Chalice of Life: Chapter 5

by yizhongt

Published July 25, 2015

12+

In Untitled Fantasy Story

The sun was about to rise when Sherlock had gotten up. He was excited to discover the secret spot he and Shauna had uncovered from the ancient map they had studied. Imagine if that’s the spot where the Gem of Immortality is hidden, just imagine. It will be the greatest artefact discovery in recent history, thought Sherlock wishfully to himself as he took a sip out of his daily cup of tea he had prepared while admiring the view of the Crystal Lake from his room. Sherlock’s room was tastefully decorated, there was a solid oak study desk that had piles of papers and books on it as well as his laptop, two large oak bookshelves that had even more books, crimson curtains, and pictures of himself with his paternal and maternal side of the family which hung on the wall.

Sherlock finished up his cup of tea before putting on his dark brown hiking shoes. He had traded his sport coat and wool vest for warm and comfortable hiking gear. The young wizard had also traded his brown leather messenger bag with a brown backpack. He looked at his watch. It was almost 8 o’clock, the time in which he and Shauna had decided to meet at Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance.

Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance as the name implied was indeed grand. The door of the Grand Entrance was huge and was made of fine solid oak and contained carvings of ancient runic symbols on it. A massive and beautifully intricately made chandelier hung on the ceiling, illuminating the hall during the night and on those dark winter days. Statues of Cambroxzen’s founders stood majestically on both sides of the hall.

Sherlock had beaten Shauna to the Grand Entrance, something that did not surprise him at all. He knew his friend had trouble waking up early in the mornings, especially if it was on the weekends. Sherlock heard the sound of footsteps descending from the Grand Staircase, he looked up to see whether it was Shauna, only to be surprised by two familiar and identical faces, the Otterey twins.

“Francis, Gideon, what are you both doing up so early?” asked Sherlock to the twins who were still walking down the stairs. The twins were from the Otterey family which was well liked and in some cases beloved in the magical community because of their ancestor’s contribution in ensuring equal rights for all sentient magical races. It was their ancestor in the 18th century who championed that the world should not only be governed by humans, but by other sentient magical creatures as well, as it was as much their world as it was the human’s. Sherlock had gotten to know the twins and the rest of the family quite well through the twin’s eldest brother, Cedric, who was a classmate, friend and fellow Staggeron house member to Sherlock while the two attended Cambroxzen. Sherlock and Cedric were both good friends while in school and both still keep in close contact with one another.

“Sherlock, what a surprise to…,” the twin to the left nudged his brother on the right who was talking before whispering something to him. “I mean, Mister Tan, what a surprise meeting you here,” corrected the twin on the right.

“No need for the formalities Francis. It’s the weekend and classes are not in session,” said Sherlock warmly to the younger twin. The Otterey twins were both tall and lanky, and had strawberry blonde hair and green eyes like their siblings and parents. In terms of looks and mannerism, the twins were nearly identical, the only way to actually distinguish between the two twins physically was a thin and short horizontal cut that Gideon has on his chin which he got from a childhood injury.

“See, Sherlock doesn’t mind us calling him by his first name,” said Francis to Gideon as he nudged his brother gently with a playful grin on his face.

“I know he doesn’t mind, and I would be calling him by his first name as well,” remarked Gideon, “but we’re still within the confines of Cambroxzen and it is best to refer to him formally until we are at least away from the castle lest other people catch us calling him in such an informal manner.”

“Well I’ll still be calling him by his first name, since it’s the weekend, classes are not in session, and there is no one here to catch me,” said Francis with a smile on his face. Gideon just shrugged upon hearing Francis’ statement.

“So why are you two boys up so early?” asked Sherlock again

“We’re taking Rupert and Gwyneth to the crystal lake to fish and swim,” answered Gideon. “We want to take them out of the castle, a change of scenery for them. All study and no adventure makes a young witch or wizard dull” Both Gideon and Francis were born outdoorsmen, both have gotten into trouble a couple of times with groundskeeper MacMohan when they were younger for exploring places they were not allowed to enter or go to, but the previous headmaster would normally let them go, much to the annoyance of groundskeeper MacMohan.What was more infuriating to the groundskeeper was that the previous headmaster had made them prefects in their fifth year.  It is said, that no student knows Cambroxzen castle and its grounds as well as the duo.

“I see,” said Sherlock as he stroked his somewhat sharp and clean shaven chin. Sherlock’s dark brown eyes shifted slightly to the right, as if he was recalling something. “Wait, don’t you both have a charms exam on Monday?”

“How do you know about that? Spying on us for our mum are we?” asked Francis as he raised his eyebrow comically.

Gideon shook his head. “His brother and cousins are in our class Francis,” reminded Gideon to Francis who had seem to have forgotten that fact. “Remember? Matthias, Joseph and Joanna?”

Francis laughed, “I know that, Gideon. I’m not that forgetful,” replied Francis. “Just wanted to see his reaction, maybe he is actually spying for mum.” Sherlock laughed upon hearing what Francis said. Francis however was not that far from the truth as Sherlock was actually asked by the twin’s mum to keep any eye on the two as well as Gwyneth and Rupert, and to make sure they were safe. It was a request that Sherlock more than happily accepted.

“All prepared for it then?” queried Sherlock.

“For the most part,” answered Francis as he looked over to Gideon.

“We’ve been practicing and studying the entire week,” added Gideon.

“Very good. I heard from my brother that Professor Warwick will be examining you on a couple of advance level spells in preparation for your Advanced Wizarding Exam.”

“That’s right,” said Gideon and Francis in unison. The twins were both in their seventh year in Cambroxzen, which meant that they only had one more year of schooling after this before having to take the Advanced Wizarding Exam at the end of their eight year.

“By the way, if you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing up so early as well?” queried Gideon to Sherlock.

“I’m going for a hike in the Enchanted Forest with Miss Li,” answered Sherlock.

Both Gideon and Francis looked at each other with a grin on their face. “Going on a date, are we?” asked Francis with a grin still plastered on his face.

“A walk in the forest is definitely a romantic choice for a date,” added Gideon who also had a grin on his face.

“It’s strictly platonic, you two,” answered Sherlock to the twins who still had large grins on their face.

The sound of footsteps quickly coming down the Grand Staircase caught the attention of the three. All three looked up to see a boy and a girl, both with strawberry blonde hair running down the stairs. Both were panting when they reached the base of the staircase.

“Gwyneth, Rupert, you’re late,” said Francis to his two younger sibling as he tapped his watch.

“Well someone took her own merry sweet time getting ready,” said Rupert to his older brother as he pointed to Gwyneth, in between breathes. Rupert was in his second year in Cambroxzen. Like the rest of his siblings, he was a member of house Staggeron.

“Well I wanted to look neat and proper, unlike someone” said Gwyneth defending herself and at the same time pointing out Rupert’s messy hair. Gwyneth’s long strawberry blonde hair was tied in the style of a ponytail. She had a maroon coloured hair clip in a shape of a bow to keep her fringe in place. She was currently in her fourth year in Cambroxzen and was due to take her General Wizarding/Witch Grade Exam at the end of term.

“Now Gwyneth, Rupert is right,” voiced Francis warmly to his younger sister, “if you need more time to get ready, then you should get up earlier or at least tell the person that is waiting for you that you’ll be late. It’s not good to keep people waiting. Would you like it if someone kept you waiting?”

“No, I would not,” answered Gwyneth. Francis smiled at his sister before tapping her head gently, much to her annoyance by the look on her face.

“As for you Rupert, you can’t be going out with hair this messy,” said Gideon to his younger brother as he used a comb he conjured to comb his brother’s hair, “you wouldn’t be able to attract any girls with hair like this. Plus mum would be livid if she saw you like this”

Sherlock smiled as he saw the interactions between the Otterey siblings. It reminded him of his younger days with his own two brothers and cousins. Although his youngest brother and his two maternal cousins were here in Cambroxzen with him, he still missed the rest of his family which were back in Malaysia, and longed to see them during the summer break.

