Hey writervid!
I see a lot of potential in this poem and hopefully my review will help you edit it and make it even better. I found that most of the issues here were word issues and a few meaning issues, so I'm going to go stanza by stanza and say what I want to say!
you can find us in a village,onor? some cities on some hills;
you can burn us, you can bend us,
but i'm sorry; we won'tbreak.
Things kind of fell apart in the last line. I don't know why but the flow kind of just...stopped? I think it might have something to do with the repetitive 's' sound in 'us', 'some cities', 'some hills' and 'sorry'. I think if you changed the word 'break' for a different word with an 's' sound it would resolve the issue, but I'm not entirely sure.
youforgedour nerves in a fire-hot forge,
you painted red nailsredwith our own burned blood,
you press ourhandspalms against this stove
and now, we wonder, where's the heat?
I go by a rule to try and not repeat the same words in the same stanza, let alone the same line, so I really think using forge twice in the same stanza just doesn't sound right. I would replace 'forged' with either 'molded' or 'carved'. I would changed 'hands' to 'palms' it sounds better and I don't know, I just like it, so yeah. I was a little confused by 'painted nails' that makes me think of pampering and femininity and this poem just is kind of on the theme of blazing fire and cruelty so it didn't really fit. Also 'burned blood' didn't really do anything for me either. If you want to keep this line, I would move 'red' to before 'nail'.
scarshave stung against our skinlike roars of creatures, cries of souls,
and now you bring us straight to hell.
and now, my dear, i feel a chill.
Scars can't really sting unless you're talking about memories but you used stung in past tense so it makes me think you were using the logic that scars sting (in the past) and that just doesn't make sense (sorry this doesn't make sense xD) but what I'm trying to say is that I don't think this works. I would change scars to something else like wounds. Also the second line of this stanza just doesn't fit in my opinion. You have this fire theme and forge theme and now we have creatures and lost souls. Hell goes along with fire and forge but I think I'd like you to keep your imagery close to the forge and molding and that idea. I love the line 'i feel a chill' that just is so...ah! I have no words! It just works so well because everything else is hot and fire and then you use chill. It works really well.
thank you,love, for this whole new skin;
we are soft and we are sharp
we burn, we bend, we snap, we fall
(so find my ashes on the wind.)
I didn't really get this stanza. I think if you're going for a sarcastic tone you should remove 'love' in the first line. The ending is really poetic and I love it but I don't really get it.
That's all I got. If you have any questions I'd love to answer them. I was really glad I stumbled upon this poem because you obviously have talent and this is really good.
marms
Points: 1335
Reviews: 277
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