this is so far out of the realm of "interesting" that I would probably have stopped right there had I not made up my mind to review this.
On a related note, it's long. You have a single sentence take up three lines, which is lengthy in general and even longer when it's the very first thing we see upon reading the story. I am aware you have a prologue, but most people (like me) don't read prologues. You absolutely cannot rely on the prologue to generate interest, which means chapter 1 has to stand on its own as the first thing we see. This does not.
To top if all off, the length is because you're cramming in a bunch of irrelevant information into a single sentence. From 44 words I know the person's full name, gender, profession, what continent he's from (more on that in the next paragraph), that he's young, his location, his body position, and the grade he's teaching. I legitimately do not need to know any of this at all. First sentences should focus on being interesting. Information off a character sheet is not interesting.
As for your description, "Asian" doesn't tell me much at all. The continent is huge and includes a ton of different ethnic groups, to the point there is absolutely no consistent look for how they appear. Do you mean Indian, Filipino, Japanese, Chinese, Mongolian, Vietnamese, Turkish, Korean, Iranian, or many more I'm not listing for the sake of length. That's just countries. Within those countries there is incredible genetic variety that would take pages to document. For an example, China recognizes 55 ethnicities within the republic. Note the word "recognizes". There are likely more, because the government is very bad at recognizing every single ethnicity out there.
Not to mention, it's so distant from the protagonist. The primary reason I pick up novels is because of character voice, and this doesn't tell me anything about the character voice. It's simply relaying information. Not the best start.
I'd suggest reading this and improving.
Descriptions of a person's body generally aren't required at all, and should be deleted. See my previous point about irrelevant information. Only this time, I'm going to bring in worldbuilding and the concept of "show, don't tell".
The thing about worldbuilding details such as, say, the light coming in or the architecture. There are much more interesting ways of developing that instead of simply listing out traits that don't mean anything. Generalities such as "large medieval castle" are completely non-descriptive for multiple reasons, including:
- The idea of "medieval" is highly warped by pop culture, to the point the actual medieval period and what people see as medieval are drastically different. Not to mention historians tend to disagree about absolutely everything, so the period's beginning and end are not well established.
- It's a much larger period than people think (spanning a millennia), meaning there were tons of technological advances at the time that modified architecture and changed the aesthetic preferences
- Multiple countries have what we would call a "medieval period", all of whom used different architecture (between cultural differences and weather needs), meaning a medieval castle in Germany will look different from a medieval castle in Spain which will, again, look different from a medieval castle in England.
- Differences in architecture can vary by province (for the same reasons outlined) and a castle in the North of England will look different from a castle in the South of England.
- Castles very frequently got renovated and updated to reflect the changing times if they were still in use, so the likelihood of a castle staying "medieval" is slim to none
- Really bottom line each castle is very unique based on when it was built, the original purpose for construction, and how it's been occupied since its original building, so using a shorthand such as "medieval" is about as vague as you can get.
So instead of simply listing "a medieval castle", you can instead describe the stone, the drafts, the way it was renovated, the way the room has been repurposed— while actually giving us the main character's opinion on these things. You can also have him use objects in the room, complain about the light, or whatever makes sense for what he's feeling at that moment. That would actually develop the character's perspective, richen the world so it feels alive, and give readers something to latch onto.
You'd get character voice and describe stuff, all the while spreading out the description so it's not a dry textbook. Giant blocks of text are generally frowned upon because they are boring. The fact this is the first paragraph makes it worse, because this is our introduction to the world.
The thing about description and infodumping is: there are good ways of doing it. Having a character interact with specific things in the setting and having an opinion on them is a way of making them interesting because suddenly, these items have a purpose. They're an actual part of the character's life, meaning we have a reason to care about them, meaning they're not a random list thrown in the first paragraph because "I need to establish this".
Once you realize you don't need to establish anything but the character voice and whatever the most interesting thing is, you'll have a much stronger beginning. Absolutely everything else about the character or setting is secondary.
Again, this all comes back to the question "why should I care?" This should be answered by one of two things:
1- It's interesting enough you got my attention
2- The character cares about it.
Having one or both of those will make it the details have a purpose. You can spend ages upon ages describing something and so long as the character cares about it, then it will be something worthwhile to read.
Honestly, I think I'm going to stop the nit-picks there. The irrelevant information, vague descriptions, and lack of voice plagues this whole piece. Go over everything and rewrite it so you actually only have relevant pieces of information that give the character's voice. That will improve the piece drastically.
As for the topic of the piece itself.
You seriously sound like Harry Potter.
