I wish,
Oh I wish,
To be just like Icarus,
And let my soul fly high over Crete.
I hold my candles on my back,
‘Cause my future looks bleak.
Daedalus, do you feel the same?
When the sun rises in the east,
Do you find that you wish you had listened to yourself the least?
Fly high, Icarus,
You lie on the clouds now.
How does it feel,
To love death so that it led you to the sun?
Do I feel the same?
Ask me when the sun goes down;
Ask me when I’m staring at the clouds.
Listen and you’ll hear me breathe,
“Indeed, all I want are Icarus’s wings."
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there penfeme. I just dropped by for a quick review.
- I really liked your poem but the flow needs to be fixed. I know a previous reviewer already made this comment but this is the only error that I can find.
- Your word choice also needs some improvement. Make it vivid so that the reader will be able to imagine the scenery you are describing.
Ex: For "You lie high on the clouds now" perhaps it could become...
- You lie high on the silky clouds of (insert color, white or grey depending on mood).
That's all for now. Keep on writing.
Happy Review Day!
-lizzy
Thank you for your review, lizzy. I already enhanced it in my documents, but I wasn't sure if I should change it here.
Hi penfeme, Felistia here with a short review on your poem.
Firstly welcome the YWS, I hope you have fun and enjoy it here.
Now on with the review.
I love the over all poem, but there is some room for some improvement as always. The biggest problem is your lines, some of them are long while others are rather short and it breaks up the rhythm or flow.
I think the best thing to do would be to expanded all the short lines and leave the long lines since a lot of the short lines could do with a bit of description. Take the line (When the sun rises in the east,) for instance. You could expanded it to look like this (When the scarlet sun rises in the far east,) it is a small tweak and would help the flow and make it a more interesting read. This is just a suggestion so feel free to ignore it if it doesn't suit you.
On the whole I liked it, but it could be better. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thank you for the review! I really appreciate the comments for improvements. I do need to work on flow in my poems, ha.