*This is chapter seven of my fanfic “The monster within”. This is a fanfic that’s based off the R.L. Stine movie “Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls”. It takes place a year after the events in the movie. This chapter is underneath my folder titled “The monster within…”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*
LUKE
The bell has to ring. It’s the last class of the day. Math. This class has been going on forever. I can’t stand sitting here in makeup. It’s just so hot.
My tongue hurts. Why does it hurt? It hasn’t been hurting before. Maybe I’ve been biting my tongue too hard. Maybe-
RINGGGGGGGGGGG
Finally! Sweet, glorious, freedom!
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138,304 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
Hi! I'm here with a quick review. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to rush read at least two or three previous chapters, so I don't know the full context of the story. Anyway, I can't give you proper feedback, mainly because even the "intro" to the story itself probably has more words than the chapter itself. I understand that your story probably comes out in small chapters, but maybe it would be better if you combined several such mini-chapters into one chapter. This contribution here sounds more like an introductory paragraph. I don't see any grammatical errors here and I can't really deduce much.
I like the ending - freedom is exactly right name for end of school. Also, the whole piece have a promising sounding - it is just short, so we don't know nothing more about story. So the overall summary of the review goes something like this: no major flaws, but maybe consider linking the chapters.
Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize as this will be a shorter review. I also feel I must say that I am unaware of the past chapters and the movie this is based on. With all that being said shall we get into the finer details?
I couldn't find anything grammar or typo-wise to give feedback on since this is a very brief piece. However, that's where my biggest piece of advice comes in I wish this is longer. Since the chapter is so short it ends up my opinion feeling like a great opening that ended abruptly. As I said before I haven't read the other chapters so I cant give exact ways to expand this piece.
If I had to make some vague guesses I would recommend showing him bolting out the door and rushing to some plot-important place. Perhaps show some more of his life or use that time to deepen the conflict. Although I cant give anything more detailed out of not wanting to derail the plot.
Other than that, I think if given a little more substance, this could be an interesting little read. Even if I don't know much about the plot I get the sense some action or horror is waiting around the corner and that's always fun.
As always keep writing and drink water!