Hamburger buns spell out hatred in their seeds,
and walnuts whisper fear against my fingers,
and though I can’t hear it, my good friend tells me
that milk splashes cold desperation against her trembling fingers
that turns to the itching of a thousand mosquito bites caused by a single drop.
We are forgotten by a world that tells us food is a song,
that belts a gluttony of things we can’t have into our ears.
We are defined by the things we can’t have,
the tightening of our throats like when we sing a note that’s too high,
the hunger that settles in our stomachs when the only food there is that we can’t eat,
and those moments in the car when the EpiPen needle sinks into a meaty thigh.
I shouldn’t have eaten that,
should’ve listened to the warning in my tingling lips and my upset stomach,
should’ve read the ingredients,
should’veshould’veshould’ve.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Good evening, fellow poet!
My name is Abigail and I am happy to give you some comments on your work! Any suggestions I give are purely opinionated. Poetry is so free and subjective it's nearly impossible to critique as long as you're conveying a message, which I believe you've done well here.
I have to say I totally thought this was going to be full-on satire, after reading the title and even the first two lines. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing-- I like surprises.
I like the idea and the concept behind those first two lines, and the one about the milk in line 4. However, I think if you work around some wording choices you can make this even more effective.
"hatred", "fear", "cold desperation"
These are extreme words you use to describe hamburger buns, walnuts, and milk. I completely understand where you're coming from...but it took me to nearly the end of the poem to figure it out. If you don't grab us from the get-go it can be hard to keep us until the last line. In my opinion, you can express your extreme emotions about these things by using less extremely descriptive words. Sometimes less is more, if that makes sense. By going over the top, we as readers (or at least I) almost find it harder to believe that you really feel this way. To be more convincing, in my opinion, make it more subtle. Let us question why you're talking about simple things like walnuts and bun seeds. Give us time to wonder, and as we continue to read we realize more and more how serious these situations feel to you-- don't give it all away at the beginning.
The only other critique I might have is super nit-picky, and super opinionated. I'm really into aesthetically pleasing poems. I like the varying lengths of some of your lines, but maybe you could find a way for the poem to visually pop out more or look more interesting? Break into a short stanza, then a long one, followed by a short one, or indent some lines, vary with spacing. Play with it a little.
Last line: love it! That's the kind of thing that sets poetry apart from any other writing-- the freedom to bunch words together and really portray what's going on in your head. Awesome.
Overall I really like it. I think you're doing some great stuff with your writing. Always good to see a piece that reflects the author's personal experience and raises awareness. You've captivated an audience, even if we can't relate to your real life situations. You make us feel like we're in your moment!
Any questions, just let me know! Looking forward to reading more
Hey writervid! It's Quill, here for a review!
First off, I want to say that there was something so comical about your poem. While reading it, both my husband and I were smiling, despite the serious tone of it. At least, for the first few lines. It really has a lot of heart and spirit, and for that, I commend you!
The only mistake I caught is as follows:
Perhaps is that which we can't eat would work better, as it sounds a little... wrong as is.
Overall, this poem was very well-written, very expressive, and definitely deeper than I originally thought after the opening line. I fully enjoyed it.
Always keep writing!