You try to drive me away.
I guess you do not listen to yourself,
Your voice turns to such a melancholy tone,
You want to live and die alone?
You don't talk about feelings, do you?
Your eyes do all the talking.
Broken bits of stars fallen from the sky
They hold on till the last moment,
While you turn and say goodbye.
What can I say about your eyes?
They are a window to your soul,
A direct ticket to the world inside.
Maybe that is why you hide them
In the deepest parts of your shell.
Hush, my dear darling love,
There are other words than farewell.
Maybe I ask too much from you,
After all, I am a nobody.
But you have a beautiful heart, my man.
So what, if it's a little tough to understand
All magnificence comes with a price.
One day you will leave your shell behind,
That day, nothing will have you bound,
You will live like the stars and shine.
Now, if people ask me
If I have come across such a man,
I would like my son to grow up to be;
I can say, "Yes, I have."
My head held up high,
And happy tears in my eyes,
With your picture on my mind.
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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
This is absolutely beautiful! I could literally feel all of it. I love any writing that can make me feel something. Thank you so much for sharing your writing. Please keep publishing. I have officially found my poetry goals.
Hey there! Huda here,for a review.
First of all, it was a fantastic piece of work. Both sad and hopeful at the same time. The imagery is good and the words you've chosen add to the meaning. A good one, I must say.But here are some things I would suggest.
1) The title is misspelt. I hope its a typo.
2) Sometimes the tense gets me confused. Like the very first line, it would have been more meaningful if it was in past tense. Well, its just my opinion!
3) I appreciate your correct punctauton but theres no need to put a comma after every verse. I guess it puts the reader off.
The basic idea behind the poem is very unique and catching. I loved the poem. Keep writing!
Yeah, it was a typo. I fixed it. Thank you!
Wow! This poem was verrrrry deep and meaningful. For organizational purposes, I am going to organze this into a pros and cons list!
Pros: I love the meaning behind each word. It is obviouse that each line was worded carefully for the best impact. Not only that, but the deliverance was astounding. You definitely know how to stir up some serious emotion in your readers. Overall, I thought it flowed nicely and included enough detail that it sounded booth smooth and descriptive while reading through it. By the way, I loooove the title!
Cons: A couple lines were a bit confusing and awkward sounding, but they are easy fixes. The main thing I would focus on is which tense of a word fits the situation best. Lastly, there are a few words just lingering there that I don't feel are entirely necessary and could be removed.
All in all though, I would say this is a pretty fantastic poem with heart felt words and a lot of meaning. Great job!
While I have your attention, I want to encourage you to keep writing. This is a great piece and I am looking forward to seeing what else you have to publish!
The End!
Thank you for such sweet words
Really appreciate it.
Hi,
I was attracted by the title. By the way, you misspelled the title, though; it's suppose to be
You put two 'n' there! I love the meaning of this word:
a confusing and difficult problem or question.
The poem is truly matching your title; a smile for that:
I found somewhat wrong/confusing/weird lines here:
You should put 'about' or 'with' or anything that suits after 'talk'.
By the way, if my correction would break the rhyming in this line, you could combine 'do not' into 'don't...Just a thought...
Next,
Perhaps, this line would be better if you put this mark (?) instead of the dot(.).
It would add a bolder meaning into it. It would be lovely!
Moving on,
You meant 'What could I say about your eyes?' right?
I prefer replacing 'can', though. Well, the meaning could be the same but I don't know, really/ (I truly felt replacing it would be better...though)
Next,
This poem was flowing well till this line came...
I think 'my man' was too weird. Care to put it with something else?
Moving on,
I think using either dear love or darling would be enough and better than combining them.
Both of the words bring almost the same meaning, right?
This sentence was a bit off, could you revise it...?
The ending is quite strong; I love it.
Anyway, keep writing, I like your style of poetry. I would like to read more about yours. Maybe I'll read your previous poems and maybe will review them too!
I hope this helped ya!
~Nicol
P/s :
Yes! I totally agreed with you that tears are better in the eyes. I love when the wet tears bathe my eyes! (It's a lovely feeling!)
Hey, thank you so much for the review! The spelling mistake was a typo, I will fix that right away. I found some of your suggestions very helpful.
Thank you again.
I'm glad.