Dear Elizabeth Mansur,
-
By the time you receive this letter,
I pray that things will get better.
But right now I am slowly dying
of insanity and guilt, not sickness.
And I am so sorry.
-
The pain we must inflict every day,
for survival, eats my insides away
like a termite hollowing out a fallen log.
We are protecting our country,
but I need you to know
that I am so sorry.
-
I didn't think this would happen
and It pains me that
I must be the one to deliver
this painful news.
Your family's house in Afghanistan
It burnt down to the ground today.
And I am so sorry.
-
We have found the burnt remains
of your father and two sisters.
Your mothers body has yet to be recovered.
I am so sorry.
-
I know that nothing I could say
would be of any help.
Just know that we offer our condolences
and our hearts go out to you.
We are so sorry.
-
From, The Soldier
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,143 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there, roeckercody! Just a few nitpicks... one per stanza, in fact!
Okay, so I like this line, but remember that with the "by the time", you're establishing a single moment, not a process. So the grammatically correct alternative would be "by the time you recieve this letter / I pray things will have gotten better."
That being said, I don't like this rhyme in the beginning. Often, rhyme comes with the connotation of playfulness, and this is not a playful poem. To combat this, I'd change "better" to something else, something more vibrant and evocative.
To me, this is an awkward transition that can be easily remedied with a comma.
I LOVE THIS SIMILE. Excellent job.
*cough*it*cough*
*cough*mother's*cough*
No, but really. This is devastating to me as a reader, and I really love the way you portrayed it. Thank you so much for sharing this. I just have one more idea.
I think it would be stronger if you wrote something like "from,
the soldieryour soldier" or "from, the soldier / the carrier of bad news and souls". I think that's a nice addition.--
Keep writing and don't forget to be awesome!
IronSpark
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Happy review day!
This poem was really beautiful. The emotion and guild came across amazingly and I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong.
The breaks in the poem were set up well too, making the reader pause in just the right places.
The repeating of 'I am sorry' was a good choice. It didn't feel receptive but at the same time it did. (Sorry, that made no sense) It didn't become annoying, but it defiantly made an impact, remind the reader of the emotion each time and adding to the sorrow.
A few minor things
'It' shouldn't be capitalized.
'the' doesn't truly need to be capitalized but it's okay to leave it.
This should be
"Your family's house in Afghanistan,
it burnt down to the ground today."
Okay! That's all! Really great work though!
Keep up the amazing writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello!
) You could write it like this-
The only other thing I saw was this
)
Snazzy here for a quick review on this AMAZING poem!
First of all, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this poem! I thought it was really emotional, and I agree with Anna about the "I'm sorry". Honestly, I love repetition in poems!!
Here are some things I found-
"And I am so sorry"
It may just be me, but I don't think that 'and' should start a sentence. (It may be fine though
"-and I am so sorry"
Or something...
"and It pains me that"
It shouldn't be capitalized. (easily fixed
Anyway, thanks for writing this! I really did enjoy it!
~Snazzy
Stay Awesome
Hey hey!
Wow! This piece of writing is absolutely amazing. I really enjoy reading poetry like this. It's more than just a poem with a message, it's a poem with a story as well. I must say that the journey that this poem has brought me on was not only heartfelt, but it felt very realistic. So, great job on that! Often times in poems like these the story line is cliche with a happy ending, but those stories just aren't real. What you have written is real.
This is a very moving piece. When I read your title I was automatically hooked into this poem. As I scrolled through the Green Room, your title really stood out to me. It made me ask a lot of quick questions and it also made me think. I don't know if this is what you were going for or not, but it worked quite well.
You have so much going for you in this poem! I really appreciate all of the wonderful detail, while it might have been filled with some sorrow. I feel like some poets put in useless information with really no meaning behind what they wrote, but I feel that you have put thought ino every word you put on this "page".
You have so much talent! The one thing that really tied it all together was the sorry quotes at the end of each stanza. I think that this added the spice that this poem would have lacked if you would have kept that out. So, I was very happy with that "sorry" stuff, because it really added that extra emotion!
Again... great poem! Keep up the great writing! I absolutely loved your work! Your potential is out of this world!
Stay classy and write on.
-Annaclare
AHHH. Thank you so so so so much!
This means so much to me