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Young Writers Society


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Chalice of Life: Chapter 7

by yizhongt


“Who are you people?” demanded Sherlock, his wand still pointing at the two mysterious figures standing in front of him and the rest of the group; ready to be used at a moment’s notice.

Silence.

“He asked you a question,” said Melville loudly from where he stood. He had tried to stand side by side with Sherlock, but his teacher had kept him back with his free left hand.

The two mysterious figures looked at each other, as though they were conferring with one another. “We are people searching for, information,” said the larger of the two with a typical accent from the southern part of the United States.

Information on what? thought Sherlock to himself. Then it struck the young teacher. Are these people looking for the Gem of Immortality? If so, how did they get onto the island? There should be an anti-teleportation spell around the island preventing people from getting onto the island without anyone’s knowledge.

“What sort of information do you want?” asked Shauna to the two, voicing what Sherlock was thinking. She still held her wand up.

This time it was the shorter and thinner of the two which spoke. “Information on a certain artefact that is said to be buried on the island. We thought that asking two academic staff would be a good place to start our hunt.”

How do they know that Shauna and I are part of Cambroxzen’s staff? Are they former students? No, they sound too old, and the wrinkles on they're hands tell me that their old. Maybe their children attend Cambroxzen? Snap out of it Sherlock, you’re asking yourself too many questions. “Well we’re not going to give any information to strangers, even if we did know anything about it,” lied Sherlock with a firm and serious voice. Shauna nodded in response. I really hope they can’t read my mind, or Shauna’s. Lest they catch us in a lie, remarked Sherlock to himself. The five kids standing behind them didn’t say a word.

“Well that’s unfortunate,” said the larger man menacingly.

“I guess we would have to torture you for information then,” added the thinner man. “Or maybe your lips will loosen if we tortured the children instead.” Except for Melville and Andrew, the other three stood closer behind Sherlock and Shauna, as if trying to hide behind them. Allana and Carina were close to tears while Elliot was trembling.

“Monsters! How can you even consider torturing innocent children?” shouted Shauna angrily, whose eyes reflected shock as well as anger upon hearing what the thinner man had just said.

“In our quest to find what we seek, no method will be left unused,” replied the thinner man. “Now tell us what we want to know, or we will duel you, and then torture you when we have defeated you.”

“You’ll find that we are not so easy to defeat,” replied Sherlock, trying to mask any sort of fear or doubt in his voice. Beads of sweat trickled down the back of his neck. He gripped his wand tighter as his palms were sweaty from anxiety. I hope I’m still as good as a duellist as I remembered. Sherlock looked over to Shauna, I hope Shauna’s duelling skill is still as good as it was when we went to school too.

Iniuriam!” shouted the larger of the two men. A red bolt of energy surged out of his short and blocky wand and sped towards Sherlock and the rest of his group. The air crackled as the curse sped through the air.

Sherlock quickly raising his wand horizontally, deflected the curse. He staggered back slightly due to the force of the curse. The shield charm he had cast non-verbally emitted a bright blue flash, and was barely able to contain the destructive force of the curse. That’s one strong curse, thought Sherlock to himself, these people are no lightweights.Debilito,” shouted Sherlock in return, firing a stunning spell towards the two. Shauna followed suit, firing her own stunning spell.

The two men parried the spell with graceful ease. " A stunning spell? Weak!" the bigger man snapped. "I wasn't expecting such mediocrity from Cambroxen teachers", he said before deflecting another bolt of the stunning spell. 

“A stunning spell? A stunning spell? Pathetic,” taunted the thinner man as well as he paried another stunning spell with ease. “I’ll show you what a real spell is.” He aimed his slightly gnarled wand at Shauna before firing a green fiery ball of energy towards her.

Shauna blocked the spell fired towards her, but the immense force of the spell forced her off her feet. The bigger sized man then fired his own spell towards Shauna, trying to take advantage of her being thrown of her feet.

Protegat Amplus!” yelled Sherlock, producing a large enough shield spell to protect the entire group. His shield spell let out large flashes of blue light as it deflected the spell aimed towards Shauna and another spell with was aimed at him. Shauna with the help of Allana and Carina manage to get back on her feet.

Shauna aimed her wand towards the thin man as soon as she got on her feet. There was a glint of anger in her eyes and a scowl on her face. “Petramfors Totus!” yelled Shauna. The curse she had cast surged out of her wand and towards her intended target.

The thin man deflected the curse aimed towards him, hitting a tree and turning it immediately into solid stone. “A petrification curse. Much better, much better, but not good enough,” said the thin man as he prepared to fire his own spell.

“Well how about this then,” said Sherlock, interrupting the thin man.“Incendium Circumactio!” Sherlock’s wand shot out a spinning and dancing flame that sped towards the thin man and his partner. The two men deflected Sherlock’s spell, producing two brief flashes of light.

Melville tried to join Sherlock and Shauna yet again, but Sherlock with his free hand pushed him back yet again. “Stay behind us Melville! This is not one of your practice duels at the academy. This is real,” said Sherlock as deflected yet another curse aimed towards him

“I can help!” voiced Melville who had his wand drawn. A curse flew pass Melville’s head, missing the top of his head only by inches.

“Get behind us!” yelled Sherlock again as he deflected yet another spell aimed towards the group.Sherlock saw what Melvin tried to do, and raised his eyebrow. In another occasion, he might encourage this kind of bravery but not right now. They were fighting a losing battle. Shauna and him couldn't take them on as best as they could since they needed to consider the students' safety. They needed to retreat. “Shauna, we have to fall back.”

“Agreed,” said Shauna as she deflected a spell aimed at her before firing back her own spell.

“I’ll hold them off while you take the kids and run,” said Sherlock to Shauna as he deflected yet another curse, this one almost breaking his shield charm.

“Sherlock you can’t -”Shauna said with a look of concern etched on her face as she deflected another spell aimed towards the group.

“I can, don’t you worry,” assured Sherlock with a weak smile. “When I give the signal, take the kids and run as fast as you can to the old willow tree we passed. I’ll follow behind as soon as I can.” Shauna nodded. Sherlock deflected yet another curse before he aimed his wand towards the two wizards he and Shauna were fighting. “Cinisia Caligio!” shouted Sherlock. As soon as Sherlock had uttered that word, his wand produced a thick black ash cloud. “Shauna take the kids and run, now!”

“Come on kids, let’s go,” Shauna said. Allana, Carina, Elliot and Andrew obeyed, and ran ahead of her. Melville on the other hand would not budge. “Mr. Savage, this is no time to be stubborn!” He still did not budge. The thick ash cloud that Sherlock had cast was beginning to dissipate slowly, even though he was trying his best to keep it as thick as possible. The two men had started to fire their spells wildly in the hopes of hitting something. Thankfully, they did not manage to hit anything. Shauna aimed her wand towards Melville. I’m not going to be remotely sorry for doing this, remarked Shauna to herself.“Levocorpia,”said Shauna. Melville instantly was lifted into the air.

“Put me down! Put me down!” demanded Melville as he flailed his arms and legs in the air. Shauna did not bother to respond to his demand. Instead she started to run, with Melville levitating in front of her, still flailing his arms and legs. The other four did not run far yet, and Shauna could still see their little figures in the distance. She hoped she would be fast enough to catch up with them.

Sherlock turned to see that Shauna and the rest had gotten away. Alright then, time for the pyrotechnic show to begin. Sherlock’s wand stopped producing the thick black ash cloud it was producing. The cloud started to dissipate, to the point where he could vaguely see the figures of the two men. It was clear they were using a spell to try and clear away the cloud of ash. Better act quickly, said Sherlock to himself. His wand fired a miniature fireball which headed to the ash cloud. The ash cloud ignited in a series of small explosions as the fireball came in contact with it. Sherlock covered his eyes to protect them from the blinding light of the explosion. That should do it, thought Sherlock to himself as he wiped away the sweat on his brow, but just in case. He reached into his hiking jacket’s inner pocket and pulled out the distractonator that Gideon had handed over to him earlier. I don’t think Gideon would mind if I used it instead of turning it in to the discipline master, thought Sherlock to himself as he twisted it to activate it. He threw the distractanotor in the opposite direction from the direction the rest had used to make their escape before running off to join them.

Shauna and the rest were resting beneath an old willow tree, out of breathe from all the running they did. She and the rest had heard the explosion and saw a massive plume of smoke that rose from where the sound of the explosion came from. I hope Sherlock managed to get away, thought Shauna worriedly to herself as she sat down and leaned against the old willow tree to catch her breath. Allana, Carina and Elliot were also sitting down, they were in too much shock to talk at the moment. Andrew on the other hand was busy writing down notes in his notebook, but Shauna could see that he frightened as his writing hand was trembling. Melville meanwhile just sat silently against the old tree after Shauna had placed a sleeping spell on him.

A few moments had gone by since Shauna and the rest heard the explosion, and Shauna was starting to worry. Where’s Sherlock? He should be here by now, unless…Shauna’s train of thought was interrupted when she heard the loud rustling of bushes in front of her. She stood up and drew her elegantly carved chestnut wand, readying herself for anything. To her relief, it was Sherlock who was standing in front of her, panting. His face and clothing was covered in ash from the spell he had used earlier on.

“Sherlock!” yelled Shauna joyfully as she rushed over and hugged him. The smell of ash on his person tickled her nose. “Are you alright?” she asked him.

“I think so,” replied Sherlock between breaths. “How are the children?” he asked with a look of concern etched on his ashen face.

“Physically they’re fine, but I’m not sure whether they are mentally. I think they need to see Doctor Heron for some counselling when we get back.”

Sherlock nodded in agreement with his childhood friend’s assessment. “I think we should make our way back to the castle and report this incident to the headmaster immediately. I have a bad feeling that those two have friends lurking about in the forest. Best we head back.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Shauna. 

**********************************************

Silenus and his search partner reached the area in which they had seen the plume of smoke originate from. What they saw in front of them besides the burnt trees, were their two fellow Dread Bringer lying on the ground, their bodies suffering from burns of varying degrees.

“Ludwig, see whether they are still alive,” ordered Silenus with no hint of emotion in his voice.

Ludwig nodded before walking over to his two comrades lying on the ground. His well-built figure hovered over his comrades. He took a moment to look at them and their injuries. “They’re alive!” he said with a deep accented German voice.

Silenus nodded. “Heal them as well as you can before moving them. We cannot stay here long,” ordered Silenus before he drew his slightly gnarled and blocky wand, and walked off.


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Thu Dec 10, 2015 9:27 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey~
Okay, a lot happened in this chapter. I think this is good for your plot which was dragging before now.

I think the reason you're getting so many complaints that this is slow and boring is because, for an action filled chapter, it has a lot of long paragraphs. Long paragraphs and long sentences don't reflect urgency which is what you're trying to go for here. Shortening paragraphs and sentences simply comes down to trimming down words and cutting out anything unnecessary which means repetition which you're still struggling with. The second problem I think you're having is thoughts and action scenes don't go well together. Even if a character had that two or three lined thought in a split second, it takes more time than that to read, so it slows down your pace. If you can cut the thoughts out all together and replace the information the thoughts give with narration.

You're problem with the argument of the kids not staying in the forest being strong enough is a real one. Maybe they do send them back, but since the two teachers are going on together (which seemed to be the original plan) the kids could get taken by the Dread Bringers on their way back or maybe not even listen the teachers and turn back around (Melville seems like enough of a butt to do something like that and bring others with him).

Finally... Their plan was to ask teachers about the Gem I'm assuming... so they bury themselves underground and wait for someone to stumble upon them? What? That's ridiculous.

I love Silenus too much. He just makes me happy. I know something's being stirred up wherever he is.
I'll get to Chapter 8 tomorrow,
Megs~




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Tue Nov 24, 2015 3:50 pm
elysian wrote a review...



Hello!

Finally to the chapter that you wanted me to review, sorry for how long it took!

Just to Review:

Spoiler! :
cutting out extra information
repetition
sentence flow
your writing was plain
being more clear on what's happening.
setting.
adding more history/background/development
REPETITION
more character complexity
boring descriptions
being more clear what character you are writing as
not making this a remake of Harry Potter
pronouns
pRONOUNS
PRONOUNS
make scenes more clear
make it obvious where we are (setting) was in the story
Silenus and Sherlock = how are they related?
your story is too Harry Potter - find originality!
make the magic more magical and interesting
be more concise, too wordy in some places
show not tell


Alright, let's finally get into this!

Sherlock quickly raising his wand horizontally, deflected the curse. He staggered back slightly due to the force of the curse.


curse is mentioned twice, how about spell? energy?

and again, I want to know more about what these curses and powers do! weird bolts of energy? borrriiiiiiing. I need more!

another thing, this is very fast pace, I would enjoy it better if it dragged out longer. Maybe the two figures don't tell them their plan, and tag along with them. They all find the artifact, and then the two figures try to take it and they fight. I don't know, I just think that it was really fast moving.

The thin man deflected the curse aimed towards him, hitting a tree and turning it immediately into solid stone. “A petrification curse. Much better, much better, but not good enough,” said the thin man as he prepared to fire his own spell.


I like this, cause it gives me a sense on what the spell does :-)


I’m not going to be remotely sorry for doing this, remarked Shauna to herself.“Levocorpia,”said Shauna. Melville instantly was lifted into the air.


two things:

1. Did this all of a sudden become third person omniscient? I shouldn't know what anyone but what the main character of the chapter is thinking, unless they say their thoughts out loud.

2. "'Levocorpia," said Shauna." make this Shauna said, or muttered, or whispered, or yelled.

yeah, there's multiple times that you're switching what person you're writing in, try to look over that.

Okaaay so, this chapter honestly was rather boring for me. I wanted to enjoy it, and some of it was good, but I just thought it could have been written in a more engaging way, and not so cliche. I'm just missing the originality in this chapter. I like the idea of them finally meeting, but I just think this wasn't how it should've gone.

Also, did the headmaster know that Shuana and Sherlock were in the woods and what they were looking for? Why don't they tell the headmaster but then the headmaster wants to keep it quiet as to not frighten anyone, and the kids' memories are erased with magic? just some suggestions that would make more sense.

also, it would've made more sense for the teachers to escort the kids to the building instead of leading them into a dangerous situation, and just tell guards to keep close watch on each of them, or again, erase their memories.

just some suggestions! Off to the next ~

-Del




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Sun Aug 09, 2015 8:37 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, here's the requested review. :) Sorry for taking too long. I would go with the grammar first before commenting on other things.

“Who are you people?” demanded Sherlock, his wand still pointing at the two mysterious figures standing in front of him and the rest of the group; ready to be used at a moment’s notice.


I want to talk about the use of semicolon here. Here's what the Wikipedia said about it:

The semicolon or semi-colon (;) is a punctuation mark that separates major sentence elements. A semicolon can be used between two closely related independent clauses, provided they are not already joined by a coordinating conjunction.


An independent clause is one made up by a subject and predicate. Coordinating conjunctions are words that combined two independent clauses. E.g. "He is smart; he's the top in the class." Subject for both clauses are "he", while predicates are those that follow the subjects. Your sentence doesn't have two independent clauses - in fact, the second part is a passive clause, which means the subject is at the end of it, not the beginning. I suggest replacing the semicolon with a hyphen.

“A stunning spell? A stunning spell? Pathetic,” taunted the thinner man as he deflected another stunning spell with ease.


Regarding repetition, here's a tip: try figuring out what to focus. Here, the stunning spell is deemed pathetic by the thinner man, so focus on that - emphasize it. "A stunning spell? A stunning spell? Pathetic," taunted the thinner man as he deflected another stunning spell with ease.

Alright then, time for the pyrotechnic show to begin then.


Remove either "then".

I admire your bravery kid, but this is not the time or the place. As a matter of fact, we’re fighting a losing battle. Shauna and I can’t take them on effectively as long as we have to protect these kids. We have to retreat.


This thought process is unneeded. In the midst of the battle, I don't think Sherlock would have the time to have this kind of long thought. This apply to other thought processes; it's better to describe them rather than showing them. Here's a sentence that shows Sherlock's admiration and whatnot.

Sherlock saw what Melvin tried to do, and raised his eyebrow. In another occasion, he would encourage this kind of bravery but not right now. They were fighting a losing battle. Shauna and him couldn't take them on as best as they could since they needed to consider the students' safetiness. They needed to retreat.


“I couldn’t agree more,” said Shauna. With that, Sherlock and Shauna with their students made their way back to castle as fast as their tired legs could carry them. The only exception was Melville, who Shauna had refused to wake up, necessitating Sherlock to use a levitating charm to bring him back.


I don't understand this part. Perhaps you can explain it with simpler sentences?

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Shauna. With that, Sherlock and Shauna with their students made their way back to castle as fast as their tired legs could carry them. The only exception was Melville, who Shauna had refused to wake up, necessitating Sherlock to use a levitating charm to bring him back.

Silenus and his search partner reached the area in which they had seen the plume of smoke originate from. What they saw in front of them besides the burnt trees, were their two fellow Dread Bringer lying on the ground, their bodies suffering from burns of varying degrees.


I suggest you keep apart these two paragraphs wider to signal the change of Point of View, in which case I have to ask - is this chapter told by Shauna's PoV or Sherlock's? You should focus on either one, and reveals thoughts by only the chosen one.

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Shauna. With that, Sherlock and Shauna with their students made their way back to castle as fast as their tired legs could carry them. The only exception was Melville, who Shauna had refused to wake up, necessitating Sherlock to use a levitating charm to bring him back.

---

Silenus and his search partner reached the area in which they had seen the plume of smoke originate from. What they saw in front of them besides the burnt trees, were their two fellow Dread Bringer lying on the ground, their bodies suffering from burns of varying degrees.


I don't have much say about this chapter since it's mostly comprises fighting scenes. There is a progress in plot, however, what with the teachers knowing others - bad ones - also want the Chalice of Life. I have to agree with what Hunith said about the students. The argument made to allow them in the forest is really not a strong one. If I'm a teacher and I know this forest is dangerous for them, I would instruct them to avoid it at once. Now that I know Shauna and Sherlock retreated because of them, I understand they are a plot device, really. I hope you can make the reason they should be there stronger.

That is all. Keep up the good job! :D




yizhongt says...


Hey Lightsong, thanks for the review. I'll make the changes you have suggested. On a separate note, do you have any suggestions how to make the argument for the students to stick around more concrete? This is because I really want to use them as a plot device.



Lightsong says...


I really have no idea. I think you need to make major changes; the Dread Bringers threatened the teachers to give information since they held the students hostages. Shauna succeeded rescuing them and Sherlock let them escape by dealing with the Dread Bringers himself before escaping too.



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Sat Aug 08, 2015 4:04 am
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hunith wrote a review...



Hey, Hunith here.

Good job on submitting the latest chapter. Lets jump to business.

i'm gonna start with spellings and mistakes.

“He asked you a question,” said Melville loudly who from where he stood. He had tried to stand side by side with Sherlock, but his teacher had kept him back with his free left hand.


How do they know that Shauna and I are part of Cambroxzen’s staff? Are they former students? No, they sound too old, and the wrinkles on their hands tell me that their they're old. Maybe their children attends attend Cambroxzen? Snap out of it Sherlock, you’re asking yourself too many questions.


“Well we’re not going to give you any information to strangers, even if we did know anything about it,” lied Sherlock with a firm and serious voice. Shauna nodded in response. I really hope they can’t read my mind, or Shauna’s. Less Lest they catch us in a lie, remarked Sherlock to himself.


Personal thoughts:
Now there were some few things i noticed that i want to highlight.

Now i personally have some issues with the events that have led to the end of this chapter.

first off, what's going on?
Lets take a look at this; excerpts from chapter 6

All of a sudden and without warning, two figures burst out from the ground in front of Sherlock and Shauna, as they reached a clearing in the forest. The two Cambroxzen teachers, instinctively and immediately pointed their wands towards the two, ready for anything. The two figures standing in front of them emitted a dark and malicious aura that made the hairs on the back of Sherlock’s neck stand up. They both wore long black robes and had a mask that hid their identity, just like Andrew’s source had said. Like Sherlock and Shauna, they too had their wands drawn, and they were pointed at the group.


from here, it clearly shows that the two strangers are dangerous and bad. so i don't understand why the two teachers are chatting with them as if they were friends.
Maybe it's how you wrote it, but i think that the conversation was too friendly. Like talking to some old enemy of yours.

“Monsters! How can you even consider torturing innocent children?” shouted Shauna angrily, whose eyes reflected shock as well as anger upon hearing what the thinner man had just said.


Here for example, it was as if they had been captured already and the DB were now contemplating what to do with them. Meanwhile this could have been the perfect reason to attack first, now knowing their evil intentions. Don't know whether you get me.

I also felt, the reason for bringing the students along wasn't concrete enough. They should have been sent back and detained. I mean students wandering without permission in the enchanted forest should be punished rather than encouraged. this is just by the way.

though I'm not the writer, i can tell that, the mission of silenus was supposed to be a one of stealth since any commotion could bring the whole of Cambroxen down on their heads.
so upon erupting from the ground, i expected the dread bringers to attack first, talk later. so that they can eliminate anyone who knows they are present.
Likewise i expected the teachers to do same for the safety of the students.

Honestly for dread bringers they didn't strike that measure of dread. You didn't show it.

I couldn't also see the whole fight clearly.
What were the features at the battle ground?
was there anything thing in particular about the environment?
how were the dread bringers complimenting their attacks?
What kind of spells were they using - forbidden? or unknown?.

The whole scene lacked the needed description. How did the attacks feel, according to the Main character?
What was his emotion?

In total, the whole fight scene didn't play out well to me personally. I believed it could have been much better.


Now let get back to the writing itself a bit.

Here i think, there were too many thoughts floating around. Some should have clearly been words.

The two men deflected the stunning spell that were fired to them with ease. A stunning spell? Weak, thought the larger man to himself as he deflected another stunning spell directed towards him.


CHECK OUT REPHRASE:
The two men parried the jinx with graceful ease. " A stunning spell? Weak!" the bigger man snapped, a sinister smile drawing at the corners of his lips. "I wasn't expecting such weakness from Cambroxen teachers", he said before deflecting another jolt of debilito


Overall you've done well, but keep working on your writing.
I noticed that some statements were cheesy and unnecessary.

Here's one
She stood up and drew her elegantly carved chestnut wand, readying herself for anything. To her relief, it was her childhood friend who was standing in front of her Sherlock, panting.


There's more but i think, i've said enough for today.

On the other hand, i loved your spells, they were very creative, especially debilito

Please don't be downhearted if i sounded a little coarse. I like this story and i'd love to see it flourish even more than it's doing now.

As usual, if there's anything you don't get or would like to explain to me, i'm all ears...

that said...

-----signing out-----

~Hunith~




yizhongt says...


Hey Hunith, thanks for yet another informative and much needed review. I will make changes you have suggested. On another note, I'll check out the newest instalment of Hexamon when I have the time.


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hunith says...


when chapter 8 coming out, can't wait...



yizhongt says...


Hey hunith, just letting you know that Chapter 8 of Chalice of Life has been published.


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hunith says...


Ayt



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Fri Aug 07, 2015 7:56 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



I didn't read any of the other chapters so story-wise I can't really say too much. I can nitpick you a bit on spelling and style though.

The two mysterious figures looked at each other, as though they were conferring with one another. “We are people searching for, information,” said the larger of the two with a typical accent from the southern part of the United States.


(I hope that works to quote in reviews, if not sorry) This is going to be nitpicking, but I think a more concise description of the man's accent would be better. Instead of saying "said the larger of the two with a typical accent from the southern part of the United States" you could say "said the larger of the two, with a typical southern drawl" or "typical southern accent".

This time it was the shorter and thinner of the two which spoke. “Information on a certain artefact that is said to be buried on the island. We thought that asking two academic staff would be a good place to start our hunt.”


It's spelled artifact just to let you know lol

“I guess we would have to torture you for information then,” added the thinner man. “Or maybe your lips will loosen if we tortured the children instead.” Except for Melville and Andrew, the other three stood closer behind Sherlock and Shauna, as if trying to hide behind them. Allana and Carina were close to tears while Elliot was trembling.


I like this part. The quickest way to characterize someone as despicable as can be is to show that they're not above harming kids.

I think something you did a really good job in this scene is intensity. There's a lot of tension during the middle part of it with the action. I'd take that attribute and make the most of it, good luck.




yizhongt says...


Thanks for the review and the feedback. I will make the changes as soon as possible.




Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White