8.
Prof.’s secret
Secrets, secrets, secrets! Every single person in this world keep some secrets, for example, a man already having children and a beautiful wife but still he date another woman who is more hotter and slimmer than his wife. These kinds of secrets are short lived. We cannot hide them from our dear ones. I don’t like keeping secrets or to be frank my secrets easily come out in front of the world. So, why we keep secrets, show them to the world. It is easy and better way to release yourself from all the sins. Nevertheless, not every secret related to the bad concept. Actually, in this universe, two types of secrets are in existence. One is good secret and another one is bad secret. So here, we talk about good secrets, which we keep to make this world live in a better way. Another name of the good secret is ‘sacrifice’. If we take a glance on our family, parents do sacrifices for their children; in return, children also do some sacrifices for their parents. We are bounded with the word ‘sacrifice’ or ‘good secrets’ or in Hindi version; we call it ‘Tyaga’.
I have some bad as well as good secrets in my life. For bad secrets, I regret every minute. Why I regret? Answer is same my secrets whether bad or good all come out with no shame. I never share anybody’s secrets. However, you cannot predict your life. Life gives you lot of surprises and each surprise hold some meaning. As I had not predicted that, I ever share anybody’s secret in my life.
It was a daytime, my alarm clock was about to broken into pieces. When it snoozes out, I tapped my palm onto the top of the clock. Finally, I woke up. That rape incident had shaken me from inside. I started working late at night and I screwed my daily routine because of that grotty incident. It was looking as if somebody had raped me. In addition, I started hating going into the classes. Whatever, it’s my life, which was ruining and I am the one who was ruining it. So no worries! When I almost bathed, I sensed as if somebody illegally entered into my room. I came out in my boxers. My eyes were scanning the entire room. Suddenly, a hand came from my backside. As I turned behind, I saw Myra was standing in her beautiful dress, towelling my wet back. I quickly covered my bottom part with another towel.
“MMM...Myra, you!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah my king, it’s me, your queen.” She teased me.
“I am so sorry Myra, bahadur encouraged me.” I tried to prove myself clean.
“Yeah, yeah I know. At least you proposed me. Otherwise boys take very long time to propose.” She said. “You are my hero,”
I started whistling Mika’s HOTTEST song.
“STOP whistling and put some nice clothes on your naked body. We are going KFC today.” She said while selecting some decent shirts from my wardrobe.
I got super excited. I was going on a non-vegetarian date. I quickly dressed and went KFC for my first date.
“Are you excited?” I asked Myra a silly question.
“For what?” she asked by throwing back another question.
“For our date Myra, where is your mind?”
She gave a huge laughter. I hate when girls laugh without reason. Are boys funny? However, most of the times we crack jokes in front of the girls just for fun.
“Why are you laughing?” I asked.
She blinked her beautiful eyes and said:
“I am in love that’s why I am laughing.”
I was confused. Why girls give tricky answers, especially when they are in relationship? Maybe boys find nothing out of this garbage, but I founded various oxymoronic answers. However, I was looking at her charming face. It was glowing like a precious pearl glow under the ocean.
“Please speak something, I am feeling boring.” She said while taking a leg piece from the bucket.
“So are you from ECE Department?” I asked her a simple question.
“No, I am from PDP department.” She said.
“Ok, that’s nice yar.” I said by holding her soft and lovely hands.
“So, how many members are there in your family?” she asked in such a tone as if she was a ‘jan-gadna’ officer or something like that.
“Including me, three.” I replied. “And in your family?”
She remained quiet for some time. I thought in my mind that had I asked a wrong question. But, after a long thought process, she said:
“None, I am an orphan.”
That moment was so embarrassing for me. I revived her old wounds. Then, in the entire journey (from KFC to her apartment), we hardly talked. I was continuously blaming myself for this shit.
Suddenly, Prof. Gupta came into my room.
“What happened ratan, why are you so upset?”
“Nothing, I am not feeling good.” I said by ignoring him.
“Tell me, anything wrong?” he asked again.
I again lied to him. I didn’t want to let him know about my relationship with Myra.
“Leave it, sir. You want something.” I changed the topic.
“Yeah, a week later I told you about Prof. Dhyanchand.” Prof. reminded me.
