Once upon a time,
There lived a stupid vampire
Who was always doing fine
When really he was barbed with wire
A blood starved idiotic thing he was
The one who sobbed,
Biting into his friends wrist.
"It's a punishment if you must"
"If only there was other ways to survive" he thought.
So, did you enjoy it Mr. Stupid vampire?
Never stepping into the sun, but then onto fire?
You'll survive Mr. Vampire, don't bite your friend
Because death was the only way it would end.
"It seemed right at first, like I deserved it-
My punishment for being a misfit.
But it was wrong and I miss my friend
So maybe death was the only way this would end."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi! Dragonight here to leave a review on this silly sad story.
That was straight dragon FIRE (Things I enjoyed)
This story sounds silly on the surface but is truly a tale of self hatred and regret. You did a very good job of using childish, almost silly sounding, descriptors.
Pushing others away when you are in pain is an unfortunate but common occurrence. What a bitter but true ending as well.
Some loose scales (Critiques)
I couldn't find anything amiss with this poem. It had great deeper meaning and I didn't feel like it was too difficult to interpret either.
Final wisdom of the dragon friend
I hope that last line wasn't about suicide though it seems it might be. The story teller's bitter commentary on themselves is a great idea for a poem, though it did hurt to read.
I pray you find, peace, joy, and good companionship.
May blazing dragon-fire light your path and ignite the flames of your inspiration.
Thankyou so much for reading and reviewing ^^
HIYA YWS NEW MEMBER!!!
I really love how this poem uses the “stupid vampire” idea in a way that feels both sarcastic and genuinely sad at the same time!!! At first the tone almost sounds playful, but lines like “When really he was barbed with wire” immediately reveal there is something much more painful underneath it. The vampire feels less like a monster and more like someone who believes they are harmful to everyone around them, especially with “Biting into his friends wrist” followed by “If only there was other ways to survive.” That conflict between survival and guilt is honestly the emotional heart of the poem for me!
The ending especially hit hard because it suddenly becomes very honest and vulnerable. “It seemed right at first, like I deserved it- My punishment for being a misfit” makes the whole poem feel rooted in self-hatred and loneliness rather than literal vampirism. And “But it was wrong and I miss my friend” is SUCH a simple line but it carries so much regret. One small thing you could maybe work on is smoothing out the rhythm in a few places so the flow feels more intentional, but overall I think the emotional message here comes across really strongly!!!
-A also newish...? YWS MEMBER!!!
Nataleee <3
Thankyou for reviewing:))