Operation Imperial ch-7

Hi there! Okay, here's yet another review

I feel that you keep improving the more you write! You have some more character development going on and a little more interaction. I like the balance between dialogue and written word. It would be good to see some more descriptions. Don't just say what is happening, but things you can see around it. I challenge you to take a cup, or an apple, or a piece of litter, place it on a table, and write a full paragraph about what you see. The sheen, the colour, everything. Go for it! It's good practice.

Some of the actions of your main character have leveled out and become more rational, and I like that. You still need to bring in more character development earlier in the work, though, and round out even the not-main characters.

This is a short review, but saying more I would probably only be repeating what I said before Work on grammar, balance character development with plot and keep writing!

barefootrunner

Hi Rishabh, Aquila here to review your work.

I start out at chapter 7 so there might be a lot of detail and development that I missed out but I must say to write about rape is requires a lot of courage and conviction. Because it's a sensitive and touchy subject, it often requires the writer to research, empathize and listen to victims before being able to convey a powerful and moving message.

This was a good at getting my attention because at first I thought it was a war or army story from the name. But I read on.

First, technical corrections:

"May be, but at night Indian women feel unsafe."
- Maybe

Education doesn’t matter, matters what is our sensibility.
- doesn't matter, what matters is our sensibility

“Please leave me, sir”
-Exclamation mark insert at 'sir!'

Suddenly an idea struck into my mind.
-Rephrase this. It sounds extremely comical and cannot fit into the context of the story.

fatso grabbed her mouth and thrown her on the table. It was a rape, which I was filming.
-...grab her mouth and throw her onto the table.
-I don't think you need to emphasize that it is rape or that the main character is filming it. Because we already know it and this will come across as mere repetition

"Those bastards repeatedly raped her I felt like crying after watching this hideous crime in my univ."
-Rephrase this as well. You can divide this up into two sentences of which describing the main character's emotions and the actions he saw.
-spell 'university' fully

And for general comments. I feel you need to omit unnecessary words or change some to avoid conveying the wrong tone or message that your readers will pick up. One suggestion is to read it once through by voicing every word out loud. Pay attention to how you dictate; the tone, the pace and the flow to see if they fit the content:

I wanted to beat those post humouses.
-I don't get this.

She was a living legend for me that night.
-How would she be a legend? For a moment this sounded very condescending towards Devika and I'm pretty sure the main character would not think that when he already knew her from the previous chapters.

A big question mark was on the top of my head.
-This is sentence is redundant.

“DO you know who Prof. Dhyanchand was? He asked in his detective style.
-'Do you know who Prof. Dhyanchand is?'
-Omit 'detective style'

"I nodded my head from left to right."
-'I shook my head...'

"After, wrapping devika’s hands with lots of bandages, he first time showed me his ‘BLACK LIST’ in which each faculty listed with black marker."
-After wrapping Devika's hands with bandages, he showed me his 'Black List.' I saw every faculty, each with stroke of black mark.

"In addition, prof. had swallowed his Wikipedia back into his stomach."
-What?

"Whole night we sat beside Devika to reduce her pain by watching her innocent face and that list."
-Okay this bit sounded very satirical. There has to be some sort of action taken if Devika was to feel better! No one honestly watches a list and the victim in order to reduce her pain. Maybe Prof had shared a story of a similar experience? He called for someone who is her protector or source of relief? He explained he cannot help because of limitations?

I felt also that you could punch in a little more emotions the main character is feeling for Devika. It also brings light to the deep relationship between the two. Also Devika needs more descriptions and emotions because this chapter seems to make her unimportant.

Hope this helps! Keep writing Rishabh!

Hi there Rishabh,

I'm here to review the next chapter! Hmm, I think this is one of the chapters I liked the least. I think this is because I didn't really get it. I know that the Prof. was raping her as a revenge for refusing to marry him. And although Ratan did film it so that he had evidence of this crime, surely once he had enough footage he could at least try to help Devika?

And also, towards the end of the chapter I became confused. I didn't understand what you meant. Maybe you should make this clearer? I kind of lost the line of the story there.

The English in this chapter is okay. There were some word order problems, but that's pretty much it. I'm actually going to go through the whole chapter this time and edit all of it to the best English I can. Now you can make a very large comparison, because usually I just correct a paragraph and leave you to do the rest. So here's the whole chapter as an example.

