Their beauty attracts her
but she knows she can't:
Can't jump off a cliff to fly,
can't dive in the waters to breathe,
can't bathe in the fire to glow,
can't run to the forest to explore.
The curiosity, the thrill,
the beauty
makes her want to feel,
but she can't--
Can't, for it will cause nothing but pain.
Why is there beauty in all creation
and danger in all beauty?
Is this the harsh truth
that although this world is to explore,
yet we live not in this world
but in a cage,
a cage of our own?
--Written on the 15th of Dec, 2017--
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140,498 Literary Works • 673,255 Reviews
hi there i'll help you out of the green room
interesting opening line. it creates a cool feeling that as a reader, we should be placed into the shoes of the narrating figure. we should be aware of our surroundings as if we were actually there. i think its because we are cut into the introduction without actually warming the readers into knowing and understanding who she is and who they are.
so most of these are pretty well known phrases, like "breathing in water" is often used in most places to put emphasis on the impossible. the same could be said with jumping off of a cliff to fly because that is, once again, pretty impossible. the contradictory "run to the forest to explore" line doesn't really fit though, as someone could totally just decide one day that they want to go explore a forest and it makes some sense.
also i love the "bathe in the fire to glow" line. i've never heard that used before and i think it's really neat. great use of imagery with that "glow" part too, because now that i've read that i have a good image of what that metaphorically looks like.
aren't all of those already things you can feel? not so much on the beauty part because that's more of an outside feeling than an inside one, but you can feel thrill. you can also feel curiosity, even if you don't know what it is. she can most definitely feel stuff if she is aware that she can notice the thrill of it and can notice the beauty.
i really enjoy the way you ended this. although, it does feel kind of incomplete to me in a way. there is no explanation for why the girl can't feel, or why the world around her is suddenly so dangerous, or why the world is a cage. it's probably all used as a metaphor, but still the lack of reasons why makes a gap between the stanzas.
great poem, but i'd just work on tying all of your ideas together. there doesn't have to be a reason for why everything is as it is, but it helps somewhat. explaining more about the girl's history would also be nice since it defines her a little more.
happy writing!
- tweezers
Hey, Book_Dragon here with a quick review!
First of all, I really like this poem, and I can certainly relate. It reminds me of the feeling you have when you get the urge to suddenly do a backflip or a cartwheel, but you know you would break your neck! I love the first stanza, particularly the line, "Can't jump off a cliff to fly."
The only suggestions I have are in the lines:
"that although this world is too explore,
yet we live not in this world"
It feels like they don't quite fit. The word "yet" seems like a filler word, and I don't think you need it. "We live not in this world" works, and it hits the reader a little more. Then, it's good, but is there something else you could use instead of to explore? Like, "Although this world is bright, we live not in this world..."
I'm not sure. It's really good as it is, I'm just being nit-picky. Feel free to ignore all of this.
Great poem, and keep writing!
-Book_Dragon