Young Writers Society

Hey there! Soo, I've finally come to read William's origin story after seeing the "I love (hate) you, father" poem...

My mind is blown. This is so sad, omg... ;-; Lucas is so freaking cruel-

I think I see another story/poem of urs that is related to William and Lucas, so lemme go over there rq

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This seems like a really tragic piece of backstory here, it started out ever so innocent with just a hint or two of an impending doom, but I never thought said impending doom was going to be quite this crazy here and phew...that was a lot.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,there was a thirteen year old boy named William.His father had started a circus.

He loved to hang out with his Mom,but he also enjoyed visiting his Dad in his circus.He loved to see the animals,the clowns and he loved to hear the music.It was his way of connecting with his Dad.

He worked there,with his Dad,because he wanted to impress him.

But his Dad never seemed impressed,no matter what he did.

When the circus opened,people visited.William met two little girls named Leona and Amelia,whom he had to babysit whenever they visited.He spent less and less time with his Dad.

One Day,when his father told his family that he wanted to turn Leona and Amelia into skeleton-vampire hybrids for his circus,but failed,his Mom patiently told him that it was an inhuman thing to do.

William frowned.What his father tried to do was wrong.He could think of a better way to make the circus more popular.

So,when everyone was asleep,William’s Mom woke up William and told him they would work on the circus.So,they went off to the circus.

Many hours passed.His Dad came rushing to the circus,his eyes were insane.He held a lighter and a knife in his hands.

“Did you..burn the Richardson house down because you were angry?” His Mother asked him.

“Why do you care?! They didn’t listen,so I retaliated!” He yelled.

As quick as lightening,before William could do anything,his Dad raised a knife and killed his Mom.

William was stunned and shocked.

“You’re next,boy! You know too much!” He yelled,advancing towards the teen.

William was backed into a corner.He looked up at his father,with pleading eyes,crying.

“Please..” He said.

“You have to fight and claw your way to power.Remember that,son.” He said.

Then,he stabbed him.

William woke up dead.

That night,William vowed to help anyone,alive or dead,so that they wouldn’t have to suffer a gruesome fate,like he did.

Hey!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

So I haven't read the actual story, so I may not get everything. But since this is the backstory of a character, I am going to treat this as a separate story.

I think it is a good story and has a lot of potential. However, it falls a little flat because of the way you have narrated it. I am sure you have heard of the phrase, 'show not tell'. See, that is what you need to do here. You need to show us these great action scenes that you have got here, the horror he feels when he watches his father kill his mother in his dream, or the relief he feels whe he wakes up. There were so many opportunities for you to delve in deep and really explore these scenes and emotions. Instead, most of the story, it felt like you were narrating a series of events, which does not make it feel as interesting.

Your characters don't feel as felshed out. That's probably because we don't really know anything about them. And when we don't know about characters, we tend to care less about them. And you don't want that here. We need to be able to connect to the story and the characters. For that, you need to add a little more and emotion and thoughts so that they don't just feel like two dimensional figures to us, but real human beings.

The story was also quite fast paced, with one thing happening directly after the other. I feel that if you add the missing details here, you won't face this problem anymore.

The other thing I noticed is that you don't leave any space after punctuations. It makes the text seem a little weird and constricted. Every time you add a period or a comma or any punctuation mark really, just leave a space.

That's all. I am really sorry if I came off as a little harsh. This was a really great attempt. You just need to polish it up a bit. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Keep writing and have a great day!