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Chalice of Life: Chapter 3

by yizhongt


Sherlock opened one of the two large finely crafted oak doors that lead into the Grand Library of Cambroxzen. The library was huge, the size of it still captivated Sherlock, just like it did when he first stepped foot into it thirteen years ago. The Grand Library occupied three of the eight floors of medieval castle it was in. There were tables and bookshelves made of fine oak as far as the eye could see. The bookshelves contained a plethora of books covering various different subject matters, from charms to potion brewing to transmutation and to care for magical plants. The afternoon sunlight floated in to the grand library through the many large windows it had.

As soon as Sherlock entered the Grand Library, he made his way to the front desk which was located on the left side of the Grand Library’s entrance. Since classes were still on for the day, the library was devoid of students. The front desk had only one person working at it, librarian Jocasta Hollingsworth-who was a friend of Sherlock from their days of going to Cambroxzen together. Jocasta had a slim figure and was a bit on the shorter side, her long dark brown hair was tied into a high ponytail.

“Nice outfit you’re wearing today Sherlock,” complemented a smiling Jocasta on Sherlock’s choice of clothes for the day, which was a dark brown wool sport coat worn over a light brown coloured sweater along with a pair of black pants.

Sherlock smiled in return. “Thanks for the complement, Jocasta,” thanked Sherlock.

“So what can I do for you Sherlock?” asked Jocasta who still had a smile on her face from behind the main desk. “Need me to extend the loan period for Magical Artefacts of Asia and Howard Cartright: Unearthing Tukhathazun ?

“No need for that Jocasta,” replied Sherlock as he shook his head. “I actually need the key to restricted section.”

Jocasta’s blue eyes widened slightly. “The restricted section? What do you need to get from down there?” queried the curious young librarian.

“I need to do some research on Cambroxzen’s early history and on its grounds,” answered Sherlock giving no more information than that.

Jocasta took out her golden-toned wand and proceeded to place it next to a drawer on the main desk. “Fientes,” chanted Jocasta. Her wand let out a faint yellow spark, unlocking the lock of the drawer in which the key to the restricted area was kept in. Jocasta pulled open the drawer and proceeded to take out a gold key that was intricately made, which she subsequently handed over to Sherlock.

“Thanks Jocasta,” said Sherlock with a smile as he kept the key in his inner coat’s pocket. “Have a good day.”

“You too Sherlock,” replied Jocasta with a warm smile from behind the large oak main desk. “Hope you can find what you’re looking for down there.”

“Me too,” remarked Sherlock. Sherlock left the main desk of the Grand Library and took a right to where the door to the restricted section was located at. Sherlock walked pass a row of large oak bookshelves which flanked him on both sides before reaching his destination. As soon as Sherlock reached the door that led to restricted section, he reached into his coat’s inner pocket and took out the gold key that would give him access to the lower level. Sherlock put the key into the keyhole and proceeded to turn the key, opening the old oak door.

Sherlock closed the door behind him before walking down a spiral staircase that was lit by torches that was attached to the sides of the spiral stairwell, torches which were enchanted to be automatically lit when someone opened the door. Sherlock walked down the spiral staircase carefully before reaching another door at the base of the stairwell which he opened using the key he was given.

The restricted section of the library unlike the two main levels of the Grand Library had few windows. Sunlight crept through them, but it was not enough to illuminate the entire level of the restricted section, necessitating the use of ornately made lamps which hung from the ceiling. The air in the restricted section was also stale and slightly dusty. Like the two main levels of the Grand Library, there were rows and rows of books, covering various different subjects which the younger students were not suppose to learn until their later years, or at all. There were also a few study desk that the academic staff and older students with permission could use to carry out their research. Sherlock was walking over to the map room where they kept the ancient maps of Cambroxzen and its grounds when he bumped into a fellow staff member, Charles Warrington.

“Hello Sherlock,” greeted Charles with a warm and friendly tone. “What are you doing down here?” asked Charles with a typical British accent. Charles was in his late forties , he was lanky and had dark brown hair that was thinning at the front.

“Mister Warrington, fancy meeting you down here, out of all places. I’m just down here to do some research on Cambroxzen’s grounds,” answered Sherlock to his former Martial Magic and Protection Against Black Magic lecturer.

“Now what did I tell you about calling me Mister Warrington in a non-formal setting?” asked Charles as he placed a friendly hand on Sherlock’s shoulder.

“Not to do it,” replied Sherlock with a smile

“Exactly,” answered Charles with a smile on his face.