Usually, crimes happen at night. But why? Are nights safer for psychopaths? Maybe, but at night Indian women feel unsafe. These criminals sexually harass our sisters, daughters, and even mothers. We have to change our mentality. We blame the western culture for every rape. However, the actual story is that western culture is a thousand times better than our old- moronic Indian culture. I am not a ‘Deshdroh' and my intentions are clear. What should I do? My work is to tell the truth. Now what’s next? The answer is quite simple, we need to crush every superstition, abandon all poojas and mantras, and renounce the entire ‘fake priest’ thoughts. Believe in yourself and believe in individualism. Before attempting rape (or any crime), think for a while whether what you are doing is right or wrong? Education doesn’t matter, what matters is our sensibility. If we are sensible, then we are great.

In IIT, I had done all my work for that night. However, I am not a criminal, but for them (President’s officials) I am a ‘father of Osama bin ladien’. After Prof. Dhyanchand, I was the next terror for their evil thoughts. Nevertheless, I am born to demolish this ‘fake IIT’. It was almost 11:30 pm and I was struggling that night. My maw was paining due to my overeating problem. That pain was disrupting (It seems to fit better in here) my sleep too. I switched on the lights and went to the window for fresh air. When I started feeling better I noticed some movements inside the ECE HOD’s office. Being a member of ECE department a sudden curiosity generated inside me. I started walking towards the fatso’s office. As I went closer, I saw a girl screaming and shouting in front of the fatso and Prof. Khanna. Her face was covered with the scarf. Now the question is why the hod and prof. khanna was beating her so severely.

Suddenly, after the severe beatings, fatso started tearing her clothes. She was in her negligee. She was continuously shouting,

“Please leave me, sir”

I was watching the whole incident carefully. Suddenly, an idea struck my mind. I opened my cell phone and filmed the whole incident.

“Please sir...” fatso grabbed her mouth and threw her on the table. It was rape, which I was filming. Still that girl was unidentified.

“Who is she?” I whispered. I was eager to know her name and everything. Those bastards repeatedly raped her. I felt like crying after watching this hideous crime in my univ. I was helpless. I wanted to help her. But, I was only a spectator.

The whole image of this university was drowning in front of my eyes. Simultaneously, a current was also generating inside my body. I wanted to beat those post humouses. After a full nights entertainment, they left her inside the cabin unclothed. As I stepped inside the cabin, my legs were shaking. I was thinking, how would I face that girl’s pain? When I un-scarfed her, my heart jumped to my throat. I held my head and sat beside her. She was Devika (Imtiaz’s friend). After few minutes, prof. gupta also came there.

“What happened ratan, what are you doing here?” he enquired.

I hugged him tightly and started crying. He tapped my shoulder and said:

“Every day, I watch this shit. I know it’s hard to believe. Nevertheless, remember this is imperial institute of technology. Don’t waste your anger by simply crying. ”

I controlled my emotions and asked him a question:

“Sir, what are you doing here?”

“After this hideous crime I came here to reduce Devika’s pain. She is my BRAVE HEART (why the capitals?).” He said in a very proud manner.

“I didn’t get you sir, please be straight.” I pleaded.

He started watching my face.

“Son, I had told you about Prof. Khanna, that he is a psycho.”

“Yep, now I know what he's like.” I said.

“Every night, he forcefully takes any girl of his choice and commits rape. Actually, he likes Devika and wants to marry her.” He said by rubbing his teeth.

“What!” I was surprised.

“Devika slapped him in front of the top officials. That’s why he is taking his revenge by sexually assaulting her, every night.” Prof. Gupta told me the entire story.

I started thinking about the class incident, when Devika was hiding her pain from me. I now had all the answers. After confabulating, prof. gupta and I took her to our apartment. She was a living legend for me that night. I had told you earlier that the senior students were facing many difficulties in this university and I wanted to end this bullcrap. However, what should I do? A big question mark was on the top of my head.

Inside the apartment, prof. gupta started discussing about Prof. Dhyanchand.

“DO you know who Prof. Dhyanchand was? He asked in his detective style.

I nodded my head from left to right. That means no.

After, wrapping Devika’s hands with lots of bandages, for the first time he showed me his ‘BLACK LIST’ in which each faculty was listed in black marker. I photographed the entire list on my cell. I forgot about Prof. Dhyanchand and started examining the list. In addition, prof. had swallowed his Wikipedia back into his stomach. (what do you mean here?) The whole night we sat beside Devika to reduce her pain by watching her innocent face and that list.

I hope this has helped. Deanie x