Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The walls feel claustrophobic and sweltering, for which I blame the summer night, thoroughly uncomfortable— with sweat escaping from my sinful palms. The floor is cold and cleaner than me, the patterns on the tiles mocking and imitating my silhouette. Clutching onto the edge, although barely, I tell myself, "I guess I'm gonna do this." I push my unwilling fingers down the throat, the bathroom still, too still while I do so.
The flesh comes back. The floor immediately erupts with bright souls of flames, burning my phantom skin as the ceiling shakes along the rhythm of my heart, now a little unsteady as it tries not to escape along with the skins and flesh that the throat gives back— hands and toes and eyes and nose, splashing, rippling and crashing the water that lies inside of that toilet that now rots with the remains of what used to be lives— perhaps a singer or a dancer, or a gymnast or a writer, emerging from down my throat like a genie in a lamp, a grotesque evidence of a simple wish to remain skinny.
I keep throwing up.
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140,066 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
scene: the narrator as well as the character in the story is describing how the mere act of eating feels wrong and sinful, they describe it like it's cannibalism (a metaphor ofcourse), the guilt and the need to eat while also wishing to stay skinny.
Feel free to help me out, it's simply a writing practice!
This is pretty disturbing and a good metaphor for eating disorder. My heart goes out to those who struggle with it and I feel that this captures what those with eating disorders feel: guilt and sin. I think putting it through the lens of cannibalism is very clever, because it’s a very taboo thing and so is eating to those with disorders.
Thankyou for reviewing
hiii. this is quite the catchy and grimacy type of title to catch my eye. Happy Saturday, I guess? xD
I think you can do better than this. Instead of saying "x feels y" get into the pov more. The walls constrict in rhythm with my sanity, or something like that. Becaaaause..
you nail it here. The floor IS cold. It doesnt feel cold, it just is, and it's affecting our character.
The phrase "the bathroom still" tripped me up on the first two read throughs. In tandem with the action of inducing vomit, it feels separate and almost like another character that deserves its own attention. Maybe even just adding an is between "bathroom still" would do the trick.
Shake and rhythm are opposites, so i would suggest a different verb foe one of the two. Since this feels violent I would stick with shake and maybe change rhythm to a more violent analogy.
oh wow. Thats a goooood line. Very evocative and disgusting imagery of much coming g out of a narrow entrance.
This loses me a bit because Im unsure if it's referring to the character theowi g up to remain skinny (as in they have been gorgoing) or if it means the people they ate, which is a bit odd as well.
This was good. I think a bit more of.how.the bathroom feels could really amplify this. Temperature. Buzzing light or frigid tiles. The mirror even could be used. But ehat you do use works well and is very tactile. I think adding jut a bit more on the end to nudge us in a direction of what this story means would really amplify it and make it feel less like a random cut scene.
~Messy
Thankyou so much for reviewing!
This is a really powerful and unique piece of writing. I don't think you should have written a comment explaining exactly what it was supposed to be about, but instead, let the readers form their own understanding! Comparing the act of eating food - perhaps binge eating - to cannibalism is dark and sad, and the act of throwing it up after - in reference to bulimia - only deepens the metaphor. Cannibalism is one of the biggest taboos in our world, something everyone can agree is wrong. Yet eating regular food is one of the most normal things ever. Equating one with the other truly evokes the feeling of what it is like to struggle with an ED.
This sentence isn't quite grammatically correct. There's a dangling modifier. Do you mean the summer night is uncomfortable, or the narrator is? I would make it a separate sentence. "The walls feel claustrophobic and sweltering, which I blame on the summer night. The heat is thoroughly uncomfortable, and sweat escapes from my sinful palms." - something like that perhaps?
I love this image
If the narrator is saying this in her head, I would use italics. If she's saying this out loud, I would put this on a new line to embolden the sense of action, like:
"I guess I'm gonna do this," I tell myself, barely clutching onto the edge.
Needs a comma after the second 'still'
This is an amazing line. Thinking about who they could have eaten, to me, also signals who they think they could be if they were skinny, perhaps? Creepy and very effective
Great work, keep writing <3
Thankyou so much for helping me out with the grammar, I love a good critique ^^
No worries, looking forward to more writing from you!