Young Writers Society

Hi,
Sweetheart, why must you breathe?

To live?
or to spread lies?
or to die in the right time?

Whatever you choices might be,
keep that in your mind:

You will tend to breathe
even you don't want it to be happened.


******Starting review******

I can sing a song, the first paragraph is so long~~!

Okay, maybe you thought breaking into much lines helps to clarify your thoughts, and yes, I agree about it. And do you ever think of the readers' feelings. Oh gosh...

What do you have in mind when writing:

Vices

and faults;

Casualties

and thoughts;

Doubts

and fears;

Losses

and leers;

Defects

and flaws;

Combatants

and claws,

Not making much impacts there, aye? Okay, I don't think the words above are relating to each other. Maybe it rhymes or make the pace faster and cooler, but do it rings the bell?

No.

Interesting words to say, but I think making this of the above into a line or two would be more than enough. You got more lines in your poem because of that. You don't want to make your poem flows wrong, aye? Hence, concise it. Make a metaphor or simile.

Make an example instead of saying off random words like that.

**************

an automaton forced inside your skeleton.

I respect this, and hope this "automaton" expends itself. Instead of saying "automaton, you can hem around another part, because I know what you're saying. Don't show if too off. Show a little, but not telling. I hate telling in a way. But in a way is just a way. If you shown me another, I will perhaps love it.

So now, "automaton" isn't abstract, that's good. Saying another like a clockwork is just random cliche. I agree with it, and don't make this poem rusty...

Yes, to me, "automaton", is just way too rusty. Try to make things more contemporary. Use words that will shine the shard on the people. Thesaurus is a valuable resource, and I might want to consider you about using that. Search the word, and most importantly in using Thesaurus is pick the word that is familiar with you.

Plus, the "skeleton" is way too scary... I hate humans' bones to begin with. Use simpler word. No skeleton please. It is way to weird to put in an important part.

**************

It's stiff, you know?

Um, do I have to answer this? If I were to answer, thus, my answer would be "I don't know".

Geez, you again randomly asked questions to your readers. Speaking to the readers aren't always work out because there are endless readers to begin with. However, asking questions are worse. Most famous poets ask questions too in their poems, but they didn't really show it off. They used some figurative language to ask question.

Simpler term, they hide the questions to let the readers to figure it out.

Plus, why "stiff"? Instead, show the stiffness to me, and I'll know what you exactly mean.

**************

Okay, I'm exhausted~~

Let's me made an overall statements regarding your poem.

First, using the italicized words for more power work. You use it at the end of the lines of each paragraph. It's working. Don't you worry. But it worries me that it may look like it is junk. In other word, trash. Try to create creativity by making this poem neatly. You know, great musics are always very neat. So neat that it soothes my mind by only looking at it, and by the time the music is played, it soothes me even more.

Understand?

Second, the dialogues along the poem. Very true that dialogues are raw and honest and sometimes secretive. Very. Secretive. In novel and story and such, they play a role that actually effectively move on the story to another level. I want you to do this in this poem. You actually move on the story when you stated in a dialogue about "fever" and the likes. Yeah, interesting concepts. I respect it.

Moving on...wait...I'm sleepy...

******Ending the review******

I like the tone and the story behind the poem. So flowing like I can dance on it.

Hence, the real overall statement about this poem is...

This poem lacks guidance.

Guide it more. You'll know why I used the word "guidance" there. I hope you do though.

Keep writing!

~Memo

P/s: Done another review! However, the green room is still rather giant...