I read in the replies to another review that it is different, but here's the thing: that doesn't matter. If people get the impression this is Harry Potter, they will not care to find out what the differences are. They will put the story down, say "This is a rehash of Harry Potter", and they will not bother finding out that later there are differences. What they care about is how right now the story looks like Harry Potter, and that is the perception you have to address.
Readers don't want to stick around if they feel like they've seen it all before. If you have to explain that there are differences, then you've failed your job as a writer. It should be apparent immediately that there are differences, and readers are going to get something new. Right now, those differences don't exist.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hello! Hermione here as requested! This story was a lot like Harry Potter. And I love Harry Potter so I’m sure I’m going to continue reading this book you’re making. This was a pretty good start! There is a bit I saw you could improve on to make it even better though.
Okay. Let’s start with the first paragraph. I really wanted to focus in on this paragraph, because it’s what will either suck your reader in or push them away. It’s arguably the most important part of your piece. I agree with Pretzelsing in the fact that it’s a bit of an info-dump. Also, it’s missing commas in many places. However, I do think you picked a good place to start your story. Here is how I would fix this paragraph (you can take or leave any parts of this):
Spoiler
Pushing aside the punctuation errors and such, another nitpick I have is that your intro didn’t really suck me into your story. Your story got MUCH more interesting later, but I just couldn’t get into it at first. A piece of advice that I’ve been given many times is that you should always try to start off your story with your character wanting something, whether that something is small like a glass of water or huge like freedom. That’s just something for you to think about. Whether you change the beginning or not is completely up to you.
Now let’s talk about Sherlock. He seems like he’s going to turn out to be a really likable character. You mention that he’s Asian, but Sherlock doesn’t really seem like an Asian name to me. It actually has English roots. The name just doesn’t seem fitting for this character, that is, unless you end up explaining how he got this name. If there isn’t a story behind it, I would suggest changing it.
Another issue I noticed is that your dialogue doesn’t sound very realistic in places. Many times your characters repeat themselves or the person they’re speaking to word for word. Most people don’t do that naturally. Here are a couple places where you could make your dialogue more realistic:
Spoiler
“I’m not asking you to write a five page report,” explained Sherlock. “I’m just asking you to do a little research. What was your witch or wizard well known for? What were their accomplishments? It shouldn’t even be a page long.
Hart shook his head. “We don’t. The back actually lost the record of who owned it. We at the ministry and our colleagues at the Ministry of Law Enforcement believe that the person who robbed the bank was specifically after the chalice and nothing else.” Hart paused for a moment. “The thief stole the other items to try to distract us from the real target.”
Now that I’ve gone through my criticism, I’m going to tell the part of this that I LOVED.
This is where I really got into your story. I want to see what happens next, and I assure you I’ll continue reading any additional chapters you post. Twists like this are awesome, and while they shouldn’t be overused, yours was very effectively placed.
Overall, good job. This needs a bit of work, but it’s a really good idea! I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!
By the way this is like the longest review I’ve ever wrote so YAY!
Thank you for giving a very constructive review. I'll make the needed changes. On the name Sherlock, there's no specific history to why his parents chose it. I just liked the name, and dont think its weird at all. Considering that many Asians have English names these days.
On another note, is it really similar to Harry Potter, or does it differ in some way
Okay, about the Sherlock name
Your story really doesn't differ much from Harry Potter. There's a magic school, similar subjects are taught there, the first years are the same age, and there's also the Ministry. Are you going to incorporate characters from the HP series (like fan-fiction) or is this a stand alone story? In the HP books it's mentioned that there are other magic schools across the globe; is this supposed to be one?
Its a book on its own. Totally separate from the HP universe. Unlike HP, the whole world is united under one singular Ministry of Magic and there are other sentient magical races like elves, dwarfs and goblins living together in harmony. All have a role in government, unlike in HP where they are like outcast
There are other schools. Each country or region has one, only catering to students from that country or region. Cambroxzen is somewhat like a private institution somewhere of a the coast of the UK, its open to everyone regardless of where they came from.
Cool! I get it now. Just to clarify, is everyone in this world either a witch, wizard, or magical creature of some sort or are there regular people unaware of magic (like muggles)?
Everyone is a witch or wizard or magical creatures. There is no international statute of secrecy in this world. Everyone can use magic, they are all connected to the magical life stream of sort, they are like conduits. That being said, some wizard or witches are more powerful because they are a better conduit to the magical powers of the world
Heya yizhongt, Pretzel here for a review as you requested.
) and you also threw in mystery and suspense with the robbery of the chalice. Congrats for doing that, because not many authors/writers can do that in one chapter/novel.
