operation imperial [prologue]

Hey there!
Budding writer here for a review.

First off, I know the others have already mentioned that it is quite obvious that the guy Ratan is committing suicide and it was not really necessary to put the heading as "suicide note". It requires more of "show" then "tell". This was something I felt was a bit of a problem in other places as I went through your prologue.

There were also some issues with sentence structuring which I felt could have been better in many places. Let me point out a few:
"My one hefty mistake took eight innocent lives." I really didn't think the word "hefty" fit in well here because it is generally used in describing characters.

" Dad, I want to give you ‘world’s best dad’ trophy "
There should be a "the" after "you"

"Sorry myra, I love you honey, I do not know how you spend your next thirty years without me,"
There should be a "will" after "you"

"but you have to forget our relation "
It should have been "relationship"

"but you have to close with this for me."
This really didn't blend in with the rest of what he was saying


"Your loving son, that always loves you"
The last part was not necessary at all

Other than these few things I liked the way your going with your plot and I'm eager to read your next chapters.

-Budding writer

Knight Malachi here to review for Review Day.
I'd seen your operation Imperial chapters being posted for quite some time, and finally thought I'd see what it was. So here goes.

So, I don't think you need to write Suicide note. It really is already pretty obvious by the end. I know others have said that, but I still see it up so I thought I would remind you.

but what a freak I am,
You should have a period here, not a comma.
I enjoyed how you had him giving the best Dad trophy award, I think that it would be in a suicide note. Now, Myra is capitalized once, and un-capitalized once. Needs to be capitalized both times.
I think the last line before Ratan, is redundant. It should just be: "Your loving son." or: "I will always love you."
Now, the part about the crew makes me interested as to what he did. Good job with that in there.
Keep it up!

Hi there, rishabh! A quick review for a quick piece. Oh! And happy review day, by the way

My first critique is that you start a piece with the words SUICIDE NOTE. Aside from being unsubtle, you should be able to place the type of note in context with a scene or perhaps even a detail written in the note. What I'm seeing in this, is: "Hey! Everyone listen up! What I'm going to write here, is a suicide note, okay?" And that is not what your readers want. They want to see things, not be told them. Explaining it in a more subtle way can also shoot up your word count!

Next, I'd like to talk to you about tone. The way this note is written does not shed much light on the character himself. You want to say something about who he was by what and how he is writing. Maybe he is a real gentleman and writes really stiff, formal English. Maybe he is neurotic, and keeps writing erratic rants with lots of exclamation marks. Perhaps he loved Myra very much. Let him send her all the kisses heaven can afford and give her some advice for the time to come. Is the person angry? Sad? Uncertain? Show us some of that in the letter.

Also, check the entire letter over for grammar. (I like your semi-colons, by the way! ) You have a couple of redundant phrases, like saying "loving son that always loves you". One love is enough!

Good job! I'm going to try to review all your OI chapters and see how far I get. Later on I'll give more critique on character development, balance and plot.

barefoot

Well, hello there! I think this a powerful intro to your story, which is good!

"My one hefty mistake took eight innocent lives."

For starters, now you just left me intrigued in what happened, what he did to kill by an unknown mistake eight lives. Wow... I am really intrigued! The grammar was perfect! You never mention the same words over and over, which is something sometimes difficult to do, very good!

In any case I feel this story will be quite interesting, the prologue is good really, though it still doesn't give me a picture of what I'm going to be reading through the story... Am I going to read about his life earlier, or am I going to read about what his family, friends crew-mates and girlfriend -maybe wife- did after reading the letter? Well I'll find out, hopefully.

The rest was awesome! I would like to read more from you! Keep writing and getting better!

Keep up the good work!

~Marde!

Ohk!!! so i FINALLY read your prologue. Well, for a start this is really good. It will hook up people as to what will be coming next. And that is very important. The first impression should be really good which i found in your prologue. Adding to the uniqueness was the letter form of the prologue you adopted. It was pretty catchy. Though i feel there was no need to write SUICIDE NOTE at the beginning. It seemed a bit cliche. Also i felt that your letter when got directed to Myra, became a bit artificial. It was not expressing true feelings. And i think that crew members are two different words. And instead of THAT in the second last line, it should be WHO.

but overall i think this is a great start and really good, because now i really want to know what will happen next!!

Keep writing!!

Cheers,

Shiksha!!

Hello fellow fire flower I thought I would return the favour and offer you a review of my own!

Overall - I think this is actually a great beginning to a novel. It's different and automatically makes you wander what has happened in this persons life to make them want to leave these people that he clearly loves.

There are a lot of spelling mistakes - in a way I actually quite like it because it adds to the panic & emotions that this person would be going through - but I don't think the mistakes were put there purposefully.

Don't forget that you can ask any of us on YWS to help you with spelling & grammar. We're all here to help each other and anyone would be more than happy to assist you.

GOOD LUCK! I look forward to reading the following chapters.

I think having a suicide note as a prologue is brilliant because the reader immediately jumps to conclusions as to what could have led to this person's desire to kill him/herself. They will assume that more will be explained later on when they read. A great hook to what I expect is a great story!

Rishabh,

I liked this as a prologue. It does what prologues are supposed to do ----> offer some information to the reader and get their interest in the story so they actually continue reading. That being said, I think this is a great prologue. I find myself wanting to know what actually happened to make this guy want to commit suicide. I also want to know more about the other characters you mentioned. Clearly they have some important role in the life of the protagonist and I want to know where they fit in.

The only negative comment I would have is for you to not spell everything out so much. Let the readers figure out some things for themselves e.g. there is no need to label the note as "Suicide Note." Let the readers see for themselves through the content of the note that it is a suicide note.

Overall, I think you did a good job and I will be reading the rest of it soon. Keep up the good work

Hey rashabh! Here to review

I am your nil boy mamma.

Your loving son, that always loves you

This is too short for a first chapter of a book but I enjoyed the emotional confessions this piece conveyed .

I would also like to add that you could have used more descriptive words to touch your readers .

This piece also , like the previous worked I reviewed, seems like it could make a better song than a novel in reference to the rhyming and the slang used .

So.. I think you should think about writing music I would love to read one of your songs.

Hi Rishabh,

This was interesting. It left me wondering what it is that Ratan did that left him feeling this way - so lost and alone. It makes a good prologue, and opening to a next bit. I'm intrigued!

There were a few grammatical problems. I do not want to correct them all because it would take too long. But I'm sure that when you look over this you will be able to see them yourself as well. I'll point our a few.
"From last one week", doesn't make sense. It should be: since last week I have been in great melancholy. And a name always needs a capital letter. You left it our once with Myra. Keep writing, is all I can say

Deanie x

Welcome to young writers society! I am happy to be the first one to review your work >:3 . I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie. Ok now, down to work


This is rather sad, kinda hear touching! I am curious to the background behind it! I see a spelling error. "I am your nil boy mamma" . I think you meant little.

Some of the sentences are rather long, and could be broken up into smaller ones.

Capitalization is fine except for "Sorry Myra, I Love you honey," You do not need to capitalize the love.

As for punctuation, add a few commas in this:

Your loving son, that always loves you,

Ratan

Overall this is short, to the point, but that's explainable. I do like what you have, and you are leaving me to wonder what else you have in store!