Published July 25, 2015
There once was a man, a man fifty years of age. This man had two daughters. His firstborn daughters name was Kyrie. She was exquisitely beautiful in every physical way possible. She was the epitome of perfection and girls everywhere envied her.
The second daughters name was Serenity. Serenity was a very homely woman. She also happened to be incredibly intelligent. She was the polar opposite of her older sister.
The man always favored his firstborn daughter because he knew that she was beautiful and that her beauty would bring great things to him in the future. He made sure her every wish was granted. If she wanted new shoes, she got her six-inch bright red high heels. If she wanted makeup, he bought a boat full of the stuff. She never needed anything because it was always provided.
Because the man spent so much time with Kyrie, Serenity was forgotten. She begged for attention. She would rip the curtains off the window, tear apart rooms, and even break valuables. Her father did not notice. The maids cleaned it up and it was soon replaced.
This man was very rich, but not of his own making. He married a rich woman that was the mistress to the king. The whole ordeal was a tangled mess. She married him in order to hide from the affair and deflect suspicion. She was later found beaten and on the brink of death. She begged him to end her suffering. Tears poured out of his eyes as he plunged the sword through her heart.
The guilt ate at him for years after. He later found out why she was beaten. When he went to the tavern these knights were discussing some rumors.
"Did you hear the one story of the mistress to the king?" the first knight asked.
"Please do tell!" The other, obviously wasted, knight replied.
"Well, one night each week this woman would sneak out of her house. In her house slept her husband and her two stepdaughters. She would not look back as she darted to her king. This was a forbidden love for many reasons. For one, she was obviously cheating on her husband. Secondly, she was encouraging promiscuity with the king. Lastly, but certainly not least, she was betraying her two stepchildren." The knight paused to sip his drink. It was a very fruity drink, with a lot of vodka. He was beginning to get a little tipsy himself.
"Well, one day her stepdaughter Serenity saw what her mother was doing and was appalled. Instead of telling her father, she decided to blackmail her stepmom so she could finally be noticed. She confronted her as she snuck back into the house."
--
Serenity thinks long and hard about what she is going to do. She thought about just accusing her mother publicly, but that would be her word against her mothers. She would never win that argument. She pondered the idea of actually telling her father, but soon decides that it would not be wise. It would cause much more trouble than it would be worth.
Serenity paces back and forth in her room stopping only to sit and lay on her bed for new thinking positions. She screams into her pillow out of frustration and lack of ideas. She sits up moving her fingers through her hair, not caring whether it is frizzing up or not. The idea hits her like a bullet train, blackmail. She can use this information for her gain. She can follow her mother to the palace one night and capture the act on camera.
After she has the evidence, she will present the evidence when her stepmother slinks back into the house directly before dawn. By the time she appears, she will have a full plan up and running. How she will manage to be noticed, she is not entirely certain of but she does know that it will work. It has to work. Her entire life depends on this plan working.
Serenity lies down in wait, turning her light off in order to deceive her mother into believing she is sleeping. Serenity closes her eyes to enhance her hearing. Within five minutes she hears her evil stepmother's bedroom door close. The creaks in the floor echo throughout the house, directly into Serenity's room.
Serenity has a new idea. Confront her now, before she commits worse acts. But I have no evidence she thinks. She needs to clear her head. The moment she hears the front door close she tosses the covers on her bed to the side and stretches her legs. She stands up and walks down the hall to get some water before following her mother. The water is refreshing and hopefully the exposing of her mother will feel so as well.
It's nervewracking knowing that she will be splitting up her family. It's not like she's her mother, but the thought still makes her heart ache. The pain is worth it, however,because her father will know the truth about this woman. The suspicions are true. All of the rumors that surrounded this woman are real. It's finally time to seek vengeance and ruin not only her life, but the kings in the process. This could be the smartest thing she ever does, or it could be the end of her life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,774 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi roeckercody,
An interesting read that I would love to hear the ending to, but I have a few issues. As a reader, I found the flow of the story cut short at the end of each sentence. For example, the sentences are structured like this: "I went to the store. The store was full of people. I got groceries..." when I think the writing would have been more fluid if you wrote "I entered my local grocer, moving from right to left to avoid bumping into one of the many shoppers" (though your writing is not as simplistic as the example I gave, it's just an example of how the sentences stopped somewhat suddenly).
I also think the story could use more description in regards to location and era. Other than that, I think it's a pretty good story and I'd like to read more.
I forgot to add this to my review that jegde1479 reminded me of via their review. The point of view shifted pretty quickly.
This story is great!
Few errors. you changed the point of view without giving any warning to the readers and i kinda got confused. Just say so and so's POV- and it will be good.
