*This fanfic chapter is underneath my folder titled “The monster within…” . Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1440. This is a fanfic of the R.L. Stine movie, “Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls”. It takes place a year after the events in the movie and has the side characters as the main characters. Jake and Leah are my OCs, btw. Enjoy!*
NICOLE
I take a deep breath and walk up to my parents. I have to tell them. I can’t let it hide. Jake is gone and so is Leah. They took our siblings and we have to tell our parents.
We have to.
“Where’s Jake?” Mom asks.
“I…I lost him.”
“What do you mean, you “lost him?” “ Mom asks, anger rising in her voice.
She won’t believe the truth. That demons took him away for his young soul, just like she won’t believe that I can be good.
I’ve got nothing to say to her except that I’ve lost my brother in a dark, endless house.
“I don’t know! I just lost him, okay?! Please don’t be mad.”
“Get in the car. Now.” Mom says sternly.
I don’t want to argue, so I just walk to the car. She’s not going to listen. Dad won’t either. No one will.
I wonder if Luke still thinks that everything will be alright.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I’ve been waiting in the car for five minutes. I see my parents now, walking towards the car.
Why are they…smiling? I just told them that Jake is lost and they’re smiling? Just why?
Mom and Dad get in the car. Their smiles are gone, but there’s still brightness in their eyes.
Mom turns around and says:
“We’re going to Luke’s house.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s good for us to stay together when we call the house about our children. We haven’t found them yet, but I’m sure that they’ll find them.”
“Why would we want to go there?”
“It’ll be nice for you to have a friend around in these tough times.”
“I-“
It’s too late. Mom is already driving the car to Luke’s house. Dad didn’t say anything to disagree with her.
My brother is lost and they want to go to Luke’s house? That doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t sound like Mom and Dad at all. I thought that they would spend the whole night searching for Jake, but nooo.
We’re going to Luke’s house.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
The parents reactions here is honestly the real horror of the piece. A kid is missing and they take Nicole and send her to a friend's house. Do the parents know something Nicole doesn't? Why aren't they phoning the police or anything? Maybe a line somewhere where they explain just a little tiny bit about why they are reacting this way so it doesn't seem so random.
LIKE this is so creepy, they must know something. I think you should have had a longer scene in the car where Nicole sees and describes other ways her parents are acting weird.
I kinda feel like Nicole should be a bit more angry or upset here? It sounds more like these people have lost a hamster or a chicken rather than a kid!
Some of your dialogue tags lean functional rather than letting the dialogue itself carry the emotion, and that would be my main suggestion for the piece!
<3
Alright the summary for this one at least seems to promise some explanations. If the reaction of the parents are off…. Ah the magic runs deep! Let’s read!
Ohh “I can’t let it hide. “ makes it sound as if the thing that happened to the siblings was caused by a thing, a monster that is hiding its actions, possibly by erasing memories?
Interesting that the parents don’t… idk demand to speak to the manager of the house so that they can go find their child. But it comes across that this is not natural. I mean Nicole is also not fighting them. Aiaiaiai….
Oh wait, did I misinterpret and the parents just send their daughter, who they are greatly disappointed in, to the car while they did speak to the manager? And got promptly cursed or enchanted? (Or…replaced?)
I like that Nicole is also very confused!
They went to look for him but couldn%u2019t find him. They%u2019re still trying to look. As far as the parents are aware the haunted house is just a Halloween attraction they want their kids to go in and have fun together. Both Luke and Nicole were trying to find Dr. Hysteria and Lilith in the haunted house but didn%u2019t (at the time).
Thx for reading and advice!