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Dusk

by thegoldenbird


As I looked at the beautiful sky
The lord of the dark uncovered his hood;
And all was swallowed by black-
Yet, gazing there, for long I stood.

The horizon faded away,
In the darkness it seemed to melt;
I could see nothing but vast black,
And yet amazement was all I felt.

For I had been told by old and wise
That dark's what drains the joy away;
But the starless sky not empty stood-

It gave my soft, mild thoughts a way.

-The Golden Bird

23rd Sept 2016


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6 Reviews


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Reviews: 6

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Sat Nov 09, 2019 3:19 am
AureliaValus wrote a review...



I totally love the concept of this!! I think you could make it even better if you included more description about how it felt, and used more words to pot an image in the readers heads. This can become a great piece, all you need is to expand on each stanza and elaborate on what the darkness feels like. What sounds do you hear? What does the aura of the world around you feel like while you're in the darkness. So far, you're giving the readers a basic idea of it, but you're not going into too much detail, and I think that's what makes it unable for a picture to appear in the readers mind's. (On another note, that just might be me, but this is genuinely what I think). Great work though, seriously!






Thank you for the review. This poem was my first one with a deep thought and was written when I was 14. This is special to me and hence I don't want to edit, although I have written another poem describing the night in more detail. I will post that poem in some time; hope you like it.
Thank you for your appreciation!



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Mon Oct 28, 2019 5:38 am
SidPorter1 wrote a review...



I loved the narration. You also used a figure of speech called euphemism, which entails given inanimate objects lively characteristics in the first paragraph. The ending of the first paragraph you got happy from seeing the dark.
The second paragraph started with a common view of society " the dark is devilish, the dark is scary". What I see at the end is that you went against society and did things your own way. They are several ways to happiness and you just found your own way.






Thank you for your appreciation and for the information about the figure of speech. Will surely keep that in mind.



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Sat Oct 26, 2019 9:37 pm
F0xTr0t wrote a review...



hmmm mysterious! i like it, you got a good thing going on here!

I'm not ever particularly a fan of non-rhyming poems but this one did have me a bit hooked. I liked the way you described the sky as beautiful AND dark as normally darkness is associated with things like being scared.

As someone who really enjoys the night as well i can very much relate, you've really portrayed the night time beautifully.

Nice work!






Thank you for the review. You definitely got the feeling I tried to portray. Also, this isn't a completely non-rhyming poem. If you notice, there is a rhyme scheme of abcb, with every second line of each stanza rhyming with its fourth. Thank you once again!



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Fri Oct 25, 2019 10:21 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Nice poem! I like how you personified the dark in the first stanza. Also, the way you show a comfort in and appreciation of the dark is a nice contrast to the way a lot of people display it as creepy or morbid.

There is pretty much no end-of-sentence punctuation, which kind of tends to blur some of the thoughts sometimes, so watch out for that. Many of the lines could also use a comma at the end of them, but I'm not going to pick a lot at that because overall it's a nice poem.

The only other issue I can think of is that I'm not sure that astound is an emotion. "Astounded" is, and the word "astound" is a verb, but I'm not sure it's used correctly here. I really like the thought you are conveying, but maybe you could rephrase it somehow and still get the same word in there.

Anyway, it's a beautiful poem. Keep writing! :)






Thank you; will surely work on that





I have made the necessary changes. Hope you like it better now! Please reply and let me know if the mistakes have been rectified. Thank you!



WinnyWriter says...


It sounds very nice now. :)



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Fri Oct 25, 2019 8:47 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



Welcome to Y.W.S! Katness here with a review! (If you want to find out more about me, just read the about section on my profile.) This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel seem bad. But be warned you may feel offended anyway....
First Impression
I love the night as well. I enjoyed this poem. You have such an artistic way of writing your poems.
Style & Grammar
Okay, time for the hard part-the review! So, the first thing I'd do would remove the the from this line

And all was swallowed by the black

See the difference-
Original Sentence
And all was swallowed by the black

Edited Sentence
And all was swallowed by black

Finally I'd take the word line out of this stanza-it sounds more poetic-
The horizon line faded away

See how that works?-
The horizon faded away

Other then those three stanzas your poem was great!
Nitpicks
I could only find one nitpick-
[qoute]It gave my soft, mild thoughts a way.[/quote]
That a way should be-away.
It gave my soft mild thoughts away
Other then that you did a pretty amazing job! I'm looking forward to more posts from you.
This stanza just doesn't sound right to me some how-
Yet, gazing there, for long I stood.

I'd just take out that for for long, or rework that stanza. See?
Yet gazing there, I stood[/quote]

Also try substituting black for shadow, and see how it feels.






Thank you for the constructive criticism. I would surely make the above mentioned changes, except the nitpick. It is meant to be that way. The night did not give the thoughts away, it gave a pathway for the mild thoughts. Hence the phrase "a way" is used.





Thank you for the constructive criticism. I would surely make the above mentioned changes, except the nitpick. It is meant to be that way. The night did not give the thoughts away, it gave a pathway for the mild thoughts. Hence the phrase "a way" is used.



EverLight says...


Your welcome.





I have made the necessary changes. Hope you like the poem better now!



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Fri Oct 25, 2019 5:35 pm
dahlia58 wrote a review...



I love this poem! So I'm not the only one who thinks night-time isn't that frightening. "The lord of the dark" line was my favorite out of this poem. I can almost see the speaker staring in awe up at the sky at night, not at all scared or depressed by the "vast black." Even starless skies have a special beauty of their own. Please do continue posting more poems.






Thank you for your appreciation





Thank you for your appreciation





Thank you for your appreciation




Stay gold, Ponyboy.
— S.E. Hinton