This goes out to the bookworms
Trying to escape the world
From dusk until dawn
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This goes out to the athletes
Working hard to please the crowd
All day and all night
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This goes out to the outcasts
Who are misunderstood misfits
Seeking acceptance anywhere they can find it
-
This goes out to the lovers
Who love unconditionally
Despite the mistakes one has made
-
This goes out to the soldiers
Fighting for their countries
And what they believe is right
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This goes out to the feminists
Who take a stand for equal rights
And refuse to take no for an answer
-
This goes out to all of humanity
To those who need the motivation
To speak up and stand tall
And know they are not alone
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Hey there, roeckercody! cleverclogs here representing Team Phi for a Review Day review!
I think that the main thing this poem is missing is punctuation. I really don't like most poetry without punctuation, and this is no exception. It feels too incomplete in my mind. To punctuate, you can do it wherever the punctuation would be in prose.
Poetry & Punctuation
This article from our very own knowledge base explains it well. Please add punctuation; it makes the poem so much smoother and bolder to me. Without, it just feels sort of aimless.
I also think that this could do with more description. While things like "working hard", "taking a stand", and "loving unconditionally" are all fine, there's not really any meat to them. Don't make it purple-prosey, but using some really evocative language could bring you a long way. Tell me about how the athletes sweat so much and ache at night. Tell me how the bookworms read until the book is literally falling out of their hand because they're so tired. This can really help bring your poem to life and make it much more emotional.
I do agree with Axioss- the "feminist" stanza feels a little out of place, since "feminist" is such a specific group. Maybe change this into something that talks about people who are passionate enough to stans up for what they believe in, instead of limiting it to just feminists.
I liked how this supported so many different groups, and I thought that the last stanza was a nice note to end the poem on. This kind of reminds me Comes and Goes by Greg Laswell (listen to it if you haven't, it's a nice song). Keep up the good work!
Hey there, roeckercody! IronSpark here.
Today I'll be focusing on the three stanzas here that I think could use some revision.
1.
I feel like this means less than your bookworm stanza because, although lots of us are bookworms, most of us are in the crowd, not the athletes. It's hard for us to empathize with the athletes at all, and I didn't feel like this stanza did a particularly good job of helping us to do that. Surely athletes do more than "please the crowd". There's a passion an athlete needs-- a burning love for the game and their team and themselves as a player. I really want you to expand on this.
2.
I actually disagree with the final line here. Outcasts don't always seek acceptance wherever they can find it. Sometimes they're outcasts because they refused to settle for just /anyone/ and broke free of society's norms which said they had to do that. Outcasts are stronger than just petty attention-seekers, but I don't think this is communicated in this stanza.
3.
This is really specific compared to the other stanzas. It's like praising not the athletes, but specifically the football players. You know what I mean? You're skipping over all the other human-rights activists here, and although you mention them in your final stanza, it's still awkwardly choosy. That being said, if this is a cause you feel particularly strongly about, that would be better communicated in a different poem devoted to thanking the feminists. Also, not all "feminists" are for equality, and I think that may turn some of your audience members off.
Sign-Off:
I apologize if this review was overly harsh--I'm a bit pressed for time here. That being said, I think this was an excellent start, and I'd love to PM with you about this.
Don't forget to be awesome!
IronSpark
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
)
Okay, so I always feel bad reviewing and not helping the writer improve, but honestly, nothing ned to be improved here. I loved the message in this and I think you expressed it well, not overdoing the descriptions, but still showing how strong each person/group is.
You kept your set up consistent, and I applaud you for that. I've seen a lot of things like this where they suddenly take out the repetitive phrase but you kept it in. (That's good by the way
I also like the order you put everything in. It starts out smaller, people who you might see in everyday life, not really thinking much about, then slowly it works up to people who you've always known to appreciate. Not sure if you planned it to do that but it really added to the whole thing.
You left out punctuation- Usually I would suggest that you add a few periods to make everything 'flow smoother' but in this case, I think it's great how it is.
Keep composing!
-ChocolateCello
I really like your poem. It's straight to the point, tells you what it has to tell you and nothing more.
It's good that it is not too extravagant and that it lives without metaphors or similar stuff.
The repetition of "This goes out to" is pretty strong and gives your poem a good structure.
The only thing that is kind of weird to me, are the feminists. Your entire poem addresses very broad sections of people. Bookworms, outcasts, soldiers lovers and so on. Something that everybody can identify with in some way. The feminist doesn't fit in there, it's too specific. Maybe something like activist or believer would make more sense.
Nice work! Thanks for this piece of encouragement. It's always nice to receive heartfelt motivation from people.