The ones who suffer alone,
Are the ones who are made out of stone.
For me it is a bless for you it's a curse
Well, it's something we can not reverse,
Now as the blood trickles down my wrist,
Maybe this is how it was meant to be
As this is how it is.
I won't wait till this storm abates,
Because I am not a believer in fate.
You suffocate yourself
For people who think you need help.
The cynics and critics come and go
Life taught me that they are not worth it, you know?
Like a candle,
One is bright when they burn.
So why hide yourself in fear of scandals?
If you let them judge you,
They will, as they have got nothing better to do.
God made us unique
So fighting to change yourself is bleak.
You may be alone and cold,
But the joy of seeing life unfold
And realising who you are,
And where your happiness is,
Maybe you will find bliss.
As burning out like a candle is better
Than to fade away in fake memories altogether.
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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
That is beautiful.
Sorry if this gets rough at times -
The whole rhyme thing and the seriousness of the topic is not working for you; if your character was truly on the edge of life and death by the knife they wouldn't be making a musical. I feel like the whole rhyming thing is making your words turn into loosely made string; unraveling and raveling back up to make a point. You just missed all the critical parts like the story, the imagery, the anything but the bland stating of your thoughts about suicide or even worse about the attention getting girl/guy that tells everyone they cut themselves because they are sad. There's no reason to go there- it made for some pretty good emotions at the time the cliche started but it is washed up now, dishonest--and secretly we are telling you to move on with every silent breath reading this--. I mean you go from first person in stanza one and it's numb sounding, illogical, it's gunna kill everything and anything that you have left to offer us- and that is just how it is.
Other then that I couldn't tell you what it is soo much. I want to pull a meaning out of it but the meanings are disconnected or to broad. It doesn't flow logically to make a point but it goes randomly from one place to another, just to try to bring it all back by the end but it just doesn't work--
I can tell though that the way it is composed means you got some good experience and you could literally blow us away if you really put your mind to it- so please do, you got alot of talent.
Hi runawaylove! I'm here to get you out of the green room.
So I really like this poem. It has a message, imagery, description, metaphors, rhetorical questions, all the works, really. I do have a few critiques, though.
"For me it is a bless for you it's a curse
Well, it's something we can not reverse,"
These two lines stand out in this stanza, and since they rhyme it's important they are not only linked by the rhyming, but also by punctuation.
You don't need a comma after the "Well,", and I suggest changing "bless" to "blessing" and I agree with @emilykay10144 that you might want a comma after bless.
I also suggest breaking into a new stanza after this line, as so much rhyming in one place can really drone on, and it seems like you have a complete thought there. If not, you might want to put a period instead of a comma after "reverse" because a new idea is about to be represented.
"God made us unique
So fighting to change yourself is bleak"
Perhaps changing "God made us" to "each of us" or "both of us"? It's not very specific, so it sounds like you are talking about just the two of you (you and your sister), even though it sounds like you are talking about a group as a whole.
Just my suggestions, so don't feel as though you have to follow them!
I really did enjoy this piece and I can't wait to see more of your work! Hope to review more of what you've done in the future!
Hello!
Emilykay10144 here...
I think this a outstanding piece. I love how you flowed so many emotions and still got this poem to sing beautifully.
Now I only have a few thoughts...
I think you should add a comma after bless and before for. Just a suggestion.
I got a little confused at this part, but maybe it is supposed to confuse the readers. I just can't read it, because it does not make sense to me, but that is just me.
Seriously, I love this. This quote is beautifully written and it is a great ending to this poem. I love all the words that you used to show the emotions of how the MC is feeling.
Keep up the great work! I love it!
-Emilykay10144