*This fanfic chapter is underneath my folder titled “The monster within…”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1140. This is a fanfic of the R.L. Stine movie “Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls”. It takes place a year after the events in the movie and the two main characters, Luke and Nicole, are the side characters in the movie. Jake is a nameless little boy Nicole curses to be a frog *briefly* in the movie, I just decided to make him her little brother in this story. She DOES canonically have a little brother but he’s only ever mentioned, so I did that. :> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!*
DANVILLE FAIR-OCTOBER THIRTEENTH-NICOLE
Every year, Danville has a Halloween fair sometime in October. Every year, me and my friends attend.
Well, this year, our families are here with us. Not only that, but Andrea Payton is here too. Two years ago, she went missing. Last year, Beth found her in the cabinet of souls and saved her, so now she’s our friend.
And I’m stuck with her.
What am I supposed to do? Or say? She’s just another person and I hardly know her. How am I supposed to strike up a conversation?
Why do I have to be the conversation starter anyway?
“Are you dressing up for Halloween?” Andrea asks.
Oh. I guess that I don’t have to be the conversation starter.
“No. I don’t really like dressing up.”
“You’re not into that stuff, are you?” Andrea asks, sounding a little surprised.
I sigh. Everybody in Danville likes Halloween. They make it the biggest event in the world. Candy-mouthed kids and apple cider drinking adults take to the streets, reveling in the sight of Halloween decorations. It goes on till midnight.
I used to like it when I was younger, but now, it’s just so exhausting. It’s so much work. Last year was the first time in years since I’ve been out of the house for Halloween. Most of the time, I spend the night at home, watching Halloween movies and eating store bought candy. Jake does all of the stuff now.
I steal some of his candy the next day. My Mom tells me that candy tastes the same no matter where it’s from, but she’s wrong. Candy from trick-or-treating tastes slightly sweeter than the store bought candy.
Everyone always asks me if I’m dressing up, like I’m part of a religion. It’s just Halloween. It’s not even a big holiday, it’s just a day where parents don’t watch over their kids.
It’s annoying how the people here treat Halloween.
“No, I’m not.”
“You’re not?! But-“
“I’m not interested.” I say, trying to be nice.
Andrea doesn’t talk back, but I can tell that she’s shocked. She’s wondering why Halloween isn’t important to me, why I don’t want to participate, why I’m not interested. She’s thinking to herself: How can she be so boring?
Well, the “excitement” from last year was enough.
“Nickel! Nickel!”
Oh great, now Luke has another nickname for me.
Luke’s running up to me, holding a giant cotton candy in his hand.
“For you, Nickel.” Luke grins.
“What about Andrea? Why’d you just get one for me?”
I like sweets, I just don’t like the Danville carnival sweets. They’re not sugary enough.
“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” Andrea smiles, walking away.
“We’re just friends!” I yell after her, but she’s already leaving.
Seriously, why do people think that when a boy gets a girl something, they’re in love?! They could just be friends.
“Cotton candy, Nick-Rick? Cotton candy?” Luke pushes it in front of my face.
“No.”
“Come on, you know you want it.” Luke says. He’s waving it in front of my face, smiling stupidly.
I shouldn’t laugh. I shouldn’t give him satisfaction. I shouldn’t give him the false idea that he has charm.
And yet…
“See, you’re smiling! You’re laughing! You’re smiling and laughing because it’s the best cotton candy in the world. Here.” Luke says, handing it over.
Fine. I guess a little bite won’t harm me.
I bite into the cotton candy. Huh. It’s not so bad. It’s sweet, it’s delicious, it’s-
“Ew!” I spit the saccharine horror into my hands. Is there a garbage can around here? Why, why, why did I put that atrocity in my mouth? I have to get rid of it, fast! I can’t deal with the taffy sweetness, I just can’t.
I’ve found it! A garbage can! I can rejoice!
“You okay?” Luke asks. He’s probably standing next to me.
I look up. Yep, he is.
“Yeah. Now I am.” I say. He hands me a few napkins.
At least he’s not like the Mayor. That guy loves everything about Danville. If he saw me now, he would have said that I was weak for not holding down the cotton candy. Then again, as Mayor, I guess that you have to love your town, even if it is crummy.
“I wanted to give you a treat, now I know not to give witches candy.”
Anddd he’s back to being Luke.
“What? It’s funny.”
I roll my eyes as I wipe my face.
No, it’s not.
“Hey guys.” Kellen says, joining us. Huh. It looks like he got Beth and Andrea Danville’s excessively sweet ice cream. How kind of him.
Glad that he didn’t get me any. Usually he tries getting sweets for everyone, even me, but this time, it looks like he’s come to his senses.
“Hello, people of Danville!”
Chills run down my back. A quiet settles over the crowd.
I’d recognize that voice anywhere.
We turn around, towards where he was last time.
It’s Dr. Hysteria, with Lilith and Hunter.
The whole crew.
“It is an honor to say that this year, all children will get to venture into the House of Horrors.” Dr. Hysteria, smiling. His grin makes me cold. It’s the same one he wore last year. He’s just so sure of himself. He thinks that he’s so much better than us.
“House of Horrors? That’s all he came up with? House of Horrors? He’s got a creativity problem.” Luke smirks.
I bite my lip to stop the laughter, but a flash in Dr. Hysteria’s eyes tells me that he heard Luke’s comment.
Nevertheless, he smiles and continues on with his lies:
“Frights and creeps for all ages, are your children brave enough to survive the terrors awaiting to feast on their young, fresh souls?”
Everyone laughs nervously except for us.
We already know the agenda.
“But of course, there is fun to be had.” Lilith smiles.
Ah, Lilith the life-saver. The “fun-bringer” she said something similar last year.
The town laughs, just like last year. They’re all happy to be comforted. They wouldn’t want anything dangerous around, would they?
Except Hunter isn’t lurking in the shadows this time. Now, he’s at the front, standing proudly, but not as proud as Dr. Hysteria.
“So what are you waiting for? Come, venture today!” Dr. Hysteria exclaims.
Like last year, he throws the flyers up in the air. I reach up and grab one.
“Dr. Hysteria’s House of Horrors, for six and up!”
He’s…he’s going after children now.
Oh no. That means-
“Nicole, guess what?” Jake asks.
Oh no. He’s smiling while holding the flyer up to my face.
“Mom says we can go!” Jake smiles.
“We’ll go this Saturday. Us and Luke’s family.” Mom says, joining us.
Great. Already we’re in trouble.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hey there creeper!
I haven't reviewed anything from you in ages, but I saw this in the Green Room!
so I think this chapter has a very charming middle-grade / YA horror vibe to it. Nicole’s narration is immediately readable because she has such a specific relationship to Danville; she is surrounded by people who adore Halloween, but she experiences it as exhausting and kinda overhyped. that contrast works well because it gives her a personality beyond "main character reacting to plot," especially as that tends to plague a lot of stories. the aside about trick-or-treat candy tasting sweeter than store-bought candy is one of the details I especially liked about this little chapter - it is funny, believable, and childlike without being childish, if that makes sense. it also does what good narration should do, revealing Nicole’s stubbornness / slight cynicism all at once. really neat how much personality you get out of candy discourse here! who knew there were big debates?
also, the Luke / Nicole interaction is the most successful character dynamic in the chapter to me, at least from the little I know about your world. their relationship feels familiar in a good way since it's very teasing, slightly annoying, affectionate, not overly sentimental -> I liked the scene with Nicole insisting they are just friends while still laughing at him. same with how Luke’s nickname habit makes him feel distinct. HOWEVER, I do think some of the dialogue could be tightened so it feels less repetitive. for example, the cotton candy exchange is cute, but "you’re smiling! You’re laughing! You’re smiling and laughing" could be trimmed unless the repetition is meant to be Luke’s specific comedic style. not sure! similarly, Nicole’s internal commentary tends to explain what we already understand, such as Andrea wondering about the boredom. we can infer that from Andrea’s reaction; it isn't that needed, though maybe it's who she is!
the chapter also does a good job transitioning from comedy into a horror plot as well. Dr. Hysteria’s entrance has genuine "oh no, not this guy again" energy because Nicole recognizes the performance from last year. I like that the adults and townspeople laugh nervously while the kids understand the danger; that creates a classic horror-story divide between spectacle and knowledge. reminds me of IT! that said, because this is chapter 17 and I am missing context, the villain scene feels slightly broad on its own? his going after the children is a strong realization, but since the fair already involves children, I wanted a little more specificity about why this plan is worse than last year’s. is the House of Horrors connected to the cabinet of souls?
anyways, the setup is solid! I like the Halloween fair particularly since I always associate your works with that season. very fitting ending for a cliffhanger as well - better be some exciting stuff in the future! I'll be sure to check out the rest of this story, or maybe something else I see in the Green Room!
best,
cocteau
hmm%u2026.yes, it%u2019s connected to the movie. But he captured teens in the movie. Now he%u2019s getting younger kids.
Good morning!
I also like the name cabinet of souls. It kinda sounds like something that should be capitalized!I just want to say that this is an excellent sentence to read:
I also like how Nicole is stressing out about how to handle Andrea xd
I also want to note how nice it is to read this chapter. The narration is solid and the phrasings are easy to read and engaging!
Feels like you could have went with some dialogue tags here: We had a long inner monologue from Nicole just before, so maybe going smthing like: “No, I’m not,” I say, some narration that summaries her feelings on the issue. Then you could have a physical reaction from Andrea. Like Andrea might look at her in shock and then say her sentence?
And please, I beg you. Please look into when to use a comma for your dialogue. It just makes me so sad because I rly want to like your stories and this one is especially pleasant and then I’m disillusioned again bc there’s dialogue that relies on a comma and you use a period instead. Idk why I just cannot unsee it :/
I also feel like you kinda drop the ball on descriptions the moment Luke hands her the cotton candy. I want to know more about where they are and where the others come from and what they are wearing f.e. I cannot envision the scene at all anymore ☹
That said, this is otherwise a solid chapter that moves the plot along and has a central core. Very good 😊