mother, you cannot fathom
the agony that I discern
I no more have it in my power
to elucidate what I am
what I used to be
apologised my apologies for the
phantom poems left untangible
tangled with blatant lies
i don't have it in me anymore
my limbs too have abandoned me
thus I cannot create
my sense of conscience
it has fled away to a distant land
sometimes my visage flies away
and while I try to catch
those eyes and nose and ears
between my palms like butterflies
upon catching I find them
to be
despicable flies
mother, you shall know
i never intended to forget
to do basic chores
thus i
apologise my apologies
my voice is on a chokehold
slipping away faster
than sand through my hands
unfortunately I cannot go back
for how much shall a person
loathe themselves
to hate the pronoun I
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,712 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
hey hey! ^_^
ooo, the title immediately caught our eyes!
thoughts
[1] the address to mother immediately gives this poem a confessional quality. it feels like the narrator is trying to explain a kind of exhaustion that language itself cannot hold, at least the language they have access to, which works really well with lines like I no more have it in my power / to elucidate what I am. the poem is about failing to communicate, but that failure becomes the communication -- we relate to that a lot!
[2] the diction is very elevated and sophisticated! the words that stood out to us were: fathom, discern, elucidate, visage, despicable make the narrator sound detached from their own pain, and they are trying to intellectualize something unbearable. we think this is effective because the formal language contrasts with the vulnerability of the subject matter, and it creates a sense of disillusionment.
[3] the imagery of the face flying away is SO striking. those eyes and nose and ears / between my palms like butterflies is delicate and beautiful, but then the reveal that they are despicable flies makes it suddenly grotesque. that shift captures self-disgust in a really vivid way.
suggestions
[1] the elevated diction is interesting, but there are moments where it feels too much. phrases like apologised my apologies, phantom poems left untangible, and my voice is on a chokehold have strong intent, and we feel the intent, but the wording feels awkward. maybe I apologise for my apologies or phantom poems left intangible would make the emotion clearer while keeping the formality of the voice.
[2] the poem has a beautiful emotional arc, but the line breaks could be tightened in a few places. some short lines work wonderfully, especially thus i / apologise my apologies, but other breaks feel more accidental than intentional. reading the poem aloud might help decide where the breath should actually fall.
the final lines especially are SO good, and the poem does a lovely job showing how exhaustion can make one's self-image feel unreachable. we loved this!!!
~ adore
Thankyou so much fir reviewingg
Hiyaaaaaaa!
I have my mug of coffee and my braincells ready to interpret this gorgeous poem!
So...let's begin before I lose my common sense
This is a good example of how you kill your reader with intrigue because MWAH, is this is SOME WAY to start your poem.
The poet, in my opinion, is in some thought process knowing that his/her mother would never be able to understand their pain. This pain is of 'no longer knowing yourself' and the uncertainty that follows it.
Ofcourse, you show some great vocabulary to describe such a complex feeling in so less lines (I always appreciate poets for that)
The two stanzas are enigmatic because you can't exactly figure out what is wrong with the poet and I think that reflects on the poet's behaviour throughout the poem
The first line is certainly some work of art. It shows a cycle of saying sorry so many times that the apologies themselves have to be apologized for. I am a little unsure of it but I still love it.
We get to know more about the poet's grief here- We figure out how he feels stuck with the poems he is writing and that he feels abandoned, due to which he cannot write. It becomes more clear that this is probably writer's block or maybe emotional burnout?
Beauty at its finest, I must say
We started with the poet's inability to speak up about his emotional burnout and how he felt completely changed- someone he didn't want to be. This stanza further emphasizes on that through some sweet metaphors. (How do y'all come up with such stuff?) The poet describes his conscience to have fled reflecting on how he has changed through his opinions and decisions. He feels his identity (his face) gone and when he looks at it in the present, he doesn't recognize it and feels disgusted.
Although referring to your mother in the first stanza was brilliant, the previous stanza confused me on the mother's relevance. Thankfully, you have executed these lines perfectly which was quite enjoyable. In my opinion, the poet refers to her here because he wants us to know, how hard it is for him to do basic chores as in going on with life's daily tasks. This again reflects to his emotional burden and oddly, the line feels pretty.
The last stanza is almost throwback to the first, with good usage of metaphors. It describes the poet's inability to open about his difficulties to anyone on what he has become and how one could loathe themselves so much.
In conclusion, the poem discusses not liking yourself and feeling burdened by it, affecting our behaviour in several manners.
Love and a 2 AM playlist,
nini
Thankyou so muchh for reviewing