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Automata

by writervid


First, he’s a boy.

He is machine and gears but first--

he’s a boy.

His skin was once warm--and not from the wires,

and his eyes had once burned with thousands of fires-

but fire starts water,

so he turned it off.

Because boys get hurt--

Because they’re not strong--

Because flesh is weak and feelings feel wrong--

Because he was human.

But now he’s machine,

and his transformation was more than obscene.

-

Second, he’s hiding.

He’s there on the outside--

all his face, all his parts.

But now he takes refuge in cages and

screens

because they don’t feel,

because they’re not real.

Who would have thought he’d be unreal himself?

--

Third, he’s changing.

Watch his eyes turned glazed

and light up like screens;

watch his face turn blank

like he can't really see.

Watch his skin turn to metal--

watch his hair turn to wires--

watch the boy fade away.

He's now a machine.

He'll take refuge in screens--

his new family, his kin--

and old friends came by,

but there's nothing within

of the boy that they knew--

who was once (I was told) built on smiles and sin.

--

He'll still read and write,

still listen, still touch

but he's a robot now;

emotions are always “too much”.

He'll plow on through,

still living--but not

because, today,

he's an automata.


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31 Reviews


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Reviews: 31

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Sat Nov 26, 2016 4:09 am
MoonLitTragedy wrote a review...



I enjoyed this poem. Something I noticed was that a couple of the rhymes seemed a bit forced. I like the descriptive wording used in this poem. A suggestion: try to make the stanzas closer in length. To me, it sort of disrupts the flow of the poem if the stanzas are so different in length. I like how the poem tells a sequential story. Good work!




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Sat Nov 26, 2016 3:49 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

The concept of this poem is interesting, and we always get poems of people being robots and having no emotion, but this puts a new spin to it. Something that I did want to mention is the /difference/ between robots and automata, and that's that they follow a precise sequence of tasks which I couldn't tell if the "First, second, third" was signifying this or not but it would be cool if it was.

The rhyming in the poem is inconsistent, and I suggest you keep it consistent or take it out of the poem. You can either rhyme throughout the whole poem, or keep a rhyme scheme, or at least that's a good rule of thumb for it. This brings me up to the next point which is that the flow is probably the strongest part of the piece for me, but it was both good and bad. I think that your way of punctuation and wording is hit or miss in keeping the flow going. Something that I did want to bring up was line length and that it doesn't really vary in this poem, which is something that gets stale.

As for the imagery of the poem, it isn't really there and there are a lot of possibilities for this poem in terms of that. Describe how it feels to be an automata and describe it. Give the reader more of a reason to care with strong metaphors and similes. Create how the automata acts and the things that are going on around it. The story and its telling itself is one of the weaker parts I found because the poem didn't do much to broaden its vocabulary and it was very elementary in that way, along with the rhymes. Give us more clarity and neatness of this throughout the poem instead of the poem feeling like a mess.

I hope I helped and have a great day!





When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel