Silenus tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the associate he was supposed to meet. The alley was almost completely dark if not for a single lamp that illuminated the entrance. There was also somewhat of a foul smell in the air that tickled Silenus’ nose. Silenus soon heard the sounds of footsteps walking towards his direction, he looked up to see a man in dark black robes heading towards him hastily.
“What do you want?” asked the robbed figure who turned out to be a young man with neatly parted black hair. He spoke with distaste in his voice towards Silenus, cutting off Silenus before he could speak.
“Our master has an assignment for you, Alrick,” answered Silenus flatly.
“Your master is not my master. I do not answer to him,” conveyed Alrick, with the sound of contempt clearly in his voice.
“I beg to differ,” replied Silenus, “your father made a blood oath with the master. Swearing his fealty and that of his entire household to the cause. That means you are one of us- bound to serve our master until your last day.”
“What if I refuse, Silenus?” questioned Alrick as his light blue eyes narrowed, reflecting a flash of vindictiveness in them.
“Well we don’t want anything untoward happening to your dear mother, or your younger sister and brother, do we?” remarked Silenus with a sinister smile on his face, not even trying to hide his threat behind a veil.
“If you hurt them or lay a finger on them...”
“We won’t hurt them,” interjected Silenus, “if you carry out the master’s wishes.”
It was one thing for the master and what few fanatical followers had left to go after him for disobeying the master’s orders. He knew he could protect himself against them, but it was another thing to go after his mother and siblings, people who would not be able to stand up against the master’s followers. “What do I need to do?” asked Alrick with the sound of defeat in his voice.
A sinister grin grew on Silenus. “The master will be very pleased with your decision, Alrick, very pleased.”
*******************************************
Sherlock walked into the duelling practice hall which was filled with all the first year students that were enrolled at Cambroxzen. The noise level in the hall was deafening. Many if not all the students were talking to each other. Some students, were voicing their excitement and could not wait for the tutorial to start, while there were others who were relaying their fear and nervousness about dueling to friends who were scared and nervous as well, and of course there were some students who just waited quietly for the tutorial to begin. Sherlock had to weave through groups of students to reach where his friend and former mentor Charles Warrington was standing. Sherlock smiled as he greeted some students who had said hello to him as he made his way to where Charles was standing, which was on a large elevated rectangular arena which was located at the centre of the duelling room.
The dueling practice hall was spacious and was located on the third floor of Cambroxzen castle. Perhaps the most noticeable fixture of the room was the large rectangular dueling arena located in the middle of the room. The room had thin windows that almost touched the ceiling on the right side of the hall, which let in the light during the day. During the night and on dark gloomy days two large beautiful and ornately decorated wooden chandeliers hanging from the ceiling as well ornate lamps mounted on the walls illuminated the hall. . Beautifully framed portraits of former Cambroxzen dueling champions as well as students who had gone on to be famous duelist hung on both sides of room’s walls.To serve as an inspiration for young duelist. There were a couple of long wooden stools facing the arena that students could sit on it they so wanted, but none of them were being used tonight.
“Sherlock, right on time,” said Charles with a smile on his face as Sherlock walked up to the arena.
“Sorry for being a tad bit late, Charles,” apologized Sherlock as took his place beside Charles on the area.
“Nonsense, you’re right on time. Plus it’s not even 8.30 yet” said Charles to Sherlock, who was his former student. Charles scanned the room, counting the number of students that were present. Charles clasped his two hands together as he finished counting the number of students that were present. “Well then, shall we start the tutorial?” Sherlock nodded, supporting Charles’ suggestion to start the tutorial. Charles took out his wand from his black leather jacket’s inner pocket. It was a beautifully made wand, the colour of its wood resembled that of ivory from an African gajaleph. Charles placed his wand a few inches from his mouth before he spoke to it.
“Good evening students,” wished Charles to his first year students, his warm and friendly voice echoing thorough out the high ceiling room due to the voice amplification charm he was using. “Welcome to your first duelling tutorial class, the first of many duelling tutorials that you will have to undergo during your time at Cambroxzen. Today you will be taught the proper combative stance you have to take while duelling, as well as the formal salute you have to give your opponent prior. Mister Tan and I will first demonstrate to you all the formal salute and the proper combative stance with a demonstration. Mister Tan, are you ready? ”
Sherlock nodded, his chestnut wand already in his hand, ready for the dueling match against Charles.
