Who She Was

Hello!

The very first thought that came to my mind while/after reading your work was- It's so relatable! Many of the readers feel/felt/feels the same way! So, that was a good work you've done!

So, I see you've got mainly two parts in your poetry. The after and then The before.

The girl in the tucked-in T-shirt

that’s faded to spring up never

Who wears dark makeup with dead smiles,

And wears sadness like her combat boots--all the time,

Who smiles when nobody's watching,

And hurts when everyone is--

She was once

The girl in the T-shirt

bold and bright and free.

She once wore sandals and best friend bracelets

Like the good little girl she was;

She once wore kisses like trophies on her cheek to hide the pain.

She used to smile when everyone watched

And hurt when no one did

She’s the hero in the story, the once upon a
Someday, someday I’ll be great..

Hey! I'm here to review your poem. I really relate to this a lot and it reminds me of myself. I have changed quite a lot over time and this poem reminds me of that.
I can see that this poem is a very emotional poem. I think there are some moments that sound a little weird but I think that if you just read this out loud it will fix those problems.
Anyway that's all I have for now.

Never ever stop writing
Rachel

P.S. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Hi there, here for a review!

"Who smiles when nobody's watching,

And hurts when everyone is--"

I respectfully disagree with the reviewer below. I actually really like this part of the poem. I see what you were trying to do- these lines are almost opposites or inversions of each other, I suppose you could say. I think repeating these lines once toward the end makes the girl in the t-shirt fading away final.

One issue I would like to point is that your rhythm is a bit choppy in some places. For example,

"Who wears dark makeup to cover the circles under her eyes," breaks up even the very start of the poem. I love the premise behind the line, but I think you need to change it up structurally. You could even break up some of the longer lines or simply reword it. I know that some lines need to be longer or shorter for emphasis and such things, but just rethink the timing and flow of some lines.

"She once wore kisses like trophies on her cheek, to hide the pain." I like this line a lot, but you don't need the comma after 'cheek.'

Overall, I like the idea behind the poem. It has a good base, but just a few lines need to be changed up structurally.

Happy writing,

Kali Lennon

Hey, EverWinter here for a review!

So I really like the idea here. Her roots could've turned her into the hero, but she still turned out to be the villain. It's beautiful.

K so first off, at the end, it goes
"Someday came--
and now, that's not who she is"

So I'm feeling like here you could change the dashes to a semi colon, and completely get rid of the "and now" part. I think it would flow better (and I love semi colons for some strange reason XD )

I don't know if I really like the whole repetitively opposites where "She smiles when no one is watching" and "She hurt when no one could see". That just feels repetitive. What you could do is do something like "She laughed for all to see, and cried after they left" or something long those lines. It would just get rid of the whole I'm-reading-the-same-thing-all-over-again feeling. I dunno.

Anyways, I liked this poem, and I think it will out great! You're a marvelous writer and this poem is really good!

See ya later,

Ever