People in stories talk about how we all see the same moon, how we all breathe the same air.
But moons and air don’t equate for hugs and words, five thousand feelings of closeness and five thousand feelings of constancy.
There are a million ways to contact you, but what is a smooth glass surface compared to you, whose favorite colors I can list off the top of my head, whose eyes are the warmest shade of brown I can think of? Who makes me laugh and feel at peace, like a port in a storm?
We know each other so well it becomes routine, an endless harmony of our voices and ideas. We tell secrets and we don’t, but we are a road trip apart that I long to take.
I am sick of the moon and air that is one thousand, seven hundred three miles from yours.
I miss home.
I miss you.
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137,956 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here for a short Review Day review!
Formatting
This poem had a refreshingly unique format. Generally I'm not a big fan of paragraph poetry, because it sometimes seems lazy and messy without line breaks, but I liked that the paragraphs here seemed more carefree, while the three lines at the end seemed persistent and bold because they were all around.
Grammar/Flow
One issue with paragraph poetry is it's hard to keep a good flow going and often rhyming/alliteration is lost. You had some consonance in this piece like "list off the top" and "head, whose eyes are the warmest" with the "t", "h", and "s" sound -- a little bit more of this might make the poem flow a bit more and bring those paragraphs chunks together.
In the second line you say "moons" plural and then in the 3rd to last you use "moon" singular. I think it should be singular both times for consistency and then the 3rd to last line might be better as "the moon and are that are one thousand, seven hundred and three miles from yours. <-- Actually here, I'm not entirely sure what "yours" is referring to, maybe it should be "you".
Theme
I took the overall theme to be distance, both emotional and spacial distance from a person and from a place. Now that's a lot to cover in one short poem, but your use of metaphor works to move those concepts along quickly. Because that's a lot of themes to work with I feel like the third stanza doesn't really fit with the rest of the piece in some ways. The third stanza's theme seems to be more about communication and personal attributes of the subject -- this all might be better weaved into the other sections, because it seems pretty removed from the main concept as it is.
Overall
Overall this was an enjoyable read. I liked your word choice, and I liked how you took the concept from the first line that many people likely have heard and then took it to spin it in a new way.
Best of luck in your future writing, and please feel free to let me know if there's something you'd like feedback on in this piece or questions you have about the review.
~alliyah
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
I found this poem with the structure that this is written in to be an odd mix between prose poetry and free-verse, although I'm a little unsure of what you're aiming for here. The first line is quite gripping and pulls the reader in. Unfortunately I can't say this for the set of lines that come directly afterwards--ones that I felt could have been a bit stronger.
What I mean by this is that a sort of different example for 'five thousand' might be more effective than another 'five thousand feelings' because the second usage of that repetition doesn't make all that much sense. Five thousand feelings of constancy? I'm unsure what that means. Being faithful and unchanged by the fact that the speaker misses the other person in this poem very much? That's what I got out of those lines.
With the third stanza, I think more of the lines should be broken up. Instead of just having two questions there can be more for a better flow. After the second 'you' in the first line of the third stanza I'd suggest a question mark because that's a single question. The overall theme and concept of the poem is nice and while I enjoyed the middle portion that acts as the meat and potatoes though the top and bottom buns are on the weaker side. The theme is gotten across. The theme just isn't as hard-hitting as it could potentially be. The full potential of the poem hasn't been unlocked yet. A bit of fine polish might do the trick to make this have a more impactful ending.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi there!
I thought I would pop in for a quick review.
The poem is beautifully written, and if you send this to the person you miss, I'm pretty sure they'll get moved to tears. I must say I loved it.
As far as I can see, spelling and grammar are very good. And punctuation, I don't think we can judge a poem by that either, so in your poem that remains great.
I love the feeling portrayed in every word and verse of it. My favorite part being when you remember that person and how connected you are to her/him. It tells sincere love and the nostalgic thought of home.
Especially the last lines thoroughly moved me because I understand how the poet must feel, missing the people they love.
And then, the start is just excellent. Because in a way it's true. Even the same sun shines over all of mankind, "we breath the same air", but if we are far from each other, how is that going to help us? How is that going to bring us closer to the people we miss & are far away?
Now, as a recommendation, I would separate the lines a bit, so rather than paragraphs they look more like verses. But of course having read the original version as you wrote, even the structure is beautiful to the sight.
Great job! There's so much talent in that poem!!
Rosalia