Deception is a beautiful bird that croons aromatic desires and lies.
And in the end,
The prompt ones catch whatever she leaves behind.
A veiled vulture, deception is
Wisdom’s evil twin.
Immorality deceives one to believe they are not being swayed by its forces. You’ve outwit the enemy, I hear, but the log wedged in-between your eyelids and irises leaves you desolate and destroyed in the end. Wickedness was bred from the cage within.
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Deception happens with desire. And desire comes with evil. Deception only happens when a person is blinded, not be desire, ambition or greed, but because of how he views the world and the way he lives.
Agreed, friend. I believe this is very true. Many believe and are coerced because they are blind; sometimes deliberately. I think desire, ambition and greed can be a result of one's preferred oblivion, thus leading to
deception, even if they do not see it.
Hello there, penfeme, and welcome to the YWS!; I'll be reviewing your poem on this fabulous Review Day!
First and foremost, I must say that I like the poem. It is decently composed, thoughtful, and the message that it communicates is powerful. It took me a few times of reading this to decipher the deep layers of themes that are located within this poem, but it was well worth the effort; the theme is vivid, it is something that is powerful and quite prevalent in the modern, cut-throat, world, and leaves a strong impression in your readers mind, all of which are excellent things to have in a poem, and thus impresses me immensely. In particular, what I like best (relating to the theme of your story) in this poem is how you discuss the nature of deception, how it destroys with "aromatic desires and lies," and how you build this elaborate metaphor, comparing deception to a "beautiful bird," which helps to convey the particular aspects of deception and how it stings, and continue this metaphor by, later on, comparing it to a "veiled vulture." This extended metaphor ties the poem together, and contributes, through the images commonly associated with your metaphors, a message that is communicated strongly throughout the poem - deception stings, it hurts, it kills. In conclusion, nice job developing the theme of the poem with your skillful usage of language and your ability to manipulate your audience's emotions.
Beyond that, I find that the poem is impressive, though I do have a few things to note about this poem, how it is composed, and what you do and do not include, that I cannot exactly describe as the most positive. All of these I will explain in order, as follows:
See, what I'm not sure I like here is how you jump between line one and line two. Line one discusses what deception is, and line two discusses what happens after deception is finished doing what it does best - deceiving. While your theme is communicated strongly enough, I feel as though the jump between these two lines provides a gap in the poem. You don't describe how deception acts, or how it deceives and rips apart people. That, I feel, could make your theme all the stronger, by illustrating the kind of damage deception causes, and would otherwise fill what I perceive, and what other readers might perceive, to be a hole within the continuation of the story.
Now, it seems to me that you were intending to produce a pause between these two lines. However, in the event that was your goal, you are better off removing that period and leaving nothing in its place. Actually, in the event that wasn't your goal, you are still better off removing the period. Why? When people read a poem, they are going to naturally pause between the end of one line and the start of another. That pause has just about the same effect as a comma or a period, and so, in most situations, it would not be necessary to incorporate a period as you have when the pause between lines does a nice enough job of that. Now, I use a comma in a poem when I am trying to separate ideas or prepositions or subordinating conjunctions, and the manner in which I do this is not dissimilar to what I would do if the lines were prose instead of poetry; the same applies for when I use a period. However, in this case, I see no reason for a comma, and the period provides a lengthy space that seems unnatural. Thus, I feel that you are better off eliminating the period.
If you're immortal, you've probably outwitted the "enemy," otherwise known as Death, in the past, so I'd suggest you replace "outwit" with "outwitted."
...And that's just about it. In conclusion, I love this poem. It has a beautiful theme, a powerful execution, is well-built and thoughtful, and I enjoyed reading this from start to finish. Well done, penfeme; you are a fantastic poet! Once again, welcome to the YWS, and I do hope that you enjoy your time on this site!
Thank you for your review!
Hey Penfeme,
Myjaspercat here to give you a reveiw...
Ok, so wow, this is quite a short piece. Normally when I see something that is this short I make assumptions that I am not going to like it. However this was very cute (to be like a normal person I'll say a little creepy- but I'm not normal so...). I do have a quesion for you- why is part of the poem italicized? I didn't see a point to it and as it is it's very hard to read this way. The second thing I want to mention is that you used 'prompt ones' when I am assuming you were only talking about one thing. Other then that, good job and continue writing.
Thank you!
Oh, I forgot to answer your question. The last part is italicized because it's sort of a reflection of the first part.
Oh ok, that's interesting. Thank you for clearing it up
Hey there penfeme. I just wanted to leave a quick review. I saw that nobody had commented yet and felt the need to write something.
- I see you are a new member so welcome to YWS.
- Your poem is very interesting and grabs the reader's attention. But, the attention does not last long because it ends. I see that perhaps that the thought might have ended but I think you should add a bit more.
-I only see a few grammatical errors. I think you might want a comma instead of a period after "deception is".
That's all for now. Keep writing.
-lizzybookclubqueen1
I definitely think this poem could use some development. Also, thanks for noting the grammar error. Will change that.