“So what are you doing down here Charles?” queried Charles’ former student.

“I came to borrow some books,” answered Charles, “these two books to be precise.” Charles took out two books from his black leather sling bag and showed them to Sherlock. Sherlock looked at the title of the books. One was titled Darkest Creatures of the East and the other was Vile Curses from the East.

“What do you need these books for?” asked Sherlock as he gave the two books back to his former lecturer.

“For my fourth year Protection Against Black Magic class. I’m going to teach them about the dark threats that lurks throughout the Asian continent.”

“Sounds like its going to be an interesting class,” opined Sherlock. “If you need any sources on Dark Wizards of Witches of Asia, I could loan you my copy of Atrocious Wizards and Witches of Asia.”

“That’s a generous offer Sherlock, I’ll probably take you up on your offer. Sherlock, since you’re here, could I ask a favour from you?” asked Charles as he put back the two books he borrowed into his bag.

“Sure thing Charles. Ask away.”

“How would you like to help me with a dueling tutorial I have to give the first year students?” asked Charles. “If I remember correctly, you were quite the dueler in your school days.”

Sherlock was flattered by his former lecturer’s comment on his dueling skill. “I would love to help you. When is it ?”

Charles clasped his hands together, clearly delighted. “Excellent. It’s this Friday night at 8.30 in the dueling practice hall. Anyways I should be going, and I’ve kept you long enough from what you have to do. See you this Friday night Sherlock.” Charles wished his former student goodbye and a good day before making his way to the door that led out of the restricted section of the Grand Library.

Once Charles had left, Sherlock continued towards the map room which was located on the right corner of the restricted section. As soon as Sherlock entered the room, he immediately began taking out the maps carefully from the old oak drawers that they were stored in and placed it on a large desk located at the center of the room. Sherlock proceeded to take a seat and began going through the maps using a revealing charm to try and reveal anything hidden on the map. After going through a pile a maps, some stretching back all the way to the 17th century, to the time Cambroxzen was created on an artificial island of the coast of Britain with the magic of its four founders, Sherlock was all about ready to give up and call it a day. Maybe it is all just a myth and the gem is not buried here, mused Sherlock.

“Sherlock, how’s the research coming along?” came a friendly recognizable female voice from behind Sherlock. Sherlock nearly jumped out of his chair upon hearing his name being called. He turned around to see Shauna standing behind him, eager to hear what the young lecturer had to say.

“Shauna, you scared me,” said Sherlock as he placed his right hand over his fast beating heart.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” apologized Shauna as she sat down next to Sherlock. “So found anything yet?” asked Shauna.

Sherlock let out a sigh of defeat as he shook his head. “No, I haven’t found anything yet. I’ll probably do one more before calling it a day.” Sherlock looked at the pile of maps that he had not inspected yet and decided to choose an old looking map which sides were slightly tattered and torn.

“Interesting, this map does not have any sort of initials on who made it,” said Sherlock to Shauna who was also looking at the map. The map that Sherlock had chose to inspect last was old, it was missing most points of interest that even 18th century Cambroxzen already had. Sherlock took out his chestnut wand and used the revealing charm on the map by tapping on it. A whitish ripple emanated from the center of the map where Sherlock’s wand made contact with the map. The ripple spread all across the map and soon revealed a red dot, a red dot which hovered over the Enchanted Forest which was located west on the island Cambroxzen was situated on.

“That might be something right there. We should check it out.” said Shauna with a hint of excitement in her voice as she pointed to the red dot on the map.

“We should definitely check it out,” said Sherlock, supporting Shauna. “How about this weekend?”

“Deal,” said Shauna with a look of excitement on her face. 


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463 Reviews


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Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:18 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Read the previous reviews. It's awesome that you have such loyal followers!

Just a real quick mention. The existence of the restricted section is enough to evoke HP, renaming it isn't going to do enough. Really, as long as you have a boarding school for mythical creatures, this is going to make people think of HP. Like I said two chapters ago, I don't care either way, but I don't want you to think that you can get rid of the resemblance with a few name changes.

queried the curious young librarian

Were you... trying to avoid using the word asked, perhaps? While I appreciate your attempt to do away with repetition, it shouldn't be obvious that you've got a thesaurus beside you.

A Few Nitpick-y Questions
How many keys do they have to the restricted section? Three people are down there. Charles was down there before Sherlock, but there was a key for Sherlock and the door was locked? How did Shauna get down there?

