Young Writers Society

Ayy!

I think there's quite a bit of reduction you can bring about here if you really sat down with some strong coffee. The piece in and of itself is quite good, but there's SOME repetition that is questionable because the point gets a bit obvious after the first mention of meaning. So what you want is:

1. Introduction of concept
2. Vague introduction of downfall
1. Introduction of concept
2. Vague introduction of downfall
3. What you want from life in light of this

So the reduction comes in the form of stanza:

And so I sat there, in either place--

one is winter, another summer--

and felt a sad seep in my bones

until I, too, was sinking slowly,

until I, too, just felt destroyed.

Hey, here for a review!

I really like the title of the poem, when you asked me to review this the title caught my eye, good job on that. I will now jump right into the review part!

The first thing that I did when I started reading the poem is try to make it rhyme inside my head. I gave the lines a swing of singing like, but it just really didn't mesh well. In these lines,

I once took a cup and made some tea
just so I could hear the kettle shriek;
I let it bubble and boil and steep

I threw it, sat, and ripples came
though I saw it was sinking slowly.

I want words on silver tongues
And years on that brassy clock
And a gold impact in my pocket
And maybe, maybe, that's far too much.

This is Kaos here for a review!

The way that the words are worded is the thing that drew me to this poem, and is probably the strength of it. The flow of the poem is strong and doesn't really have too many kinks to work out in it. I do want to say that the amount of questions in this poem gets stale and needs to be cut down on. Questions in poetry are very hit or miss, and they're usually miss because then they're used in large quantities and just go on to ramble without giving any room for description to break through. There are places here and there that could have more punctuation or less, but for the most part you got it down.

The repetition used in this poem to get the message across is something that I enjoyed, but I think it could be improved on, made with more of an emphasis. It's something that I want to still more strongly put with more thought into it. Why are you using repetition? Is it to repeat the thing and then add something new to it? Is it the same format but with a new set of words? Another thing to consider is how often you do this and how far apart you do this. If someone says they like puppies three times, you'll know how much they like puppies because they didn't say it just once, but three times.

The last thing I wanted to touch on was the imagery. I wanted to see more of it but the line length was mostly the same which I suggest varying that up and letting more of it develop. I like what you have here for the descriptions, but give us a bit more detail so the reader is more immersed. Something to admire is that your lines have powerful impact behind them, especially in the last stanza, so mix that with imagery to make the best of both worlds.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

I love the metaphors. Especially when you described making tea. It wasn't just tea. It was a process that both flavored and destroyed the water from what it once was. I thought that was very well done. As for the feels... I come to think of it as both a feeling of curiosity of consequences and a deep sadness when you find out what happens in life. Though it wasn't upbeat, I found it impacting.