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Young Writers Society


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Chalice of Life: Chapter 9

by yizhongt


Alrick was nearing the Enchanted Forest, each step was quicker than the one before. He breathed in heavily, trying to get as much fresh air into his lungs as possible. With every breathe of air he took in, he felt slightly more energized. The afternoon sun shined brightly over him, but he did not feel its warmth as it was only the start of spring. Finally the entrance to the forest came into view. Alrick stopped in his tracks when he saw that the entrance had groundskeeper MacMohan and two other groundskeepers, whose names he could not recall at the present moment, standing in front of it. All three had their wands drawn, as if they were expecting trouble, or perhaps they were going into find trouble. The three groundskeepers did not take notice of Alrick as their backs were facing him.

How am I suppose to get pass them, thought Alrick to himself he tapped his chin quickly. Maybe I could tell them that I need some plants for my potion making class? No, that won’t work. Something tells me that they won’t let me in. And even if they did, I have a feeling that I would need to be escorted. Alrick looked at his watch, he only had less than ten minutes to get into the forest to meet Silenus’ spirit guardian. His mind raced, trying to find a solution to his predicament. “If only I had an invisibility cloak right now,” thought Alrick to himself out loud. Then it hit him, there was a way into the forest. He just had to cast an invisibility charm on himself. The thing is, an invisibility charm is an extremely complex charm to cast even on an object or fabric. Alrick had to cast the charm not only on his clothes, but on his body as well. Alrick was confident in his skills as a wizard. In fact, he had successfully cast an invisibility charm before for extra points for his Advanced Wizarding Exam, but he had doubts whether or not he could cast an invisibility charm of such difficulty and complexity. Nonetheless, he had to try. His family’s safety was at stake.

Alrick drew his slightly curved wand from his robe’s pocket. He pointed it towards his body. He took in a deep breath. I hope this works. “Conceloplene,” muttered Alrick softly. The tip of his wand glowed brightly before it cast the invisibility spell. Alrick closed his eyes to shield them from the brightness. As Alrick opened his eyes slowly, all he could see was his wand, and not the hand holding it. Alrick used his wand and conjured a mirror so that he could see himself. What he could see in the mirror was only his wand. His body and clothes had been made invisible by the invisibility charm he cast. As his wand was not made invisible by the invisibility charm, Alrick kept his wand in his robe’s pocket, making sure it was not visible before continuing his journey to the Enchanted Forest.

Alrick moved pass the three groundskeepers cautiously and slowly, as he did not want to raise any suspicions even though he was invisible. I’m lucky they didn’t cast a magic detector or a disenchantment line at the entrance, thought Alrick to himself as he passed the three groundskeepers and entered the forest undetected. As soon as Alrick had gotten far enough away from the entrance and out of sight of the three groundskeepers, Alrick stopped. He drew his wand from his pocket. The young potion teacher placed his wand in front of him, and cast the spell to make him visible again. The moment Alrick became visible, he was overcome with the feeling that someone or something was watching him, observing him. It made him feel uneasy and cold. “Show yourself !” said Alrick firmly without raising his voice. He could not risk one of the three groundskeeper hearing him if he raised his voice. “Show yourself!” repeated Alrick firmly. The cold and uneasy sensation he was feeling grew more intense. It felt exactly like the sensation he experienced when Silenus’ spirit guardian entered his room.

“Show yourself Silenus!” repeated Alrick firmly yet again. There was still no response to his calls. Alrick scanned his surroundings with his piercing blue eyes. There was nothing out of the ordinary that caught his attention. He gripped his wand slightly tighter. Without warning, a blood red sphere of energy phased through one of the ancient trees of the Enchanted Forest that was facing Alrick. Alrick took a step back and pointed his wand at the sphere of energy. The sphere approached him slowly. Alrick took another step back, still pointing his wand at the blood red sphere of energy. The sphere then began to hover around Alrick, slowly. Get on with it Silenus, Alrick said to himself, annoyed.

“Follow my spirit guardian, Alrick,” instructed Silenus through his spirit guardian finally as it continued to hover around the young wizard. “And put your wand away.” Alrick frowned as he slowly lowered his wand, but the young wizard did not put it back in his robe’s pocket. Silenus’ spirit guardian hovered around Alrick for one last time before it morphed into a form of a giant rat with decaying flesh and with its skeletal features clearly visible. The sight of Silenus’ spirit guardian’s which looked like that of a reanimated corpse of a giant rat repulsed and disgusted Alrick. He tried averting his eyes away from its hideous form. He had never before seen a corrupted animal form of a spirit guardian. The thought of a someone’ spirit guardian’s animal form being this corrupted brought shivers down Alrick’s spine. Silenus’ corpse of a spirit guardian approached Alrick slowly before it scurried deeper into the forest. Alrick reluctantly chased after it, trying to keep up.

***********************************************************************

Headmaster Ramsay Eden placed the quill he was using into its ink bottle upon finishing the letter he had written after dismissing the both Sherlock and Shauna from his office. He had briefly entertained Sherlock’s suggestion on sending Professor Warrington and Charms Master Warwick or any other teacher for that matter into the forest to look for the intruders, but eventually dismissed the thought altogether as they were merely educators. They did not have the training and quite possibly the skills to handle situations like this.Eden read the letter he wrote one more time before he picked up his wand. It was a rather short and plain wand. It was neither intricately carved or decorated. He tapped his wand on the letter he had just written. The letter immediately folded itself and flew into a hovering envelope which sealed itself as soon as the letter entered it.

Eden walked over to one of his office’s windows with the hovering letter following next to him. He opened a window, and the smell of burning trees from the Enchanted Forest entered the his office. The smell irritated his nose, making the short and stout headmaster sneeze violently. Eden quickly tapped the hovering letter and it proceeded to fly out of his office and towards the direction of London. He quickly used his wand to close the window to prevent the smell of smoke entering his office. Eden then waved his plain simple wand in the air, which soon let out a mist of sweet smelling fragrance which masked the smell of the smoke. Perfect, thought Eden to himself as he took in a huge wiff before walking back to his desk.

****************************************************************************************************************

Alrick had followed Silenus’ spirit guardian’s corpse like animal form through the forest to the entrance of a cave. One of the many caves that could be found in the Enchanted Forest. Alrick was tired from chasing after Silenus’ spirit guardian. His legs were throbbing and sweat trickled down the side of his face. The young wizard entered the cave, following closely behind Silenus’ s spirit guardian. 

The cave was dark except for the eerie red glow being given out by Silenus’ corpse like spirit guardian’s animal form and from the bright white light emanating from the tip of Alrick’s wand which he drew upon entering the cave. Alrick could smell the faint smell of smoke as he got deeper into the cave. After following Silenus’ spirit guardian through the winding corridors of the cave, Alrick finally reached his intended destination, a large cavern which was dimly lit by a fire and had stalactites hanging from the ceiling of the cavern. Silenus and his companions, two which were lying on the ground while the other was stood over the two stood before him. From what he could see, Alrick deduced that those were the people that required his healing draughts. Silenus’ spirit guardian approached its master before it dematerialised into thin air. Perhaps I could take Silenus down right here and end this sordid affair, thought Alrick to himself as he saw the state of Silenus’ two companions.

“Alrick, good to have you join us,” said Silenus as left his companions and walked slowly towards Alrick.

Alrick frowned. “It’s not like I could so no, could I?” asked Alrick rhetorically.

“Quite right, quite right,” replied Silenus with an evil grin on his rat-like face as he circled Alrick slowly. “Do you have the healing draughts I require ?

“They’re here,” answered Alrick as he tapped his sling bag where he kept the two healing draughts in.

“Give it to me,” ordered Silenus who had stopped in front of the young potions master.

The thought of he taking down Silenus and his other companion who was not incapacitated and turning them in still played around in his head. “You know, I could probably just take you both down and end this sordid affair,” remarked Alrick as he lifted his wand towards Silenus. Silenus’ companion, Ludwig, instinctively and quickly drew his black and warped looking wand and pointed it towards Alrick.

Silenus chuckled at the sight of Alrick’s wand in his face. “You think too highly of your skills Alrick, too highly,” said Silenus as he walked closer towards Alrick.

“I beg to differ Silenus,” retorted Alrick as he gripped his wand tighter before glancing quickly over at Silenus’ companion who had his wand pointed at him.

“Even if you manage to take me and my companion down and turn us in, who says I won’t implicate you as the man who brought danger to the academy and its inhabitant?” asked Silenus as he turned his back to Alrick.

“I think they’ll take my word over the word of someone they have not even met, let alone trust,” replied Alrick.

“Do you think they really trust you, Alrick?” asked Silenus, trying to plant the seeds of doubt into Alrick. “Do you really think they would trust the son of a Dread Bringer who has committed countless acts of atrocity and who is locked up in Arzhamtroz? I know I wouldn’t.”

Alrick swallowed the lump that has formed in his throat. Its true, could the people he considered to be his friends and colleagues really trust him since he was related to a Dread Bringer?

“If you go to prison. How can you protect your dear mother and siblings if you’re locked up in Arzhamtroz with the rest of us? Do not think me being in Arzhamtraz will bring safety to your family. It will not,” said Silenus, whose question broke Alrick’s train of thought. “Our master’s hand is long, and can reach far. Now, give me the draughts.”

Alrick lowered his wand and kept it his robe’s pocket before reaching into his sling back and taking out the two healing draughts which red coloured liquid glowed slightly when exposed to light from the campfire. Silenus walked over to Alrick and proceeded to take the two healing draughts from him. “Thank you,” said Silenus, “you have been a great servant to the master. I shall be in touch with you.”

Alrick without saying a word proceeded to leave Silenus and his companions and head back to Camboxzen Castle, wanting to put this whole episode behind him. One day I’ll get you Silenus, one day.

***********************************************************************

Sherlock after getting a clean bill of health from Madame Wade returned to his room. He couldn’t wait to take a nice long cold shower to wash off all the soot and dirt on his body. Shauna who was examined by Madame Wade before Sherlock had already returned to her room to wash up and get some rest after Sherlock advised her to do so. Upon entering his room, Sherlock threw his backpack onto his bed before walking to his room’s bathroom.

After taking a long and relaxing cold water bath which washed away all the dirt and soot from his body, Sherlock felt refreshed and energised. Throughout his time in the shower, many questions darted around the young wizard’s mind. Who were those people? How did they get pass Cambroxzen’s protections? And the most important question of all, what do they plan to do with the gem if they acquire it? The inability to come up with any solid answers for any of the questions frustrated him. Sherlock was making his usual pot of tea for the evening when he heard a series of knocks on his room’s door.

“Who is it?” called out Sherlock as he walked over to his room’s solid oak door.

“It’s me,” replied a familiar voice from the other end of the door.

Sherlock opened his room’s door, revealing the people on the other side of the door. It was his brother, his twin cousins and the Otterey twins. “What are you all doing here?” asked Sherlock curiously as he signaled them to enter his room before closing the door.

“We want to know what happened to you in the forest,” answered his cousin Joanna as she sat down on his bed. Joanna was a beautiful young woman. She had a tall and athletic build and had long black hair which was curled slightly at the end.

“I’m sure the news of what happened to me and Shauna in the forest would have circulated throughout the academy by now,” replied Sherlock as he started pouring tea into tea cups to be served to his guest.

“Of course it has! The problem is, its that it’s not reliable, ” answered Francis from where he was sitting, which was by Sherlock’s oak bookshelf.

“We want to hear it from the horses mouth,” added Joseph, Joanna twin. He was taller than his sister and slightly taller Sherlock by an inch. He was thin and lanky and his black hair was short and neat.

Sherlock was about to retell his experience to the gathered crowd in his room when someone knocked on his room’s door. Now who could that be, thought Sherlock as he walked to the door to see who it was. He opened the door, and on the other end was Shauna. Her previously long braided hair was now tied up into a simple ponytail and she was wearing a baggy T-shirt along with slim fitting jeans.

“I thought I told you to get some rest,” said Sherlock to his best friend as she entered his room.

“I couldn’t sleep,” answered Shauna to Sherlock as he closed the door to his room. “I thought I could use the time to brainstorm with you on how to get back into the forest.”

The occupants already in Sherlock’s room greeted Shauna as she took a seat next to Joanna on Sherlock’s bed. She wondered why Sherlock’s brother, twin cousins and Otterey twins were in his room.

“So Sherlock, Shauna, tell us what you encountered in the forest,” said Sherlock’s youngest brother Matthias who was sitting down on a chair.

“We came across two men looking for an ancient artifact said to be buried in the Enchanted Forest,” answered Sherlock as he handed a cup of tea to Shauna who then promptly thanked him.

“Really bad men. They threatened to torture some students who were with us,” added Shauna before taking a sip out of her cup of tea. Joanna let out a loud and audible gasp while the look of shock was etched on Matthias’ , Joseph’s and the Otterey twin’s face.

“What were you actually doing in the forest that you need to go back?” asked Gideon who was leaning on a wall. “Weren’t you both just for a hike?”

Sherlock and Shauna looked at each other. I guess there’s no use hiding what we really wanted to do from them, thought Sherlock to himself as he took a sip of tea from his tea cup. “Shauna and I were in the forest looking for the artifact the two men also seek.”

“Why the sudden search for it?” asked Joanna.

“It all has to do with the recent robbery at Eragash Bank,” answered Sherlock to his cousin. “What the thief stole from Eragash is one part of a more powerful artifact. The second part, is what is probably buried on Cambroxzen’s grounds.”

“How do you even know it’s buried here on Cambroxzen?” asked Matthias. “And how did those two people know that it might be buried here?”

“We found an ancient map of Cambroxzen in the libraries which lead to a spot in the forest. It was concealed by a concealing charm, so it must have some significance if they didn’t want everyone to see it,” said Shauna before taking another sip out of her cup of tea. Matthias and the rest nodded in agreement to Shauna’s inference.

“And on how those two men knew to look at Cambroxzen for the artifact, I have no clue,” added Sherlock to Shauna’s earlier answer. “That’s why Shauna and I need to get back into the forest. We need to go to that spot showed on the map, and if the artifact is buried there, retrieve it before its too late. We have no idea what they’re going to use it for, but I know this for sure, its not going to be something good”

“I understand your concern,” said Gideon before taking a sip out of his cup of tea.

“Since you twins are here by chance, I was wondering, do you know any way to enter the forest without being detected?” asked Sherlock while he used his wand to produce a water producing charm to fill up his tea pot with hot water.

The Otterey twins looked at each other for a moment before they both shook their head. “ The forest is surprisingly well gated to prevent anyone from going in or getting out,” said Francis

“The only way to enter or exit the forest is through the forest’s sole entrance, which would be probably be guarded by now to prevent anyone from getting in or out of the forest,” added Gideon to his twin brother’s earlier statement.

“We just have to get pass whoever is guarding the entrance. Which shouldn’t be too hard,” voiced Shauna from where she was sitting.

“And how do you propose we do that?” queried Sherlock as he filled up Joanna’s empty tea cup with fresh hot tea.

“We could use invisibility cloaks to get pass them,” answered Shauna.

“Do you have an invisibility cloak? Because I don’t,” said Sherlock who refilled Shauna’s cup with hot tea.

Shauna pressed her two index fingers together. “No, I don’t. Anyone of you have an invisibility cloak to spare?” asked the young Beastkeeper and Beastkeeping for Beginners teacher to the other occupants of Sherlock’s room.

“Students can’t have invisibility cloaks. It’s an illegal item as per academy rules,” said Joseph to Shauna.

“I forgot about that,” Shauna said before covering her face with her hands.

“How about an invisibility charm?” suggested Matthias.

Sherlock stroked his chin. “Good idea. The only problem is, I don’t think I have the skills required to cast an invisibility charm of such complexity.”

“Neither do I,” added Shauna.

“That’s true, only a wizard or witch with exceptional skill and talent can actually cast an invisibility charm that you would require to get into the forest,” voiced Joanna to her oldest cousin. “Not to say that you and Shauna aren’t skilled. You both are.”

Sherlock smiled before tussling his cousin’s hair, much to her annoyance. “You know, if you all have finished studying for Professor Warwick’s charm test on Monday, Shauna and I could really use your help on figuring how to get back into the Enchanted Forest,” said Sherlock as he placed his tea pot at its usual place.

“Gideon and I would be delighted to help you Sherlock,” said Francis excitedly. “Isn’t that right, Gideon?”

Gideon chuckled. “Sure, why not? Beats mindlessly staring at the ceiling in bed.”

“Both Joseph and I would like to stay and brainstorm with you as well,” announced Joanna to the gathered group.

“Excellent! How about you Matthias ? Care to join us?” asked Sherlock to his younger brother.

“Come on Matthias, its not like you have anything better to do when you get back to the dorms,” said Joseph to his cousin who was a few months younger than him.

“Sure, I’ll join you guys. Like Joseph said, I have nothing better to do,” said Matthias.

The rest of the evening was spent on coming up with ideas on how to enter the Enchanted Forest over hot tea and pastries in which Joanna had summoned from her dorm room with a summoning charm. Ideas on how to enter the Enchanted Forest ranged from digging a tunnel to reach the forest to using a persona alteration potion to turn into one of the groundskeepers to get into the forest. Unfortunately, none of the ideas brought forth were conceivable to do. Digging a tunnel would attract far too much attention and brewing a persona alteration potion was near impossible without any sort hair or fingernail of the person they wanted to turn into it.

Eventually after hours of brainstorming into the late hours of the night, everyone decided to call it a night. Sherlock thanked everyone that had gathered to help brainstorm with him and Shauna. After cleaning the dirty tea cups and removing the pastry crumbs on his bedroom floor with a single wave of his wand, the young wizard prepared to turn in for the night. As he got ready to turn in for the night, his brain couldn’t help it but think of more ideas on how to enter the forest. Hopefully a good idea will come to me in a dream, mused Sherlock as he snapped his fingers to turn off his room’s light. 


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Tue Jan 05, 2016 4:00 pm
megsug wrote a review...



That was an exciting chapter!

First off:

Silenus’ corpse like spirit guardian’s animal form

That's way too many words for one creature. We know it's corpse-like because you've said it about three times before this quote. We only need that one description of the rat and how you can see his skeleton. The reader can see that it's corpse-like from that alone. Do not keep describing the rat as corpse-like. You shouldn't even do it once as far as I'm concerned. Get rid of the word from this chapter all together.

That being said, I like this spirit guardian thing. It's the farthest from HP you've gotten (though I guess it's really like a patronus now that I'm really thinking about it...). Does everyone have a spirit guardian?

The two or three paragraphs you built up for suspense only to have it be Silenus again where Alrick is telling Silenus to show himself is useless and annoying. I was expecting a surprise but only found out I'd been played. That's a little frustrating.

One thing you need to keep in mind is that repetition isn't just something you should watch out for within a chapter but without. For instance. We don't need to know that Sherlock's bath was cold and got all the dirt and soot off twice.

For a complicated charm, the invisibility charm looked pretty easy to me. He only said once word. He didn't have to move is wand in a complex pattern... What's so hard about it?

Sherlock and Shauna aren't worried about the kids gossiping? I would think they would want to be a subtle as possible with this situation, especially since they're breaking rules. Shauna didn't show any concern at all when she realized there were people in Sherlock's room. That seems risky to me. I would think they would be cautious at least to start.

I can't wait to see what happens when day breaks...
Megs~




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 8:40 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Whoo, Chalice of Life time! Your name shall now be yiz, as you forgot to answer that question last time. I might as well call you Mr. Rowling, come to think of it. ;) "Care for Magical Fauna teacher..." Such Potter. Most original. *facepalm*

As Alrick neared was nearing the Enchanted Forest, his last each step was quicker than the one before.

A bit of rewording with this sentence would help.
How am I suppose to get pass them, thought Alrick to himself he tapped his chin quickly.

Looks like you accidentally italicized the whole thing, silly. The part I underlined shouldn't be italicized.
“If only I had an invisibility cloak right now,”

Stay awaaay from Harry Potter, yiz! Here's another thing: Replace the "len" in Silenus with "ri". What do you get? Sirius. I guess that's kind of a long shot, but those names do seem awfully similar to me.
Alrick reluctantly chased after it, trying to keep up with it.

Less repetition.
He had briefly entertained Sherlock’s suggestion on sending Professor Warrington and Charms Master Warwick or any other teacher, for that matter, into the forest to look for the intruders, but as he but eventually dismissed the thought altogether as they were merely educators They did not have the training and, quite possibly, the skills to handle situations like ...? Eden read the letter he wrote one more time before he picked up his wand which was lying in front of him.

Woah. That looks like a whole paragraph, but it's really a whole sentence! I edited it for you - each star represents where a new sentence should begin.
Eden quickly tapped the hovering letter and it proceeded to fly out of his office and towards the direction of London.

Good, originality! I was worried he was going to have an owl deliver it. >.<
who is locked up in Arzhamtroz?

I'm sorry, but *cringe.* That is sooo close to Azkaban. If you insist on having a wizard prison in this story at all, please don't make it start with an "A" and have a "z" in it. And it sounds like Sirius/Silensus might be a Prisoner of Arzhamtroz/Azkaban sometime soon.
brewing a persona alteration potion was near impossible without any sort hair or fingernail of the person they wanted to turn into it.

I'm just pointing out the similarities so you know what to watch out for.
he snapped his fingers to turn off his room’s light.


You certainly have a good story going! I love that it's from the teachers' point of view, as that's something unlike anything Harry Potter. My favorite part from this chapter was the last scene, where all the students are conferring with Sherlock and Shauna. It was sweet to see those character interactions. It was a bit confusing when it came to who's who and how this person is related to this person, but that's probably because I haven't read this novel and its currently published chapters in its entirety.

Your character development is your strong point. Your weak point? You can probably guess it yourself: originality. But that's an easy fix! I can tell that you know what you're doing plot and character-wise, so please, keep up the excellent work! Just please stay away from Mr. Potter! Or else I'll call you Mr. Rowling. Hey, maybe that's been your plan the whole time. You just want me to call you that...

Until next time, write, write, write!




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the review Wolfie. I really appreciate it. Sorry for not answering your question the last time. I know I have a problem in terms of the originality department. Do you have any words of wisdom on what to do in that regard?



Wolfi says...


Of course! Sometimes, it's hard to realize that what you're writing is unoriginal. I discovered that myself when I came up with this whole epic fancy plot for a novel and told my friend about it, who in turn said, "That sounds just like Eragon." As I processed that, I realized she was 100% correct. The characters, setting, and genre were different, but the plot? It was essentially identical! That was many years ago, and since then I've developed the plot and changed my characters so that it's entirely my own story. That's what helped me realize it: someone told me. Now that you've seen some things that could use fixing, you'll probably do better from now on. You're aware of what you need to watch for. I can always help you look for those HP parallels. But most importantly, you have to keep writing! You can't mull over the fact that your book might be too unoriginal. Just write like you're doing, and your reviewers will help you out!



yizhongt says...


Thanks for offering to help searching the story for HP parallels. It would be greatly appreciated.



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Sat Sep 19, 2015 8:07 pm
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ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey!

I'm here for a requested review, obviously. :) I've read through the before chapters, and have brief thoughts on them below. I'll try and focus on this chapter though, as this is the one I was asked to review!

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 ">
Prologue:
Okay. So, the prologue did manage to leave me wanting more, which is good. The battle scene made up almost the whole entire chapter, and seemed to drag on a bit too long for my personal preference. Right now my main questions I hope to see answered are who the good guys are, and who the bad guys are. For some reason, I almost feel like the Dark Circle are the dangerous people; especially now that a person has decided to walk off a cliff just to try and stand up for his people. That really caught me off guard, but in a good way. (Excuse the fact that I'm not calling your characters by name, I haven't quite grasped on to the spelling of their names yet.) I'm also curious as too the small details, such as why Naxzoras' spells have a green glow, and the Other People has blue glows. In Short: while a tad bit long, the prologue was still very interesting.

Chapter 1:
Hmm.. I'm sure my opinions on this chapter exactly. It's not that I didn't like it, it was just mostly a information chapter, so it'll take a bit longer to fully process in my idiot brain. My main thoughts were; Wow, I like that kids/magical creatures go to a school about magic. Hmm, they have "houses" that'll be interesting. I saw were other reviewers compared this to Harry Potter; I personally haven't read HP so I don't make this connection. In Short: A good chapter, just not my most favorite as I'm a bit of a dumbo with important info.

Chapter 2:
Holy shoot its Nax- dang it I forgot his name...- Naxzoras (please let that be right...)! Ok, he's totally the bad guy, am I right? So he's Silenus' Master. Ooh, I like this addition to the story. As for the other half, it's a bit bland. Your characters just seem to fall flat to me; I'm not sensing any emotion from them. You portrayed "Master" and Silenus very well, but you've fallen flat with Shauna and Sherlock (why did I think his name was Sebastian *facepalm*) They both to me, are just names on a page with a teaching status, as of now. I really hope to see more character development from them in the future.
I also can't help but admire how simply lazy their lifestyle is. They don't even have to get up to put their plates in the sink!
In Short: I love the plot of this, it's just seems so... Lifeless at times. You've got a great story, but little emotion from characters to back it
up.

Chapter 3:
Hmm. I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter either. I noticed a bit more emotion coming through, which I enjoyed. I haven't really gathered full thoughts on this chapter as a whole quite yet. I did enjoy the exchange between Sherlock and Charles. I'm actually really suspicious about Charles, he seems like he's up to something. And I'm excited to see what Sherlock and Shauna find at this mysterious location marked by a red dot. :)

Chapter 4:
Ah snap. Silenus is getting snappy. I really wasn't expecting that from him. I dunno, I guess I almost though of him as a scared little servant type person (like the hunchbacks who always go around saying "yes master") at first; not the kinda person to threaten your family.
I enjoyed the dueling section of this chapter. :)
OH MY GOD THEIR GONNA GET THE GEM BEFORE SHERLOCK!!!! (Ok, I'm calm now. Maybe)

Chapter 5:
Oh my gosh twins! (I'm a huge fan of twins, I dunno why.) Ima just keep this short and say I loved this chapter. As a note: you are getting better with emotions shining through. :)

Chapter 6:
Hmm. This chapter was rather long, and a tad bit boring. It managed to keep my attention, I just felt like certain things dragged on way to long. We're also on the borderline of losing readers; not a good thing. I'd suggest cutting out some of the dialog and waiting around, and make this a bit more to the point. Such as; enter the forest, see unicorn (or maybe cut this out. I liked the unicorn, I'm just not sure how important it really is too the story.), find group of kids, walk for 1 paragraph or so, before finding the cloaked figures. Sure that sounds exactly like what you've written, so it's probably not much help at all. Just remember: if it isn't important, cut it out. This will hopefully keep readers attention. In Short: it's a good chapter, just long and borderline boring.

Chapter 7:
Yes, here's the action I've been wanting. I loved this a chapter, A LOT! :)

Chapter 8:
I don't like this Eden guy... He's working against Sherlock. I suspect he may be working with Silenus. No? Ok. I guess he's just a mean old headmaster. Another good chapter!

Chapter 9:
I really liked this chapter. Everything about it was well done. While it was a tad long, it held my attention until the end bit. I just wasn't a huge fan of all the dialog and brainstorming, it seemed to drag on a little too long. But you've improved immensely since the first chapter, and I really like this story.


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> At the beginning your characters had little to no emotion, but now I finally feel like I know them. So congrats on your character development!


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> I just wanna applaud you for all your improvement since the first chapter. This is a really good novel you've got going :)


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 ">
How am I suppose to get pass them, thought Alrick to himself he tapped his chin quickly. Maybe I could tell them that I need some plants for my potion making class? No, that won’t work. Something tells me that they won’t let me in. And even if they did, I have a feeling that I would need to be escorted.

I’m lucky they didn’t cast a magic detector or a disenchantment line at the entrance, thought Alrick to himself as he passed the three groundskeepers and entered the forest undetected

Perfect, thought Eden to himself as he took in a huge wiff before walking back to his desk.

Perhaps I could take Silenus down right here and end this sordid affair, thought Alrick to himself as he saw the state of Silenus’ two companions.

(Sordid is also a weird word that I honestly don't like the use of. Maybe "horrid" would sound better :) )
One day I’ll get you Silenus, one day.

(I didn't put this one in bold, as it's the whole quote)
Now who could that be, thought Sherlock as he walked to the door to see who it was.

I guess there’s no use hiding what we really wanted to do from them, thought Sherlock to himself as he took a sip of tea from his tea cup

The parts I've put in bold would read better if they were put in italics, so we know that they are inner-thoughts.

“Show yourself !” said Alrick firmly without raising his voice.

There doesn't need to be a space between "yourself" and the exclamation mark.
“Show yourself Silenus !” repeated Alrick firmly yet again.

Same as above, no space is needed between "Silenus" and the exclamation point.

He gripped his wand slightly tighter.

You need a "his" where I've added one. :)

Get on with it Silenus, Alrick said to himself, annoyed.

Either put "Get on with it Silenus" between quotation marks, or in italics.

“Follow the my spirit guardian, Alrick,” instructed Silenus through his spirit guardian finally as it continued to hover

I slashed out "the", but you could either get of "the" or "my", depending on which you'd rather have the sentence say.

Alrick reluctantly chased after it, trying to keep up it.

Either get rid of the final "it" or add a "with" between "up" and the last "it" :)

The young wizard entered the cave, following closely behind Silenus’ s spirit guardian which had entered the cave.

We know that the spirit guardian entered the cave since Alrick went into the cave, so the part I've slashed out isn't needed.

“Of course it has ! The problem is, its that it’s not reliable, ” answered Francis from where he was sitting, which was by Sherlock’s oak bookshelf.

“Do you have an invisibility cloak ? Because I don’t,” said Sherlock who refilled Shauna’s cup with hot tea.

“Excellent ! How about you Matthias ? Care to join us?” asked Sherlock to his younger brother.

Get rid of the space between the two bolded parts with these :)


Well I think it's time for me to eat a well deserved pizza. Have a good day!

~Myth




yizhongt says...


Thank you so much for the review and your kind words of encouragement. And for reading everything up until Chapter 9. Really appreciate it. I'll start making those changes you listed right away.


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No problem! I really enjoyed reading your story. :)




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