If there's a "revealing" spell would something so important not be spelled to not reveal itself when a revealing spell is placed? That seemed really convenient and easy for a gem that gives immortality.

Why did Sherlock go looking for the gem in the first place? Christopher didn't ask him to, and it doesn't really seem to be any of his business.

Did no one think: maybe we should tell the law enforcement about this because they're looking for it anyway?

The library was huge, the size of it still captivated Sherlock, just like it did when he first stepped foot into it thirteen years ago.

Feeling and background related to setting! This is exciting. I've just become a little more attached to Sherlock and the library. I'm really impressed with all of the improvement you've made with four short chapters. The grace with which you have taken the criticism in the reviews is admirable.

I'll come back to your novel tomorrow! My hope is that I'll cover four a day until I'm caught up.
See ya,
Megs~




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Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:20 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



Well hello!

Long time no see, and I'm so very sorry about that. Life has been oh so hectic, so I'm using the little time I have to try and get this review done! I swear to you I'll get caught up someday soon with all the chapters!

Just to Review:

Here's what I told you to work on so far throughout reviewing your chapters!

Spoiler! :
cutting out extra information
repetition
sentence flow
your writing was plain
being more clear on what's happening.
setting.
adding more history/background/development
REPETITION
more character complexity
boring descriptions
being more clear what character you are writing as
not making this a remake of Harry Potter


So, yeah, let's jump in it :-)


The library was huge, the size of it still captivated Sherlock, just like it did when he first stepped foot into it thirteen years ago.


I think you should change it to: "The enormous size of the library still captivated Sherlock, just like it did when he first stepped into it thirteen years ago.

I like this better because the flow just works way better! Just make sure when you are writing you read it out loud to someone, and then have someone read it out loud to you :-)

The Grand Library occupied three of the eight floors of medieval castle it was in.


So, this is worded weird. try: "The Grand Library occupied three out of eight floors of the medieval castle it was in."

again, it flows better.

...books covering various different subject matters, from charms to potion brewing to transmutation and to care for magical plants.


this is very awkward. I was going to try and add commas but honestly I don't even think that will work. You should make it: "...books covering various different subject matters such as charms, potion brewing, transmutation, and care for magical plants."

The afternoon sunlight floated in to the grand library through the many large windows it had.


This is very random, and I feel like it should've been put somewhere in the beginning of your paragraph, not tacked on the end. It just leaves an awkward description where as it could be a good description if mentioned while you where describing how big the library was or something, since it's more general than describing the books and the book topics, since once you got to those specifics, it made the last sentence seem awkwardly general. I hope that makes sense xD

As soon as Sherlock entered the Grand Library,


wasn't he already in the library?

Since classes were still on for the day, the library was devoid of students.


I love your word choice on the second half, but the first half could be better in this sentence. try: "Since school had not yet been let out for the day, the library was devoid of students."

It's more concise.

...librarian Jocasta Hollingsworth-who was a friend of Sherlock from their days of going to Cambroxzen together.


grammar mistake: "...librarian Jocasta Hollingsworth--a friend of Sherlock from their days of going to Cambroxzen together."

because with the "--" in there, the "who was" is implied. if you changed the "--" to a comma, then you could keep the "who was", like this: "...librarian Jocasta Hollingsworth, who was a friend of Sherlock from their days of going to Cambroxzen together, had a slim figure and was a bit on the shorter side, her long dark brown hair was tied into a high ponytail."

which brings me to my next point:

had a slim figure and was a bit on the shorter side, her long dark brown hair was tied into a high ponytail.


this is an awkward way to begin describing her according to the last sentence. Tell me where and how she was sitting, or share a memory about how you met her or something, and then describe to me what she looks like. sentence flow my friend, sentence flow.

complemented


*complimented

“Thanks for the complement, Jocasta,” thanked Sherlock.


you say thanked twice, try: "'Thanks for the compliment, Jocasta,' he nodded towards her."

have you heard of pronouns? he, she, her, him, I, me, we, us, you, it, they, and them. If you have, you need to USE THEM. it seems like a completely foreign thing to you in this novel. You do not, i repeat, YOU DO NOT need to say "Sherlock" every time you're talking about Sherlock! It's tiring for the reader to read over and over and over again!

