*This song takes place after Gabriel’s song “My dearest Denise” and “Why do I have to love you?” He starts to doubt their relationship, but brushes off his worries. I have Gacha Club character designs on my wall. This character, whose name is Gabriel, is from my “Town of Richardson” stories. This song is from my “Town of Richardson” stories. Enjoy and Happy almost Halloween season!
INTRO:
“So...my girlfriend...she...she..she’s talking about me behind my back...that’s fine...she and her friends are just joking..”
SONG:
So she’s talking about me behind my back
She’s saying that I’m dumb and stupid
The girl can’t actually mean it
I’m not dumb or stupid
I guess she’s joking with her friends
Or maybe I’m too sensitive
My father always said I needed to get over that
But I can’t help but think-
Does she really love me?
Does she really want to be by side?
Does she care for me at all?
Is there anything behind her eyes?
Maybe I’m worrying too much
Maybe I need to take a breath
But this clown can’t be contained to a tent
Can’t lock my feelings away forever
Hey! Who cares if she shuns me from her friends?
Hey! Who cares if they think I’m not worth anything?
Hey! Who cares about what I have to say?
Because at least she loves me,at least she cares
Even if I wish to decay
William says to not obsess over her
He says it’s unhealthy and I have so much more to love
He says I’m too young for this,he says just be happy
But how am I supposed to be happy when she’s frowning?
How am I supposed to smile when she’s far away by a mile?
I can’t help but love her,I love her face,I love,love,love her voice
I love it when she laughs as I perform
A nice change from her scowl and eye rolls
I...I love her...
But I can’t help but think-
Does she really love me?
Does she really want to be by my side?
Does she care for me at all?
Is there anything behind her eyes?
Maybe I’m worrying too much
Maybe I need to take a breath
But this clown can’t be contained to a tent
Can’t lock my feelings away forever
Hey! Who cares if she shuns me from her friends?
Hey! Who cares if they think I’m not worth anything?
Hey! Who cares about what I have to say?
Because at least she loves me,at least she cares
Even if I’m fading away
Lucas,the lead ringmaster of the circus,says:
“Focus on your job!”
He says:
“Wasn’t this your dream?”
He’s saying:
“Do what you’ve gotta do or your lack of hard work will make me scream!”
Did he forget that I was fourteen?
I know I’m tall as a man, but I’m only just a boy.
Can’t help but keep flashing my gaze to her
Can’t help but think of her smile
Can’t help but think of her soft black hair
Her soft black hair
Her soft black hair
Her soft soft soft soft soft soft soft soft black hair
I wish it were in my hands now
Wish I were stroking it now
Wish I could tell her stories
Of tales of death and sadness and whimsy and glory
She’d listen with open ears and an open heart
She’d speak to me softly and take my hand
No other girl has treated me like she does
They’ve all turned me down or called me gross
Am I gross?
Do I look disgusting?
What’s wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with me?
But I can’t help but think-
Does she really love me?
Does she really want to be by side?
Does she care for me at all?
Is there anything behind her eyes?
Maybe I’m worrying too much
Maybe I need to take a breath
But this clown can’t be contained in a tent
Can’t lock my feelings away forever
Hey! Who cares if she shuns me from her friends?
Hey! Who cares if they think I’m not worth anything?
Hey! Who cares about what I have to say?
Because at least she loves me,at least she cares
Even if I’m always alone, everyday
Am I too young for love?
Am I too young for this job?
Should I seek something else for my life?
Am I letting myself down?
Am I breaking on the inside?
Acting too much like a clown and not like a boy?
What’s wrong with me?
What do I do?
Am I too much?
Should I stop?
Should I let her go?
I don’t want her to leave…
I love her lots…
I want her…
My light, my dream, my heart
My everything
My beloved Denise
My beautiful Denise
My sweet Denise
My perfect Denise
She’d never leave me behind…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I think I might have read the song from Denise's perspective, so it was interesting to get a peek into Gabriel's head as well. If my memory serves correctly, Gabriel is a clown, and Denise is only going out with him because her friends dared her to or else she would get picked on at school.
One thing I enjoyed was the way you structured this song; I loved how in the verses, you talked about how different people all put these expectations on Gabriel and tell him to do things, but then each chorus reinforces his doubt but then ultimately rejects that doubt and reiterates his love for her. I think it was a clever pattern that, despite the song not having an actual tune, gave it a nice rhythm. It made things feel cohesive without feeling repetitive, which was nice.
I also liked how you used questions to really showcase Gabriel's doubt. It was pretty heartbreaking to read, especially knowing the whole thing with Denise isn't actually real, no matter how much Gabriel wishes it was. I think that it also helps to humanize Gabriel as well—seeing things from his side of the story makes me like Denise a little bit less than I did when reading her song. I will say, though, that the questions you used throughout, especially at the end, began to felt quite repetitive. I think that while repetition is important in songs, you don't want to overuse it, or else it just becomes boring and very elementary-seeming. There are a couple of parts that just have questions upon questions in very quick succession, and I feel like it gets muddled and feels overused, so they lose some of their impact. Think carefully about where you want to use your devices and where they'll pack the most punch. Personally, I think the questions towards the end with the big climax were good, but the places in the middle just felt a little confusing.
Specifics
The way that this is phrased almost makes it sound like Gabriel is praying that Denise doesn't love him, which, I think, is the opposite of what you wanted. Like, if you remove the "doubt," it would simply read 'even if I pray,' which when paired with the lines before it ("Because at least she loves me,at least she cares") makes it sound like despite his praying, Denise still loves him, which implies that he's praying for her to stop, if that makes sense. I love the rhyme, though, but it would be great if you could find a different word or change the line to preserve the rhyme and give it a clearer meaning.
I think these lines were my favorite—I love a good slant rhyme, and the age-dropping was really well executed.
I wasn't sure exactly what you meant by this—I think you might have meant "Do I look disgusting?"
Overall: nice work! I think this is the best song of yours that I've read so far, though I would love to hear one set to a tune one day! Until next time!
Thanks for your review.
So about the line %u201CEven if I doubt and pray%u201D , would it sound better if I deleted the word %u201Cdoubt%u201D or %u201Cpray%u201D?
The word pray was the one that didn't mesh with the rest of your message, though I wouldn't just erase it entirely! I think finding another word that rhymes and makes sense or rewording the line somehow so that it still rhymes is the best course of action for revision!
Okay.
Thanks a lot! I edited the song a bit.
Hello! I hope you are having a good day or night!
I’ve come to really enjoy reading your lyrics/poetry. It reminds me a bit of being hit over the head with a baseball bat (complimentary) I’m sure I don’t need to tell you you’re quite exceptional at writing horror and confusion, and that translates great over to poetry, creating an unforgettable reading experience! That is to say, I can always distinguish your lyrics from the crowd
My favorite part of this poem was towards the end, when the speaker sings;
Though of course, I’m always partial to a good rhyming scheme. I think my one issue with it is that it’s inconsistent with the rest of the work- having just a single rhyming line can take the readers out of the story, so I’d recommend either having the rest of it rhyme, or none of it.
I have noticed with much of your work your formatting can be a little off. With poetry specifically, I’d recommend breaking things up a bit. As it stands, I think it looks a tad messy, and would have liked to see more creative formatting. (I did noticed you marked this as a lyrical work and not poetry, and this advice does depend on the medium, so take this with a grain of salt)
All in all though, this was an excellent read! I love the tone, concept, and execution of this piece, and look forward to reading more from you in the future! Keep on writing, and have a lovely day/night!