3.
OUTING
Every single human being on earth enjoy Sunday. Moreover, when I was in IIT, Sunday was my favourite day in whole week, no classes, and no grotty plans or anything. On non-working days except students, all teachers got outing. Studious students engaged themselves in making mini projects in their labs. I had marked this day as an ‘outing day’ on my calendar. On outing day, it seems like a fest or something exciting was going on in the university. I usually spent my time with nature in Mussoorie. What a beautiful place it is! There every single minute, you experience number of wonderful things. I had experienced the same, when I first time met with Myra. She was looking so beautiful in her yellow top and black jeans. Otherwise, she always wore her ‘not so sexy’ professional suit in the college. However, that day she looked stunning.
“Hi Ratan” a beautiful voice reached to my ears.
I turned back and identified that unknown voice.
“Oh! Myra mam,” I said in a surprising tone.
“You got surprised, why?” she asked.
“I hardly know any girl here and suddenly you called my name.” I gave her weirdest of the weirdest explanation.
“Ratan why are you so boring?” she asked me a very difficult question and I was wondering that why every girl thinks that she is miss perfectionist and the guy who is talking to her is an asshole?.
“Do not know mam.”
I do not know why I am so boring. Actually, I am not boring it was just her imagination.
“Ok. If you don’t want to tell its ok but shall we proceed ahead. I wanna buy a jacket from that shop.”
‘Why’ and ‘me’ these two words repeatedly going in and out via my brain and I started feeling crap. We were just walking and talking and every time I looked at her pretty face and beautiful mehandi on her hands. She was repeatedly touching me while talking which was making me little uncomfortable. Nevertheless, at that time, who cares when a hot chick is talking and laughing with you. According to men’s ideology, men want extra fun in this case.
Perhaps by the starting of the incredible evening we were up with lot of shopping. Now, it was the time when you take a girl to her favourite place.
“Ratan are you starving?” Myra said by putting her hand on her maw, also signalling me indirectly that ‘come on boy it is the time for rock n roll, lose your pocket for me.’
I nodded coz I was in love. I do not know ‘why only boys readily jump in love first, if some beautiful lass talked to them for a while.’ In addition, same thing now started happening with me. I was in love with the college’s most sizzling faculty. I started celebrating as if I had scored perfect ten in GATE.
We entered into the restaurant and I was thinking to propose her without noticing one thing that it was only one-sided love. We placed our butts on the chair and as per the tradition; I ordered one ‘kahrai Amritsari chicken’ and ‘butter nans’. If you are investing in the right place then money is not a problem for you. At the same time, you think as if you are the owner of some big corporation. After the ordering process waiter gone after putting a cunning smile on his face, I started behaving again as if I was on a date with Myra.
“Mam, how did you know my name?”
“First of all stop saying mam again and again. You are not my student, Ratan you are my friend.” she scolded me for the first time. “I know you because you are the only one who refused my birthday party in the staffroom. I felt bad but now it’s ok.”
My tongue came out after hearing her sentimental story.
“So sorry Myra I was in a depression at that time. I am really sorry.” I switched to Myra automatically (from mam).
“Oh but why?” she touched my hand sympathetically and a shiver ran through all my body.
“Just family problem that’s all” I lied to her but what else could I say?
She just started looking at me as if I was her wounded little pet who want love from his mistress. She again held my hand in her hand and now this time for a longer duration. A gigantic wave generated inside me, which took my body more close to her. Actually, we were lost in our dream world and suddenly waiter arrived with Amritsari chicken and butter nans to end our midnight show. We started eating that spicy delicious chicken and soft creamy buttery nans. I liked the way she eats, she talks, and she laughs at my poor jokes. At this point, I was totally in love with her.
After the delicious meal, we came out.
“Hey, Ratan I wanna ask you something just say yes or no. ok?” She said in a very genteel tone that enhanced my excitement hundred times. I was so excited. I was looking very confidently in her eyes like a rapid fire round was going on and simultaneously expecting only three words from her.
“Will you be my friend?” she asked by giving me a frightened look.
“Hmmm… ok. I am your friend” my all excitement goes down but my heart repeatedly giving me sympathy, by saying that ‘boy you are a damn good player in such a short period she became your friend, soon she will be your girlfriend’.
“Wow, I knew it. Thanks a lot Ratan.”
I remained silent and just watching her pleasant and lovely smile. When I came back from mussoorie, I was sitting all alone with my coffee mug and reminding her heart touching smile. At the same time, someone knocked my door and that someone was no one but only my neighbour and my free fund advisor Prof. Gupta.
“That’s my boy so how was your day with Myra.” Prof. Gupta said normally.
“Whoa, how do you know sir?” I was shocked after hearing him.
“That’s not my answer, tell me.”
“Great, I mean wonderful. It was a nice experience for me. And she is nice and fun loving girl.” I was open-heartedly telling him about my experience with her but my excitement ended in a minute.
“But she is daughter of a bitch, got it. Don’t even dare to talk to her.” Prof. Gupta warned me but I was still not mindful that why he said so.
Nevertheless, after hearing all this shit I got rude with Prof. I talked rudely with him. For my rudeness, I still regret every minute.
“Sorry sir, but now you are putting your nose into my personal life. First, you tell me ‘how you know about Myra and me’ and don’t try to act like my dad please.” I yelled on him in such high tone that everyone ran towards my room to watch the live cinema.
“No son I am not your dad but I just want to say that what you are doing is totally wrong.”
“I know what I am doing. It is the time to see that what you are doing. Peeping in everyone’s personal life, this is not fair.” I was constantly shouting on him and the crowd was watching our fight as if some nukkad natak was going on.
“Don’t lose your mind; see what is happening over here…” He got silent without completing his talk.
I constantly argued with him that night. However, he became a stoic. Moreover, he was constantly watching the mob. After few minutes, he left my room and the mob dispersed after watching the nine pm movie. Prof. Gupta was gone but he left so many questions in my mind. Whole night those questions revolved in my head. I again went under the severe frustration. On one side, there is Myra, my first love and on the other side Prof. Gupta who tried to give me some sort of indication. I was confused, where to go now towards Myra or Prof. Gupta?
End of chapter
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Hi there
I'm back for another review!
Okay, so my first thought was that, as a woman, I do not like your main character's attitude towards women at all. This might be more due to me than to you, but I do recommend that your characters be easy to sympathize with by anyone, because when a reader comes to dislike a character you're trying to write as a good character, they tend to stop reading. I feel that your character should stop thinking of the woman as a beautiful object to love, but as another person. Love should be secondary to friendship, otherwise your character may be seen as immature and hasty. (But this is mostly my preference.)
Next, your portrayal of the woman is very flat. What does that mean? The woman is one-dimensional. The only thing I can say about her, is that she is beautiful and charming. That is not all that is behind a person! Is she tall or short? Does she eat a lot or peck like a bird? How does she walk? Is she a kind sort of person? Make a profile for her just like for your main character.
And again, watch the language—in between "genteel" and "ideology", you have "chick" and "crap". Not balanced and not elegant. You have to stick to one writing style and tone. Write colloquially or formally, and don't meander in-between like this. Oh, and calling a woman a "chick" is often considered derogative. Watch the way you handle women in this story, or you will find that your only willing audience will be men!
See you again!
barefoot
Hi Rishabh,
This a nice chapter and continuation to your story. There are a few problems with tense here and so on but we can address those later. I like your characters and how you have put them in a "class" where one sees themselves higher than another.
Firstly I would like to talk about your use of dialogue. Usually the punctuation is correct. Just remember that after every sentence with speech marks there's either a full stop, or if not a comma.
"Like this," Deanie said.
One thing about your dialogue is that it seems rather robotic and unrealistic. Would some really ask their companion why they are so boring? Even Myra, especially because she is about to spend some time with him? Isn't more likely she would be a bit kinder and say, maybe you need to spice up your life or something? And if Ratan didn't agree he would probably voice his thoughts, to protect his pride. Just listen to daily conversations. Some will be awkward, usually when the two people don't know each other much. Which seems to be the case in your story. And listen to the ones where people know each other well, such as family and friends. They just seem to flow smoothly. Try and interpret these conversations into Myra's and Ratan's friendship.
Now to address tense. You often switch between past and present, which is a mistake a lot of people do subconsciously. The best way, I think of solving it is to write your entire piece and then when editing correct it. If you continue doing this subconsciously you start writing in one tense all the time. If it's too annoying to go back and revise the whole thing, then you have to scream, "Stay in the same tense!" to your brain all while you write, so that it remembers. It's difficult to tackle, but it can be done. Let me do the first bit for you. I'll be changing it into past tense (although you might want to use present tense. Your story, your choice ^^)
Every single human on earth should enjoy Sunday. Moreover, when I was in IIT, Sunday was my favourite day in whole week. There were no classes, and no grotty plans or anything. On non-working days all teachers were allowed an outing. Studious students engaged themselves in making mini projects in their labs. I had marked this day as an ‘outing day’ on my calendar. On outing day, it seems like a fest or something exciting was going on in the university. I usually spent my time with nature in Mussoorie. What a beautiful place it was! Every single minute there, you experience a number of wonderful things. I had experienced the same, when I first time met Myra. She was looked so beautiful in her yellow top and black jeans. Otherwise, she always wore her ‘not so sexy’ professional suit in the college. However, that day she looked stunning.
Do you see the subtle changes I made so it has the same meaning, just change of tense? I also changed the word order of some sentences, which you can see. Doing that just made the paragraph a bit smoother and easier to read.
I've put a lot in there to help improve this chapter and most of the advice can help while writing chapter four as well! I wish you well with all your writing
Deanie x
thanks....deanie.....i will nullify my mistakes....n give u a perfect draft....
Hey rishabh! Here to review like you asked me to.
Okay, so to make this easy and to the point I shall not use quotes here.
Grammar: There were quite a few spots where you forgot to put punctuation altogether. Whenever dialogue ends there needs to be grammar and also capitalization when needed. Some of the sentences sounded incomplete like when you said you "felt crap", you forgot the word "some". Without some the phrase took on an entirely different meaning. Other than this there was nothing wrong with your grammar that I saw.
Plot: I don't really see how you're going to tie this in with your prologue. Most of this was just dialogue so the plot didn't really move all that much. The good part about this was it gives the reader time to slow down a bit, and the part at the end suggests a speeding up of the plot to make up for this slow part.
Dialogue: The dialogue that you wrote here isn't very realistic. Not many people would respond the way these characters did giving it an unrealistic feeling despite the fact that this is realistic. I would go back and use yourself or other people to help with writing this part.
Characters: You did a pretty good job at giving the characters some personality to separate them from each other. I don't really see anything wrong with how you did that, and even better you use their personalities to create a mood for the story. Well done!
Overall Review: Your voice shows through here which is good, just work on the grammar and how things are worded so that your reader doesn't get the wrong idea. Also I would keep in mind that something must happen to keep the reader's attention, something exciting but realistic. Good luck with your story!
Sushi
thanks mentor .........so sweet!