I gazed at the open fields,
the meadows and the endless sky.
Oh, how I longed
to just exist amongst the leaves,
to feel the breeze play with my hair,
to watch as the birds soared by
and to join them-
to glide by them in the boundless sky-
to be free, for once and forever;
free from the confines of these walls.
Oh, how I longed to be free.
Overwhelmed by the longing
I stepped on the grass with bare feet,
walking between the flowers,
watching them dance in the breeze.
Yet my heart remained restless;
telling me with each irregular beat
that the ache still continued-
the longing to be free.
I then realised that my confines
were not walls but blood and flesh-
the cage that I carried everywhere:
the body, mind and each breath.
They say, "Just be free;
break off your confines,"
but how can I flee
when I'm trapped in my own mind?
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140,491 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hello goldenbird!
as I wasn't sure what to take as the object of "caressed"- is it the flowers or is it the speaker's feet?I love the premise and story of this poem! I thought it was very compelling how you equated mental freedom with a physical place, and I enjoyed the vivid imagery you used to paint a picture of both the "open fields" and the mental cage. The slant rhymes and irregular rhyme scheme are a nice touch; they weave in a nice sense of structure without overwhelming the poem.
I was a little confused by the lines
I would also recommend possibly adding a "with" in-between the words "grass" and "barefeet" to better connect it to the rest of the sentence, as the word "barefeet" struck me as just slightly out of place.
Another thing I personally would recommend would be playing around with some of the word choices and word order, especially for the verbs. For example, I think it would be really interesting if you replaced the word "be" in the line with the word "exist" so that it would read which could strengthen the verb and add some really cool consonance with the "st" sounds.
Overall, I thought this was a very skillfully written poem! Also, because I forgot to mention it before, I absolutely adore the line "for once and forever", which really struck me for some reason!
I know all of my notes are fairly minor things, and so I'd also recommend that you take all my recommendations with a grain of salt! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Thank you for the appreciation. I've taken care of the shortcomings. How about another read?
It looks fantastic! I'm glad my feedback was helpful! Also, I love the new line:
It really adds to the theme of happiness and freedom in the mental landscape represented by the meadows!I love this poem!!!! it speaks of freedom which honestly right now is exactly what i need. i felt the flow and i loved how it spoke to me. I related with this so much and generally the end was everything!! Keep up the good work. loved it!!!
Thank you for your appreciation
I really like how this poem tells a complete story in a new and beautiful way. It reminds me of a poem published in my literary journal called "I'll Come Back, I Will" which uses similar poetic elements to tell a story. The idea you write about that "my confines were not walls but blood and flesh" is really powerful. Right now, the ending feels a little abrupt and doesn't bring much closure to the story. I would love to see an expansion to this poem. How would someone break free? Is it possible to break away from confines that are self? I'd encourage you to add that context to this poem, and then pursue publication - I think this piece could do very well if submitted to a journal or magazine.
Thank you for the words of appreciation. This poem is a bit personal, so I would like to keep it this way for now. However, I will surely expand it when I change my mind. Thank you!