“Need me to extend the loan period for Magical Artefacts of Asia and Howard Cartright: Unearthing Tukhathazun ?


punctuation, just make sure when you're reading through you look and see that all the right things are capitalized and punctuated correctly,

"'Do you need me to extend the loan period for "Magical Artifacts of Asia" and "Howard Cartright: Unearthing Tukhathazen?'"


basically, I added "Do you" and put quotation marks around the titles of the books, deleted the space between the last word and the question mark, and added a quotation mark on the end.

just going to emphasize: PRONOUNS ARE he, she, her, him, I, me, we, us, you, it, they, and them. USE THEM. You do not, i repeat, YOU DO NOT need to say "Sherlock" every time you're talking about Sherlock or "Jocasta" every time you're talking about Jocasta! It's tiring for the reader to read over and over and over again.


"restricted section" - again, Harry Potter. try: prohibited section. It doesn't scream Harry Potter like "restricted section" does.

...answered Sherlock giving no more information than that.


"...answered Sherlock, giving no more information than that."

or even better:

"...he answered, not letting her have any more information than that."


pronouns ;-)

...unlocking the lock of the drawer in which the key to the restricted area was kept in.


"...unlocking the drawer in which the key collected dust."

Jocasta pulled open the drawer and proceeded to take out a gold key that was intricately made, which she subsequently handed over to Sherlock.


So, "unlocking the drawer" in the previous sentence made me think the drawer was already opened when she did this. Cut out "Jocasta pulled open the drawer and proceeded to take out a..."

just say: "The gold key was intricately made, little carvings engraved on the sides of it. She subsequently handed the key to him, and he could see that she was still unsure of what he was up to."

more pronouns yay!

“You too Sherlock,” replied Jocasta with a warm smile from behind the large oak main desk. “Hope you can find what you’re looking for down there.”


"warm" doesn't quite fit here, try "wary".

Sherlock left the main desk of the Grand Library and took a right to where the door to the restricted section was located at. Sherlock walked pass a row of large oak bookshelves which flanked him on both sides before reaching his destination. As soon as Sherlock reached the door that led to restricted section, he reached into his coat’s inner pocket and took out the gold key that would give him access to the lower level.


repetition. You literally say the same exact thing twice. Also, just cut out the first bolded part above. so:

"...and took a right. He walked pass a row..."

Although you said Sherlock two too many times, YOU USED PRONOUNS. "...he reached into his coat's inner pocket and took out the gold key that would give him access to the lower level."

I'm very proud :-)

Okay, I just want to praise you on the interaction between Charles and Sherlock! You found MANY different ways of saying "Charles" and "Sherlock". Sometimes, it was a little much, but it's better than just repeating "Sherlock" over and over! :-) Good job on that!

My one question though, would you say "Charles" in every single thing you say? Just because you're talking to a person, doesn't mean you have to say his name every time you speak to him. If you were speaking to someone specific in a crowd (audience) you might say their name. but not when there's only one person around.

this sounds so...fake almost. Like the way they act. It's almost as if they're sixth graders acting in their first play. Make their actions more normal and easy going.

I'm telling you, this story has promise, you just gotta work on on the technical aspects of your writing. If you polished it up, it'd be a really cool story!

I hope I helped ~

-Del




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Sat Aug 15, 2015 5:04 am
hermione315 wrote a review...



Hello Yizhongt! Sorry it took me so long to get you a review on this piece. I went away to summer camp and when I got home I simply forgot. You did a great job using more descriptive words in your writing. There were some parts with excellent imagery. Occasionally it felt like you were still telling the reader too much information through info dumps, but overall, you have improved in this chapter. Anyways, I’m going to break up the rest of this review into grammar/mechanics and content.
Grammar/Mechanics:

The library was huge, the size of it still captivated Sherlock, just like it did when he first stepped foot into it thirteen years ago.

This sentence contains a comma splice. You should either break it into two sentences or use a semi-colon (“The library was huge; its size still captivated Sherlock…”).
It’s great that you use good, descriptive adjectives in your sentences, but sometimes in gets to be too much.
“Sherlock, how’s the research coming along?” came a friendly recognizable female voice from behind Sherlock.

There are way too many adjectives here. In this case, it gives away too soon the mystery of who this voice is. When you say female, my mind automatically jumped to Shauna. I would suggest editing this sentence to say, “…came a familiar voice from behind.”
The afternoon sunlight floated in to the grand library through the many large windows it had.

