She looks into those lifeless eyes-
eyes heavy with guilt and pain,
eyes hardened with unspilled tears,
eyes darker than the oceans' depths.
And then moves her gaze
to the lips, which seem not just contrary-
but paradoxical.
For on those lips
perches a smile-
a smile so pleasant and sweet
that it is impossible to find the paradox:
The smile exists to keep the tears from spilling.
'It is the irony that exists,' she thinks
as she looks into the mirror,
at herself-
'It is the irony that my life has become.'
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello thegoldenbird! I'm here for a review, courtesy of review day!
This is a really well written poem, and I love the way you contrasted the sadness in her eyes and the smile on her lips. I also thought it was a really interesting twist at the end that she was looking at her own reflection - almost like she's trying to convince herself that she's happy with a smile.
I would like to look at a couple of small wording nitpicks - because this poem is so short, every word counts.
I'm not sure about your choice of the word "hardened", since to me, eyes with unspilled tears would be damp or possibly even soft, but definitely not hard. I think something like
"eyes shimmering with unspilled tears"
or
"eyes sodden with unspilled tears"
might make a bit more sense.
This comparison feels like it's not quite complete - oceans can, after all, glimmer with sunlight. You could consider adding something like,
"eyes darker than the depths of the ocean"
just to fully convey that image.
This isn't really necessary, but I'd suggest adding a comma after "lips". Just because saying "lips perches" is pretty hard because of the repeated p and s sound, so naturally it feels like it needs a pause.
These lines feel a bit repetitive, and I don't think the second one is entirely necessary. I think you'd be just fine with
All those are really really minor details though, and I don't have any major critiques about the poem - it's quite nice as it is!
I hope this review is helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Hey there!
I'd like to address your suggestions:
1. I have intentionally used the word "hardened" for "eyes with unspilled tears". I actually didn't want to show the subject teary-eyed or soft, rather someone who had been hardened by all the miseries and kept them all to herself. Stone-hearted, but not in the negative sense. Just wanted to use a oxymoronic word. Hence I haven't changed that.
2. Point taken, change made.
3. Again, point taken. I've added a line break there for the necessary effect, since a comma would be grammatically incorrect.
4. Made the necessary change.
Do go through it again and see if it's good enough.
Thanks for the review and for all the appreciation!
How beautiful!
Hello @thegoldenbird. Your work is as beautiful as your username. It's great and the theme is quite beautiful too.
The maturity of the writer's mind can clearly be seen when one reads this poem of yours!
The plight of one's heart and the way one tries to hide it by keeping a fake smile on face has been framed into words in an amazing manner.
Altogether a wonderful thing! I hope to read more of your works in future.
Great job, keep going and Best of luck for future!
Best Wishes
Mahira
Thanks a lot for the appreciation
Hi thegoldenbird,
Delirium Nervosa here to leave a review on your work.
I absolutely loved this piece! I can tell this is a very personal piece for you! I found I resonated with this piece so much! Society has created this idea that not being ok is taboo and that we need to hide our emotions, pain and struggles. I believe so many people would understand exactly what you have written as it is such a relevant topic. I commend you on writing such an amazing and controversial piece so well! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
-Delirium Nervosa
Thank you so much for the appreciation. Indeed, it is difficult to explain to the society that it is okay to not be okay. This mentality forces us into a bottled up state. I truly hope people begin to understand this and I'm glad you could.
Thank you once again for your kind words.
P.S: Would you like to check out some of my other work on my profile?
Please keep up the amazing work!
Yes I will definitely go and check out some more of your work.
Hey there! Here to drop a review.
First of all, I would like to say that the message of your poem is clear to me. For me, it's about how a person tends to hide their pain behind a smile, and how that has become ironic with the life they've had so far.
Some lines in your poem, however, seemed vague.
"eyes filled with guilt and pain"
I think in this line, the phrase "show don't tell" applies. Instead of telling us that the eyes feel the guilt and pain, show us how they look like and make us feel the guilt and pain. It helps your poem become more powerful and impactful. Compare this to the line:
"eyes darker than oceans." It evokes the image of deep waters and compares it to the speaker's dark eyes.
Other lines with a similar problem are:
"to the lips, which are not just contrary-
but paradoxical."
I understand this but I can't imagine what contrary and paradoxical lips look like. Instead, maybe you can point out how the lips seem out of place in the speaker's glum face.
Anyways, I think many will relate to the message of this poem. Hope my review helped! Best of luck to your future works!
I have made a couple of changes; please check if the issues have been taken care of. Thank you for your words of appreciation.