“Alright, I think we best be getting on our way,” announced Gideon to Sherlock, whose announcement jolted Sherlock back to reality from his reminiscing.

“Have fun you all,” said Sherlock with a warm smile, “and do be careful. I would not want to send a letter to your mum about anyone of you getting injured.”

“Don’t worry, we will be careful,” assured Francis with a smile as he placed each hand on Gwyneth’s and Rupert’s shoulder respectively. “Won’t we?” Both Gwyneth and Rupert nodded their heads, agreeing with their older brother. The Otterey siblings wished Sherlock goodbye and made their way to the Grand Entrance Hall’s exit and to the path that would take them to the Crystal Lake, but before they had even exited the hall, Gideon doubled back towards Sherlock. Leaving his three siblings confused.

“What’s the matter Gideon?” asked Sherlock with a confused look on his face. A look which he shared with Gideon’s siblings.

Gideon reached for something in his back pouch, which he had with him all the time. He pulled out a black spherical ball the size of a golf ball from it and presented it to Sherlock. “I caught a student who broke curfew in possession of this last night,” said Gideon to Sherlock, “I was supposed to give it to discipline master Thatchridge last night after my rounds, but I could not find her. Do you mind if I give it to you instead?”

“Not at all,” replied Sherlock as he took the black spherical object from Gideon. It was cold to the touch and there was a line that ran horizontally across it. “What is it?” asked Sherlock as he studied the object more closely.

“It’s a distractionator,” answered Gideon.

“A distractionator?” said Sherlock as he arched his eye brows. “I’ve never heard of it. What does it do?”

“Well as the name implies, the distractinator is supposed to, well, distract a person or persons. Normally with a loud noise or sounds when used,” replied Gideon. Besides being an outdoorsman, Gideon was also quite familiar with all sorts of different magical items. In fact he and Francis had created one or two ingenious items of their own.

“How do you make it work?” asked Sherlock who wanted to know more about the item he was holding.

“You twist the sphere either clockwise or counter clockwise. The sphere will then open, and few seconds later it will start producing a loud noise,” explained Gideon like how a teacher would to a student. “Normally I find this in the hands of students trying to distract us prefects so that they can slip pass us.”

How do kids even get something like this onto the academy’s ground? mused Sherlock to himself before keeping the black spherical object in his brown hiking jacket’s inner pocket. “I’ll make sure this gets to Professor Thatchridge. And think you better get going Gideon. Your siblings are starting to look a bit restless,” said Sherlock

“Gideon, hurry up. We’re losing daylight,” said Francis as he gestured hastily to Gideon to come over and to make a move.

Gideon thanked Sherlock before he made his way back to back to his siblings to continue their journey. Sherlock was now left alone, waiting for Shauna.

About five minutes after the Otterey siblings had left, the sound of hurried footsteps coming down the Grand Staircase could be heard. Sherlock looked up to see Shauna hurrying down the stairs. Her medium length brown hair was not braided like usual, instead it was let down. She was wearing a stylish black leather jacket which was worn over a dark blue t-shirt which had the album cover art of the boyband Plummeting Lads. She was also wearing knee length brown pants and a nice stylish pair of black hiking boots.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” apologised Shauna profusely to Sherlock.

“Did you oversleep?” asked Sherlock, probably already knowing the answer to his own question.

A sheepish smile formed on Shauna’s face. “Yes,” she said still smiling sheepishly.

“I knew it,” said Sherlock with a knowing smile. “Anyways, let’s get going. We’ve got some exploring to do and we won’t make any progress by just standing here.”

“Lead the way,” said Shauna, gesturing towards the exit. With that, both Sherlock and Shauna made their way to the exit of the Grand Entrance Hall and started their journey to the Enchanted Forest.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Dec 10, 2015

Okeydoke~
What a cute little family you have there. I like their interactions. I can relate as an older sister xD

I have to agree with some of your other reviewers, what was the point of this chapter? It was so dialogue heavy, and they're just standing in one place. I think the distractinator (which... really? Surely you've got a better name than that) will prove to be important later on, but you could have a short conversation with the Otterey family minus all of the family history that I don't care about. Maybe mention Sherlock's brother so we know he has one, and have the distractinator exchange hands. Take a max of three paragraphs, move on to some action. I'm so excited for the Enchanted Forest because Sherlock's plot line might actually see something exciting soon.

You start out in Sherlock's bedroom. What an opportunity! A bedroom tells us a lot about a person. We could have gotten so much characterization from this room and instead we get a dry description. Okay, we know what it looks like, but what does that mean in relation to Sherlock? Because Sherlock's what we care about, not the room.

That's all I got for this review. Though I still feel like I know next to nothing about Sherlock, I'm glad that I'm getting some characterization of Shauna and the Otterey kids.
Onto chapter 6~

User avatar
elysian
Review
elysian wrote a review Review · Nov 18, 2015

*slowly emerges from the depths of life* hello, long time, no review? haha, sorry about that. life has been nonstop and continues to be, but I've finally gotten around to some free time (very little) to at least start this review, and hopefully finish it!

Just to Review:

Spoiler
cutting out extra information
repetition
sentence flow
your writing was plain
being more clear on what's happening.
setting.
adding more history/background/development
REPETITION
more character complexity
boring descriptions
being more clear what character you are writing as
not making this a remake of Harry Potter
pronouns
pRONOUNS
PRONOUNS
make scenes more clear
make it obvious where we are (setting) was in the story
Silenus and Sherlock = how are they related?
your story is too Harry Potter - find originality!
make the magic more magical and interesting
be more concise, too wordy in some places


let's jump into it ~

wait.

He had traded his sport coat and wool vest for warm and comfortable hiking gear.


did you say...HE ???

so proud <3

Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance as the name implied was indeed grand. The door of the Grand Entrance was huge and was made of fine solid oak and contained carvings of ancient runic symbols on it. A massive and beautifully intricately made chandelier hung on the ceiling, illuminating the hall during the night and on those dark winter days. Statues of Cambroxzen’s founders stood majestically on both sides of the hall.


I love your descriptions of this place! The last sentence is a bit awkward, I wish you would continue even deeper to describing the statues just so the sentence doesn't seem so out of place and short.

“Francis, Gideon, what are you both doing up so early?” asked Sherlock to the twins who were still walking down the stairs.


*he asked the twins, who were still coming down the staircase.

Sherlock and Cedric were both good friends while in school and both still keep in close contact with one another.


instead of flat out telling me this, try to give me the information in a different, unique way. Maybe look back on a recent memory, or something like that.

All study and no adventure makes a young witch or wizard dull”


*witch or wizard dull,"

What was more infuriating to the groundskeeper was that the previous headmaster had made them prefects in their fifth year.


wait, what? xD I have no idea what you mean here, it's very confusing...reword please.

“Remember? Matthias, Joseph and Joanna?”


*"Remember? Matthias, Joseph, and Joanna?"

“Very good. I heard from my brother that Professor Warwick will be examining you on a couple of advance level spells in preparation for your Advanced Wizarding Exam.”


wait, he has a brother?

house Staggeron


house Staggeron
house Staggero
house Stagger
house Stagge
house Stag
house Sta
house St
house S
house Sl
house Sly
house Slyt
house Slyth
house Slythe
house Slyther
house Slytheri
house Slytherin


hmmmm.

HARRY POTTER

So, this distracter thing. Wouldn't it be soooo much cooler if it put people in a trance that's around them, or make the person hallucinate that somethings going on? A loud noise is really not that interesting or cool, and wouldn't teachers know what it sounded like? Wouldn't the sound follow the person that has it?

Sooooo, I'm gonna agree with tigeraye on that this chapter is rather boring. But, I also find it necessary. There wasn't as many mistakes as I have mentioned in the previous chapters, so that's good. Just consider what I've said, and I'll hopefully be back soon to review the next chapter!

-Del

User avatar
tigeraye
Review
tigeraye wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2015

Hi again!

I'll be blunt about it - I found this chapter rather boring. What I got from it was Silenus and the other guy were headed to the forest to find the artifact, an so were Sherlock and Shauna. The flow was interrupted quite a bit by the introduction of a few characters, as well as tons of description. If they're important, it makes sense to let us know about them, but it's still early in the novel. I just don't know why I'm supposed to care for them yet, and it's not well written enough to compensate for the pace drop.

It did pick up towards the end with the introduction of the "distractionator." This review ended up being short because I'm trying to read to the end by today :p

Random avatar
hunith
Review
hunith wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2015

Hi, Hunith here finally.

Lets Get Down To Business.

The sun was about to rise when Sherlock had gotten up. He was excited to discover the secret spot he and Shauna had uncovered from the ancient map they had studied. Imagine if that’s the spot where the Gem of Immortality is hidden, just imagine. It will be the greatest artefact discovery in recent history, thought Sherlock wishfully to himself as he took a sip out of his daily cup of tea he had prepared while admiring the view of the Crystal Lake from his room. Sherlock’s room was tastefully decorated, there was a solid oak study desk that had piles of papers and books on it as well as Sherlock’s laptop, two large oak bookshelves that had even more books, crimson curtains, and pictures of Sherlock with his paternal and maternal side of the family which hung on the wall.


You should really learn to use pronouns in your writing; otherwise it becomes repetitive and annoying. As you can see above there's a total of five use of the name sherlock, when it could simply have been Him or his or he.

There's even more of that in the other paragraphs. Look:

Sherlock finished up his cup of tea before putting on his dark brown hiking shoes. Sherlock had traded his sport coat and wool vest for warm and comfortable hiking gear. The young wizard had also traded his brown leather messenger bag with a brown backpack. Sherlock looked at his watch. It was almost 8 o’clock, the time in which Sherlock and Shauna had decided to meet at Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance.


Now, i'm not saying all of them were unnecessary. However i'm pointing out to you, how many times the reader has to come across the name Sherlock in your writing. which a bit troubling. There's still more, but i take it you get what i'm pointing out.

It was their great-great-great grandfather in the 18th century who championed that the world should not only be governed by humans, but by other sentient magical creatures as well, as it was as much their world as it was the human’s


Here i think instead of (great-great-great) which seemed rather endless, you could have simply made it, Ancestor.
now, choice of words, are very important. and the right combinations are crucial to make a very good story. I suggest you vary your vocabulary reasonably to make your story superb. Because i noticed and have noticed also from previous chapters; you have trouble with vocabulary in 'some way'. This is just what I've observed. I may be wrong.

The rest are just little missing commas and dots and stuff we've already talked about. I'll leave that to you.

Apart from that, I think, the story is progressing nicely.
One more thing. Your conversation is good, make it better. waiting for chapter 6

ok, here's where i step off.

------signing out------

PS: lemme know if you have any issue.

~Hunith~

Thanks for reviewing hunith, really appreciate it. I'll make the needed changes. On another note, I've added a small little addition to the chapter. It starts off just as the Otterey sibling were about to leave. Tell me what you think about it if you have the time. Thanks !!

Hey hunith, Chapter 6 has been released. Would be nice if you can give some feedback if you have the time. Cheers !!

hunith replied · Jul 30, 2015

got it..

User avatar
LordofLit101
Review
LordofLit101 wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2015

Hey Yizhongt, LordofLit here for a review.

In this chapter you've sort of taken your foot off the pedal with the storyline a bit more and made it even more casual. A word of advice, implement something into the next chapter that is full of action, which will totally catch your readers off guard.

