i want his slender hands on my waist,
tracing the silhouette of the unwanted self—
gentle and with adoration.
His eyes slightly scared to meet mine,
as he does so
while ever so slightly moving his head
towards mine—
a little scared, a little anxious.
and then, does his lips touch mine?
perhaps for a kiss unimagined,
puckered up all sunny cute,
tingling and ringing,
almost disintegrating from too much love.
But who knows
how it really would be like.
And what if in that innate moment
he finally unravels the monster within?
Unwanted, abandoned and yet ever growing—
The one that sits leisurely inside the brain
and eats up my sanity,
eat, eaten, ate and gone.
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
i want his slender hands on my waist,
tracing the silhouette of the unwanted self
gentle and with adoration.
His eyes slightly scared to meet mine,
as he does so
while ever so slightly moving his head
towards mine
a little scared, a little anxious.
and then, does his lips touch mine?
perhaps for a kiss unimagined,
puckered up all sunny cute,
tingling and ringing,
almost disintegrating from too much love.
Nicely depicted, the sweet summer love. the beautiful feeling when we project love outside, irrespective of whatever is happening. everything becomes beautiful.
But who knows
how it really would be like.
And what if in that innate moment
he finally unravels the monster within?
Unwanted, abandoned and yet ever growing
The one that sits leisurely inside the brain
and eats up my sanity,
eat, eaten, ate and gone.
Then let the monster arrive. sit with the monster, let it run its mouth until it gets tired and sits down.
As once the monster is done, it craves for direction, that is how you tame the dragon.
That is pretty interesting
Hi, hello!
This is a lovely opening! "The silhouette of the unwanted self" evokes to me that the narrator feels disconnected from their body, or sees it as an outline of someone they don’t want to be. Having another person touch that body with adoration creates a strong contrast, especially as their self-image seems quite low.
Though, "Gentle and with adoration" is awkward grammatically because "gentle" is an adjective while "with adoration" is a phrase. You could use "gently and with adoration," though I do like the softness of the original wording. I understand if grammar isn't important since poetry is very lenient with those things!
I’m not completely sure what "as he does so" refers to. Is he meeting the narrator's eyes, tracing their waist or moving closer? It might help to make the action more direct.
There’s also an interesting contradiction in him being afraid to meet their eyes while still touching them so intimately. I like that, but I’d love a little more sense of why he is nervous. Is this his first time being close to them, or is the narrator projecting their own anxiety onto him? From what I've read, I think either would make sense.
"Unravels" is an interesting word because it can mean discovering something complicated, but also causing something to come apart. I’m not sure whether he reveals the monster, understands it or accidentally releases it. That ambiguity could work, though "uncovers" might be clearer if you simply mean that he sees what the narrator has been hiding.
***
This poem is beautiful! I like how the narrator imagines being touched with gentleness and adored in a body they themselves describe as unwanted, since that shows how romantic relationships can change things within you and help you see yourself in a positive regard. I also enjoy how you describe how the possibility of being truly seen immediately brings the "monster" to the surface, which I interpreted as being related to body image. It feels as though intimacy is desired by the narrator because it might offer acceptance, yet they fear it because it might confirm their worst beliefs about themselves.
I am a bit confused by the other figure, though. The person being imagined remains quite distant, though I believe he's intended to be a romantic interest. I know his hands are slender, his expression is nervous and his mouth is cute, but I don’t know much about why the narrator wants him specifically. I wonder if he is meant to be a general fantasy of affection or if he's someone in particular that the narrator knows well. Perhaps you could expand that with more detail, like something that makes him stand out from other more generic examples.
That's all I have for now, though, but I loved this poem! Cheers!
Lipton
thankyou so much for your insightful review!
i apologise for the awkward phrasing of words, english is my third language so I tend to mess up (though I'm working on it)
to be honest I really did think about making things more specific but decided to leave them be, so that people could see themselves in it. I decided to leave phrasings like "as he does so" vague for personal interpretation but I suppose it could hinder in the imagery.
the reason why he seems nervous is because, while it isn't their first time being close, it feels like it. He also feels nervous so as to not hurt the speaker since she seems so mentally fragile (just so you know, this has nothing to do with gender or masculinity) .
other than that your interpretations are pretty spot on, craving intimacy while having an almost passionate hatred towards one's own body is quite a paradox in itself and I wanted to show that but in a way that it feel feel personal to the reader.
(another side note (trigger warning), the poem has been influenced by the movie Shutter Island. The reason the speaker is avoidant and afraid of releasing the monster within is because the monster itself is 'avoidance' , growing and growing since the day she got SAed, thus fearing intimacy in general while also craving for it.)
Why do I immediately have to think of the Mood Sceptre from Super Princess Peach when I read the summary? XD
Aww “unwanted self” is a good phrase but also very sad.
I really like how your poem flows, how even I who usually balks at cuteness and fluff was really on board with what you’ve written. Each line feels deliberate and… just kind of nice? Good to read? Happiness inducing?
That is to say, even when the narrator is worried about these potential true colours of their… lover(?), even then the next verses sound mellow and laid-back that even the devouring of self and sanity kinda feels chill?
It is a very interesting read for sure and I am super intrigued!
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