Cadera (Part 1?)

Hello! I, Holographic Ladybug, am here for your review!

I'm going to get right to the point(s) because it's morning, I'm tired, and I don't have much time here!

I was a little confused at the beginning. I'm not sure how or why, but I just kind of was. (I'm not too much help to you right now, am I?)
I was even slightly more confused when you did the thing where you went back to their character's birth. Maybe this will make slightly more sense if you decide to write more than one part?

I did like your style of writing. It felt like you were being descriptive in a way that was clever and moved the story forward.

Spelling/grammar errors! I did notice a couple:

'This story, no matter how crazy is the truth, i promise. '
There should be a comma after crazy and the 'I' isn't capitalized.

'Now the first thing you need to know about me is that I am a compulsive liar but i would never lie to you.'
I'm not sure--it could be just me--but I think that this sentence might be a run-on.
The 'I' isn't capitalized again.


That's it for the errors, I guess!



Your story sounds interesting so far! If you do plan on writing more, I'd take the time to read it.

Thank you for your time. I hope I have proved of some use.

-Holographic Ladybug

Hey roeckercody,
Myjaspercat here to give you a review...

Wow, ok, so this piece was rather interesting. I do like the idea and I really think you should make this into a longer story. However I do have a few suggestions:

A quote book. <- first I think that this opening could be a little stronger. It's not bad but it's still lacking in the whole hook thing. Also I would recommend combing the first and second lines together, since they are short, non-complex sentences. Something each and every single one of us owns. Inside each person's book holdsour their secrets and the inner-thinkings of our their minds. It is each and every person's prized possession that we hold near and dear to our hearts. The quotes inside show things we have connected to throughout our lifetimes. They show what we are truly feeling, and if the wrong person got a hold of anybody's that wasn't theirs to see... the whole structure of our society would be in ruins, done for. Why would it ruin society. You should make this a little more clear.

My quote we all ready know it is a quote book. No need to constantly repeat that. book contains the truth of what they have done to me, each quote holds a special memory that will never be erased, no matter how hard they try. ok so who is 'they'? I will tear the organization apart if it is the final thing I do. My life depends on it, my family depends on it. You depend on the success of me overriding their control over us. why dose everyone depend on you overriding this organization; that doesn't make much sense to me. Though I do like the idea of incorporating your reader into the story, I think that that was clever. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be alright, that I am not going to fail you and that I have it all under control but I am a firm believer in the truth. I solemnly swear that everything you are to read in this is reality, it is the story of things that have already happened, things happening now, and things that have yet to come. This story, no matter how crazy is the truth, i promise. I like ending of this more then ending of the previous paragraph. I think that this would be a better start then what you have now.

Now the first thing you need to know about me is that I am a compulsive liar but i would never lie to you. It's not in my nature for I have changed my ways. You have to believe this is true ok so the only reason I cut that entire chunk of writing was because it didn't make much sense and it kind of contradict itself. For one if lying isn't in your character's nature anymore then why do you need to tell us that they are a compulsive liar. Second if they felt the need to tell us that they are a compulsive liar then why would we believe them in the first place; also why would we want to believe them. Do you see what I am getting at? You just need to reword this a little better. and you have to follow my instructions because your life truly depends on it. Pay close attention to the details of what I am telling you for it could save your life. Ready? Well, ready or not here I go because I have a lot to catch you up on. Ok so this paragraph could use a little more work. I like it but it just lacks.

I was born in Morth, Cadera to a lovely couple whom both were twenty five years old. Their names were Gigi and Gary. They were such nice people to whom I looked up to as my role models and favorite people ever. Gigi owned a cattle farm and Gary worked for the king, Erleso, a wealthy man who was thirty three years old. I aspired to be like one of them for what could be better than a cattle owner or a kings servant? Nothing could beat the joys of the smell of cow shit, or cleaning up after the king who was a pig. Ok so you tell us that you wanted to be like one of your parents then you describe their jobs with a touch of sarcasm like you are making fun of them. I'm a little confused. I loved my family so much that when I woke up one morning to see their bodies on the floor it pained me so much, I couldn't believe someone could would ever do this to my loving, amazing, wonderful parents who could do no wrong. The whole 'loving, amazing, wonderful' is just too much. Also, show us how the parents looked like when your character found them dead. *Remember show don't tell.


They were supposed to die a peaceful death after I drugged them to sleep, not by some serial killer. They were mine, not anyone else's. They were mine to control, mine to have, mine to hold. I loved my parents and I deserved the right to take their lives away when I decided it was the right time to do so. Ok, so your character loves his/her's parents but talking about how it is his/her's right to kill them seems a little to sadistic. Where did this come from? But no.. they had to take it away from me, those bastards. whomever took away my birthright they would pay for what they have done. I would kill them if it was the last thing I did.. For now However , I had to pretend that everything was fine, but not too fine, because everyone knew I loved my parents dearly but. I needed to put on an act that I was sad but not too sad. Also angry but not too angry, because I wouldn't want anyone to suspect me now would I. why would your character talk about someone expecting them when we know s/he loved their parents (and apparently everyone else knew) and how s/he woke up to find his/her's parents?

Hi Roecker! Wow how cool was this! It had a nice futuristic feel to it, and got me hooked straight away even though there wasn't much action. That's difficult to do, so I congratulate you on creating a setting that draws the reader in straight away.

I definitely think you should continue on with this. I'd love to find out more about the characters parents, the world, the king, etc. Like Sharrae I can definitely see this as a damn good novel!

A few grammatical mistakes. The sentance
"This story, no matter how crazy is the truth, i promise."
confused me a bit. Either put a comma after "crazy" or say it as, "This story is the truth, no matter how crazy it sounds" Which would probably be better.

At "I am a compulsive liar but i would never lie to you." Put a comma after "liar". And try to make your sentences a bit longer, it sounded quite laboured to me. I'd quite like you to explain the character a bit more, (I.e: Gender, appearance, etc.) and maybe talk about his/her parents a bit more. But overall a great start! Keep writing, this could be great!!!

Whoa the end if that was like wow. Her birthright to kill her parents (now that is something unheard of and I loved it.)
I only saw one mistakes.

But no.. they had to take it away from me, those bastards. whomever took away my birthright would pay for what they have done.