-I wanted to start off with: I like that you added a lot of cool genres into this one chapter. Fantasy, adventure, realistic (because of school
-Your first line, doesn't grab me, doesn't catch me.
-Also, you repeated the word, research two times, which doesn't have to be. I have bolded it for your easy reference, and strikeout the part I think that should be gone.
-There is too much adjective and titles describing Sherlock. Tell me, why do we really need to know so much about the MC (I assume) in the first chapter. This is the first time we meet him, and already my brain is swimming with the information that you just tried to put into it.
-Woah,
-Okay, next thing. A reader really really really likes to imagine characters on their own, trust me.
-Hmm, the characters/students emotions escalated so quickly here, from complaint and disappointment to a smile? That just seems untypical of tweenagers, because they still actually have to do the research and write the paper.
-When you describe all the students walking out, and some of them thanking the professor and some of them not, I would totally cut that out. You don't need to describe every individual/group of students because we obviously know that some people will say thank you and some kids won't.
-This is probably a minor nitpick, but I honestly think that this is a bit too formal.
-When I read this, I though: He is a professor, where are his specific references of stating of sources. He should at least include a title of two, to make this statement valid and credible.
-This is probably the single most thing that totally got my attention in this chapter. I literally perked up in my chair,
-The ending, the last sentence, fell flat? I felt like you could have enhanced that much more, by making it a cliffhanger, since this is the first chapter of a mystery novel. Anything that would have left us hanging on the edge. I see what you were trying to do, wrap up the whole chapter, but that's not always the way to go, you know?
-Overall, work on your first and last sentence a bit. Remember not to over-dump/info-dump your reader with your character's appearance, and keep on having that air of detective mystery woven into your story.
Keep Writing!
#BF8000 ">/Pretzel/
Thanks for the review Pretzelsing, really appreciate it. I will try my best to make the changes you have recommended I do.
p/s: I did not intend to write the story as a mystery book. Hopefully I can keep up the air of mystery, because I feel I'm terrible at writing mystery stories.
Hi, this is Hunith.
well, i've been following the chalice of life and i think the story is very good and intriguing.
I literally ate your pages. This story carries promise.
But there are some few things i want to point out to you.
~ I think the writing was rushed. You were probably in a hurry to submit, which i
understand but you should read through your work before submitting. cos there were lots
of spelling mistakes in your submission. I don't have time to point them all out. They are
numerous
~ In your first paragraph, 'student' should have been 'students' and many more...
~ From your 4th paragraph;
"It would not even be a page long.”
I personally think it should have been 'should not' instead of the 'would not'
~ I also think the description of Hart wasn't enough. He was a very important
character who carried the information that ruled this chapter so i think the reader should
have been given the opportunity to picture him vividly. Example you could have told us
how old he was, whether he had a mustache or a beard, his disposition etc
~ The classroom too wasn't elaborated enough. though over elaboration makes books boring,
the right amount usually allows the reader to actually be present at the scene, which is
what every writer wants.
~ I'm not trying to pry or over criticize but i think that some of your character names could
have been better. the name sasha didn't blend with the personality for me, but hey thats
just my opinion. Others may feel otherwise.
All said. I really love this story and i think it'll go far. Waiting for more exciting pages from you. I'm Out
~Hunith~
Hi, so I want to help new reviewers. If you want to look more proffesional and readable, you could make your texts like this in quotes:
Here is the code for it:
[quote][/quote]Hope that this helps!
thanks Pretzelsing
Hey hunith, if you have the time, The Chalice of Life Chapter 2 is out
Hi, yizhongt!
)
LordofLit here for a review!
This is quite a good start, you've already got me interested about the storyline, and I know it is going to be fast paced and action packed! I liked the fact that you introduced another powerful artefact, will there be more as the story progresses?
There's just a few things you should attend to:
Try and describe the scene that the characters are standing in; what is the classroom like? what is in the classroom? It will get your readers hooked a bit more if you create some good descriptions of the scene surrounding the characters.
In the first paragraph, don't overdo it with commas, try this for example; 'first year students. Students who were only twelve years of age'.
Apart from this there were no other parts that needed improvement, so good work!
I like also how you've made the incident at the bank sound really sinister, it gave me chills and intrigued me at the same time. (Believe me, chills are good, especially on a hot day
I love the way the story is progressing and I can tell that the next chapters are going to be as good! Keep this up and make the improvements, can't wait for the next chapter!
LordofLit101
P.S.- Chapter Six of A Scale of Power has been posted
Hey LordofLit, if you have the time, The Chalice of Life Chapter 2 is out
will do