you can find us in a village,
on some cities on some hills;
you can burn us, you can bend us,
but i'm sorry; we won't snap.
-
you forged our nerves in a fire-hot forge,
you painted nails red with our own burned blood,
you press our hands against this stove
and now, we wonder, where's the heat?
-
scars have stung against our skin
like roars of creatures, cries of souls,
and now you bring us straight to hell.
and now, my dear, i feel a chill.
-
thank you, love, for this whole skin;
we are soft and we are sharp
we burn, we bend, we snap, we fall
(so find my ashes on the wind.)
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey writervid!
I see a lot of potential in this poem and hopefully my review will help you edit it and make it even better. I found that most of the issues here were word issues and a few meaning issues, so I'm going to go stanza by stanza and say what I want to say!
Things kind of fell apart in the last line. I don't know why but the flow kind of just...stopped? I think it might have something to do with the repetitive 's' sound in 'us', 'some cities', 'some hills' and 'sorry'. I think if you changed the word 'break' for a different word with an 's' sound it would resolve the issue, but I'm not entirely sure.
I go by a rule to try and not repeat the same words in the same stanza, let alone the same line, so I really think using forge twice in the same stanza just doesn't sound right. I would replace 'forged' with either 'molded' or 'carved'. I would changed 'hands' to 'palms' it sounds better and I don't know, I just like it, so yeah. I was a little confused by 'painted nails' that makes me think of pampering and femininity and this poem just is kind of on the theme of blazing fire and cruelty so it didn't really fit. Also 'burned blood' didn't really do anything for me either. If you want to keep this line, I would move 'red' to before 'nail'.
Scars can't really sting unless you're talking about memories but you used stung in past tense so it makes me think you were using the logic that scars sting (in the past) and that just doesn't make sense (sorry this doesn't make sense xD) but what I'm trying to say is that I don't think this works. I would change scars to something else like wounds. Also the second line of this stanza just doesn't fit in my opinion. You have this fire theme and forge theme and now we have creatures and lost souls. Hell goes along with fire and forge but I think I'd like you to keep your imagery close to the forge and molding and that idea. I love the line 'i feel a chill' that just is so...ah! I have no words! It just works so well because everything else is hot and fire and then you use chill. It works really well.
I didn't really get this stanza. I think if you're going for a sarcastic tone you should remove 'love' in the first line. The ending is really poetic and I love it but I don't really get it.
That's all I got. If you have any questions I'd love to answer them. I was really glad I stumbled upon this poem because you obviously have talent and this is really good.
marms
Hello it’s IvoryRose here for a very quick review. First off, good topic. I don’t think it would just be general though. Maybe dramatic or historical fiction would work better with the subject matter. I love how you depicted the witches as people that struggled, but are now stronger than before. Like if you burn them they’ll rise from the ashes. The rhythm was fun, but at the same time shows how they rose above it. Overall great poem!
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, to start this review I noticed a few places are missing commas. Those places would be "you press our hands against this stove", "scars have stung against our skin", "like roars of creatures, cries of souls", "thank you, love, for this whole skin", "we are soft and we are sharp" and "we burn, we bend, we snap, we fall". Otherwise, the poem flowed well and my favorite line or lines, would just have to be "scars have stung against our skin, like roars of creatures, cries of souls". The line, ohh this line just, I can't explain it but this line speaks to me. The way its worded is like caramel. Smooth and shiny.
Now for the meaning! In this poem, you are talking about how you have had enough. You have been pushed to your limit. You have finally cracked and now you are stronger then before. You all of have. All of the ones that have been accused of something they never even did. Of something they can't do.
Also, SALEM WITCH TRIALS WOOOO! One of my favorite time periods in history. Gruesome and horrifying but interesting. ((please excuse my history fangirling.))
Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I CAN SAY THAT NOW! OR HAPPY HANUKA! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!