“Very well, take your position Mister Tan,” said Charles before walking to one end of the rectangular arena. Sherlock did the same, walking to the other end of the arena. All the student’s eyes were looking at the arena, waiting in anticipation to see the duel between two of the teachers. Sherlock and Charles brought up their wands vertically, placing their respective wands only inches away from their face before bowing in respect to one another, both duellist then took their formal combative stance. Charles nodded to Sherlock, in which Sherlock nodded in return.
“Debilito,” said Charles thrust his wand hand forward, starting the duel between him and Sherlock. A blue bolt of magical energy shot out from Charles’ beautiful ivory coloured wand and sped towards Sherlock.
Sherlock moved his wand hand downwards in a slashing motion hastily as he uttered the word Perisius, producing a shield spell that protected him from Charles’ spell just moments before it hit him. A bright blueish white light was produced as soon as Charles’ spell impacted the protective charm that shielded Sherlock. Almost immediately after that, Sherlock trained his wand directly at Charles before saying the word Auferoarmia. A white bolt of energy surged out of Sherlock’s wand and sped towards Charles.
Sherlock’s spell impacted against an invisible protective barrier that Charles had cast without uttering a single word. Like Sherlock’s protective barrier, Charles’ protective barrier let out a bright blueish white light when Sherlock’s spell made contact with it. Charles instead of firing another spell towards Sherlock nodded to him, in which Sherlock responded with a nod as well. Both wizards then proceeded to place their wand vertically in front of their faces before bowing to one another, ending the duel. Both Charles and Sherlock walked to the centre of the arena from their respective duelling positions to address their captive audience.
“And that, my students is how a formal duel would normally begin and take place. That being said, most duels you will have to engage in will not start like the way Mister Tan and I have demonstrated in front of you. In fact, most duels you might have to engage in your life will forgo the formalities,” remarked Charles to all his first year students who were all eager to listen to what Charles had to say. “Since we have covered the basics of duelling, let’s start with a few practice duels. Now when Mister Tan calls your name, please come up to the arena. Now I know some or many of you are afraid, don’t be, Madame Wade is standing ready to treat any injuries you might get, and Mister Tan and I will end any fight if it starts to get out of hand. Mister Tan, you have the floor now.”
“Thank you Mister Warrington. Now when I call out your name, please come up to the arena,” instructed Sherlock with a friendly tone in his voice as he took out a piece of parchment from his pants pocket. All the students waited to see whose name would be called up first by Sherlock. “First up is Mia Alana Tan from Owllaria and Malana Jay from Battaroz.”
Both students made their way through their fellow classmates and walked up to the arena. They were both around the same height, but there is where the similarities end. Mia had straight shoulder length dark brown hair with rosy cheeks while Malana had long and curly and rather wild black hair that was tied up into a ponytail. As the two students walked up to the arena and took their positions at opposite end of the area, both Sherlock and Charles walked down from the arena. Both students had their respective wands drawn, ready for their practice duel. Of the two girls, Malana was clearly more excited, and was enjoying the attention she was getting. Mia on the other hand was more quiet and reserved.
“Alright, begin with saluting one another,” instructed Charles from the sidelines to the two girls who were on the arena. Both Mia and Malana followed Charles’ instruction and saluted one another. “Excellent, now let the duel begin. The winner is whoever manages to disarm the other,” said Charles to the two girls on the arena.
Both girls were unsure of what to do after saluting one another. They just stood there with their wands drawn, one waiting for the other to initiate the duel. The first year students in the hall waited in anticipation for one of them to make the first move, some of the students were cheering either Mia or Malana on.
It was Malana who made the first move. “Adcopias,” said Malana loudly before a maroon bolt of energy sped out of her wand and made its way to Mia. Mia side-stepped to the left, Malana's spell missing her by only a half of an inch.
Mia after barely dodging Malana’s spell, composed herself and pointed her wand towards Malana. “Garriendo,” yelled Mia before an indigo bolt of energy sped towards the direction of Malana. Malana was not as lucky as Mia, and Mia’s spell hit her in the chest before she could dodge it. Malana fell down to the ground, grabbing her stomach as she laughed uncontrollably. Malana tried to get up to her feet, but she could not because of the intense tickling sensation her stomach was feeling.
Garriendo, most impressive, mused Sherlock from the sideline, when I was her age I could not even cast a spell like that.
Charles walked up to the arena and made his way towards Malana who was still gripping her stomach as she continued to laugh uncontrollably, now with a look of discomfort on her face. He knelt down before taking out his wand and tapping in on Malana’s forehead. Almost instantly, Malana stopped laughing uncontrollably, but she was still gripping her stomach. Mia just stood on the other end of the arena, unsure as to what to do.
Charles helped Malana up who was still clutching her stomach before looking towards Mia, “The winner of the practice duel is Mia,” announced Charles to the rest of the first year students.
Mia walked over to Charles and Malana. “Are you alright?” asked Mia to Malana with concern in his voice.
“It still hurts a bit,” groaned Malana who was still clutching her stomach.
“Mia, take Malana to see Madame Wade,” instructed Charles to the young Owllarian student. Mia nodded before walking down the arena with Malana, who was still clutching her stomach.
The rest of the practice duels for the night ended in either two ways, with one dueler beating the other, or both duellers incapacitating one another. The match immediately after Mia and Malana’s was between a boy from Staggeron named Benjamin and a merboy from Foxzaria, which ended in a draw when both of them knocked each other out. The match after that ended in a win for another boy from Staggeron named Taufik over a boy from Owllaria. Madame Wade had a relatively busy night, taking care of the students that were suffering from minor scrapes and bruises, healing them and giving them sweets afterwards, but it was nothing the caring and jovial experienced matron could not handle.
Charles and Sherlock decided to end the tutorial class for the night after the most recent match ended in a draw. Charles and Sherlock helped the two most recent combatants get down from the arena and to Madame Wade who was waiting to receive them with a warm smile at the base of the arena’s step, she had two stretches levitating beside her for the two students, if they needed it.
Charles after making sure the two were safely in the care of the jovial and rather plus-sized black matron, addressed the students. “I am very impressed by some of the performances I saw tonight. Very impressed indeed,” praised Charles who was standing on the arena. “Now remember, there will be a dueling tutorial once every month from now on. In the next meeting, Mister Tan and I will be teaching you all how to properly disarm an opponent using the disarming spell, which is one of the most important spells you would ever learn when it comes to dueling.” With that last announcement, Charles dismissed all his students and released them to the care of their respective house prefects to lead them back to their respective dormitories. The students exited the hall, house by house in rows of two.
“Well I think today went mighty well, don’t you?” expressed Charles with a smile on his face to Sherlock who was standing next to him, who were watching the students leaving the hall.
“I’m actually quite impressed by some of the spells that were used here tonight,” commented Sherlock. “When I was their age, I could not cast spells like Garriendo, Lidahligans and Scirtoallegra. Students these days are getting smarter, well some of them anyways.”
“I could not agree with you more,” agreed Charles. “So have any plans for tomorrow?”
“I’m going to the Enchanted Forrest for a hike,” answered Sherlock, not wanting to divulge the entirety of his plan. “How about you Charles?”
“I’m going to be catching the Crickboft match between the Scarlet Devils and the Azure Lion in Manchester,” answered Charles as he rubbed his two hands together.
After the last student had left the hall, Charles and Sherlock also proceeded to make their way out of the hall and back to their respective rooms in Cambroxzen’s huge medieval castle to turn in for the night.
******************************************
Alrick hastily made his way through the Enchanted Forest, each step faster than the last. Although it was the night of a full moon, the moon’s glow was blocked out by the clouds, necessitating Alrick to use a wand lighting spell to light his way. Alrick finally reached his destination, a small open clearing in the middle of the forest. The forest was quite, and not a sound could be heard.
Alrick pointed his plain and slightly curved hawthorn wand downwards towards the ground of the open clearing before uttering an incantation. Almost immediately after Alrick finished the incantation, a grey glowing circle with runic inscriptions appeared on dirt ground before fading as quickly as it had appeared. A cold breeze washed over Alrick and the area before the ground started to glow grey like it did only moments ago. Four bright green flashes of light appeared almost simultaneously, followed by four walls of thick green smoke that smelled like ash. The thick smoke obscured Alrick’s vision, preventing him from seeing who had just actually teleported onto the island where Cambroxzen was located on. Someone finally stepped out from behind the thick wall of smoke, it was Silenus, followed by three other Dread Bringers.
“Good job Alrick, good job. I knew you would not let the master down,” said Silenus with a wide smile on his rat like face. The three other Dread Bringers that had followed him stood behind him quietly.
Alrick felt a wave of disgust wash over him as he heard Silenus’ words of praise. “I’ve done your master’s bidding, now you stay away from my family” demanded Alrick to Silenus who was standing in front of him.
“Our master, Alrick. Our master,” corrected Silenus. “And we’ll leave your family alone once we are done with our mission here.” With that Silenus signaled the other Dread Bringers to follow him, deeper into the enchanted forest.
“That was not part of the agreement,” voiced Alrick with discontent as he pointed his wand towards Silenus. The three other Dread Bringers drew their respective wands and pointed it at him in response to Alrick’s action.
Silenus chuckled. “I’ve changed the deal.” remarked Silenus with an evil grin on his face. “And you are in no position to make any demands Alrick. Remember, your family’s life is on the line.”
With that, Alrick dropped his wand to his side in defeat, no longer pointing it towards Silenus. Silenus laughed as he walked away from Alrick with his fellow Dread Bringers following him closely behind, deeper into the enchanted forest. Alrick did not move, he just stood there, staring at the ground in defeat
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Heyo~
Back again though a day late >.> Oh well. Read through the other reviews. I'll try not to repeat.
I think I like your bad guys better than your good guys... That's not a bad thing at all. Villains should be well developed characters too!
On that note though... Sherlock is very flat. Other than the fact that he's a teacher, an expert in artifacts, and Asian (which Rosey pointed out in a previous chapter wasn't really enough of a description) I know nothing about him. I've been trying to think of a character trait for him, and the only one I can think of is polite. One character trait? Needless to say, Sherlock is coming off flat, and since he's probably gotten the most story time of anyone else, that's not a good thing. I'd start fixing this by making a character profile. Come up with his backstory, his strengths, his weaknesses, his pet peeves. Don't stop until you feel like you know who Sherlock is yourself. That being said, when you know all of his attributes, do not just list them out for us. That's a) bad story telling and b) we won't remember. Some of the things in the character profile, your reader may never even know.
Another big thing that's apparent to me throughout the chapters is that while your description has improved, you're now describing things that the reader doesn't really care about. Like the wands. I don't care. I don't care about anyone's wand at all. Unless the wand symbolizes something about the character you should not put so much effort into getting us to notice what kind of wand someone is holding. It distracts from the narration. I have the same reaction about eye color in other stories. Absolutely not necessary.
Also, I remember there was a paragraph long description of the dueling hall, but I only remember high windows. That's not a good sign. That means your description was dull.
Finally, you should not interrupt your narration to explain why something just happened. Give your readers a little credit. We can figure out that a duel has ended when two people nod at each other instead of launching a spell at each other and bow that the duel has ended. You don't need to tell us that the bow signals the end of the duel. This happened several times where you explained really obvious stuff that just took us out of the action, and you have a habit of doing that in all of your chapters.
A little more focus on this chapter specifically:
What was the point of the dueling scene? I feel like I enjoy the villains so much more because things actually happen around them. So far following Sherlock, I've read about a really info heavy conversation, a meal and another info heavy conversation, a trip to the library, and a dueling lesson. Every scene with Sherlock in it, I'm slogging through, and again, that's not good because he has so much story time. And I feel like the dueling lesson has nothing to do with the actual plot.
I did enjoy the end of this chapter though. Very mysterious. I must keep reading to find out what's going to happen!
Megs~
Chapter Four, yay!
cutting out extra information
Just to Review:
Spoiler
repetition
sentence flow
your writing was plain
being more clear on what's happening.
setting.
adding more history/background/development
REPETITION
more character complexity
boring descriptions
being more clear what character you are writing as
not making this a remake of Harry Potter
pronouns
pRONOUNS
PRONOUNS
Leggo~
I'm not going to go full blown rant, but PRONOUNS. I will try not to comment on your lack of them from now on in this review (I'll probably make a small comment, but won't lecture), but PLEASE keep them in mind.
So, you're very good at dialogue in most cases, and describing the tone of the person talking. It's just a little annoying when you keep using proper nouns instead of pronouns.
Something I am getting as the reader, is that i'm not really getting a lot of what's going on. You're switching from different characters Now, I realize that this is written in third person omniscient, but you have different chapters where you focus on one person and then you go to a different person in the next chapter, which makes me think you have multiple main characters. It would be so so helpful if you would label the beginnings of chapters or sections that you switch main characters, so I understand right away whose eyes the chapter is going to be through. It's really hard to follow what's going on and where these people are, and it''s just a bunch of chaos!
loved this line, it's ver creepy and makes me wonder how please the master will be and what Alrick will have to do. good job
Another thing I am confused on, is how Silenus is related (not by blood, but by the storyline.) to Sherlock in this story. Like is Silenus the one stealing the things?
so, I noticed that in a review that Carlito wrote, he mentioned something about this line:
and said this:
I totally understand his confusion, although I also understand what you meant it to say. I think that you should just cut out the "who was his former student" because you already mentioned that Charles was Sherlock's Mentor, no need to mention it again.
wouldn't it be so much cooler if he shot like a magical beam to get the children's attention? this part is a little too Harry Potter for my taste.
Mr. Tan, Mr. Tan, Mr. Tan. cut some of it out, add in he's or him's. In the quoted above, just cut it out. Leave it at "Very well, take your position,"
wands is in here twice, and it's too repetitive. Can you try and word this a different way?
while your words that you say to enact the spells are interesting, beams of magical energy are honestly not. Flipping someone in the air, turning the blue, turning them into a pig, now that's interesting!
is Mia a man or is this just a typo?
*Charles, after...
and kind of wordy. try and be more concise, and use only one adjective.
what houses? Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin? >.>
do I even need to point out how cliché this is?
*quiet
I like this Alrick guy, and hate this Silenus guy.
well, that's all I have for this chapter! Sorry, I know it's taking me FOREVER to review all of this, I just have a busy schedule and these reviews for your chapters usually take me 45 minutes to an hour to write! I will finish someday!
-Del
Hey Yizhongt!
LordofLit here to review this chapter as I promised!
Well what can I say, another brilliant chapter! The original spell names and what they do is very imaginative, I would've found it hard to think of names for spells! (Seeing as J.K. Rowling used all the good ones)
I spotted a couple of mistakes that shouldn't take long to correct:
'the forest was quite' this should be rewritten to say 'quiet'.
' "And ' never start a sentence with a capitalized connective word, this whole dialect should be rewritten so it looks like this; '"I've changed the deal," remarked Silenus with an evil grin on his face, "and you'.
In other words, this Silenus guy is a real d***, and I hope he gets what he deserves in the end.
Keep up the good work!
LordofLit101
Hello! Here as requested
This opening line was a little wordy for my taste - especially that underlined part.
The bold part - if not for OR except for
Period after "direction".
I'm not digging "the figure". It just seems like a weird way to describe a human, in my opinion. I also think you could include part of the description of what he looks like before you give the description about how he talks. Something like: "the robed figure turned out to be a young man with neatly parted black hair. He spoke with distaste towards Silenus, cutting off Silenus before he could speak."
The name Silenus reminds me of Severus and the robes remind me of cloaks and this blood oath reminds me of the unbreakable vow and the master reminds me of Voldemort :p
(This isn't a problem, I'm just a mega Harry Potter fan. Haha I haven't read enough of this to know if it parallels THE GREATEST BOOKS OF ALL TIME, and I really doubt it's intentional :p).
Some things I'm noticing:
1. You love adverbs. (Quick way to know if it's an adverb - generally something that ends in -ly). Adverbs aren't the worst things in the world, but they can take away from your writing when used in excess. A lot of times you can use a stronger verb or different adjectives to make the adverb all but obsolete.
2. You tend to tell emotions rather than showing. What do I mean by that? Well here, you say that anger is clearly present in his eyes. Okay. But I'm not quite sure what that means exactly or exactly what that looks like. Anger can look very different to different people. Maybe his eyebrows are furrowed and there's a crease in his forehead. Maybe his face is red and his teeth are bared. Maybe his eyes narrow or have a vindictive flash. Those types of descriptions (while not very in depth) show us that emotion of anger in his eyes.
Another not about the underlined part: too wordy for my taste. I would show the emotion and leave it at that. We don't need to know that his eyes usually mesmerize people right now. If it's important, you can show us later.
The underlined part confused me.
Things I'm noticing:
3. You tend to like using creative dialogue tags. Again, this is fine, but when used in excess it can take away from the overall writing. There is nothing wrong with using "said".
I wasn't a fan of this repetition of "dueling practice hall".
How does Sherlock know all of this? Even though this is third person, we're looking at things through Sherlock's eyes in a way. Does he guess that this is what people are thinking? You could describe more here in the showing way I talked about earlier.
Slashed because it's not necessary. What else would he be doing?
Also, this paragraph is a little out of order. He's weaving through the students to reach his friend. That first sentence makes it seems like he's reached his friend. But then we go back to when he's walking through the crowd. (PS - don't like that repetition of "greeted"). Then we're back to meeting Charles.
Wait. Huh? Sherlock is his former student? I thought they were friends (try not to change up how you refer to people because it can get confusing). Is he talking to a random stranger next to Sherlock?
Slashed because it's wordy and irrelevant.
Slashed because I felt like that little tidbit was obvious.
New paragraph at the beginning of this line.
They said earlier that their goal was to try and disarm their opponent. How are they supposed to do that if they haven't learned that spell yet?
"smelled" like ash.
Okay, I take back my previous comment - this reminds me a LOT of Harry Potter. The whole dueling section was like from the second book. The set up is so similar with houses and prefects and a big forest and a sport and a group of dark people. I don't know if it's intentional, but it's really, really similar to Harry Potter - just with harder to pronounce names :p
I didn't point out every instance of the three points I made up there ^, but they apply throughout. The other thing I wanted to mention is that you tend to get really wordy with your descriptions. Try to think about what is important now. What is going to set the scene, what is going to help us get to know the characters. I couldn't really visualize where I was (which could be because I'm coming in on chapter 4), but I would like more setting descriptions. Think about the five senses and try to paint me a picture so I feel like I'm there right along with your characters. I want more showing of emotion and character development. They feel a little flat and one-dimensional right now (again, could be because I'm coming in late), but check out some of the posts and clubs around here about developing characters and making them stand out on the page
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!!
Hi yizhongt, Hunith here to submit a view.
RED ALERT!!
I must say that, though the story is progressing beautifully,
I believe it could have been wonderful, if some few finishing touches were added.
This particular chapter was good, but it could be even better.
Anyway. I'm not going to talk much. Much of what i might say; i've already
spoken of in previous chapters.
First of, let's start with this:
there was no need to use foul smelling smell. It could have just been foul smell.
One thing i was deprived in this chapter was the lack of vivid description. I felt the dueling arena was lacking in appearance.
And another thing is,
i strongly felt the dueling could have done well with more fluid descriptions. one thing about action scenes are, the moment it lacks that clarity and picturesque quality the reader seeks, it becomes just a regular sentence and a grave bore.
You should work on making your action scenes captivating.
I also noticed that you over emphasis, the characters' wands. (this is a very vital information, however continual dump of info on something like a wand, makes it lose its beauty) this is just a side thought.
One last thing: be careful of names. Just because it's fantasy doesn't give room for all sort of naming or names. some names can make your juicy story sour. (i'm not saying your choice of names are bad. On the contrary, some of your names are very insightful and great. But I'm just hinting on it for a good reason and also for subsequent chapters)
Anyway. I'm still loving this story. And will be waiting for the next chapter as always.
---------Signing Out---------
~Hunith~
As always, thanks for the feed-back. I'll start tweaking the chapter as soon as possible. On the issue of action scenes, do you have any suggestions on how to make it more picturesque? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you ! And I'll PM you when the new chapter gets published. Cheers !
ayt.
check out my new chapter on hexamon. this is the link:https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/hunith/Hexamon--3-122526
Hello! My name is Corralynn! And I will be reviewing for you today!
I really enjoyed the first section of this chapter. It creates a wonderful level of angst to it that really draws the reader in.
I found a few little sections I would correct,
"“My stomach still feels a bit painful,” replied Malana who was still clutching her stomach." This sentence is a bit awkward,
""It still hurts a bit,' groaned Malana who clutched her stomach fiercely." By changed a round a few words and using and my saying "it" and then explaining later that its her stomach works in the same was without repeated the word.
"Silenus chuckled. “I’ve changed the deal.” remarked Silenus with an evil grin on his face. “And you are in no position to make any demands Alrick. Remember, your family’s life is on the line.”" The use of Silenus' name being repeated that frequently can fell odd to the reader and would be better written as,
"Silenus chuckled. "I've changed the deal." he remarked with an evil grin on his face." It just reads a lot nicer and more fluently.
These aren't the only area's I saw similar mishaps, but I will allow you to go through this chapter and correct yourself. One thing that really helps is reading your writing out loud. It really makes a difference and helps show you error sections easier then reading it in your head.
Overall I really enjoyed this chapter and I look forward to new ones to come!
Corralynn.
Thank you for the feedback you've given. I will make the necessary changes. Feel free to check out the previous chapters and give some feedback if you see anything that can be improved on. Cheers !
Thank you for the feedback you've given. I will make the necessary changes. Feel free to check out the previous chapters and give some feedback if you see anything that can be improved on. Cheers !