The monster within | Chapter Five |

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this is quite the piece here once again as I dive into yet another tale in an effort to do some rescuing from the green room. I think this one's quite an intriguing chapter, looks like we're right at the part where things are beginning to heat up here.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

It’s lunchtime now. Somehow, Nicole’s impromptu makeup is working in concealing our true nature so far. I tease her for spending so much time at the mirror, but I never thought that there would come a time that it would be useful. Thanks, Nicole. You’re really helpful.

Me and the others are sitting at our usual spot. Kellen is looking at me. He’s judging me. He’s totally judging me. I can tell. He knows something is up. I haven’t said a word and now he’s onto me.

Well this does look to be quite a relaxed little situation at the moment. Everyone just sort of going about their day and not exactly up to too much else. I think it definitely creates an interesting tone through that, very relaxed for something with a monster within.

Nicole and I have agreed to tell them the truth after school. That was our plan. It’s been difficult for us to talk without blurting it out, so like…we’ve been silent. On top of that, I found out that I have sharp, yellow teeth in the bathroom a few minutes earlier, so I have to chew carefully so they don’t see my teeth.

Kellen isn’t acting like a werewolf, but then again, he was the most human out of the three of us when we became monsters, so maybe it’s different for him.

“What’s going on with you two?” Kellen asks with a slightly accusatory tone. He’s impatient with our silence, as is Beth. I can tell.

Ooooh well here comes the actual monster parts it would see, love the way you've managed to sneak that into here. I think it works quite well to really match that title. Its a nice little touch, and maybe it seem things are going to be heating up here.

Oh, so he wants to know what’s going on with us? Where should I start? The fact that we’re turning into monsters? The fact that Dr. Hysterical might return? The fact that we’re all possibly in danger?

Where, Kellen, where?! It’s not so easy to answer that question, Kelly m’boy!

I look over at Nicole…aw, gosh darn! She looks just as nervous as I do. I can see it in her panicked, thinking black eyes. She’s trying to come up with something to say, and she better do it soon, because I don’t like the way Beth and Kellen are looking at us. It’s creeping me out. Seriously.

Well things are definitely eating up and oh wow, Dr. Hysterical sounds like an incredible character there. I just absolutely adore that name. That truly sounds hilarious there.

They aren’t expecting anything from me, are they? They better not. My throat has clammed up and gone dry from pure fear. My teeth are biting into my tongue, but it doesn’t hurt as much as their stares.

Please, Nicky-Ricky. Think of something…

Well this is quite the ending, things really getting very heated. I love a good cliffhanger like that, I think it works wonders to really get things going here. Things certainly are moving now.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall I think its a lovely little chapter here. Things really starting to kick off, some nice tension there being built and of course a beautiful little cliffhanger there for us to end proceedings on.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate

Greetings and salutations,
I'm Ast signing in with a quick review.
FIRST IMPRESSION
This little tale maintains a elegant juxtaposition between mysterious and anxious, but at the same time feels natural. It's really unique.
With that tidbit out of the way let's move onto the
MAIN REVIEW

It’s lunchtime now. Somehow, Nicole’s impromptu makeup is working in concealing our true nature so far. I tease her for spending so much time at the mirror, but I never thought that there would come a time that it would be useful. Thanks, Nicole. You’re really helpful.

These first few sentences do a nice job of introducing the character. You can tell that Luke enjoys cracking jokes, which makes him feel more approachable and friendly as a character.

Me and the others are sitting at our usual spot. Kellen is looking at me. He’s judging me. He’s totally judging me. I can tell. He knows something is up. I haven’t said a word and now he’s onto me.

Nicole and I have agreed to tell them the truth after school. That was our plan. It’s been difficult for us to talk without blurting it out, so like…we’ve been silent. On top of that, I found out that I have sharp, yellow teeth in the bathroom a few minutes earlier, so I have to chew carefully so they don’t see my teeth.

Kellen isn’t acting like a werewolf, but then again, he was the most human out of the three of us when we became monsters, so maybe it’s different for him.

In the first paragraph he's talking about how Kellen is 'totally judging' me, then goes all over the place when he starts discussing his teeth, and talking about how Kellen may or may not be one of them.
I noticed that your sentences follow a rhythem of long followed by short an abrupt. It occurs in a single sentence sometimes as well. That's probably why it feels like that.
I'm not nessacarily saying this is bad. I think that pattern can be good for setting up suspense. But remember to vary sentence length, pattern, and rhythem. I'd play around with that for a bit.

Where, Kellen, where?! It’s not so easy to answer that question, Kelly m’boy!

I love that Kelly m'boy lmao also I may or may not have read that as kill em'boy at first. It just contains so much personality.

I look over at Nicole…aw, gosh darn! She looks just as nervous as I do. I can see it in her panicked, thinking black eyes.

The word 'thinking' felt weird? Probably because the word proceeding that ends in 'ed' which is...odd when contrasted with a 'ing' word. The two descriptions also contradict each other in a way. I'd just remove 'thinking' and leave panicked. Her eyes can be either panicked or thinking, but not both.

It’s creeping me out. Seriously.

LOL, my mans literally about to tell his unsuspecting friends that he be a werewolf and he's worried about THEM creeping HIM out XD
There's a clear progression in the story. It's evident what's going on. Luke and CO are going to tell Kellen about their...full moon tendencies, and tension is ripe in the air. I had no issues in that regard.
I do feel however, that Luke's voice could be fleshed out more? I gathered that he's nervous and with that comes a degree of witticisms but...there's nothing else that makes his voice standout. He's obviously that way because of the scrutiny he's under, most likely.
Aaand that wraps up this review. I hope you have a good day/night <333