Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

E - Everyone

Emptiness

by thegoldenbird


All efforts were in vain.

The piece of my heart
that was gone could not be replaced.
And as it went, it left with me:
Nothing.
A void which could never be filled.
A black hole of pain
constantly expanding
as it devoured all other emotions,
until all that was left
was emptiness.
Nothing to give me company
except this constant loneliness
and the all-consuming pain.

-Written on the 10th of August, 2017-


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Mar 30, 2020 9:03 am
kaiguban says...



thank you for shining light on an inexplicable feeling. incredibly well said!






You're welcome, and thank you for the appreciation.



User avatar
32 Reviews


Points: 1600
Reviews: 32

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 10:38 pm
EthanHoover wrote a review...



This is a beautiful poem, and one I can connect with deeply. You did a great job picking words that really resonate with the theme, so kudos to you! I do have a few suggestions that might improve the flow, but remember that these are *only* suggestions, and that the poem is great as it is, so feel free to ignore me completely if I'm not helpful. That being said, here are my suggestions:


"it left with me: Nothing." I get what you're trying to say, but it takes a second glance to understand. Play around with removing the colon, maybe something like "it left me with nothing."

"as it sucked in all other emotions;" Try some more passionate words, here. Did it suck in your emotions, or did it *devour* them? If you're really feeling it, the word 'emotion' might like to be changed, maybe to a word like 'feeling' or 'sensation', maybe 'passion?' This one is a big maybe, though.

"Nothing to give me company
except this constant loneliness" This is my favorite part of the poem, but the word 'except' is a little clunky. Maybe something monosyllabic instead? I know its commonplace, but the word 'but' might serve you well here.


As I said before, this really is a good poem, and my suggestions are NOT criticisms; They're only meant as food for thought. Keep up the good work, and have a good day!






Hi EthanHoover!
Thank you for the review and the appreciation. I put some thought into your suggestions and I would like to reply to each suggestion in detail.
1. I kept the colon so that I could phrase the line that way, as it has a greater impact in my opinion. It serves another purpose as well, which is that it lets me capitalize "Nothing" (although even that isn't grammatically right, it's still better than simply capitalizing something). I wanted to capitalize it to increase its impact.
2. Good one with "devoured". It has been taken care of.
3. I used the word "emotion" specifically for a reason. If I used "feeling" or "sensation", it could mean physical sensations too. And although the deepest pain also makes you numb on the physical plane, I wanted to convey that the emptiness doesn't let me feel any other emotion. Similarly, the use of "passion" instead is too specific, whereas this pain devoured all emotions, not just the passionate ones.
4. I experimented with "but" replacing "except", but in the end just let it be. I don't know why, but "except" seems to be giving a better impact, as well as avoiding the lack of clarity that "but" could bring.

Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. And thank you once again for your appreciation. I'm glad you liked the poem.



User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 2199
Reviews: 31

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 4:08 pm
Alfonso22 wrote a review...



The poem expresses common emotion that we experience when something that we deemed essential is lost. The tone harmonizes well with the theme, since it is somber and pensative. So it serves to elicit empathy based on the sympathy we feel for emotions that we can identify with.

That is good, since poetry should engender emotion in the reader whether it be anger, admiration, hatred, joy, sadness, longing, fear, awe, disgust, confusion, regret, remorse, longing, etc.

Can the poem be made stronger in this sense? I think it can if we provide specific reasons for the expression of the emotion via certain hints as to who is involved and how.

Also, the use of the word heart in poetry is generally not recommended because it is considered cliche'. Piece of my soul is also considered the same way. So I would use just the word "me"
in order to avoid that reaction.

Thanks for sharing.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.






Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions and your words of appreciation. The objective of this poem was to convey a personal experience, but in a way that it reaches out to a similar experience in everyone. Hence I've not added any specifications as to who is involved and how, so that anyone and everyone can relate to the emotion.
Thank you for bringing my attention to the cliche. However, in this context, it was a piece of my heart that left, not me. Hence I am compelled to use this; text me if you have another idea as to what could replace it.
Thank you once again for the appreciation. I'm glad you liked the poem.



Alfonso22 says...


Welcomed.



User avatar


Points: 5
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 1:48 pm
View Likes
Arch Stanton says...



Oh, dear. I seemed to have posted it twice... I really need to start using this website on PC...




LittleLee says...


You're posting everything twice.
Could someone help out? @Jaybird I keep bugging you, I hope you don't mind!



LittleLee says...


You're posting everything twice.
Could someone help out? @Jaybird I keep bugging you, I hope you don't mind!



LittleLee says...


You're posting everything twice.
Could someone help out? @Jaybird I keep bugging you, I hope you don't mind!



LittleLee says...


You're posting everything twice.
Could someone help out? @Jaybird I keep bugging you, I hope you don't mind!



LittleLee says...


You're posting everything twice.
Could someone help out? @Jaybird I keep bugging you, I hope you don't mind!



LittleLee says...


You're posting everything twice.
Could someone help out? @Jaybird I keep bugging you, I hope you don't mind!



LittleLee says...


WHAT



Arch Stanton says...


Ahahahahahaha what 7 times %uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02%uD83D%uDE02



Magebird says...


I can definitely help out with this! I'll go delete the duplicate comments. I'll delete the one right below this one since it doesn't have any replies to it, and I'll delete the comment form of your review.



Magebird says...


All of the duplicates have been taken care of! :)





What the.... :D
I open the notifications and it says "17 comments on your work" and I get here and see this!!



User avatar
86 Reviews


Points: 2276
Reviews: 86

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 1:34 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey, Lee's here for a review!
The poem is good. It's something that most people can connect with and that's essential. I like your diction. Comparing your all-consuming pain to a black hole gives a powerful image and also engages the senses. Well done on that part.
Analyzing it further, however, here are some thoughts that came to mind.
"And as it went, it left with me:
Nothing. "
Nice. I get the meaning, but the sentence could be constructed in a better way. Perhaps, "And as it was lost, it left with me
Nothing." Just my humble opinion.
I think in the next line, instead of a full stop, you could go for a comma.
"as it sucked in all other emotions;" - I think you should replace the semicolon with a comma.

Otherwise, I quite liked the poem. I pointed these out because I felt as though it disrupted the flow of the poem and causes fragmentation. But that's just my view.
I hope the review wasn't too critical, and if it was, I'm sorry!
Keep writing!






Hi Lee!
Thank you for your words of appreciation and for the thoughtful suggestions. I would like to address your suggestions one by one:
1. The phrasing of the sentence there is due to the previous line, which goes like "The piece of my heart that was *gone* ". Thus it "went" in the next line. Had it been lost in the first place, the second could be phrased that way too. The reason I didn't "lose" it in both places is because of the personal incident which led to the writing of this poem. It was when a person very close to me just left, and I had no idea what to do anymore. However, I have refrained from mentioning the incident so that this emotion is targeted instead and everyone can relate to it, instead of getting stuck in little details. You are entitled to interpret it with regard to your own experience.
2. Thanks for pointing the punctuation error out. I've made the necessary change.

Once again, thank you for your words of appreciation. I'm glad you liked the poem.



LittleLee says...


Glad I could be of help!
Sorry, I don't know the past behind this poem. No offence!



User avatar


Points: 5
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 1:22 pm
Arch Stanton wrote a review...



What took you so long to put this up??? You're almost 3 years late.

I take this to heart cause I was a friendless kid in middle school (all my friends went and chased the popular kids and succeeded while I was left in the dust) and it was only when I shifted schools for my last school years was I able to make some really great friends.

It's so nicely written, and your expressions were really beautifully used. It was easy to understand too.

I really liked this line:

"Nothing to give me company
except this constant loneliness
and the all-consuming pain."

It's kinda like "I fear fear itself"... Was that your intention? Pretty sure it was.

I am honestly not one for writing reviews, but this one is just so relatable I had to say something for this one. I might not be as good as those who've been here longer, so idk whether you'll take this review as a good or bad review (in terms of its own quality!)
I'm reading your other ones too, and I'll look forward to seeing your future works.

The undead one,
Arch Stanton






Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you found something to relate to. I can relate to your situation as something similar was happening to me when I had written this. Back then, writing was my only form of expression as I had no one I could speak to. Too many things were happening in my life and I went too deep into the dark recesses of my mind. As I started getting better, I thought I could post my works in chronological order and thus let go of those parts of me as I recreate my journey in the form of poetry. Thus I joined this site, as a sort of personal therapy. Hence the 3-year-delay.
I really like those lines too. It's often that my thought process is such that the last lines of the poem are formed first and the whole poem leads up to it. You got me; this was the emotion I was leading up to.
It sure is beautiful when I post something and I find people who can understand me from a time when I had no one who could understand. Hence, I thank you for stopping by and writing to me. It doesn't matter what the quality of the review was; it touched my heart. Thank you once again for your appreciation. I'm glad you liked it.




Don't turn them loose, Jack.
— David Letterman