“Yes, of course, and I got busy in watching your black list.”
He took out an old paper from his coat pocket and tossed it towards me.
“What’s this prof.?” I asked after reading the name ‘prof. dhyanchand’ on the top of the paper.
“He is prof. dhyanchand, my close friend. You got job at his place.” He said.
“Where is he now?” I asked.
After wiping all tears from his face, prof said:
“He is no more between us. He is dead.”
“Oh Sorry for the loss but how was he died?” I enquired.
“It is a long story lad.”
“So I tell me the summary.” I talked intelligently.
He watched my face and said:
“Son, he was exactly like you, very passionate and energetic. For students he was like god. I have a doubt that our univ president killed him for those pics.”
“What pics,” I said.
“He clicked some valuable pictures and our president sahib faced a lot of trouble due to those pics. However, he is a very powerful person. All the police officers are under his control. PROF. Dhyanchand died under some conspiracy.”
I got amazed after hearing the prof.’s secret. This world is full of powerful people who want to rule by making graves for less powerful people. However, in actuality, less powerful people sacrificed their lives after showing their power to more powerful personalities. After hearing prof.’s secret, I got a serious blow. Neither prof. nor I was sure that our univ president killed our leader, prof. dhyanchand. Nevertheless, on that eve, we lightened numerous candles in his memory.
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Hi there! I'm once again back for more
Okay, so now you are really going in for a lot of political and moralistic statements. You say, through your character, that the Indian culture is bad, men should stop raping and think, and powerful people are immoral. I like the way you express your feelings on politics without any fear or hesitation. Just be careful that it doesn't look like a long, directionless rant. Most people are not the rich and raping type, especially not those reading your work. Therefore, though it is very satisfying to yell at bad people, it would be better to give a message that speaks to your audience as well. Add on a statement that says: "This is why we small people on the ground should work together and improve things." Just saying the world is bad isn't enough for most readers. You need to talk to them through your story too!
My second point is on Myra once more. You are getting them together in a room, one naked before they have even been on a date! Too fast, my friend. Don't let people think your main characters are immoral and erratic in their thinking. Take it slower!
My last point here is on plot and character development. Here's a big secret: everybody loves it if the main character is having a hard time. Shhh! The harder it is for Ratan to accomplish his goals, the more people feel for him ad the more sympathy he gets. So make things difficult for him! Everything happens very easily at the moment. Make his life very hard and people will love him. Strange, I know, but think of all your favorite characters. Were their lives easy and fun all the time?
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
Hello! Just a heads up first that I haven't read the other chapters so I'm reiewing this by chapter and not novel. With that said, let's take a look...
A few quick things here - you need to make keep plural (which makes it awkward admittedly with the double s) and the 'single' is surplus and breaking your flow so I'd remove that. Sometimes extra words just make a sentence bulky instead of adding emphasis. The 'for example' also takes away some of the drama of it as it suddenly because someone else instead of there being the possibility of this person being someone you know, it's a test subject from a far away land. Here's a quick example of how you might re-write it:Specifics
1. The opening isn't grabbing enough. Repeating secrets doesn't make the word any more interesting because actually it's one of those s words which works better when built up to or emphasised. It doesn't have the right sound to be repeated in close succession. Simply 'Secrets' once would be more effective.
2.
Secrets. Every person in the world has secrets, the man whose beautiful wife waits at home with their beautiful child, but he can't take his eyes off your friend's sister who has beautiful legs; or the woman who used to live next door but, when she was little, her daddy shot a man in that house and she couldn't stand it any longer. Secrets. They are sometimes short lived; we can not hide them from dear ones.
3. I think you need a new paragraph when you change to 'I' as that first paragraph is very long and quite difficult to consume. Shorter paragraphs work much better and just imagine that this is the page of a book - you'll be taking up half the page at least, if not three quarters.
4. This is fragmented and most of that second paragraph is. You need to proofread the piece and catch all the missing words and errors in grammar. It would take me too long to point them all out and I'm here to help you improve your writing, not perfect it. It's good practise to proofread before you show others, then they won't be distracted by the mistakes which you can fix yourself.
