say hate is the only thing you know how to love.
north in your head case state, where the motto is electric memos for strife.
you’ve got life on the balance of waves & wind, the worms deep down the subatomic freckles of your skin.
they wait for you, it is your salty skin they crave, flammable then well-done. they want you satisfied to a toast “to peace”
see peace today is right
and wrong flipped inside
out to show true colours,
grey and black.
no light, morals know
no such thing as fire.
lambs in wolves’ clothing
saw the forest cut down
to size, tore the bark,
said thanksgiving for
peace today is pieces
of the moon –
no one really knows
how it’s spun.
see love is on the sails,
watch them wave with
washed up eyes
and cry for your heart too.
maybe tears will be enough
to crack the ice,
it’s called “forgiveness.”
hold that ring up
to the sunlight,
a pledge
for sober “romance”
stop the car, love
the flood is too deep.
leave it in the cursed driveway
for your daughter
underwater.
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
I spend a lot of my time reading poetry, so it isn't entirely too often that I find one that sticks with me.
This poem did.
I love that I had to read it over and over in order to really feel it and I love that every time hit me a little differently, but hit me just as hard.
I love that in my head it sounded like crashing waves, and I love that it looked like them on the page. I love the rhythm and the rhyme and the almost-rhyme and the not-at-all rhyme.
I love the way your poem made me feel-- and for me that was a sort of longing, like staring into water and wondering it's like underneath.
I think that it was beautiful.
It was a bold choice, the back-and-forth of your stanzas and the lack of capitalization. It works, in a strange, slightly uncomfortable, lulling way, for the strength of your poem.
I felt how purposeful every word seemed, but it did feel a little choppy at times. Maybe it is meant to be that way, but it did make it a bit harder to really hold on to the flow of the words.
All in all, it is an amazing poem, but as with any work, it is fluid and will always have room for improvement.
Keep writing!!!
Hello lovely! I'm thecolorofthesky here to give thoughts on your poem! I love this piece. You use so many great elements.
I do agree with the first review only in the aspect that a few lines could be smoothed out. But you have some gorgeous lines as well. I also enjoy the formatting. Before we get too deep into the good stuff, let me offer a few critiques. The first is capitalization. Offering a definite start to the certain parts of the poem would aid in clarifying the flow. You could also turn the starting lines into a stanza with more divided lines. It seems a little bulky compared to the rest of the poem. I can understand how you wrote this in order for one thought to flow into the other and for them to play off of each other, but I would suggest for a second read through, maybe out loud, to see where the flow catches. Some lines could be better phrased as well. This is just a suggestion, but you could mention the 'black or white' philosophy of society. Right or wrong, but wait, no, there are gray areas etc. when you write about the gray and black colors. I think it would fit well, but that is up to you.
Now on to the good stuff! The style of formatting really attracted my attention. It works as an interesting form of stanzas. Within the poem, I found several lines I truly enjoyed.
I really enjoyed the play of words here.
The line really made me smile at how well it personified love in such a succinct way. And of course the lines
It's statement that makes me think about what really qualifies conditions for forgiveness and the process to reach it. The theme is well executed in my opinion, but I think you should just go over the technical elements of it once or twice more. I like your writing style. I hope to read more from you!
Hi there! Thank you so much for your review and suggestions!
I'm going to start off with the most honest statement I can give; I don't fully grasp what this is trying to say.
I do understand the undertones of "Hate is conceived as Love" and "the world is run in a hypocritical reality", but I don't know if I saw the main message. Like I understand that poems are supposed to be confusing sometimes, because it makes you think about what it's saying longer, but in this situation, I read it three times out loud and was still a little confused. Like you'd have a stride for a few lines, and I'd be with it, and then something would come up that didn't necessarily make sense, and I'd trip and I lose focus and I wouldn't understand the rest because my mind was still focused on that weird change. I think this is due to just how this is laid out. I have no problem with how you've put it on different sides and everything, but I think you may want to look at regrouping the phrases, specifically in the first stanza that's to the right. It's very choppy and short, so to be able to do that well, you HAVE to make sure your lines work and flow well.
Besides that one thing (sorry I kinda rambled, didn't I) I LOVE THIS. I don't care if I didn't understand this, it's worded beautifully. I love your diction, your vocabulary is mature but still understandable. I love the the metaphors and OMG the IMAGERY. I loved how dreamy but also realistic you made the phrases.
My favorite phrase was "the subatomic freckles of your skin" because it just sounded amazing. I honestly can't tell you why, I just F'ing loved it!
Please continue to do poetry, your style is so lovely.
Best wishes and great work!
~Maddie
Ah, thank you! You generally have the main message of it. It's mostly about hatred and how it hides within the human mind, you know? In family, in love, such and such. But thanks again!