Also in the first half of the story i thought this was a medieval king Arthur type story but then when you changed point of view it seemed like teen fiction. Either keep everything medieval or keep everything teem fiction. When i say this i don't mean the content of the story but the way you wrote it. Personally I would keep everything medieval because i was really appreciating something like that.
Another thing is- and i don't know if you did this on purpose but the tense changed - in the fathers POV it was past tense (sort of like an old man reading a story book - I really liked it cause it reminded me of some classics) but in the daughters POV it was present tense and it ruined the intriuge of the story for me. Also because the daughter was cunning past tense would much benefit you. For example
"It's nervewracking knowing that she will be splitting up her family. It's not like she's her mother, but the thought still makes her heart ache."
compared to:
"It was nervewracking knowing that she would be splitting up her family. Its not like she was her mother, but the thought still made her heart ache." -see
Also it would be much easier for you to stay on tack when writing with one tense only.
Something i really loved though was the way that everyone had a brief description at the start. You don't get many stories like that anymore so thank you! for being unconventional.
But then again i would like more description on some characters.
Something that really irked me was how the step mother had died because it seemed like you had killed her off without any explanation. And even still the death wasn't very well written. Also i wanted to know more about the step mom from the dads perspective- you put it all into one paragraph!
I wish the first chapter had been longer though because there was so much more you could have developed on: The first sister, The father, The mother,The king, The mothers death, The stepmom, The the general family relationship.
I would love to read more but the story was written as a short story so i'm in a loop hole. Anyway great chapter loved it and definitely want to read more. Sorry if i was harsh just trying to help you. I also want to know what happens next so keep going!!
-jegde1479
ONE MORE DOWN IS WHERE THE REVIEW BEGINS.
Second part of the review.
The daughters. Careful not to be to cliche with them. Smart one dumb one. Give them more character. Also you should know that this part 1 needs to be longer. Actually it probably needs a negative part 1 because of the great set up you have here. Introduce us to your world, and your characters then bring out the big guns. Your story needs to be more focused. You go from introducing your story in the beginning and rush right into it. Take it easy, slow it down. There's no rush. Don't explain things, and then state what you explained in one sentence. You do it so much.
I'd personally make the ugly one helpful without being too nice. She could be a martyr. Make the pretty one nice to her sister or mean to her sister and nice to the people. Make them complex.
Does the father maybe deserve to be cheated on? Make it interesting, because a lot of your story actually is brilliant.
The cheating, the father and his daughters. and neglecting one of them. It's pretty good, and then he finds about his wife in a tavern.
Pick up a copy of Game of Thrones by George RR Martin this is something out of his Song Ice and FIre series. You have a good story, I like it a lot from that pov. The actual writing part could use some work, and planning.
(*q)There once was a man, a man fifty years of age. This man had two daughters. His firstborn daughters name was Kyrie. She was exquisitely beautiful in every physical way possible. She was the epitome of perfection and girls everywhere envied her.(q*)
or
He was a man of fifty years. He had two daughters. His firstborn, Kyrie. She was the town jewel, the envy of all the other girls. His second, Serenity was smart, and homely.
There's a lot you add, and don't need to. There's also the matter of telling and not showing. The whole paragraph is telling. So it needs to be shortened. You describe them as polar opposites but really you only comment on their looks. And you say one is pretty and the other is ugly. Get to the opposites later, and show it.
(*q)Well, one night each week this woman would sneak out of her house. In her house slept her husband and her two stepdaughters. She would not look back as she darted to her king. This was a forbidden love for many reasons. For one, she was obviously cheating on her husband. Secondly, she was encouraging promiscuity with the king. Lastly, but certainly not least, she was betraying her two stepchildren." (q*)
I didn't even realize this was dialogue until I read it again. You have a good idea. Using the dialogue to your advantage. I love dialogue. But you need to make it sound real. First ask is this character good or bad at telling stories. That determines the length and the detail. That does not determine if its told in a boring way or entertainingly. It should always be entertaining even its told badly.
"Have you heard?"
"Heard What?" He belched.
"About his grace?"
"That he has a small _____." (you are 17) what I want to say here is possibly against the rules.
"He has a ________."
The knight laughed, "________." (PM me if you want to know the blanks would have.)
"She's a low-born lady. Tall woman. Sneaks into the castle every night, around my shift. I hear him shout her name through the doorway."
"What's her name?"
"________."
This is a scene, and realistic dialogue from two drunk knights.
Your story is 85% telling and 15% showing. That's the opposite of what a writer wants. Which is practically no telling at all. It needs major revising. I'm being brutally honest with you. You need to work on it a lot more.
But.... that doesn't mean you don't have a good story here. You have a very good one actually. Now that you have a great idea you just need to tell it right.