5. I think you talk about secrets for too long before moving into the actual novel. Keep it to one or two short paragraphs. If you look through some of the books you own, you will see that the introduction is usually between one and four sentences and then the story kicks in. Sometimes it kicks in straight away. This is definitely too much of a detour, especially for part way through a novel.
6. This is really awkward. Maybe say an intruder in the room instead, that would sound more natural and describe how they sense this - the flutter of a curtain, the sound of footsteps.
7. They're dressing nice to go to KFC? That's really weird, even if it's for a date and what is Myra doing in his house and seeing him naked if they've not been on a first date yet?
8. I think the characters are quite genuine in their conversation, but you may need to have someone help you write the dialogue. I hope I haven't jumped to a wrong conclusion, but I think English isn't your first language? Both of the characters speak like they don't know English very well - your verbs are mixed up, such as boring instead of bored and your sentences aren't ordered in an English way, such as subjects before action.
Overall
I think you have some good ideas here but there's not enough description and you need to work on your sentence structure a little. For example, there is no description of the professor coming to Ratan's door and being let into his room. People aren't just suddenly there - that's lazy writing. You don't watch a film and they instantly appear in the room, instead they come to the door and the characters walk through. It is things like this which make a story real.
Ratan also comes across as very careless in the exchange with the professor and I find it difficult to like his character which makes me not want to read more of the story because why should I read about a character I don't like/ am not interested in? He needs to be more kind when asking the professor to tell him about her.
I hope this helps a little! You've got some good ideas and we only improve our writing by writing so keep going and keep listening to people's advice.
Heather xx
Hey there Rishabh,
I liked this chapter again. I really like the openings to your chapters, how you start with Ratan's thoughts about various subjects that are relevant to the text. For example in this case you used secrets, and some others different things. They're always interesting openings to the chapters.
I think the ending to this chapter was also very interesting. Ratan learns another big life lesson just like he had in the previous chapter. And this time it's that people will do anything for power. Which also relates to the previous chapter where the rapist wants revenge/power over Devika.
The sentences are okay again. There aren't any real mistakes except for missing words, extra words or just word order problems. Not really punctuation anymore, but just structuring the sentences.
At one point I noted that when Ratan replied to the professor he said 'I talked intelligently'. That seems like an odd sentence and maybe you need to replace talked with answered.
Now the issue of Ratan and Myra's date. I think this went well. At the beginning all was good. Maybe make it less hard for Ratan because he openly says he thinks he is boring. Which isn't the nicest thing to say to his 'queen' is it? I think you should soften it by making him say: I hope I am not boring you. That seems more gentle. It was a shame that he mentioned family but Myra probably could see it coming; what with the question she asked. Maybe she wouldn't of. Although Ratan must think, oh great, I wish I hadn't mentioned it. But he wouldn't dribble over it and scold himself throughout the whole date. It was a shame, but not that much of a big thing.
For help with the sentence structure I'll do a paragraph for you. Hopefully then you'll get the gist of correcting it. Let's choose... hmm... the first one. Also, when writing do remember to stick to the same tense! I'm changing the present tense into the past tense because it's seemingly what you've chosen to dominate. Another thing is to not have run on sentences. A lot of them are two long in the first three paragraphs. If you see more than two commas in a sentence, make it two sentences and take the comma down. Too many of them is bad. But just enough is fine.
Secrets, secrets, secrets! Every single person in this world has kept some secrets. For example, a man already has children and a beautiful wife but still he dates another woman who is more hotter and slimmer than his wife. These kinds of secrets are short lived. We cannot hide them from our dear ones. I don’t like keeping secrets, or to be frank, my secrets easily come out into the world. So, why do we keep secrets? Just show them to the world. It is easier and a better way to release yourself from all the sins. Nevertheless, not every secret is related to the bad concept. Actually, in this universe, two types of secrets are in existence. One is good secret and another one is bad secret. So here, we talk about good secrets, which we keep to make this world live in a better way. Another name of the good secret is ‘sacrifice’. If we take a glance on our family, parents do sacrifices for their children; in return, children also do some sacrifices for their parents. We are bounded with the word ‘sacrifice’ or ‘good secrets’ or in Hindi version; we call it ‘Tyaga’.
Nice interesting fact there at the end. Keep writing and letting me know when more comes out!
Deanie x
thanks deanie you are too good. thanks for giving me your valuable review on my work.