*This is a song from my “Town of Richardson” stories. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. You can find the original song “Two little girls” on my “Scary-ish stories” folder. Enjoy!*
Two little girls
Leona and Amelia Richardson were their names
Both six years old
Such cute little dames
Two little girls
Burned in a fire
Couldn’t survive
The first of Lucas to die
Lucas Ladouceur
The fun man of the circus
Oh, how they trusted him so!
Those two little girls
They didn’t deserve their horrid demise
Their flickering ghosts haunt
“The town of Richardson”
Their lost souls, listen to how they cry!
They’re asking in tears,
Why? Why? Why?
Why did we have to die?
They’re begging for help
Those two little girls
And now they scream in the house that once echoed
With their laughter and singing
Poor Leona and Amelia
They’ve only got each other
Those two little girls…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi! This is Orabella, here to give you a short review.
This is so sad... Those poor little girls...
I love that you keep repeating that line - "two little girls" - That's a powerful way to keep the reader centered on these two, but also make it interesting and important.
The rhyming is spot on. I just love rhymes in poems; it's fine if they don't have them, but to me, they make it better. But I think later on, you don't use rhyming. In the last two verses. It shifts the poem into a different feel, which I really like. It's kinda like how some poems or short stories will end on a note which you didn't expect, but it still totally makes sense. This is like that in a way, but with the overall feeling rather than the words. (Okay, sorry, I'm not sure if that made sense. I like the ending, is what I'm trying to say.)
Thanks for writing this! I really enjoyed it, and I hope to see more works around YWS by you soon! (Even if I might not read them.(Only because I can't really deal with gore, and as a writer that does horror, I assume you have a fair amount of that.))
Keep writing!
Happy RevMo! Gengar here to leave a review!
General Impression Oooh! Such a spooky story! And just in time for Spooky Season, too! It’s kinda funny how it goes from “here’s two little children!” To “they both died tragically in a fire”… funny in a sad way, that is
What I Liked: I liked the emotions of tragedy evoked in this poem. The last two stanzas really bring out just how terrifying and horrible their situation is.
Areas of Improvement Since this is a lyrical poem, I feel that some of the non-rhyming lines kind of stick out and break the flow. I think that maybe the longer lines can be broken up to make it more consistent.
I hope my review could be helpful! I wish you a good day/night.
—GengarIsBestBoy