People around her did not matter-
she could neither hear nor see;
so strongly were her senses clouded-
she was alone in a sea of thousands.
The voices in her head,
for the first time, were quiet;
the first time since the dark days
when they had screamed and laughed mirthlessly.
But that day
as she stood alone
wrapped
in a blanket of overwhelming numbness,
she wondered what was worse:
The shrieking noises
Or the deathly silence.
--Written on the 24th of October, 2017--
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140,498 Literary Works • 673,255 Reviews
Wow, great job on the poem!
You did a great job on the rhyming, but in some places it was inconsistent. I really enjoyed the general idea of the poem, would you rather be numb or feel pain? That is a hard question to answer and I think you could have gone deeper into that idea, it felt like you were only brushing the surface of it.
My favorite part wa the very end.
"The shrieking noises
Or the deathly silence."
Would you rather not be able to feel anything, never able to show emotion. You would be like an empty shell, nothing would bring you joy. Or would you rather feel everything. Feel pain and have to struggle everyday of your life to get by.
Overall, great job! I did not see any grammar mistakes, and I feel like you put punctuation in all the right places. Can't wait to read what you write next!
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Hello, this is an interesting poem that can be also very relatable. I wonder why the narrator feels numb to the point of despair and I also wish that I could somehow pass the restrictive barrier between myself and the narrator and somehow give him or her a hug.
The poem has sad notes and notes that make you feel contemplative, especially the last verses " But that day
as she stood alone
wrapped
in a blanket of overwhelming numbness,
she wondered what was worse:
The shrieking noises
Or the deathly silence."
My favourite verses are "The voices in her head,
for the first time, were quiet;
the first time since the dark days
when they had screamed and laughed mirthlessly."
The verses kinda seem like a victory against an inner adversary, be it poisonous thoughts be it something else.
I don't know if numbness is better than pain but I do know that in most cases love triumphs at the end of the day. And hope dies last.
Thank you for the detailed reading. As for the answer to whether the pain is worse or the numbness, I don't know either. I've left it for the reader to contemplate. And you're right, hope and love triumph at the end of the day. I just wanted this poem to be dark, thus didn't show that triumph.
Thanks for the review!
Hello, hello! I am here to review!
So, I'm guessing this is you describing either one of many of these things - depression, anxiety, or sensory overload. If so, I get it. There being so many people talking around you or at you, touching you when you don't want them to, so many noises and things going on around you that it makes you just... freeze. You stare into space and can't think. I get that!
This poem seems to also cover what its like either having your brain constantly going and going and going or not thinking of anything at all, just allowing you to exist and that in itself making you worry.
The grammar seems fine, just make sure you are using your colons correctly! I sometimes have trouble with those so be careful. Otherwise, I liked it. Keep up the work!
- Cow
These unseen mental illnesses are sure suffocating. Glad that you got the feel that I wanted to convey. Thank you for your appreciation!
Hey thegoldenbird! Let's dive straight into the review:
First things first, what I liked about this poem of yours is that it conveys a very raw and inner feeling that almost everyone goes through at least once in their lives. The title is apt as well. The narration is short and concise and never deviates from the core of the poem. I also liked the line "so strongly were her senses clouded-" signifying that there indeed is a problem with the protagonist and maybe once the sun shines again, she will be able to get back to her natural self.
One of the things that can be improved is to chop out the extra words. For example, the "The" in the first line and "But" from the third stanza can be dropped without affecting the meaning of the poem. Another thing that I noticed - and this might very well be my personal opinion - is that the poem, though beautiful, didn't look like a proper poem. I find it more like part of a beautiful prose - I'd appreciate it better as a comic strip rather than a poem. But again, feel free to disregard this if it does not resonate with you. However, if it does, I can suggest to restructure some of the lines to add some rhythm - if not a rhyme scheme to the poem.
Overall, I loved the piece. The topic of the poem really hit home with me and I'll remember this for a long time.
Cheers,
rohan
Hi Bhaiya. I'm glad you got the feel that I wanted to convey. As per your suggestion, I have removed "The" in the first line. However, I want to keep the "But" because I think removing it might make the change of thought abrupt. I understand that this poem, being an empty verse, looks more like a prose. But this piece is a bit personal, so I want to keep it this way.
Thank you for the review and the appreciation!
Hello thegoldenbird! I saw your poem in the green room and thought I'd stop by for a review!
You've got some really lovely imagery in this poem - I especially like the lines,
because they paint a very clear picture in my mind.
That being said, I do think if there was more continuity to the imagery used, that would make the stanzas feel more connected. To see what I mean, we can look at the language you use to describe loneliness -
1. First we have clouds/sky imagery
2. Then there's some water/sea imagery
3. Then light/dark
4. And finally, a blanket.
If you try and use one main imagery family to convey a sentiment, it creates a feeling of unity and makes the poem feel more connected. For example, say you choose to use water imagery.
We could change "clouded" to "clouded by mist", and keep "sea of thousands". We could also change "dark days" to "rainy storm", and "blanket of overwhelming numbness" to "fog of overwhelming numbness". Of course you don't have to choose water imagery, and if you did it doesn't need to be exactly like this - it's just something to consider.
Other than that, I don't have much to critique! It's a really short poem but I think you fit a lot of emotion in to it, and as a reader I definitely found it really relatable. I love how you used the last two lines to sort of summarize the whole poem,
as it creates a very strong ending.
All in all, well done! I hope this review is helpful, and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thank you for the review. I understand what you mean by inadequacy in imagery, but this piece is a bit personal, so I'm going to keep it this way. I'll surely keep this in mind when I write something new.
Thank you for the advice and for all the appreciation!