The whole casual atmosphere is good, your descriptions are pretty good, but I managed to spot the odd mistake here and there:

'Have fun you all' this doesn't really make any sense, and the word 'all' doesn't fit into this phrase. Instead try this; 'Have fun you guys'.

'we will be careful' for a teenager this is a bit too casual, try this instead; 'we'll be careful' that way the reader will find it more believable that the character talking is a teenager, due to the informal dialect.

But those were pretty much the only mistakes I could find. Another good chapter and never stop writing!

LordofLit101

Thanks for reviewing LordofLit, really appreciate it. I'll make the needed changes. On another note, I've added a small little addition to the chapter. It starts off just as the Otterey sibling were about to leave. Tell me what you think about it if you have the time. Thanks !!

Hey LordofLit, Chapter 6 has been released. Would be nice if you can give some feedback if you have the time. Cheers !!

User avatar
Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2015

The sun was only about to rise when Sherlock had gotten up.


You don't need the word "only". The meaning is still the same without it.

Imagine if that’s the spot where the Gem of Immortality is hidden, just imagine, it will be the greatest artefact discovery in recent history, thought Sherlock wishfully to himself as he took a sip out of his daily cup of tea he had prepared while admiring the view of the Crystal Lake from his room.


This sentence is too long to read. Why don't you break it? Instead of a comma, make a full-stop after "just imagine".

Sherlock looked at his watch, it was almost 8 o’clock, the time in which Sherlock and Shauna had decided to meet at Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance.


The first comma is unneeded and should be replaced with a full-stop. You need to appreciate the usefulness of a full-stop.

Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance as the name implies was indeed grand.


Here you missed some commas. "Cambroxzen's Grand Entrance, as the name implied, was indeed grand." Also, tense inconsistency has been fixed.

Cambroxzen’s Grand Entrance as the name implies was indeed grand. The door of the Grand Entrance was huge and was made of fine solid oak and contained carvings of ancient runic symbols on it. A massive and beautifully intricately made chandelier hung on the ceiling, illuminating the hall during the night and on those dark winter days. Statues of Cambroxzen’s founders stood majestically on both sides of the hall. To the left of the entrance to the Hall from the courtyard, stood the statue of Balthazar Battaroz and Fuschiana Foxzaria who were the founders of house Battaroz and Foxzaria respectively. To the right stood the statues of Sythara Staggeron and Owenth Owllaria who were the founders of house Staggeron and Owllaria respectively.


I understand the need to describe the setting but this looks like an info dump to me. I don't need for all of these, two sentences to describe setting is fine as you can continue describing it gradually as the stories goes.

“Going on a date are we?”


Put a comma before "are".

“It’s strictly platonic you two,” answered Sherlock to the twins who still had large grins on their face.


You need to appreciate the usefulness of a comma. Put one before "you". Also, you have a tendency to make inverse paragraphs.

All three looked up to see a boy and a girl, both with strawberry blonde hair ruunimg down the stairs.


Typo. "...ruunimg..." should be "...running...".

Although his youngest brother and his two maternal cousins were here in Cambroxzen with him, he still missed the rest of his family which were back in Malaysia, and longed to see them during the summer break.


I see my country there! :D

Anyway, after reading this, I notice you should put some purpose in the chapter. How does this affect the storyline? How does this contribute to it? In my opinion, I can skip this one and read the next to find out what's going on because honestly, not much happened here. If you want to show Sherlock waiting Shauna, a simple one or two paragraphs would suffice, actually. The Ottereys can be introduced later as the time and story calls for it. There's no need to introduce them now.

That is all. Keep up the good job! :)

Thanks for reviewing Labrador, really appreciate it. I'll make the needed changes. On another note, I've added a small little addition to the chapter. It starts off just as the Otterey sibling were about to leave. It adds a purpose to this chapter, though it won't be obvious till later. Tell me what you think about it if you have the time. Thanks !!



What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye