Pulsating staccato trills,
Wind wanes as he dies asleep.
Streetlights dim the watered ground,
Where flowers sprout from the concrete
And see the moon in all its glory.
Silence gives air to night's critters.
Crickets: tranquility, not void of sound.
And in the din of humid morning air,
The atmosphere spins when it's time
And the streets release in dew season.
The petals shrivel in light of the day.
Oh how irony seems to find its way
In nearly everything that breathes,
Even in the serene summer breeze.
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
HEY
i really like this poetry as it seems that you really wanted to write something on nature.... i appreciate the fact that you initiated in a beautiful manner.... like it very much but want to see some more from you now.... remember to add a few more lines to make it more attractive and interesting so that more people would see your work....... waiting to see some more from you.....
Thank you!
nice one
Hey penfeme,
I really love the first line. It's so beautifuly worded, however the ending of the second line confuses me a bit. What do you mean by 'he dies asleep'?Myjaspercat here to drop a review
Wow, this was simply breahtless. I love the whole feeling to it and the way the words flow. I'm pretty sure I have written a review for one of your works (but that's beside the point). I don't honestly know what to say to this. This is a review however so let's take a stroll on the yellow-brick road and visit the great and powerful wiziard of suggestions... (Is wiziard spelled this way?)
1.) You have a tight relationship to punctuation don't you, especially in the first half of your poem there were just so many periods and comas and all that made your writing start to lag and get very tedious to read. I hope you know that when there is some sort of punctuation that normally means that your reader needs to take a pause and with that many pauses it takes away from what you want to say. Watch what you are doing here.
Here I would simply move 'the' infront of 'light' instead.
Ok, last thing. The ending feels a little rushed to me personally. That and the word choice is a little off as well. But it's your poem.
I think that's all. I hope I helped. Great job. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thanks again for reviewing one of my poems.
And yeah, I'm not sure why I love punctuation so much. I used "light of the day" because I wanted to convey a different meaning "than in the light of day." I'm all about diction even when I'm aware it sounds off. As for the last stanza, I didn't think much about, I just wrote it (besides it was like 3am in the morning lol). Thank you again!
Ok, I can see the different meaning thing, thanks for clearing that up. I'm also glad I was able to help.