‘In to’ should be ‘into’ and the wording of this sentence is a bit funny. It uses too many words. A good general rule in writing is to cut every unnecessary word. It will make your writing sound clearer and easier to understand. Here, instead of saying ‘through the many large windows it had’, you could say ‘through its many large windows’. This may sound like an insignificant, nitpicky matter, but sometimes it’s the little things that make a difference in your writing. Cutting unneeded words, whether they be a few in the middle of a sentence or entire paragraphs, will infinitely improve how your writing is perceived. It’s sort of like getting rid of the rubble so the diamonds can shine more brightly (if you want to look at it that way). Here is another place you can do this:
“Nice outfit you’re wearing today Sherlock,” complemented a smiling Jocasta on Sherlock’s choice of clothes for the day, which was a dark brown wool sport coat worn over a light brown coloured sweater along with a pair of black pants.

Now, here is what this sentence would look like corrected and with the unnecessary words taken out: “Nice outfit,” complemented a smiling Jocasta on Sherlock’s choice of clothes for the day, which included a trendy wool sports coat worn over a beige sweater along with a black pair of pants. Overall, doesn’t it read more natural to you? It does to me. I also played around a bit with the wording, liking switching out light brown for a more specific word (beige), and that is something you can undo if you wish. Even though there are several other places, here is the last place I’m going to show you where I think you should delete words to improve your writing:
Sherlock smiled in return. “Thanks for the complement, Jocasta,” thanked Sherlock.

This sentence is full of redundancy, and it stretches out something that should be a quick and friendly exchange. You have stated the Sherlock and Jocasta are friends, so it is unnecessary that they formally address each other by their first names every time they speak to each other. Every once in a while that’s okay, but when it’s done in repetition, it begins to make your dialogue sound fake. I would suggest deleting every word in this sentence after the word thanks.
Content:
You have a great, engaging story line in this chapter, it’s mainly your delivery through wording and mechanics that needs a little work. I really don’t have much constructive criticism to give you in this category, only praise. You ended this chapter well with suspense. I can’t wait to find out what happens on the weekend with Shauna and Sherlock in the Enchanted Forest. I’ll have to read the fourth chapter! Good job on how you’ve progressed in this story by keeping the plot interesting! Keep writing, and I’ll try to catch up on reading what you’ve wrote! :)




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Tue Jul 14, 2015 3:49 pm
hunith wrote a review...



Hello Yizhongt, Hunith here.

Umm, i must say you have improved since the last chapter and that's great
I really enjoyed this episode.

You truly have improved with your narration, however you still need to work a little
on not overusing a word. try to mix your writing with pronouns and synonyms.

One thing i didn't understand was this:
How did Charles get inside the restricted section, when Sherlock was the one holding the keys.
I mean, how could he be there when the one with the key just entered.
How many keys are there to the restricted area?

Anyway i think you've done great.

will be expecting more from your next chapter. keep writing.

------signing out--------
PS: sorry for the late review.

Hunith~




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the feedback. On the issue of the keys to the restricted section, there is more than one key. I'll be uploading the next chapter hopefully by the weekend. I'll let you know



yizhongt says...


Hey Hunith, I've uploaded Chapter 4. Would be nice if you could give a review if time permits. Thanks in advance.


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hunith says...


alright. will do



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Thu Jul 09, 2015 7:14 pm
LordofLit101 wrote a review...



Hi Yizhongt, as I promised, I'm here for a review on this again really enticing piece!

Yet another great installment to your story, I am again captured in trying to piece together the storyline. Your descriptive skills have improved even more, which is brilliant! You should use a little bit more imagery in order to truly captivate your readers, but so far, great job with your descriptive skills!

There's a couple of mistakes in this piece though, but they are minor and shouldn't take too long to clear up:

'Ask a way' the two words 'a' and 'way' should be brought together so it then reads 'Ask away'.

'first year student' as you are talking about multiple students, then this word must be in its plural form 'students'.

'Sherlock closed the door behind' seeing as you're talking of prepositions, you should add 'him' to the end of this phrase.

Other than these minor mistakes, you've done a really good job with describing and setting the scene, so good job! I'm also intrigued as to what will happen in the forest, which I am excited about.

Like last time, good job and keep this up!

LordofLit101




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I have made the changes. I'll be uploading the next chapter hopefully by the weekend. I'll let you know



yizhongt says...


Hey LordofLit, I've uploaded Chapter 4. Would be nice if you could give a review if time permits. Thanks in advance. And when's the next instalment of your novel coming out?



LordofLit101 says...


Ok, I'll get right on it. I've hit a bit of a brick wall a quarter of the way through writing Chapter 10, but Chapter 9 will be up asap ;)




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro