z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chalice of Life: Chapter 8

by yizhongt


“What have they done? ” muttered Alrick softly to himself as he saw a plume of thick black smoke rise from the Enchanted Forest. From his bedroom’s window he could see that senior groundskeeper MacMohan was about to enter the forest to probably find out the cause of the black smoke. 

More people will check begin checking out the forest to see what has happened. This could benefit me. If the groundskeepers or other staff begin scouring the forest, they might encounter Silenus, which could lead to his arrest. Perhaps Silenus’ or his associates’ stupidity will rid me of serving their master once and for all, thought Alrick to himself as he placed the most recent copy of the Journal of Experimental Potions Making which he was reading before the incident, on a drawer that was next to the window.

Alrick had thought of the possibility of Silenus ratting him out as the person who disabled the protective charms that protected the island, but he was not concerned as the academy staff will most certainly take his word over that of an intruder like Silenus, because they trusted him.

Alrick’s moment of hopefulness and optimism was interrupted when a red sphere of energy entered Alrick’s room through the walls of the castle’s exterior. Alrick reached for his wand, but it was not in his robe’s pocket. He then remembered that he had left it on the night stand next to his bed. A mistake that have cost many wizards and witches their lives in the past. The red sphere hovered in front of him before it spoke, “Alrick, come to the forest. Bring two healing draughts. My spirit force will guide you when you reach the forest”

Alrick recognised the voice being projected by the sphere of energy in front of him, it was Silenus. Alrick scoffed. Why should I help you? I should leave you to your fate in the forest. Then my family and I will be free from your master, said Alrick to himself

As though sensing Alrick’s reluctance or defiance, the orb of energy began to speak again. “If you do not come in an hour's time Alrick, your family will be the one paying the price.” With those last words, the orb of energy disappeared.

A scowl grew on Alrick’s face. He was forced into a position which he did not like; Silenus was holding his family as a collateral if he disobeyed. Alrick walked over to a simple wall mounted cabinet in his room which he kept a supply of various potions he had personally brewed for himself. He retrieved two healing draughts that were stored in it. He quickly put the two potions into his bag which also contained his potion making kit before retrieving his wand. He then exited his room and hastily made his way to the enchanted forest.

*************************************************

Sherlock, Shauna and the students who were with them were all exhausted from the walking and running they had done earlier on. The walk back to the castle was a silent one, with no one talking to each other. After what seemed like an endless amount of walking, perhaps due to the slow pace they were walking at, Sherlock could finally see the exit of the Enchanted Forest, and Groundskeeper Wilfred MacMohan walking briskly towards him and the group. MacMohan was wearing a functional green wind breaker on top of his green overalls as well as a pair of black Wellington boots.

“What happened in there?” asked MacMohan rather loudly with a thick Scottish accent. MacMohan has been one of Cambroxzen’s many groundskeepers for the longest time, and the stress of it could be clearly seen. He was balding, his formerly ginger coloured hair was almost all grey and his beard was greying as well.

Sherlock took a deep breath and exhaled before answering MacMohan’s question. “We were attacked,” answered Sherlock.

“Attacked? Attacked?” said MacMohan with disbelief.

“Yes, we were attacked,” said Shauna this time around with a slight hint of annoyance that only Sherlock had picked up.

“Attacked by what? The forest doesn’t have any dangerous creatures living in it,” stated MacMohan exasperated.

Sherlock ran his hand down his ash covered face. “We weren’t attack by a creature or creatures.”

“They might have well been,” remarked Shauna.

“Well then who or what attacked you then?” queried MacMohan.

“B-b-bad people,” answered Allana softly from where she stood, which was behind Shauna.

Sherlock could sense that MacMohan was going to ask him yet another question. “MacMohan can we continue this question time later?” asked Sherlock rhetorically before MacMohan had a chance to speak. “These kids have been through enough and I just want to take them back to the castle.” Plus I need to quickly inform the headmaster about what had just happened, and answering all your questions will probably take too much time. MacMohan reluctantly stepped aside and let the group pass him to head back to the castle.

“I wouldn’t recommend you going in there alone Wilfred,” advised Sherlock as he passed the senior groundskeeper. Wilfred gave him the stink eye before Sherlock walked passed him. Wilfred then turned his attention to the forest which he was most familiar with and had spent most his life taking care of, curious as to what had just transpired in it.

The afternoon sunlight crept into the waiting room of Cambroxzen’s hospital wing through the stained glass windows that lined the side of the waiting room. Sherlock paced back and forth, while Shauna sat down and relaxed on one of the many seats provided in the room. They both waited patiently for news on how their students were doing. The duo immediately brought their students to get checked up on by the academy’s medical staff as soon as they had returned to the castle. Sherlock took in a deep breath, the clean antiseptic smell of the hospital wing relaxed and calmed him for some odd reason. The large oak door to the children’s ward opened.

“How are they Madame Wade?” queried Sherlock to Cambroxzen’s head matron who had just exited the children’s ward where Allana, Carina, Elliot, Andrew and Melville were being checked-up in.

Madame Wade inhaled deeply, “Physically they’re fine, just a few cuts here and there, but they're pretty shook up. Especially the two girls and Elliot. I had to give them a calming lozenge each to stop them from shaking,” answered the senior matron.

Sherlock let out a sigh of relief.

“So will Dr. Heron be seeing them?” queried Shauna from where she was sitting.

“After going through an event like what they went through, I think they should,” answered Madame Wade as she nodded her head. “I’ve already called him and he’s on his way.”

“That’s good,” remarked Sherlock, “if anyone can heal someone’s mental injuries it would be him.” Madame Wade nodded in agreement with his statement. Dr. Heron was one of the premier psychologists in the world and also a former student of Cambroxzen.

Madame Wade looked at Sherlock and Shauna. “I think you two should be examined for injuries as well.”

Sherlock shook his head. “Another time Madame Wade. Right now, I need to inform the headmaster of this incident immediately. I’ll come back later for that check-up, I promise.”

“Same goes for me,” said Shauna as she leaped out of the seat she was sitting it.

Made Wade looked at Sherlock, then to Shauna. “I’ll hold you both to that promise,” said the senior matron as she wagged her finger.

Sherlock and Shauna then exited the hospital’s waiting room after wishing Madame Wade goodbye. The duo immediately made their way to the headmaster’s office to inform them of their encounter in the Enchanted Forest. Sherlock however had an inkling that the headmaster might already be aware of what had just transpired.

The headmaster’s office was located on the highest floor in the tallest tower of Cambroxzen castle. It was a large circular room which was elegantly decorated with antique mahogany furniture as well as crimson drapes, drapes which were drawn back to let in the warm sunlight. A giant antique chandelier hung from the ceiling of the office. Portraits of Cambroxzen’s former headmasters and headmistresses were hung on the wall, showcasing the many talented and brilliant wizards and witches who had become the head teacher of the academy over the years. The office also had many bookshelves holding many books on myriad subject matters. 

Both Sherlock and Shauna had taken a seat across Cambroxzen’s current headmaster, Ramsay Eden, his ornately carved antique desk separating them. The headmaster’s desk was surprisingly empty. On it was just a monthly planner which was unblemished by any wording what so ever, an ink bottle with a quill it, a stack of signed papers and today’s copy of The Wizarding Times. Eden’s empty desk was very different compared to Cambroxzen’s previous headmaster’s desk, which was filled with piles of academic books and journals.

“Let me get this straight, you were attacked, in the Enchanted Forest?” said Eden with a typical British accent as he leaned his large stocky frame slightly forward, resting his elbows on the antique desk. Headmaster Ramsay Eden was the newest addition to Cambroxzen’s staff, replacing the Academy’s previous headmaster. Sherlock as well as many of Cambroxzen’s staff were surprised that Eden was chosen to be headmaster over Cambroxzen’s long serving assistant headmistress. Athena McKendrick.

“Yes,” answered Sherlock. “By men wearing dark black robes as well as a dark silver coloured mask that obscured their faces.”

Eden’s wrinkled and bulldog like face grew pale as soon as he heard the description of the people who attacked Sherlock and Shauna as well as their students. Sherlock was curious as to why his description of their attackers had made the headmaster turn pale. It was as though Sherlock had brought to the surface a terrible memory of something the headmaster might have experienced. “Do you know what they are doing here? Or why they attacked you?” asked Eden who stammered as he spoke.

Sherlock and Shauna looked to one another. I guess we would have to come clean now, remarked Sherlock to himself. “They were searching for the Gem of Immortality,” answered Sherlock.

Eden arched his thick white eyebrows upwards. “The Gem of Immortality? What’s that?” asked Eden who still stammered, though he was trying to regain his speech’s composure.

Sherlock and Shauna’s eyes widened. Both Sherlock and Shauna was surprised that the headmaster of Cambroxzen did not know or even hear about the artefact. Then again, Eden was more of a bureaucrat than an academician and educator, unlike Cambroxzen’s former headmaster, Professor Jonathan Xavier.

“The Gem of Immortality is an ancient artefact that is said to be able to grant whoever holds onto it immortality,” said Sherlock in a lecturing tone. The very same tone he uses when he teaches. “Although the gem grants the holder immortality, it is said to only grant the user immortality in relations to time, but not against dying due to physical injuries. Unless it is merged with the Chalice of Life.”

“I see, I see,” said Eden who was looking down to his antique mahogany desk. To Sherlock, Eden appeared to be not paying attention to what he was saying, like some of his students in his class.

“So this gem is buried in Cambroxzen?” queried Eden who finally looked up to Sherlock and Shauna.

“Sherlock and I think so,” answered Shauna who had not spoken a word since the duo had entered Eden’s office. “We, I mean Sherlock, found an ancient map of Cambroxzen in the library which points out a spot in the Enchanted Forest that might be the place where the Gem is kept.”

“Have you informed the Ministry of Artefact Recovery of your discovery?” asked Eden as he leaned his stocky physique back onto his chair. He was still stammering, though not as badly as he was moments earlier.

“No,” answered Sherlock. “Shauna and I thought that we would check out the place first. To see whether the gem is really buried there. We don’t want to waste the Ministry’s time on what might be a false lead. They have other more important matters to attend to at the moment.” Sherlock was referring to the incident where someone broke into one of the deepest vaults of Eragash and stole the Chalice of Life. Every agent working for the ministry in Sherlock’s opinion must be working overtime to track down the artefact and who stole it, and would not be free to entertain a mere lead.

“I have to disagree with your assessment Mister Tan,” said Eden as he wagged his finger, the stammer he had before was gone. “Anything that has to do with the recovery of ancient artefacts must be relayed to the Ministry of Artefact Recovery immediately. Only they have the skills and abilities needed to counter the defences that might have been put in place to protect the artefact.”

“With all due respect sir, I think that Shelock and I are more than capable in countering any defences that we might come across,” commented Shauna. “Anyways, Sherlock would be more than capable in countering any defences we could come across. He worked as a curse-breaker for two years at the Merlin Institute before joining Cambroxzen.”

“Yes I know he worked as a curse-breaker for the Institute. I’ve gone through all your files when I first became headmaster,” said Eden with a hint of annoyance in his voice as he stood up slowly from his seat, “but Mister Tan does not have the stringent training that agents working for the Ministry has. Or their skills and abilities. I shall inform the Ministry, and we will wait for their agents before taking any further action.” Sherlock felt slightly hurt by the comment made by Eden, and preferred him with a stammer than without. It was true that he was not as skilful or refined as an agent who works for the Ministry, but his skills were adequate enough to work as a curse-breaker for the Institute, and that should carry some weight.

Getting an agent or agents from the Ministry to come to Cambroxzen will take time, with them being preoccupied with the Chalice. Time that will allow the people Shauna and I fought to find the gem, said Sherlock to himself. He knew that he and Shauna needed to return back into the forest and find the Gem before those people did. “Headmaster, we need to get back into the forest and find that gem. We cannot allow those people we encountered to find the gem.” said Sherlock. Shauna nodded in agreement with his suggestion.

“I don’t think it would be advisable for you both to do that.” commented Eden as looked out of the large hexagon window that was behind his desk that overlooked the Enchanted Forest and the Crystal Lake. “That’s why, I’m closing off the forest until agents from the Ministry arrive, for the safety of everyone. No one will be allowed to enter it.” Eden turned around to face Sherlock and Shauna. “I’ll also be posting groundskeepers at the entrances so that no one enters the forest. Anyone entering the forest, will be summarily punished. Be it student, or teacher.”

“Sir, doing that will give those people we fought free reign of the forest and bring them closer to finding the gem. We can’t allow that,” protested Shauna who almost stood up from her chair.

“I agree. At least send Professor Warrington and Charms Master Warwick to flush them out of the forest or catch them. Those men are a danger to the academy.” suggested Sherlock to Cambroxzen’s headmaster. Professor Warrington and Professor Warwick were the best duellers in Cambroxzen in Sherlock’s opinion. If anyone can defeat the two people he and Shauna fought, it would be them.

“I shall take your suggestion under consideration, Mister Tan. Now if you don’t mind, I have some work to do. Can you and Miss Li kindly show yourselves out of my office?” Eden said to the duo while waving for them to leave.

Sherlock looked to Shauna who had a confused look on her face. They both could not believe Eden’s course of action in response to the situation. Sherlock wanted to protest, but decided against it. It would only be a waste of time, because if what his father said was true, once Ramsay Eden makes a decision, he does not change his decision. No matter how wrong he might be. The last thing Sherlock saw before closing the large oak doors that lead to the headmaster’s office was Eden using a summoning charm to summon piles of paper onto his desk.Sherlock and Shauna left the headmaster’s office, both feeling a sense of defeat, as they could not return to the forest.

“So what do we do know?” asked Shauna to Sherlock as they waited for the lift that will take them down from the top floor of the tallest tower.

“Right now, we go and see Madame Wade. You know how she doesn’t like it when someone breaks a promise,” replied Sherlock as the lift arrived and its grille door sliopen. “After that, I’m not so sure.” The duo stepped into the lift and took it down, back to the main body of the castle.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
275 Reviews


Points: 15319
Reviews: 275

Donate
Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:23 pm
elysian wrote a review...



the other chapter you requested (sorry it's been so long, I've been taking a break from YWS because of life being too busy, but I have some time & motivation to do it today :p) ~

Just to Review:

Spoiler! :
cutting out extra information
repetition
sentence flow
your writing was plain
being more clear on what's happening.
setting.
adding more history/background/development
REPETITION
more character complexity
boring descriptions
being more clear what character you are writing as
not making this a remake of Harry Potter
pronouns
pRONOUNS
PRONOUNS
make scenes more clear
make it obvious where we are (setting) was in the story
Silenus and Sherlock = how are they related?
your story is too Harry Potter - find originality!
make the magic more magical and interesting
be more concise, too wordy in some places
show not tell
engage the reader more


I feel like my reviews keep getting shorter and shorter, so that's great! Let's get right into this ;p

So I went ahead and skimmed through the first couple reviews left for this work, and I see that you've edited according to what they said! Very good, I'm glad you're listening & taking advice :-)

More people will check begin checking out the forest to see what has happened.


what? this is confusing, I think you accidentally typed "check" in there, it happens to me too xD

[quote}This could benefit me. If the groundskeepers or other staff begin scouring the forest, they might encounter Silenus, which could lead to his arrest.[/quote]

So, this part seems choppy between these two sentences. Maybe make them one?
"If the groundskeepers or other staff begin scouring the forest, they might encounter Silenus, which could lead to his arrest; this could benefit me."

I'm still super confused on who is who and all these characters. Which by the 8th chapter, I definitely should not be confused by this. Maybe it's because I don't have real focus on any of the characters, I don't know a lot about any of them, I never really know who's the main character from chapter to chapter, and you just jump around a lot. Characterization is needed badly!

Perhaps Silenus’ or his associates’ stupidity will rid me of serving their master once and for all, thought Alrick to himself as he placed the most recent copy of the Journal of Experimental Potions Making which he was reading before the incident, on a drawer that was next to the window.


run-on sentence! This could be more concise. I feel like you're so worried about getting every little detail about the setting in that it drowns out everything important. When using imagery, there are certain boundaries on what is too little, and what is too much. Of course, every person has their different preferences, but if other people are mentioning this as a common theme with your writing, make sure you think about how much is too much and tone it down! Of course, you can't make everyone happy, but the goal is to please as many people as you can.

but he was not concerned as the academy staff will most certainly take his word over that of an intruder like Silenus, because they trusted him.


he's part of the school? what? xD I mean, I wouldn't have cared if you had mentioned this earlier, but any later would've been bad :p good timing on bringing this to our knowledge, and what an easy-going way to do it!

You're writing can be very boring. Now- don't take that the wrong way! You're a good writer, but you lack variation of sentence syntax. All your sentences are: Subject, Verb, Information. Basically every single one. Try starting of sentences with a verb every so often, just mix it up! It'll make your writing so much more interesting.

just going to remind you to use pronouns once in this review, because it's still a problem.

They both waited patiently for news on how their students were doing.


what happened to the urgency of telling the headmaster? Couldn't the Shuana stay with the children and Sherlock go to the headmaster?

queried Sherlock to Cambroxzen’s head matron who had just exited the children’s ward where Allana, Carina, Elliot, Andrew and Melville were being checked-up in.


we already know that she came out the door and that the kids were in there, unnecessary information!

queried Shauna from where she was sitting.


you've already used queried in this situation, try a different word.

“Same goes for me,” said Shauna as she leaped out of the seat she was sitting it.


typo.

Sherlock, as well as many of Cambroxzen’s staff, was surprised that Eden was chosen to be headmaster over Cambroxzen’s long serving assistant headmistress, Athena McKendrick.



fix the punctuation, which I have bolded. (notice the commas)

artefact.


*artifact.

It was true that he was not as skilful or refined as an agent


*skillful


good content in this, just need to polish it up!

I don't know if I will continue to review this since I have reached the chapters you have asked me to review, but it was fun! I hope to you the best in this novel and if you just clean up everything I've told you to this will be a really cool story :-) I may review another chapter every once in a while, but don't expect them anymore :p

good luck!

- Delonie




User avatar
463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

Donate
Tue Jan 05, 2016 3:20 pm
View Likes
megsug wrote a review...



Well... Life got in the way of my plans to finish this in one week... Alas, I have returned! Lemme just skim through the reviews really quick and we'll jump right in.

More people will check begin checking out the forest to see what has happened. This could benefit me. If the groundskeepers or other staff begin scouring the forest, they might encounter Silenus, which could lead to his arrest. Perhaps Silenus’ or his associates’ stupidity will rid me of serving their master once and for all

This is an example of explaining to much that I've mentioned in previous chapters. We understand that Alrick doesn't want to work with Silenus and his master. We already know that Wilfred is going to go check. This big chunk can be condensed into "I hope Silenus is discovered" and the reader loses nothing. Having to wade through these superfluous explanations all the time is tiresome.

I also see you're having some tense issues as Lightsong pointed out. You just need to read through this chapter carefully to find those issues. You're in past and keep slipping into present from what I've seen. What's funny is you haven't been doing that in past chapters... You also have quite a few typos from missing words to misspellings. While you're proofreading for tense, you might as well look for those too.

I don't think Eden is mean. I think most of his logic is pretty reasonable. He doesn't want to risk his staff, so he's calling the proper authorities. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is his lack of concern for the masked people in the forest. Is there not another set of authorities he can call who would answer right away? This isn't a time to not be worried. There should be a protocol for this. Shouldn't he shut the school down, so he can ensure none of the students are out there? I'd say this is an emergency situation!

The challenges facing this duo are building. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Onward!
Megs~




User avatar
440 Reviews


Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

Donate
Sat Sep 12, 2015 6:41 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



Howdy, yizhongt! (That's quite a mouthful keyboardful - do you have a nickname for me to call you by?) I am terribly sorry for being almost two weeks late for this review. *muttering* Darn school. Nonetheless, I hope that I can make it up to you! Once I have more time I'll probably come back to review some other chapters. I haven't read them yet, but a quick skimming through them has given me a proper understanding of what this novel's all about.

Before I begin, I must say that I love the title you came up with. Chalice of Life. Beautiful. Just be sure to stay consistent, because the first chapter has a "The" at the beginning where there shouldn't be one. No biggie, really, only it's an easy fix when you click to edit your work. While you're at it, you might as well update the prologue's title too.

Thoughts after reading
Overall, this was quite an enjoyable read! I don't like this Headmaster Eden much, though, for having such little faith in Sherlock and Shauna. They need to find the gem before it's too late and before the black-robed, silver-masked guys do any more damage!

I'm not too familiar with your characters - Alrick, Shauna, and Sherlock - but after reading just one random chapter I already I feel like I know them very well. Especially Sherlock. With subtle little hints to his character, his personality was presented very well. I also liked how this was from the point of view of the teachers, not the students. I'm happy that you've included short little character descriptions whenever we meet a new character as well.

As I've emphasized, I really enjoyed this! The only thing I'm worried about is this: the parallels between this novel and a Harry Potter book are waaay too numerous. This seems more like a Potter fanfic (with different character/setting names) to me. A well-written and well-planned one, for sure, but still sharing too many similarities with Harry and Hogwarts. There's the Enchanted Forest (The Forbidden Forest), a groundskeeper (Hagrid), a headmaster (Dumbledore), a castle that's a school for witches and wizards (Hogwarts), a title about a cup (The Goblet of Fire), enemies in black robes and silver masks (the Death Eaters), and a gem with magical powers (the Resurrection Stone).

Clearly, these factors are very important in your novel and you can't just go and edit them out without changing the story drastically. But you need to keep everything as original as you can, so for now on and in further chapters, be cautious of using too many Harry Potter elements. When you come back to edit the book as a whole, then you can concentrate on altering and adjusting the plot. For now, the important thing to do is just write!

Recommendations

“What have they done? ” muttered Alrick softly to himself as he saw a plume of thick black smoke rise from the Enchanted Forest from his bedroom’s window. From his bedroom’s window...

A rapid succession of repetition like this isn't to my liking. Hunith already pointed out this nitpick below, but I'd get rid of one of the underlined phrases entirely. Probably the first one because there's double "from"s in that sentence and it can get confusing.
“Alrick come to the forest.

You need a little comma after "Alrick." How to know when you need a comma? Read the sentence out loud and listen for pauses. Because the orb is addressing Alrick and there's a slight pause, you need that comma.
He was forced into a position which he did not like. What was worst, was that Silenus was holding his family as collateral if he disobeyed.

Here's how I'd write this: "He was forced into a position which he did not like; Silenus was holding his family as a collateral if he disobeyed."
Sherlock, Shauna and the students who were with them were exhausted all from the walking...

I'd switch those two words.
just a few cuts here and there, but their pretty shook up

"Their" definitely needs to be changed to "they're." In the case of "shook up," the grammatically correct phrase is "shaken up," but for you it might have been a characterization choice (dialect).

"Artefact" should be spelled as "artifact."

Closing thoughts
All you need to worry about is authenticity. Otherwise, you have an awesome book and awesome writing going on here. From what I can tell, you have a pretty nice balance between descriptions and dialogue, which is good too! I tend to lean a bit heavily on the former side, most likely owing to the influence of the classic novels I read that will go on and on with fancy descriptions. But since you can advance the plot just as well with dialogue, keep it up!

Again, I'm terribly sorry for being so late on this. I'll be back to review something of yours again, and hopefully you'll forgive me. :)

Write, write, write!




yizhongt says...


Thanks so much for the review. I really appreciate it. And I'm trying my best to try and separate my world from HP as best as I can. Ive just published chapter 9. If you have the time, please drop a review for it.



Random avatar

Points: 2021
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Sep 07, 2015 6:19 pm
View Likes
hunith wrote a review...



Hi, Hunith here at last.

sorry for the immensely delayed review. was caught up in much work.
Well as usual, lets get to business.

I truly liked this particular episode. it was tense getting to the end.

lets take a look at this.

“What have they done? ” muttered Alrick softly to himself as he saw a plume of thick black smoke rise from the Enchanted Forest from his bedroom’s window. From his bedroom’s window he could see that senior groundskeeper MacMohan. . . .


the bedroom was already stated. no need to repeat. Plus, you could have just used chambers instead of bedroom - bedroom sounds a bit crude. That's what i think, i may be wrong.

Next

More people will check begin checking out the forest to see what has happened. This could benefit me. If the groundskeepers or other staff begin scouring the forest, they might encounter Silenus, which could lead to his arrest. Perhaps Silenus’ or his associates’ stupidity will rid me of serving their master once and for all, thought Alrick to himself as he placed the most recent copy of the Journal of Experimental Potions Making which he was reading before the incident, on a drawer that was next to the window.


I think the last bit of this paragraph was too wordy. You should consider breaking it down. There's no need to tell us the name of the book, and there's definitely no need to tell us he was reading it before the incident.

Look at this too.

. . . .of Silenus ratting him out as the person who disabled the feeble protective charms of the island,. . . .


I'm rather curious. How is it that, a whole cambroxzen's enchanted forest has a feeble protective charm? if it was feeble, there wouldn't be a need for Alrick in the first place. Thats just by the way. Stories aren't just a bunch of words you want to put together, the teller must do well to fix any holes. That might turn the story against itself.


I must be frank with you, the groundskeeper's name was a bane to me. He's just a groundskeeper, so i expected a simpler, short and quick non noble name. But i kept reading Wilfred McMohan( a 15 lettered name) over and over considering you kept using it. I think you should revise the name. you can even make it just wilfred or wil. but Wilfred Mac Mohan is just to long and too formal.

“Right now, we go and see Madame Wade. You know how she doesn’t like it when someone breaks a promise,” replied Sherlock as the lift arrived and its grille door sliopen.


I don't really know but i think that word should have been slid open.

Anyway i really like the name Dr Heron. :)
Eden is just making me angry, and all sort of ideas are popping into my head about him.
I don't trust him.

But i think, sherlock should disobey and save the situation.
I liked this episode. keep writing


----signing out-----

~Hunith~




yizhongt says...


Hey hunith, chapter 9 has been published. It would be nice if you could drop a review if tie have the time.


Random avatar
hunith says...


ayt



User avatar
472 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 472

Donate
Mon Aug 24, 2015 3:12 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for the requested review! :)

“What have they done? ” muttered Alrick softly to himself as he saw a plume of thick black smoke rise from the Enchanted Forest from his bedroom’s window.


Tenses inconsistency. "... black smoke rose from..."

Okay, the first paragraph is too long for my taste. It might bore the readers. You can split it into two or three:

“What have they done? ” muttered Alrick softly to himself as he saw a plume of thick black smoke rise from the Enchanted Forest from his bedroom’s window. From his bedroom’s window he could see that senior groundskeeper MacMohan was about to enter the forest to probably find out the cause of the black smoke.

More people will check begin checking out the forest to see what has happened. This could benefit me. If the groundskeepers or other staff begin scouring the forest, they might encounter Silenus, which could lead to his arrest. Perhaps Silenus’ or his associates’ stupidity will rid me of serving their master once and for all, thought Alrick to himself as he placed the most recent copy of the Journal of Experimental Potions Making which he was reading before the incident, on a drawer that was next to the window.

Alrick had thought of the possibility of Silenus ratting him out as the person who disabled the feeble protective charms of the island, but he was not concerned as the academy staff will most certainly take his word over that of an intruder like Silenus, because they trusted him.


What was worst, is that Silenus was holding his family as collateral if he disobeyed.


Another tenses inconsistency. "Was" for "is". There are more examples of tenses inconsistency after this. I think this is your biggest weakness in the chapter.

“The Gem of Immortality, is an ancient artefact that is said to be able to grant whoever holds onto it immortality,” said Sherlock in a lecturing tone.


Remove the comma after "Gem of Immortality". "Artifact" instead of "artefact" which is not a word.

Overall, there's little here to be interested on. The story is moving forward but even now I don't know to where it's moving. I guess you need to focus more on the characters, give some insights on their characters to add more interest points in the chapter. Other than that, I hope you'll stop repeating the mistakes and errors I've pointed out not just in this review but the ones before. Keep up the good job! ;)




yizhongt says...


Hey lightsong, chapter 9 has been published. It would be awesome if you could drop a review if time permits.




GET ON IT PEEPS
— Nate